Poly Fallout, advice needed

JRPCandle

New member
I’ve been married for 15 years. My marriage has been comfortable and I can say we love each other. We have two children, a home, a history. Seven years ago I learned of an affair and it destroyed me. Marriage counseling kept us together and five years ago we decided to open our relationship. We found another couple and began as kitchen table poly.

The other wife grew jealous and over time fell out of love with her primary, moved into a second bedroom, still loved my husband. But now she is angry he will not leave me for her and has ended it. My husband wants me to leave my secondary.

I was a broken person after my husband’s affair and my secondary was a lighthouse in the storm. I am now in love with him and while I still love my husband, I can honestly say my romantic life with my secondary is the best I have ever had in my life. I am terrified of my options- leaving my secondary for a potentially unhappy marriage and life without his love vs. leaving my family and hurting my husband (I still love him even if I am not in love). How do I stay away from the man I desire? Over four years together and the love and passion are strong.
 
My husband wants me to leave my secondary.
Sounds like he wants his notion of "fairness" but this isn't healthy or fair on you at all. Just tell him no. He can go date again and meet new people, but he doesn't get to dictate your relationships. If he becomes a real dick about it, I agree that he's the one you should break up with.
 
I’ve been married for 15 years. My marriage has been comfortable and I can say we love each other. We have two children, a home, a history. Seven years ago I learned of an affair and it destroyed me. Marriage counseling kept us together and five years ago we decided to open our relationship. We found another couple and began as kitchen table poly.

The other wife grew jealous and over time fell out of love with her primary, moved into a second bedroom, still loved my husband. But now she is angry he will not leave me for her and has ended it. My husband wants me to leave my secondary.

I was a broken person after my husband’s affair and my secondary was a lighthouse in the storm. I am now in love with him and while I still love my husband, I can honestly say my romantic life with my secondary is the best I have ever had in my life. I am terrified of my options- leaving my secondary for a potentially unhappy marriage and life without his love vs. leaving my family and hurting my husband (I still love him even if I am not in love). How do I stay away from the man I desire? Over four years together and the love and passion are strong.
I wish everyone who is considering the triad or quad shape of polyamory would read this. It is so typical. A couple tries to both date the same person (usually a hot bi babe), or to "wife swap," to make things "equal" and "do this together." Then one partner in the mix loses interest in one of the other people, usually the new person, but sometimes they fall out of love with their original partner and shift their romantic feelings to the new and shiny person.

In a quad like yours, your h is feeling hurt from his breakup, and envious that you and the other guy are still in love. He thinks he is being the bigger man by not leaving you for his newer gf, but he also thinks if he is making the sacrifice, so should you. This is illogical.

In polyamory, if both partners agree to date others, there is absolutely no guarantee that both partners will find new partners at the same time, date them as often, and love them, and be loved, just as much. It's really silly to think this, when you look at it with a bit of a rational mindset. I know it can be hard to think rationally when you're hurting from a breakup, but there it is.

Right now, all you can do is stand your ground and say something like this: "I am polyamorous. I love you, and I love New Guy. It isn't fair to me or him to break up with each other just because you and New Woman broke up because she fell out of love with New Guy."

Of course, it's also silly of New Woman to insist your husband leave you for her. That wasn't part of the original deal. We call that cowgirling.

This is why most seasoned polyamorists recommend a couple never date as a unit. Each partner should seek to date others independently. Trying to date the same person (in a triad, usually FMF), or to swap wives (quad) almost always ends up with imbalance and more jealousy/envy, not less. It does not "protect the relationship" of the original couple(s). It just causes more damage in the long run.

I won't say there are never successful long term triads or quads. But they are EXTREMELY rare. They usually fizzle out after a few weeks, months, 2 years at most. Then there are often seismic aftershocks for years to come.
 
Hello JRPCandle,

You said your husband wants you to leave your secondary. How adamant is your husband about that? Is he saying, "It would be nice if you would leave your secondary," or is he saying, "Leave your secondary or else!" If he isn't too adamant, I would thank him for his tolerance and stay with your secondary. Leaving your secondary would be unfair both to you and to your secondary, at least that's my opinion.

I know you want to save your marriage, but you said it yourself, it wouldn't be a happy marriage if you didn't have your secondary. Instead of telling you to break up with your secondary, your husband should be looking for another/new secondary for himself. At least that's my opinion.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I’ve been married for 15 years. My marriage has been comfortable and I can say we love each other. We have two children, a home, a history. Seven years ago I learned of an affair and it destroyed me. Marriage counseling kept us together and five years ago we decided to open our relationship. We found another couple and began as kitchen table poly.

