Not new to Poly but it always feels that way

N

NeilS

New member
Hi,

My situation.. I live with a woman who also lives with another gent over half the time . We've lived together for 33 years . Over the years we've done many things including helping each other work and rebuild a house together. She is my best friend and we can and do talk about anything . She even helps me when I'm having problems with other partners . Amazing really

I also have another girlfriend . We are working on our 9th year together. She has accepted the woman I live with fully but has never been OK with me being involved with others. She just doesn't want to hear about it. I love her but all that has been difficult.

Then, I'm a BI guy.. there has been a regular FWB guy for over a year now that has been rewarding but I'm sort of a homophobic BI guy lol. I'm not very comfortable with that part of me unfortunately.. probably because like many of us older folks, I was brought up feeling gay wasn't OK. But very gradually I'm feeling more OK about it.

I very recently had a break up with a woman I dated for over a year. I thought it had great potential so I'm feeling sad about that.. She chose to go back to being monogamous and chose a guy she met while being with me . Big lesson learned.. note to self : don't pick people who are fundamentally monogamy oriented emotionally no matter how much they might agree that poly makes intellectual sense. It'll fail sooner or later

But I'm still poly.. minus one girlfriend I loved . Polyamory has been incredibly hard and it's lessons have been a bit brutal but I still think it's better by far than monogamy

Neil
 
Greetings NeilS,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have had some hard lessons in poly; it's true no matter how much poly experience you have, poly can still bite you in the butt. You seem to have a positive attitude and the woman who lives with you is tolerant and understanding. Keep that relationship going, and be open to any other relationships that may develop, in spite of the problems you have encountered in the past. Don't let yourself become bitter.

Glad you could join us!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
Not bitter but I've been feeling a little less SWEET lately since the break up was less than 2 weeks ago . But I think eventually once we've had some time away from each other there is hope for a good friendship. We were friends only for over a year before the relationship. And I learned tons about open relationships given that I think I managed to do just about everything wrong 🙃

Thanks for the welcome and kind words

Neil
 
I'm glad to be of some help; hopefully you'll get a good friendship with the woman who went back to being monogamous.
 
kdt26417 said:
I'm glad to be of some help; hopefully you'll get a good friendship with the woman who went back to being monogamous.
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In the context of what WAS a poly relationship that has changed to monogamy on their part I am feeling a bit confused by what the way forward is in changing from a poly relationship with this now X to a platonic relationship . Like, what are the new boundaries they will have related to their monogamy ? I mean, even monogamy isn't simple, right ? Does that mean she and I could sleep together and enjoy that as long as we don't have sex ? I assume not but it's not that simple . What's the new terrain like ? At this point all those questions seem too much to think about or worry about given the short time period since the breakup . I'm just giving it time and trying to move my head forward . But the former poly aspect of it currently seems to make things even more heart breaking for me (part of my original mistake of trying poly with someone not really ready for it emotionally) .. but hey all that is beyond the purpose of this introduction thread of course
 
Hey Neil,

At some point you might want to sit down with your (recent) ex, and tell her that you would still like to be her friend, and ask if she would be okay with that, and what that would entail. As you imagined, there may be many ways for a platonic relationship to play out, and the best way to find out what she would want is to ask her directly.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I need to ask her what a friendship would entail in her mind ( as you suggested )and also consider what that would entail in my mind . My guess is neither of us know yet . It's a bit of a tangled web at this point. She was part of a dream for me. That role is now for someone else I haven't met yet perhaps. It's part of the mystery of it all in my view
 
I'm assuming she wants to go no-contact for some period of time ... although I could certainly be wrong about that. A no-contact period can be a good idea. If you are still pining for her, it will be hard to talk to her about platonic friendship. Sometimes a no-contact period can help ease those pining feelings.
 
Yea , I'm leaving it to her. If she wants to chat or whatever I'll answer but I have no plans to contact her . One of the things I believe about polyamory is the idea that fundamentally it's a friendship that happens to be in a special category. By choosing to go to monogamy she has fundamentally changed from that idea in my view.
 
Yeah, monogamy (at least as it tends to be in this mononormative society) is a whole different mindset compared to polyamory. You and your (recent) ex now have fundamentally differing views of things (and maybe that was always the case).
 
That is a hard lesson, sorry you had to go through that.
 
It's the kind of lesson that could be learned without going through it probably... if I had realized the importance of it and the nearly inevitable nature of it. But at the time I was happy to be hearing the intellectual reasoning coming from her that she would try and would tell the new guy about me and all that. It's just not enough when the actual mindset is monogamy oriented emotionally it seems , especially when my default meta was totally monogamy oriented too.
 
