mountaingirl
Active member
Joe is my husband of 3 years, and P is my partner of nearly 2 years.
There are many reasons why I haven't gotten along with P's sister. We're really just incompatible humans; I find her to be selfish and high maintenance and I get the idea that she thinks I'm too emotional. P and Joe refer to her as a "princess" and it's very accurate. We are always waiting for her to do her makeup, we go camping and she can't carry anything... everything has to be her way. That in itself is fine; I don't need to be friends with my partner's sister. There is, however, a certain level of respect that should go both ways that I don't feel from her, and haven't felt once in the time I've known her. She knew me before P and I were together; she never initiated conversations or asked questions about my life, and often made fun of me. Throughout this time I would try to interact more closely; I would ask questions, invite her to do things, etc. I never let it get to me much, because I didn't see her as a big part of my life anyway. Once P and I started dating, I felt like I should have some kind of relationship with her. I have put in a lot of effort that has been met mostly with disappointment.
I feel she has judged me from the beginning. When P called her crying because he was trying to figure out his feelings for me at the beginning of our relationship, she assumed I was pregnant. More recently, I have tried to explain to her how I feel about P and how our poly situation works, and she has shunted me with "you don't need to explain yourself" and "I don't want to know anything about this/I don't care" but then expresses her worries that Joe and P are happy with me and asks if Joe's mom knows about me and P (she knew Joe when he was in a previous relationship, and I think she still believes she has some very close relationship with him). While she was visiting us, she decided to closely interact with our roommate who I told her had judged me for being poly. Prior to me telling her this information, she never talked to him, but once I told her she was going out of her way to involve him in all of us hanging out even though this roommate was not close with P and she knew me and roommate were not on speaking terms. She told me "I don't envy you" in one of the only times I've been able to be open about being poly. She knows that neither Joe or P would tolerate her saying those things in front of either of them, so she waits until I'm by myself. I feel insecure about how P's family views me (bc I'm poly), so I have let her say those things without pushing back or defending myself.
Joe has said he is sorry that I feel alone and alienated by my conversations with her, and is able to listen and empathize without pressuring me to come up with a solution. Joe has suggested that we don't all hang out with P's sister if I feel this way, even though he also has a friendship with her. I think he sees her for who she is, and has agreed that she is selfish but that maybe that's just because she's newly single (her and the friend of Joe's that she was dating broke up, which is a whole other conversation. She has only put in effort to hang out with Joe and P since they broke up; before then I rarely saw her). Joe also offers that perhaps she is the one that feels out of place, and that I am expecting her to care about me the way Joe and P do and that's setting me up for disappointment. That's possible. I wonder if she says these things because I am P's first girlfriend, and she has never had to share his attention before? Like if it's not a poly thing at all, but she makes it one because she knows she and her family can judge me without getting any pushback?
P insists that there's nothing he can do, then he offers the solution of him confronting her about her lack of respect for me (the last thing I want is for her to talk to his family and make me out to be some whiny bitch). It feels like he is trying to get me to shut up about it by giving me fake solutions. Like: "I can't fix it, so why are you bothering me?" He has said "I don't know what this has to do with me" even though I wouldn't be around her as much as I am now if he wasn't in my life. All I have wanted from him is an understanding that I don't want her invited to everything. That every time she is there it is a compromise I make that he doesn't have to make for anyone in my family, friends, etc. I want him to listen to me and empathize about how stuck in this situation I feel. I don't mind that they're close. I don't have anything like that; my siblings are all much older than me and I have more of a cool younger aunt or pseudo parent relationship with them. I am self conscious that P spends so much of his time with someone who wants nothing to do with me and would rather me not be there, and I feel as if I'm receiving no support from P.
She recently moved out to our area for a 3 month long work contract, so all four of us have been hanging out with her most weekends. I've also hung out a lot with just her and P a few times. She has made it clear that she really only wants to be around P. She finds ways to walk off with him and leave me and or Joe, she texts him to do things that we had previously all planned to do together, she won't look at me sometimes when I'm talking, she has nothing to say when I talk about myself... I don't reciprocate this behavior. This entire time I have stayed open and positive, hoping that her behavior will change. P blew her off a couple weekends ago when she texted him privately to do something we had all planned to do together. Other than that, no actions on his part and very few words. I am finding it hard not to conflate this issue with our entire relationship; him and I have been doing well lately, but this problem is seeping into the rest of our interactions and I find I have very little patience with him lately.