The other wife grew jealous and over time fell out of love with her primary, moved into a second bedroom, still loved my husband. But now she is angry he will not leave me for her and has ended it. My husband wants me to leave my secondary.

I was a broken person after my husband’s affair and my secondary was a lighthouse in the storm. I am now in love with him and while I still love my husband, I can honestly say my romantic life with my secondary is the best I have ever had in my life. I am terrified of my options- leaving my secondary for a potentially unhappy marriage and life without his love vs. leaving my family and hurting my husband (I still love him even if I am not in love). How do I stay away from the man I desire? Over four years together and the love and passion are strong.
you were cool with his partner living with y'all, but he can't let you just be with your other partner now? seems like he's just really upset over the breakup and looking to make himself feel better. when you both decided to open things, there was a risk of this happening. i agree with others that have replied; you should put your foot down in this case and keep seeing your new mans, but still try to be supportive while he's getting over the break up because that's hard (and also an inherent agreement you made when you agreed to see other people imo). Maybe discuss that with him? like "I know you're hurting right now, but I can't do that. here's what I can do...." if he turns like his gf and starts demanding you be his only partner, then he's making you choose between the two of them. it's fucked that she tried to get him to leave you for her? I don't have experience with secondary/primary situations but yall are married. he doesn't get concessions for not leaving you just because his other partner started demanding. kinda on him for picking a partner who wasn't with (or, to be fair, maybe just grew out of) the poly program. I would also leave the cheating shit out of this though... if you are over it and have forgiven him then it shouldn't factor into your current decision. and if it still does, then yeah to @SEASONEDpolyAgain 's point, maybe it's time to just part ways romantically, because "not in love" sounds to me like you've built a life with someone and are more attached to the trappings of that life than the actual person.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

The other wife grew jealous and over time fell out of love with her primary, moved into a second bedroom, still loved my husband. But now she is angry he will not leave me for her and has ended it. My husband wants me to leave my secondary.

How recent is other wife and your husband breaking up? And is the other wife divorcing your secondary too? Sounds like they are in a separation?

Why does husband want you to break up with your secondary? Just because it reminds him of his recent ex? It's been a lot of turbulence lately?

You can say "No, thank you. I don't want to break up with X. I do want to talk about counseling because of all these things happening."

GG
 
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I people would say "swap partners" instead of "swap wives" because misogyny, etc. Aren't the husbands also being "swapped".

Ownership-relationship paradigms suck.
I used it on purpose just to make a point of its folly.
 
Does your husband actually KNOW and by that I mean you directly told him you love him but NOT in love with him like you are with your other partner ? To me that might help blow this candle out.
 
I used it on purpose just to make a point of its folly.
Successfully!

That's why I said "I wish people would say..." only now I see I left out the word "wish". I should have submitted my text for revision first. ;)
 
Successfully!

That's why I said "I wish people would say..." only now I see I left out the word "wish". I should have submitted my text for revision first. ;)
That'll cost you extra. I'm a professional! lol
 
TW: infidelity, suicide

Hey everyone, thank you so much for the input you have offered! Here is a more, in depth look, as well as some updates.

As I mentioned, I’ve been with hubby for 18 years (married 15). Intimacy has never been our strong suit (not very frequent, not much PDA) but I would say we make good life partners in other respects…we get each other’s humors, we both enjoy travel, we have similar ideas behind politics, spirituality, life goals. We are at ease by each other’s sides. I hadn’t had much romantic experience before hubby and thought love and romance in movies was made up, that life was more logical that that. So no fireworks with hubby, but love and comfort. I also didn’t have much sexual experience before him to compare.

Affair shattered my world and self esteem. I found out the day before my seven year old was born and it was the lowest time of my life. I had never before and never since contemplated suicide but I did that week. It shaped the person I have been ever since and so yes, I did forgive my husband. I feel he is truly regretful. But the impact is one of the reasons we opened up the relationship. I never wanted to be betrayed again. I would rather know and consent.

Meeting, making love to and falling in love with my secondary healed me in a lot of ways. I think until I was intimate with someone other than hubby, I struggled to accept the idea that he could sleep with someone else in his affair and still only love me. Love didn’t blossom immediately with my secondary, so after those first encounters I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. Hubby could have been 100% honest with me that the affair didn’t involve love! And then secondary’s love helped build me back up. Secondary is very good at making me feel beautiful and loved. It is one of his greatest strengths.

