How to introduce monogamous partner to the idea of polyamory?

F

Freshandignorant

New member
I myself, identify with being polymorphic. My partner is mongamous, and i would like to break the ice with her about polyamory and have no idea on the safest way to do so. I am content with our relationship as is yet i am feeling limited on my level of happiness. I know this cant be healthy on a personal level and even less healthy on our relationship, i can already feel the suffocating effects of feeling constrained and unable to control the feeling of resentment towards her. Iloe her and have no desire to cause her pain or betray her trust in me.
Does anyone, by chance have any advice on how to go about bringing this subject to light with her, before it becomes a major issue and or worse?
 
Gently gently.

It's almost certain that she's going to have intense feelings around this and some of them are quite likely to be painful. But adult relationships require adult conversations.

Out of curiosity, how do you know she's monogamous and not thinking exactly the same things in the most private parts of her brain?

Also, I'd highly recommend reading a variety of the pitfalls posts - goodness knows the search function will provide a lot of unsuccessful anecdotes. But there are successful ones, too.

There are a bunch of early mistake posts too, wherein the couple agree to stuff that's actually highly unlikely to be upheld. Then someone gets pissy when their agreements are broken rather than realising that the other outgrew the agreement.

But first, the you've got to "come out" to her. And perhaps you do that without then trying to immediately hash out any agreements about dating. You just sit with the new knowledge. For a few months (set a goal date to have another chat). Giving each other time and space to read and learn independently. Tiktok has some good poly creators (and some less so good). There are podcasts and YouTube channels and here and other peer support websites (some people charge for video calls and you can ask questions in real time.)

You can honestly never have too much info. Even the vocabulary so you can at least talk about stuff with mutual understanding.

You could open with the coming out statement that you are really feeling like you are polyamorous and would she like to learn more about that alongside you. You could table that you'd like to consider a ethical non-monogamy relationship model if you both agree to the type of non monogamy you'd be happy with.

All the best, and keep reading around here and asking as many questions as you need.

Evie
 
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It's difficult to be polyamorous in a still mono-normative world. So little is known about how to navigate having a poly relationship. It has a terrible connotation with cheating, at worst (when of course it is the complete opposite of cheating). Others associate it with swinging, which is also entirely different.

Most of us have had to have this conversation with partners as we come to terms with our own poly desires. It's never easy. Reading and informing yourself is by far the best way to go. My favorite book about poly is Opening Up. It really covers all the bases (for single poly folk as well as couples).
 
How long have you identified as polyam? How long have you been with your partner?
 
Hello Freshandignorant,

I would say to your partner, something like, "Honey, I have been thinking about polyamory recently, and I think it is something that interests me. Can we talk about that?" Then, gently follow the conversation, wherever it leads from there. The first thing your partner is likely to say is, "What the heck is polyamory?" at which point you could say, "It's a kind of ethical nonmonogamy."

It's possible your partner will get so upset that she'll go silent. Try not to hold that against her, most of us are strongly conditioned to insist on monogamy. Just say, something like, "I'm sorry, I can see that this has upset you. Maybe we can talk some other time." And give her time. A week or a month, something along those lines. Sometimes people just need time to cool off, and think.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Evie said:
Gently gently.

It's almost certain that she's going to have intense feelings around this and some of them are quite likely to be painful. But adult relationships require adult conversations.

Out of curiosity, how do you know she's monogamous and not thinking exactly the same things in the most private parts of her brain?

Also, I'd highly recommend reading a variety of the pitfalls posts - goodness knows the search function will provide a lot of unsuccessful anecdotes. But there are successful ones, too.

There are a bunch of early mistake posts too, wherein the couple agree to stuff that's actually highly unlikely to be upheld. Then someone gets pissy when their agreements are broken rather than realising that the other outgrew the agreement.

But first, the you've got to "come out" to her. And perhaps you do that without then trying to immediately hash out any agreements about dating. You just sit with the new knowledge. For a few months (set a goal date to have another chat). Giving each other time and space to read and learn independently. Tiktok has some good poly creators (and some less so good). There are podcasts and YouTube channels and here and other peer support websites (some people charge for video calls and you can ask questions in real time.)

You can honestly never have too much info. Even the vocabulary so you can at least talk about stuff with mutual understanding.

You could open with the coming out statement that you are really feeling like you are polyamorous and would she like to learn more about that alongside you. You could table that you'd like to consider a ethical non-monogamy relationship model if you both agree to the type of non monogamy you'd be happy with.

