What should I do next?

S

sagstarchild

New member
I am a married poly female in her early 30s. I recently entered the field of polyamory and I met a 45 year old single male (never married). We started hanging out and having a great time. My husband is aware of these interactions and have set up some boundaries. He has indicated that he is physically attracted to me.
TL:DR: He was super fun and attentive prior to us having sex. However, once we had sex, (like immediately after), he has made it clear that he only wants a FWB or casual relationship and that he is only down to meet once every 3-4 weeks.

From my end, I was not looking for anything super committed as I am attached to my anchor partner. However, I just feel used. It is almost as if he got what he wanted and now I am invisible. What should I do next? I am just really leery of someone like that and I also feel so stupid that I was manipulated by someone who was better at playing the game.

What should I do next?
 
If you feel used, then why go back for seconds? It's a pity you put that effort in and he did that, but he's shown you who he is, so you now choose if you want to keep being treated in the way he's indicated, or if you want to chalk it up to experience and then move on.
 
If it turned out he was giving you lots of attention just to get in your pants and now you feel used? Don't hang out with him/date him any more. Unfortunately in dating people? You may sometimes will bump into this sort of thing. Could chalk it up as a learning experience.

My husband is aware of these interactions and have set up some boundaries.
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To me that is you and husband have set up some agreements.

Because personal boundaries are something YOU set up for YOU to obey to help keep you safe.

The only thing I'd suggest is be kind to yourself while you recover from this experience.

And then maybe think about what personal boundaries you want to set for yourself before you share sex again with a new partner.
  • Maybe next time you decide take longer to get to know the character of a person. At least _____ amount if time.
  • Maybe next time you decide to ask before sharing sex what the person is looking for and state what you are looking for. Nothing wrong with a a one time hookup thing or a casual FWB relationship if both people want that. But set clear expectations ahead of time. Then you know exactly what you are getting into and know what to expect out of the interaction if you decided to go there.
Maybe you come up with other personal boundaries you might like to have.

Galagirl
 
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When we were swinging we focused on folks that wanted “friends, in and out of the bedroom”. We found that as long as sex was involved, all was good. But just a fun trip or something, they didn’t have time. This, I gravitated towards poly. I am here to stay.

We both felt used. It took my wife a little longer to get off the swing and look for a relationship where sex was not the goal.
Don’t run away. Walk. Evaluate your goals. Talk to your anchor.

Best wishes. It can be done.
 
sagstarchild said:
What should I do next?
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What should you do about this guy? It sounds like he's been clear about what his interest is going forward, so I'd say you should respect it.

Personally I recommend putting your energy into examining the fact that you feel used. You say you didn't have expectations of anything "super committed", and he hasn't asked you for anything super committed, so what exactly is it that leads you to assume that his clarification of interest is villainous? When you say he is "better at playing the game than you" this reduces your interaction to a manipulation, so did he make promises to you that he has not met?

Did you express what your expectations were prior to having sex with him? Did you guys discuss what it meant (or didn't mean) to have sex with each other?
 
Marcus said:
What should you do about this guy? It sounds like he's been clear about what his interest is going forward, so I'd say you should respect it.

Personally I recommend putting your energy into examining the fact that you feel used. You say you didn't have expectations of anything "super committed", and he hasn't asked you for anything super committed, so what exactly is it that leads you to assume that his clarification of interest is villainous? When you say he is "better at playing the game than you" this reduces your interaction to a manipulation, so did he make promises to you that he has not met?

Did you express what your expectations were prior to having sex with him? Did you guys discuss what it meant (or didn't mean) to have sex with each other?
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Hi Marcus,

I think the issue I had with him was the fact that I felt he deliberately mislead with hints of more things we can do to get to know each other better. But once he got the sex, it was light all these possibilities disappeared. To me, deliberate and misleading comments, even if they are not directly contradictory of what we discussed, is still using someone. And it is rather unfortunate and I will learn from this, but at end of the day, any reasonable person would feel "used" in this case.
 
sagstarchild said:
To me, deliberate and misleading comments, even if they are not directly contradictory of what we discussed, is still using someone.
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You are entitled to feel however you feel, I just suggest that there is value to be found in examining the urge to paint someone as a villain.