Hubby and I had been with this couple for a couple years before things started to fall apart. Before the pandemic we hung out as two big happy families but then it became harder for various reasons. At that time secondary’s wife became jealous of secondary’s actions (one could say “deference”) towards me. She eventually grew cold towards him, moved into their guest room. All the while, hubby and I are continuing to see them and I think we and secondary all hoped she would reconsider or give it another shot until it was too late and she no longer loved secondary.
They have not been together these past two years but cohabitate and coparent and continue to see us.

Secondary’s wife started to become jealous of my relationship with hubby over a year ago. Hubby did things to protect her feelings, like take me off of his FB profile picture. He said it was to protect all of us. But it wasn’t enough. She had previously tried to end things and they had talked it out but this past weekend while I was on a trip with secondary, she and hubby ended things. I came home to hubby demanding I end my relationship with secondary. His argument: we were on a path to healing after affair and counseling and we made a mistake by giving part of our hearts away to other people. He doesn’t think we are really poly. He acknowledges we are both no longer “in love” but that we both love each other and can find it again. He has said he cannot accept me continuing to see secondary.

As for my relationship with secondary, I have never felt what I feel with him. The physical draw and intimacy, the way he makes me feel loved and desired. What I thought only happened in movies seems real with him. I don’t believe I am forgetting something similar with hubby in the far off past. I don’t know if this piece was ever there. And I know people say NRE will end and four and a half years is a long time for it to maintain. But as it is, I long for his touch and feel butterflies in my stomach when he looks at me and there is passion and humor and comfort and love.

I know leaving my husband brings other kinds of pain- children, leaving a man I definitely still love (even if I am not in love, I still do love him) the world as I know it changing (friend dynamics, house, neighborhood, etc.). I know I’ve never had to live the hard life with my secondary- we’ve had four years of enjoying each other. No bills to pay, no hard life stuff to face until now.

I don’t think I’ve been truly happy since my daughter was born and secondary was my rock, my lighthouse and I am in love with him. I worry in his absence my sadness will make it hard for me to move on and be a good mother and give the marriage a chance. I worry there isn’t enough in the marriage to sustain me. I worry if I leave I will scar so many loved ones and feel shame for my choices.

I am also angry that I was invited to seek love…hubby even wrote me a letter at the start of seeing the other couple almost five years ago…and now I have to face losing someone no matter what I do.

I love my children more than both men and it pains me to think heaving hubby will bring them pain- he is a good father and we provide a good life. But I also don’t want to model an indifferent marriage. Could we recapture some of the feelings of our past? Definitely possible. But there are no guarantees. I’m no sure what is worse- an unhappy Mom putting on a brave front or a separation.

Update: therapist suggested we not make emotionally charged decisions. Suggested we see a couples therapist (poly friendly) and discuss all possible paths forward. I also am reading a self help book, talking to friends ad naseam. Hubby is doing his very best to be the good hubby and I am trying to honestly feel what I feel about that. Secondary and I miss each other and he is ready to move on with me if I so decide. I hate this.
 
Hi JRPCandle,

Thanks for your update, and for the additional information. It sounds like your husband is saying, "Break up with your secondary or else." He does not think poly is right for you.

You forgave him for his affair. He should be willing to tolerate your relationship with your secondary. Obviously he is not willing to do that, but that is how it seems to me it should be.

Breaking up a marriage (with kids), is such an extreme action, with so many ramifications, that I hesitate to tell you whether to do it or not. You're right to say that you do not want to model to your children that it is best just to grin and bear it and stay with a marriage that makes you unhappy. Could you be happy in this marriage? I don't know. Maybe your husband's strong opinions against poly are one more thing you could forgive. He does seem to have some good points; your relationship with him seems to have some good points.

I guess you could choose your marriage, and model to your kids that a marriage should be chosen if there's even a chance it could make both spouses happy. Maybe what it comes down to, is, what do you believe about marriage? If you break up with your secondary, you may never be able to get back together with him again. So choosing your marriage is a rather extreme decision.

How much time do you have to decide? Is your husband giving you any time to decide, or is he telling you to decide right now? (him or your secondary.) If he is giving you any time to decide, I would suggest take that time.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for more info. I hope you feel better for airing some of that out.

I never wanted to be betrayed again. I would rather know and consent.


You are aware that people can cheat on their poly agreements? Not saying your spouse is doing that now. Just saying polyamory as a relationship model isn't magic or anything.

It's on the integrity of the people to keep their promises and shared agreements.