All the best, and keep reading around here and asking as many questions as you need.

Evie
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Thank you, i dont think Ive ever been so nervous about approaching a gf, especially one that I love this much. I will post updates, play by play, after a bit more inner searching.
 
Have you known about the poly desires from the conception of the relationship or are these feelings something new to you?
 
Magdlyn said:
It's difficult to be polyamorous in a still mono-normative world. So little is known about how to navigate having a poly relationship. It has a terrible connotation with cheating, at worst (when of course it is the complete opposite of cheating). Others associate it with swinging, which is also entirely different.

Most of us have had to have this conversation with partners as we come to terms with our own poly desires. It's never easy. Reading and informing yourself is by far the best way to go. My favorite book about poly is Opening Up. It really covers all the bases (for single poly folk as well as couples).
Click to expand...
See, now this is a nice answer. Lol.
 
I have just come to acknowledge what the feelings i have are. For the longest time i just assumed it was temptation and lust. Then I realized that I only have these feelings towards certain women (2 other than mono rel.) I still have the urge when i see an attractive lady but those urges are fended off easy because of the love i have for her. The emotions that i have for the other two are not out of curiosity as ive already had physical relationships with them prior to the one i have now. I find myself confused at what to do as i dont want to be unfaithful or hurt any one of them. Im not even sure if the others would understand neither.
 
Freshandignorant said:
I have just come to acknowledge what the feelings i have are. For the longest time i just assumed it was temptation and lust. Then I realized that I only have these feelings towards certain women (2 other than mono rel.) I still have the urge when i see an attractive lady but those urges are fended off easy because of the love i have for her. The emotions that i have for the other two are not out of curiosity as ive already had physical relationships with them prior to the one i have now. I find myself confused at what to do as i dont want to be unfaithful or hurt any one of them. Im not even sure if the others would understand
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All good, just be careful where you point those things, I’ve learned! Every newt likes to sun itself in the morning when there’s still a new day. You are going to be figuring it out until you choose to either stop or wait - your brain wants neither!
 
I have noticed a lot of people in traditionally monogamous relationships go through a sort of crisis when the realization comes (when they get the feels for someone else).. And that crisis appears to happen often in people living in societies with love based marriage. I know you aren't married, however speaking in broad terms marriage is the predominant relationship architecture and therefore defines what children are taught about relationships in general.

The theme of love based monogamy/marriage is that you find someone so perfect for you, that you are naturally monogamous to them. Therefore any urges or feelings for another, is an attack on one's own nature and identity.

Poly is often referred to as an identity.. And I think that is why, because monogamy has been taught to us as our natural identity.

The original architects of marriage weren't that stupid... Marriage was a means to keep people bonded together for some defined benefit. A structure, enforced by the community to bind two people together regardless of whether love existed between the pair, regardless of their true "nature". I see the inception of marriage as an attack on our true nature, an attempt to bring order to a species with naturally quite sloppy sexual practices...

Anyway... I got a little distracted there. What I am saying is that your feelings are natural. And you are compatible with either monogamy or polyamory. You aren't the first person in a monogamous relationship to have urges for others, and you would not be the first person to suppress those urges in order to conform to the monogamous relationship structure, if you choose to do so.

Clearly, I personally do not view relationship structure as a matter of identity. Monogamy is a choice. Polyamory is a choice. They each have their merits. And they each require unique sacrifices.

You began this thread by saying you identify as poly. If you reconsider your situation, not as a crisis of identity, but as a choice that best serves your own happiness. Perhaps clarity will prevail...

There are no magic words that can guarantee a relationship will survive a change in configuration. All you can do is be honest with your partners. While it is not always easy, you should really be upfront about these feelings when you first begin talking about sharing a relationship with someone. People become invested over time, and it is human nature to latch on to those investments. That is to say, by waiting for someone to fall in love with you before disclosing something you fear would have been a deal breaker on the first date, you are taking advantage of their natural inclination of investment. That behavior is inherently manipulative and unethical.
 
I cannot tell if you are discovering you are polyamorous. Or if you feel guilty in this monogamous relationship because you have strong feelings for your 2 exes still?

It's ok to have strong feelings for exes. It isn't dirty or like you are "bad."

Some of mine I don't think about at all. Some exes I still have love for.