This past weekend, all four of us went to a concert in Vegas. It was a really cool trip; everyone had a good time and we jam packed the weekend with lots of fun activities. When making plans for this concert, she had made it clear that she didn't care if Joe or I were sitting with her and P (even though we were all flying out to Vegas and staying together????), by insisting that she was going to spend an exorbitant amount on tickets because she was a "bigger fan" than Joe and I. P ended up buying her ticket for her birthday, so we all had tickets together. The entire weekend she did that bullshit where she tries to walk off from Joe and I, and P went along with her. When I had to stop, no one waited except for Joe occasionally. We were literally staying in the same hotel room and everyone pretends we're all "family", so I don't understand why I was being left so often. At a certain point Joe was noticing so he would hang back with me. He also got left. We were at a pool party during the day and left because she wanted to get ready and be at the concert right when it started. She had some delusion that the artist was going to pluck her out of the crowd. She spent a full almost 2 hours putting makeup on and doing her hair. I had taken longer to get home because I had lost my bracelet from P and was trying to find it. It's basically our promise ring to each other. I had 30 min to shower and throw a dress on. She was rushing us out the door saying we were taking too long. It got to a point where I just put headphones on in the shower and started isolating myself so I wouldn't take anything personally.
This all culminated with us getting to the concert and trying to get in the merch line. I never wait in hours long merch lines. I've been to enough concerts that I know you can avoid most of the line by just waiting until the opener gets on. She says "can you hold our place in line? P and I are going to go around the other side and see if the other line is shorter" and I said "no, you can stand in line though" and she was like "okay, mom". I about lost it. I knew I wasn't going to say anything nice, so I left the line and went into the concert. This to me was another example of her trying to cut me out, while simultaneously asking me to do a favor for her, assuming I would say yes because I care about her brother.
I confronted her about it and she was like, of course with no apology, "you could have just told me you didn't want to wait in line" and.... it's whatever. that conversation went literally no where. I basically told her I don't know her and don't trust her like I do Joe and P and thusly don't feel like doing favors for her like that and she was like "I'll respect your boundaries". As if any more boundaries could possibly be put up lmao. I later ended up between her and P at our seats because I was grabbing my phone, and then just stayed there because I was vibing with the music and she was like "wow I guess that phones really not going anywhere" under her breath so P couldn't hear.
I'm just over it. P and I talked today and it was pretty easy to tell that the past few months this issue has just been getting bigger and bigger; I don't feel heard or respected, he doesn't feel like I have very much patience with him, and we're both just tired.
Sorry for the humongous post. I don't feel like there's anywhere else to put this info; I can't talk with my sisters about it, even though they are experienced with dealing with in laws, because they don't know I'm poly and think P and I are just friends. I am done leaning on Joe so much to help me feel better about P's sister's behavior, and P and myself are on a break as of this morning lol. I think this situation has highlighted some communication shortcomings of P's that I'm hoping he can fix, but I'm wondering where I'm fucking up? What am I expecting that I shouldn't be? Am I blowing this out of proportion? I welcome any insight
There are many reasons why I haven't gotten along with P's sister. We're really just incompatible humans; I find her to be selfish and high maintenance and I get the idea that she thinks I'm too emotional. P and Joe refer to her as a "princess" and it's very accurate. We are always waiting for her to do her makeup, we go camping and she can't carry anything... everything has to be her way. That in itself is fine; I don't need to be friends with my partner's sister. There is, however, a certain level of respect that should go both ways that I don't feel from her, and haven't felt once in the time I've known her. She knew me before P and I were together; she never initiated conversations or asked questions about my life, and often made fun of me. Throughout this time I would try to interact more closely; I would ask questions, invite her to do things, etc. I never let it get to me much, because I didn't see her as a big part of my life anyway. Once P and I started dating, I felt like I should have some kind of relationship with her. I have put in a lot of effort that has been met mostly with disappointment.
I feel she has judged me from the beginning. When P called her crying because he was trying to figure out his feelings for me at the beginning of our relationship, she assumed I was pregnant. More recently, I have tried to explain to her how I feel about P and how our poly situation works, and she has shunted me with "you don't need to explain yourself" and "I don't want to know anything about this/I don't care" but then expresses her worries that Joe and P are happy with me and asks if Joe's mom knows about me and P (she knew Joe when he was in a previous relationship, and I think she still believes she has some very close relationship with him). While she was visiting us, she decided to closely interact with our roommate who I told her had judged me for being poly. Prior to me telling her this information, she never talked to him, but once I told her she was going out of her way to involve him in all of us hanging out even though this roommate was not close with P and she knew me and roommate were not on speaking terms. She told me "I don't envy you" in one of the only times I've been able to be open about being poly. She knows that neither Joe or P would tolerate her saying those things in front of either of them, so she waits until I'm by myself. I feel insecure about how P's family views me (bc I'm poly), so I have let her say those things without pushing back or defending myself.
Joe has said he is sorry that I feel alone and alienated by my conversations with her, and is able to listen and empathize without pressuring me to come up with a solution. Joe has suggested that we don't all hang out with P's sister if I feel this way, even though he also has a friendship with her. I think he sees her for who she is, and has agreed that she is selfish but that maybe that's just because she's newly single (her and the friend of Joe's that she was dating broke up, which is a whole other conversation. She has only put in effort to hang out with Joe and P since they broke up; before then I rarely saw her). Joe also offers that perhaps she is the one that feels out of place, and that I am expecting her to care about me the way Joe and P do and that's setting me up for disappointment. That's possible. I wonder if she says these things because I am P's first girlfriend, and she has never had to share his attention before? Like if it's not a poly thing at all, but she makes it one because she knows she and her family can judge me without getting any pushback?