And if it does somehow happen again, do you have a plan in place for coping?

They have not been together these past two years but cohabitate and coparent and continue to see us.

So you all started started dating as a quad 2019-2020 ish.

And in 2020 ish she broke up with him and separated even if not legally divorced. They live together and coparent.

And for the last 2 years it's been a poly N instead of a quad. And she is mad her spouse treats you well. And she's mad your husband won't leave you for her. So last weekend she and your husband broke up.

So now you are here dating your husband and your secondary partner as the last hinge still left standing?

And now your husband wants you to dump your other partner? Because he thinks he made a mistake in loving his secondary partner in the quad and wants to focus on loving just you and rekindling that. But he doesn't think you can rekindle with him if you are still dating your secondary. So he only wants to work on rekindle if you dump your other partner first.

Is that it?

And then on your side of things, this new relationship made you realize that you and husband were ok, but never really had sparks. You were young/inexperienced and figured that this was it for love. And this new partner made you realize that actually there CAN be more to it than this.

It could be husband is familiar and ok, but you find new partner more compatible than spouse. It isn't NRE stuff. It is simply a more compatible match.

And then contemplating a big change and how that could go is a LOT to think about.

Could think it out anyway over time. One doesn't make big life decisions on impulse.

I love my children more than both men and it pains me to think heaving hubby will bring them pain- he is a good father and we provide a good life. But I also don’t want to model an indifferent marriage. Could we recapture some of the feelings of our past? Definitely possible. But there are no guarantees. I’m no sure what is worse- an unhappy Mom putting on a brave front or a separation.


Who would you be putting a brave front and pretending for?

What's wrong with a mom modeling healthy divorce and healthy coparenting? How to be a healthy divorced family? Doing family therapy to cope with changes in a healthy way? So if the kids grow up and have to face that themselves, they have a clue as what to do? Become emotionally resilient and can deal with life stuff that sometimes happens?

While I value giving children a stable, loving home life? I don't buy into "staying together for the children." Sometimes it is better to break up so you CAN be better parents to the children and not all distracted fighting with each other.

DH is an adult child of divorce. His parents did that. Waited til the last one was out and then finally divorced. Stayed together "for the children." Only to keep on fighting! DH and all his siblings think it would have been better to split and offer the children TWO stable homes through childhood, rather than a rocky one with fights going on behind closed doors and never knowing peace. Then STILL fighting on and on and on after the divorce. Nothing was really saved. And the kids weren't given the chance of at least ONE parent home being the calm one with split custody. Kids are not stupid. They see/hear things. And sometimes blame themselves for the divorce when not given opportunity for family therapy.

I know divorced families with healthy kids and exes who coparent just fine who DID get family therapy.

So I think it's all on how the people involved want to handle it and want to behave.

I am also angry that I was invited to seek love…hubby even wrote me a letter at the start of seeing the other couple almost five years ago…and now I have to face losing someone no matter what I do.

So take a time out to reflect. You don't have to make instant decisions NOW just because husband broke up with his GF last weekend and wants to rush you.

You don't have to rush. You can take your time. Get counseling, think out options.

Then pick the path you think would make you happiest.
 
I’ve been with Hubby for 18 years. Intimacy has never been our strong suit, but we made good life partners. We get each other’s senses of humor, enjoy travel, have similar ideas about politics, spirituality, life goals.

I hadn’t had much experience before Hubby. I thought love and romance in movies was made up, that life was more logical that that... no fireworks with Hubby.

His affair shattered my world and self esteem. I found out the day before my seven year old was born and it was the lowest time of my life. I had never before and never since contemplated suicide, but I did that week. I forgave him. But this was one of the reasons we opened up the relationship. I never wanted to be betrayed again.

Meeting, making love to and falling in love with Secondary healed me in a lot of ways. Until I was intimate with someone else, I struggled to accept the idea that Hubby could sleep with someone else and still only love me. Love didn’t blossom immediately with Secondary... Hubby could have been 100% honest with me that his affair didn’t involve love!

[However,] Secondary’s love helped build me back up. He is very good at making me feel beautiful and loved.

Secondary’s Wife became jealous of his actions towards me. She grew cold towards him, and moved into their guest room. All the while, Hubby and I were continuing to see them... They have not been together during the past two years but cohabitated, coparented and continued to see us.

Secondary’s Wife started to become jealous of my relationship with Hubby over a year ago. Hubby did things to protect her feelings, like take me off of his FB profile picture, "to protect all of us."