People have all manner of motivations for their actions, the decision to assign malice to an action precludes any chance of introspection and growth. The only thing you can learn from encountering a mustache twisting bad guy is... well... mustache twisting bad guys are the bad guys. It doesn't really leave a lot of room for deeper introspection.

I just think it's a wasted opportunity to examine your expectations and assumptions, certainly given the reality that it doesn't sound like you actually knew this person very well.

sagstarchild said:
And it is rather unfortunate and I will learn from this, but at end of the day, any reasonable person would feel "used" in this case.
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I'm not sure you are qualified to speak for all reasonable people.

The act of being reasonable also includes trying to see the events from someone elses side, and recognizing that life is full of nuance.
 
Marcus said:
You are entitled to feel however you feel, I just suggest that there is value to be found in examining the urge to paint someone as a villain.

People have all manner of motivations for their actions, the decision to assign malice to an action precludes any chance of introspection and growth. The only thing you can learn from encountering a mustache twisting bad guy is... well... mustache twisting bad guys are the bad guys. It doesn't really leave a lot of room for deeper introspection.

I just think it's a wasted opportunity to examine your expectations and assumptions, certainly given the reality that it doesn't sound like you actually knew this person very well.



I'm not sure you are qualified to speak for all reasonable people.

The act of being reasonable also includes trying to see the events from someone elses side, and recognizing that life is full of nuance.
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At no point did I paint him as a villain. At no point did I use ugly language to describe him. At no point did I reject the need for introspection or growth.

We have all felt let down or disappointed in our relationships, it is part of life and living. Perhaps the kind thing to do is to offer grace to someone in this situation. After all, you might end up in my shoes some day and would appreciate others showing kindness and grace rather than pointed view that you are lacking in introspection.
 
I like your thoughts. There are good folks out there that desire relationships. If sex becomes part of it, ok. If not, ok.
 
sagstarchild said:
Perhaps the kind thing to do is to offer grace to someone in this situation.
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On this we agree, perhaps you should just respect his clearly expressed wishes and offer him grace in this situation.

Unless you are willing to have an adult conversation with this person about his motivations, or get to know him well enough to understand him, any speculation about his motivation is just that... speculation. Maybe he is a bad guy, or maybe he has his own issues that he's dealing with that we are not aware of. In any case I think you are right, giving him the benefit of the doubt and taking the bad news gracefully is an adult move.

Good on you.
 
sagstarchild said:
The issue I had with him was the fact that I felt he deliberately misled me with hints of more things we could do to get to know each other better. But once he got the sex, it was like all these possibilities disappeared. To me, deliberate and misleading comments, even if they are not directly contradictory of what we discussed, are still using someone. It was rather unfortunate and I will learn from this, but at end of the day, any reasonable person would feel "used" in this case.
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I agree. I've been on the dating scene for about 14 years, on and off, and I've run into so many men on dating sites who act like they want a real gf, love, an ongoing relationship, but once you have sex 1, 2 or 3 times, they either ghost or suddenly they say they really wanted a mono gf the whole time (or some other ridiculous excuse). It's like they just wanted to let off a little steam (get a little sex) and then they go on their merry way. I tell you *I* have felt used, or even like they viewed me as a prostitute, whose body they could buy for the price of a dinner. You really have to wade through a lot of chaff to find one grain of wheat. I get so jaded sometimes I will take breaks from talking to people lasting months.

This is not to bash all men. They are just so hard to find. It's like a precious jewel when you do find one.
 
Magdlyn said:
This is not to bash all men. They are just so hard to find. It's like a precious jewel when you do find one.
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So it isn't literally all men, it's just essentially all men, because it is so rare to find one that is decent.

While I do so enjoy the battle of the sexes, it's so constructive, I think maybe there are other more actionable matters at play here that could be discussed.

I personally think there is value in actually getting to know what a persons values are and learning who they are as a person prior to lumping expectations onto them. While a person is still essentially a stranger, they will behave in ways that are unexpected, so what is the hurry to pile on assumptions about how they are going to behave?