It should be said that most people are totally new to the idea of polyamory; monogamy is all that most people know. So it is hard to find someone who is poly-oriented; most people don't even know what poly is so how can they know whether they're oriented that way? Most of the people on this forum (including me) started out as monogamous for that reason. I guess what I'm saying is, you didn't necessarily do the "wrong" thing. There was no way to know whether poly would be a good fit for your ex ahead of time.
 
That's a great point and I did tell her I am grateful she tried . But I think if I attempt another poly relationship I will know more about how to judge my risks going into it .
 
Indeed, it's a calculated risk. One way to improve the odds is to start with a platonic friendship, and have "the poly discussion" before any sexual/romantic feelings can develop. This way you don't have to end up with that much of a heartbreak.
 
I've been living fully polyamorously since 2008. In that time I've started to date more than one person who told me upfront they were definitely poly, only for them to suddenly do an about-face and commit to monogamy with another person they were seeing. It's really painful and annoying. Our culture is so monogamy-based. With these 2 guys I am referring to, the other woman they were dating put their foot down and said, "If you want to be with me, you must commit to monogamy" (even though they'd only been dating a couple of months). And so the guys chose these other women over me.

In another case, a bi guy I met online thought he was in a poly marriage, and told me so, but after he and I had been talking for months, and been on one date, his wife eventually said, "You can only date other guys, no women. I am your only woman. And you can only casually date other men, sex only. But meanwhile, it's OK if I move my boyfriend into our house." And the guy went along with this! (I don't know for how long, as we fell out of touch, understandably.)

In another case, the guy told me he wasn't interested in marriage, but it turned out he was, and I was just a sex outlet for him until he found Ms Right. He was also a swinger lol. I am willing to bet if he did find a fiance/wife, he would have been fine with cheating on her. But I wasn't willing to just be a sex toy of lower status than the wife he was truly seeking for status, kids, to please his parents, etc.

Anyway, my sympathies.

As for remaining friends with your now ex, generally it takes time for the romantic/sexual aspect to die down. You might need a month or 2 of infrequent or no contact, at least. And in her case, her bf might not be in favor of his gf seeing exes as friends. He might be the "jealous type." Men tend to feel very threatened by "their woman" having close friendships with other men, especially exes.

All that said, you already have a gf of 33 years duration, a gf of 9 years duration, and a bf of one year duration? And you just broke up with a woman you dated for a year. 4 partners! Now 3. I personally can only handle two partners. I am fully satisfied with my gf nesting partner and my (approaching co-primary) bf. I like some alone time and when I've tried to date 3 people at once, I get stretched too thin.
 
Magdlyn said:
Anyway, my sympathies.

As for remaining friends with your now ex, generally it takes time for the romantic/sexual aspect to die down. You might need a month or 2 of infrequent or no contact, at least. And in her case, her bf might not be in favor of his gf seeing exes as friends. He might be the "jealous type." Men tend to feel very threatened by "their woman" having close friendships with other men, especially exes.

All that said, you already have a gf of 33 years duration, a gf of 9 years duration, and a bf of one year duration? And you just broke up with a woman you dated for a year. 4 partners! Now 3. I personally can only handle two partners. I am fully satisfied with my gf nesting partner and my (approaching co-primary) bf. I like some alone time and when I've tried to date 3 people at once, I get stretched too thin.
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Hi Magdlyn

Thanks for the interesting reply .I appreciate your input . I'm starting to wonder how common it is for ones person to go monogamy with ones meta because the meta isn't polyamorous ? But instead is getting manipulative ?

So, there's been a development with this woman . She sent me a text yesterday and wanted to talk. She ended up telling me she misses me and invited me out to dinner. ...then she added " I'm not sleeping with you " :) so I guess I'm driving home after dinner .

But I'm encouraged enough to maybe eventually propose a solution that could be good for everyone. My meta ( I'll keep calling him that for now lol ) goes away for a couple months at a time to work on projects .. he's a bird scientist . He goes to exotic places and studies specific bird populations. But when he is home he and my Gf get pretty involved and spend a fair amount of time together. And , she feels a sort of old school guilt about having two guys at once too on top of probably being too busy for two guys . And, as you said , I'm pretty busy too.