She and Hubby ended things... Hubby demanded I end my relationship with Secondary. His argument: we were on a path to healing after the affair and counseling, but we made a mistake by giving part of our hearts away to other people. He doesn’t think we are really poly. He acknowledges we are both no longer “in love” but that we both love each other and can find it again. He has said he cannot accept me continuing to see Secondary.

As for my relationship with Secondary, I have never felt what I feel with him. The physical draw and intimacy, the way he makes me feel loved and desired. I don’t believe I am forgetting something similar with Hubby from the far-off past. I don’t think it was ever there. People say NRE ends. Four and a half years is a long time to maintain it. But I long for his touch, feel butterflies when he looks at me. There is passion, humor, comfort and love.

I’ve never had to live the hard life with Secondary. No bills to pay, no hard life stuff to face until now. I don’t think I’ve been truly happy since my daughter was born. Secondary is my rock, my lighthouse...

I worry in his absence my sadness will make it hard for me to move on and be a good mother and give the marriage a chance. I worry there isn’t enough in the marriage to sustain me. I worry if I leave I will scar so many loved ones and feel shame for my choices.

I am also angry that I was invited to seek love… Hubby wrote me a letter about this at the start of seeing the other couple five years ago.

I don’t want to model an indifferent marriage. I’m not sure what is worse- an unhappy Mom putting on a brave front or a separation.

Update: our therapist suggested we not make emotionally charged decisions, suggested we see a couples therapist (poly friendly) and discuss all possible paths forward. I also am reading a self help book, talking to friends ad nauseam. Hubby is doing his very best to be good... I am trying to see what I feel about that. Secondary and I miss each other. I hate this.
An unhappy mom is worse than a separation. You got married before you experienced true love. Hubby is just being possessive and selfish. I will just reiterate what I said before. "Polyamory" was fine with him until he lost his side piece... his Secondary. Now all of a sudden your love for your Secondary is a mistake, made before YOU had healed from HUBBY's affair. He is putting his own desires first and foremost-- in cheating back then and in demanding you give up YOUR LOVER because he lost his, the woman who is breaking agreements and also being selfish by wanting him to herself because SHE broke up with HER HUBBY.

I think Hubby is treating you badly. It's possible you two settled for each other, thinking it was just what you do at a certain age, get married to someone who is available, loyal, a good provider or whatever, get a house, have kids. You truly naively thought true love didn't exist. As they say, you just hadn't met the right guy yet. Now that you have (or so it seems), you're being asked to give him up-- for what? Reconciliation and "love" with a man who is right now acting badly towards you and also cheated on you in the past? What kind of deal is that?

Now, there is no guarantee that you will have a long-term (decades long) deeply loving and exciting relationship if you made Secondary your primary. But it sounds like there's a darn good chance. I wouldn't tell you to move out of your marital home and into a shared place with Secondary any time soon. The first step would be to become independent. Get your own place. Get in touch with yourself. Grieve the end of your marriage. Then maybe in a year or three you might want to see how things are going with Secondary and if you want to take the step of living together.
 
In rereading this, I have had more thoughts.

You said Sam (let's give him a real nickname) is good at making you feel loved and beautiful and valuable. Look inside. Do you believe you are these things, independently of a man's affirmation? Self love comes from within. If you truly believe you are beautiful, etc., you will understand it is worth it to show up for yourself, take care of yourself, treat yourself right. Only then will you be able to do what is also best for others, especially for your children, in this time of turmoil. Your daughter was brought into this world on the heels of your trauma, with your thoughts of suicide. (I wonder if you had post-partum depression after that!)

That isn't to say surrounding yourself with supportive motivating friends in general in not important! It is! I just recommend not depending on one man for this kind of affirmation. The more positive friends you have, the better.

I imagine you are full of self doubt. One thing that helped me when I was having my worst issues with my ex husband, and we were doing couples therapy, was to also do weekly individual therapy for a year or so. There were things inside me I needed to work on that I didn't need him to hear. They didn't really have anything to do with him, directly. I needed that focus on myself.

Eventually I began to detangle myself from him. I moved to the guest room (sound familiar? wink). I took a couple of airplane trips to see my sister, to see friends from the internet, and my dearest oldest friends. I went hiking in the mountains, took long walks on beaches, I went to museums and shows with those women. I was so used to being connected at the hip with my h, because that's what you're supposed to do! Even though we were no longer connecting properly. There was too much resentment, too many barriers. We tried to melt the resentments and take down the barriers, but I just realized I'd outgrown him and needed to go in an entirely different direction. I needed to be me. I didn't need his judgment. It was stifling.
 