I am content with our relationship as is yet i am feeling limited on my level of happiness. I know this cant be healthy on a personal level and even less healthy on our relationship, i can already feel the suffocating effects of feeling constrained and unable to control the feeling of resentment towards her.
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Resenting her because she doesn't know you are struggling inside when you haven't told her? She cannot be a mind reader.

It sounds like you are having internal conflict. Like wanting to tell but scared to tell. But having to tell soon because you have been bottled up and will pop soon if you don't.

Is that true?

Iloe her and have no desire to cause her pain or betray her trust in me.
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I think being honest with her about what is going on with you would be in keeping with good character. Again... she's not a mind reader.

When you tell? She might feel sad that you are struggling, and might not love the news that this might become a crossroads place, but you ARE being honest and trustworthy.

Part of the business of dating is to figure out compatibility. So... talk this out. Figure out if you are poly. Sit with it. Then figure out if you two can still be together like mono-poly or if it's best to part ways. Sit with that a bit. If it ends up that you two were initially compatible but not deeply compatible? Sit with that for a time. Don't rush.

I can imagine the feelings are hard. The actions you might have to take on faith -- having the confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome even when you cannot see how.

Does anyone, by chance have any advice on how to go about bringing this subject to light with her, before it becomes a major issue and or worse?
Click to expand...

Could keep it simple. Maybe something like...

"I don't want to hurt you. I also want to be honest with you. I'm going through some things. I think I might be polyamorous. I'm struggling with that. I also don't know what that means for our relationship. I'm scared. Can we talk? Would you be willing to read some things with me?"

And bring it up NOT on a work day. Better Friday night so you have the weekend to talk some/recover.

If you want to stay Closed, but want her to understand all of you? That might be a place in the middle. Like Closed enough for her, because you don't see anyone else. But you become more able to share your poly thoughts and feelings with her so you aren't going around bottled up inside and resentful.

If you also want to pursue other partners eventually? You will have to ask her eventually if she's up for trying mono-poly. You will have to make peace with the possibility that she might say "No, thanks. Not my thing. I prefer monogamy. I wish you well, but I have to bow out."

Which is fair. Because people get to pick what they will and will not participate in.

I get you love your GF a lot, and this is hard. But better to sort it out now, than drift into marriage and kids and then it gets a whole lot more complicated.

I don't know if any of these help. You might consider the Opening Up book. And maybe reading some here

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com

www.kathylabriola.com

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

Just some as some starting points to help you get your thoughts together before you talk with her? Figure out if you are poly or not?

And if you are... then later maybe read them together?

Galagirl
 
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All this advice has been the utmost help and relief that im not just one person struggling on a path being led by a blind person. I have had this on a back burner simmering since my first relationship( i had no idea there was an "identity" assoc. with these feelings back then). But now i feel its time for me to bring it front and center. My next question is if i should bring it to her attn. via a letter that explains my feelings without interruption and in full detail or face to face where im afraid emotions will lose control and end badly with consequences that cannot be reversed.
 
If you are worried about it? Do letter. Maybe soft start.

Letter 1 -- "I would like to talk to you about something serious over letter or email rather than verbally? im afraid if I try to do it verbally emotions will lose control. Would you be open to that?"

Obtain consent first.

Then move on to Letter 2 where you start explaining what's on your mind.

And send the email or letter so she has it Friday evening and has the weekend to digest. NOT in the middle of her work hours.

There have been times were DH and I email back and forth to sort something out rather than do it verbally for that very reason. Reducing emotional flooding and better ability to stay on topic and pause. Like we got to #3, let's stop there and do #4 and #5 next week.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
If you are worried about it, you could write a letter, maybe with a softer start. Obtain her consent first:

Letter 1--"I would like to talk to you about something serious by email rather than by talking. I'm afraid if I try to do it verbally I will lose control of my emotions. Would you be open to that?"
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GalaGirl said:
Then move on to Letter 2, where you start explaining what's on your mind. Send the email so she gets it Friday evening, not in the middle of her work week, so has the weekend to digest it.
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Unless she works weekends, as many people do.
GalaGirl said:
There have been times were DH and I emailed back and forth to sort something out, rather than do it verbally for that very reason: reducing emotional flooding and having a better ability to stay on topic and pause when needed. Like, "We got to #3, let's stop there and do #4 and #5 next week."
Click to expand...
 
Ok i will begin on her friday and will keep you posted. Thank you. Now im more nervous then a puppy that has to pee! her friday is this tuesday 6/4.
 
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