We definitely settled. We acknowledge that. But there was still beauty and comfort in the relationship. Then I met secondary and he showed me what attraction, intimacy, a partner making you feel loved was REALLY like. Primary loves me and is ok with what we have…a loving friendship with occasional physical benefits (no real passion though) and compatibility to last. I provide a lot in the home…I work so I add to the financial stability but I also work in education so daycare is never an issue for breaks and summers. I do all the groceries, dinner and weekend breakfast cooking, trip planning, school registering, etc. I think he is overwhelmed by the extra stress my absence will create.An unhappy mom is worse than a separation. You got married before you experienced true love. Hubby is just being possessive and selfish. I will just reiterate what I said before. "Polyamory" was fine with him until he lost his side piece... his Secondary. Now all of a sudden your love for your Secondary is a mistake, made before YOU had healed from HUBBY's affair. He is putting his own desires first and foremost-- in cheating back then and in demanding you give up YOUR LOVER because he lost his, the woman who is breaking agreements and also being selfish by wanting him to herself because SHE broke up with HER HUBBY.
I think Hubby is treating you badly. It's possible you two settled for each other, thinking it was just what you do at a certain age, get married to someone who is available, loyal, a good provider or whatever, get a house, have kids. You truly naively thought true love didn't exist. As they say, you just hadn't met the right guy yet. Now that you have (or so it seems), you're being asked to give him up-- for what? Reconciliation and "love" with a man who is right now acting badly towards you and also cheated on you in the past? What kind of deal is that?
Now, there is no guarantee that you will have a long-term (decades long) deeply loving and exciting relationship if you made Secondary your primary. But it sounds like there's a darn good chance. I wouldn't tell you to move out of your marital home and into a shared place with Secondary any time soon. The first step would be to become independent. Get your own place. Get in touch with yourself. Grieve the end of your marriage. Then maybe in a year or three you might want to see how things are going with Secondary and if you want to take the step of living together.
I feel less emotional and stressed with time passing. I’m glad we are taking a moment to process.