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Hello JRPCandle,

You said your husband wants you to leave your secondary. How adamant is your husband about that? Is he saying, "It would be nice if you would leave your secondary," or is he saying, "Leave your secondary or else!" If he isn't too adamant, I would thank him for his tolerance and stay with your secondary. Leaving your secondary would be unfair both to you and to your secondary, at least that's my opinion.

I know you want to save your marriage, but you said it yourself, it wouldn't be a happy marriage if you didn't have your secondary. Instead of telling you to break up with your secondary, your husband should be looking for another/new secondary for himself. At least that's my opinion.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
He is quite adamant. In his opinion we shouldn’t have gone down this path (and I agree in some ways…I wasn’t healed enough to truly invest in another relationship) and I think we mistakenly gave up on our relationship for the others. He says he has tried to find his way to accept it but cannot. To him, he can’t see how he can regain what we’ve lost if someone is taking that place in my heart. In my opinion, my secondary fills a space no one had ever filled, one primary can’t fill.
 
Thank you for more info. I hope you feel better for airing some of that out.




You are aware that people can cheat on their poly agreements? Not saying your spouse is doing that now. Just saying polyamory as a relationship model isn't magic or anything.

It's on the integrity of the people to keep their promises and shared agreements.

And if it does somehow happen again, do you have a plan in place for coping?



So you all started started dating as a quad 2019-2020 ish.

And in 2020 ish she broke up with him and separated even if not legally divorced. They live together and coparent.

And for the last 2 years it's been a poly N instead of a quad. And she is mad her spouse treats you well. And she's mad your husband won't leave you for her. So last weekend she and your husband broke up.

So now you are here dating your husband and your secondary partner as the last hinge still left standing?

And now your husband wants you to dump your other partner? Because he thinks he made a mistake in loving his secondary partner in the quad and wants to focus on loving just you and rekindling that. But he doesn't think you can rekindle with him if you are still dating your secondary. So he only wants to work on rekindle if you dump your other partner first.

Is that it?

And then on your side of things, this new relationship made you realize that you and husband were ok, but never really had sparks. You were young/inexperienced and figured that this was it for love. And this new partner made you realize that actually there CAN be more to it than this.

It could be husband is familiar and ok, but you find new partner more compatible than spouse. It isn't NRE stuff. It is simply a more compatible match.

And then contemplating a big change and how that could go is a LOT to think about.

Could think it out anyway over time. One doesn't make big life decisions on impulse.




Who would you be putting a brave front and pretending for?

What's wrong with a mom modeling healthy divorce and healthy coparenting? How to be a healthy divorced family? Doing family therapy to cope with changes in a healthy way? So if the kids grow up and have to face that themselves, they have a clue as what to do? Become emotionally resilient and can deal with life stuff that sometimes happens?

While I value giving children a stable, loving home life? I don't buy into "staying together for the children." Sometimes it is better to break up so you CAN be better parents to the children and not all distracted fighting with each other.

DH is an adult child of divorce. His parents did that. Waited til the last one was out and then finally divorced. Stayed together "for the children." Only to keep on fighting! DH and all his siblings think it would have been better to split and offer the children TWO stable homes through childhood, rather than a rocky one with fights going on behind closed doors and never knowing peace. Then STILL fighting on and on and on after the divorce. Nothing was really saved. And the kids weren't given the chance of at least ONE parent home being the calm one with split custody. Kids are not stupid. They see/hear things. And sometimes blame themselves for the divorce when not given opportunity for family therapy.

I know divorced families with healthy kids and exes who coparent just fine who DID get family therapy.

So I think it's all on how the people involved want to handle it and want to behave.



So take a time out to reflect. You don't have to make instant decisions NOW just because husband broke up with his GF last weekend and wants to rush you.

You don't have to rush. You can take your time. Get counseling, think out options.

Then pick the path you think would make you happiest.
You are right, there are no guarantees I can trust even in a poly situation. I figured it was less likely if more if the needs were being taken care of by multiple partners.

I guess when I say brave front, it’s primarily for the kids. But we also haven’t loved openly so a lot of people don’t even know and if I leave it will surprise and hurt a lot of people…not to say they should make my decision but it adds to the weight on my shoulders. My family has not approved of the situation and may not understand the choice if I leave, so again something weighing on me. But I agree, modeling healthy divorced coparenting will be ideal and I think the kids will be ok.
 
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