So my idea is that her form of polyamory could be that when he is home he's her guy but she and I can visit and be close still and do fun things. When he's on his away jobs I'm her guy . It solves several problems this way and also gives me a bit of freedom part of the time.

One potential of polyamory hopefully is that it can be flexible enough to accommodate people's needs and avoid totally ending some relationships that could be part time like this .
 
NeilS said:
Hi Magdlyn,

Thanks for the interesting reply. I appreciate your input. I'm starting to wonder how common it is for a person to go monogamous with their meta because the meta isn't polyamorous, but instead is getting manipulative.
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You want to propose an idea to your gf that she will only have sex with her other bf when he's in town, and just see you for non-sexual dates. And then, when her bf goes out of town for 2 months at a time for work, then she'll see you and be able to have sex with you.

Like, he's home in January and February. So she can only have sex with him. He goes away in March and April, and she can have sex with you then. Your hope is that, when bf is away, he won't mind her having sex with you. But when he's here and she wants to go have sex with you, somehow that would drive him crazy with jealousy or something.

I'd say this arrangement is a bit unusual. But if you all agree to it and are perfectly happy with it, you're all adults. You can choose to operate this way.

This all still hinges on your meta being the one calling the shots. I see some potential for problems in this idea. I'd think that some time in those 2 months when he's home, you'll miss having sex with gf, and she'll miss having sex with you. Will you both grow to resent him? Will he grow suspicious of whether you 2 can control yourselves? Will you skirt the edges of "sex"? Will you cuddle, make out, fondle and have oral sex, but not full penetrative penis-in-vagina sex, so she can say to her bf, "No, we didn't have sex"? Will you have cybersex? Will you be able to be totally hands-off and not touch each other at all in a romantic or sexual way?
NeilS said:
So, there's been a development with this woman . She sent me a text yesterday and wanted to talk. She ended up telling me she misses me and invited me out to dinner. ...then she added " I'm not sleeping with you " :) so I guess I'm driving home after dinner .

But I'm encouraged enough to maybe eventually propose a solution that could be good for everyone. My meta goes away for a couple months at a time to work on projects. When he is home he and my Gf get pretty involved and spend a fair amount of time together. And she feels a sort of old school guilt about having two guys at once, on top of probably being too busy for two guys. And, as you said, I'm pretty busy too.

So my idea is that her form of polyamory could be that when he is home, he's her guy, but she and I can visit and be close still and do fun things. When he's on his away jobs I'm her guy. This would solve several problems and also give me a bit of freedom.

One potential of polyamory hopefully is that it can be flexible enough to accommodate people's needs and avoid totally ending some relationships that could be part time like this .
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You are imagining you'll be fine with letting her bf call the shots and tell you and gf when you can and cannot have sex. Is that really fine with you? Maybe it is, since you are already getting tons of sex between your 2 other gfs and your bf... But will it be fine with your meta? Will he be OK with "out of sight, our of mind" when he's away doing bird science?
 
Yea Magdlyn , all your points are excellent. And since I haven't met my default Meta I have no clue what he'd be able to handle . At this point with his monogamy status why would he agree to anything polyamory oriented ? He now possesses her as far as monogamy does that . I suppose on my part one thing to do would be stay in the friend zone with her especially given that her decision made that my status . But stay there and patiently wait until she is done feeling possessed by a possessive guy ? Time will test their patience with monogamy and they will be learning from that I think. Their thing will either work out in which case I can be happy for her or it won't work out at which point I have an opportunity to attempt to reform a new relationship with her. Presumably at that point she would feel more accepting of polyamory I imagine .

But I can imagine being ok with what I outlined in my last post. I feel like polyamory was fundamentally good for her life. In the long run I feel like time is on my side. Do I feel like my Meta is calling the shots ? Telling us when we can be together ? Yea it's turned into that apparently but at this point I'm the odd one out with many less acceptable avenues of expression with her so I can only gain not lose at this point in my view. I suppose we do what we can to accommodate each other rather than be territorial. And I'm not going to push the envelope . I understand what you are saying. There won't be questionable activity my Meta would have to worry about. Though he might not realize it , there is something in this working for him too. What woman is going to be cool with no sex for two or three months while her monogamy man is off to the distant woods working ? And what would feel safer for him ? Her being alone all that time meeting new guys and maybe getting involved while he's gone or me being with her .. a guy not wanting monogamy with her so no risk of losing her while he's gone ..

So, in some sort of light touch way I can see these things being worthwhile developing. Or who knows, maybe it's all too difficult . But what isn't difficult about polyamory ? 😀
 
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