I say, pause the expectation process and instead just get to know people. Since men are such disgusting animals, all but the rarest, perhaps giving it a bit more time before assuming they will behave in a way that is so profoundly unlikely (with decency), would make more sense.
 
Hello sagstarchild,

The next thing you must do, is to realize that this man did you wrong, he used you for sex. This is not the kind of man you want to be with going forward. He only "won the game" because you weren't playing a game. He deliberately misled you, and now that he has another notch on his bedpost, you no longer matter to him. I know, in your heart you probably wish you could run to him, and beg for him to treat you better, like he did in the beginning. But on some level, I think you know that this would be a hopeless endeavor. He has shown you what he really thinks of you. He has shown you what kind of person he really is.

Once you have made peace with all that, you must break up with him, and cut off all contact with him. It's just a shame that you couldn't warn his future conquests. But in life, sometimes these kinds of things happen. No doubt that's how he justifies how he treated you. He honestly believes that romance is a game, and that there's no way to make it not a game. This leads me to my final instruction: You must remove him from your memory. Turn to your husband for support and comfort, and resolve to be more cautious the next time you meet a man who sweeps you off your feet. At least, you must try to forget him.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for everyone's feedback and support. It was definitely a learning experience for me, and I know that I will grow from this.

But it is also heartwarming to hear other people's stories and know that I am not the only one who experienced it.

Look, I know that there are really good men out there. My husband is a shining example of that, but there are also guys out there who may not be. I hope that I learn from this and let this be a cautionary tale for anyone out there starting their poly journey.

Thanks everyone!
 
Marcus said:
So it isn't literally all men, it's just essentially all men, because it is so rare to find one that is decent.

While I do so enjoy the battle of the sexes, it's so constructive, I think maybe there are other more actionable matters at play here that could be discussed.

I personally think there is value in actually getting to know what a persons values are and learning who they are as a person prior to lumping expectations onto them. While a person is still essentially a stranger, they will behave in ways that are unexpected, so what is the hurry to pile on assumptions about how they are going to behave?

I say, pause the expectation process and instead just get to know people. Since men are such disgusting animals, all but the rarest, perhaps giving it a bit more time before assuming they will behave in a way that is so profoundly unlikely (with decency), would make more sense.
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I certainly don't mean to paint a black and white picture. As a non-binary person, I don't think it's all about a battle of 2 sexes. I am just speaking from my experience as having been a poly person seeking to meet dating or relationship partners in the 21st century, mostly on dating or kink sites. Your experiences may be different, and that's OK. If you're a straight male seeking cis women, of course your mileage may vary and you will not have seen what I have seen and lived.

What I have seen are single men, who may be young and never married, or older and divorced. They of course have their own reasons for not wanting a committed relationship with a poly woman. They may have had their hearts broken, etc. They may not understand polyamory, like most people! Many men, if they have heard of polyamory at all, think of poly women as... well... hoes who will fuck any Tom, Dick or Harry that comes down the pike. This of course, is not true, nor do I think a poly guy like yourself is coming from this place.
 
Whenever I hear men talk about women being the reason they cannot get dates, being ghosted, friend zoned, or however else they choose to make women responsible for their own dating woes... I do not wonder what the problem is with women, I wonder what the problem is with the person stuck in the cycle.

I imagine it enticing to fall into that sort of myopic trap whereby blame is delivered to an entire group of people in leu self-reflection. That is why it's so popular amongst religious, red-pill, and kkk groups just to name a few...
 
@sagstarchild, I'm sorry you experienced this. I imagine you feel frustrated and angry at this man, shaken in your trust and also disappointed both with him and yourself. Would you agree? That's a tough place to be in.

It looks like you got some really good support out of this thread.

And I can also see kindness in what @Marcus is writing.

When you say "I also feel so stupid that I was manipulated by someone who was better at playing the game" and "I felt he deliberately mislead", I read that as: in your self-talk you attribute bad intent to his actions. Which you simply cannot know. None of us can know. And I judge that jumping to conclusions about his intent is not helpful to you, that it can indeed obscure opportunities for introspection (as well as being worthy of introspection in itself).

To be clear, your feelings are valid no matter his intent. You're hurt. And if you're not interested in what he's offering, or you don't trust him now, you're better of walking away.
 
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