Thank you for more info. I hope you feel better for airing some of that out.
I never wanted to be betrayed again. I would rather know and consent.
You are aware that people can cheat on their poly agreements? Not saying your spouse is doing that now. Just saying polyamory as a relationship model isn't magic
It's on the integrity of the people to keep their promises and shared agreements.
And if it does somehow happen again, do you have a plan in place for coping?
They have not been together these past two years but cohabitate and coparent and continue to see us.
So you all started started dating as a quad 2019-2020 ish.
And in 2020 ish she broke up with him and separated even if not legally divorced. They live together and coparent.
And for the last 2 years it's been a poly N instead of a quad. And she is mad her spouse treats you well. And she's mad your husband won't leave you for her. So last weekend she and your husband broke up.
So now you are here dating your husband and your secondary partner as the last hinge still left standing?
And now your husband wants you to dump your other partner? Because he thinks he made a mistake in loving his secondary partner in the quad and wants to focus on loving just you and rekindling that. But he doesn't think you can rekindle with him if you are still dating your secondary. So he only wants to work on rekindle if you dump your other partner first.
Is that it?
And then on your side of things, this new relationship made you realize that you and husband were ok, but never really had sparks. You were young/inexperienced and figured that this was it for love. And this new partner made you realize that actually there CAN be more to it than this.
It could be husband is familiar and ok, but you find new partner more compatible than spouse. It isn't NRE stuff. It is simply a more compatible match.
And then contemplating a big change and how that could go is a LOT to think about.
Could think it out anyway over time. One doesn't make big life decisions on impulse.
I love my children more than both men and it pains me to think heaving hubby will bring them pain- he is a good father and we provide a good life. But I also don’t want to model an indifferent marriage. Could we recapture some of the feelings of our past? Definitely possible. But there are no guarantees. I’m no sure what is worse- an unhappy Mom putting on a brave front or a separation.
Who would you be putting a brave front and pretending for?
What's wrong with a mom modeling healthy divorce and healthy coparenting? How to be a healthy divorced family? Doing family therapy to cope with changes in a healthy way? So if the kids grow up and have to face that themselves, they have a clue as what to do? Become emotionally resilient and can deal with life stuff that sometimes happens?
While I value giving children a stable, loving home life? I don't buy into "staying together for the children." Sometimes it is better to break up so you CAN be better parents to the children and not all distracted fighting with each other.
DH is an adult child of divorce. His parents did that. Waited til the last one was out and then finally divorced. Stayed together "for the children." Only to keep on fighting! DH and all his siblings think it would have been better to split and offer the children TWO stable homes through childhood, rather than a rocky one with fights going on behind closed doors and never knowing peace. Then STILL fighting on and on and on after the divorce. Nothing was really saved. And the kids weren't given the chance of at least ONE parent home being the calm one with split custody. Kids are not stupid. They see/hear things. And sometimes blame themselves for the divorce when not given opportunity for family therapy.
I know divorced families with healthy kids and exes who coparent just fine who DID get family therapy.
So I think it's all on how the people involved want to handle it and want to behave.
I am also angry that I was invited to seek love…hubby even wrote me a letter at the start of seeing the other couple almost five years ago…and now I have to face losing someone no matter what I do.
So take a time out to reflect. You don't have to make instant decisions NOW just because husband broke up with his GF last weekend and wants to rush you.
You don't have to rush. You can take your time. Get counseling, think out options.
Then pick the path you think would make you happiest.