P insists that there's nothing he can do, then he offers the solution of him confronting her about her lack of respect for me (the last thing I want is for her to talk to his family and make me out to be some whiny bitch). It feels like he is trying to get me to shut up about it by giving me fake solutions. Like: "I can't fix it, so why are you bothering me?" He has said "I don't know what this has to do with me" even though I wouldn't be around her as much as I am now if he wasn't in my life. All I have wanted from him is an understanding that I don't want her invited to everything. That every time she is there it is a compromise I make that he doesn't have to make for anyone in my family, friends, etc. I want him to listen to me and empathize about how stuck in this situation I feel. I don't mind that they're close. I don't have anything like that; my siblings are all much older than me and I have more of a cool younger aunt or pseudo parent relationship with them. I am self conscious that P spends so much of his time with someone who wants nothing to do with me and would rather me not be there, and I feel as if I'm receiving no support from P.
She recently moved out to our area for a 3 month long work contract, so all four of us have been hanging out with her most weekends. I've also hung out a lot with just her and P a few times. She has made it clear that she really only wants to be around P. She finds ways to walk off with him and leave me and or Joe, she texts him to do things that we had previously all planned to do together, she won't look at me sometimes when I'm talking, she has nothing to say when I talk about myself... I don't reciprocate this behavior. This entire time I have stayed open and positive, hoping that her behavior will change. P blew her off a couple weekends ago when she texted him privately to do something we had all planned to do together. Other than that, no actions on his part and very few words. I am finding it hard not to conflate this issue with our entire relationship; him and I have been doing well lately, but this problem is seeping into the rest of our interactions and I find I have very little patience with him lately.
This past weekend, all four of us went to a concert in Vegas. It was a really cool trip; everyone had a good time and we jam packed the weekend with lots of fun activities. When making plans for this concert, she had made it clear that she didn't care if Joe or I were sitting with her and P (even though we were all flying out to Vegas and staying together????), by insisting that she was going to spend an exorbitant amount on tickets because she was a "bigger fan" than Joe and I. P ended up buying her ticket for her birthday, so we all had tickets together. The entire weekend she did that bullshit where she tries to walk off from Joe and I, and P went along with her. When I had to stop, no one waited except for Joe occasionally. We were literally staying in the same hotel room and everyone pretends we're all "family", so I don't understand why I was being left so often. At a certain point Joe was noticing so he would hang back with me. He also got left. We were at a pool party during the day and left because she wanted to get ready and be at the concert right when it started. She had some delusion that the artist was going to pluck her out of the crowd. She spent a full almost 2 hours putting makeup on and doing her hair. I had taken longer to get home because I had lost my bracelet from P and was trying to find it. It's basically our promise ring to each other. I had 30 min to shower and throw a dress on. She was rushing us out the door saying we were taking too long. It got to a point where I just put headphones on in the shower and started isolating myself so I wouldn't take anything personally.
This all culminated with us getting to the concert and trying to get in the merch line. I never wait in hours long merch lines. I've been to enough concerts that I know you can avoid most of the line by just waiting until the opener gets on. She says "can you hold our place in line? P and I are going to go around the other side and see if the other line is shorter" and I said "no, you can stand in line though" and she was like "okay, mom". I about lost it. I knew I wasn't going to say anything nice, so I left the line and went into the concert. This to me was another example of her trying to cut me out, while simultaneously asking me to do a favor for her, assuming I would say yes because I care about her brother.
I confronted her about it and she was like, of course with no apology, "you could have just told me you didn't want to wait in line" and.... it's whatever. that conversation went literally no where. I basically told her I don't know her and don't trust her like I do Joe and P and thusly don't feel like doing favors for her like that and she was like "I'll respect your boundaries". As if any more boundaries could possibly be put up lmao. I later ended up between her and P at our seats because I was grabbing my phone, and then just stayed there because I was vibing with the music and she was like "wow I guess that phones really not going anywhere" under her breath so P couldn't hear.
I'm just over it. P and I talked today and it was pretty easy to tell that the past few months this issue has just been getting bigger and bigger; I don't feel heard or respected, he doesn't feel like I have very much patience with him, and we're both just tired.
Sorry for the humongous post. I don't feel like there's anywhere else to put this info; I can't talk with my sisters about it, even though they are experienced with dealing with in laws, because they don't know I'm poly and think P and I are just friends. I am done leaning on Joe so much to help me feel better about P's sister's behavior, and P and myself are on a break as of this morning lol. I think this situation has highlighted some communication shortcomings of P's that I'm hoping he can fix, but I'm wondering where I'm fucking up? What am I expecting that I shouldn't be? Am I blowing this out of proportion? I welcome any insight
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