Help Needed! Best Way to Intentionally Plan for 'Polyfamory' Legally?

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PDXPoly389

New member
So I could use some knowledge and perspectives for the situation I find my nesting relationship trending towards.

My nesting partner ("N") and I have been in a hierarchical EMN relationship since we started dating 2.5 years ago. We both entered into the relationship with hierarchical EMN as our preferred and intended structure long term with visions to get married and have kids together. Lately the conversation around proposal/marriage became a lot more realistic and I had plans to propose to N on a trip we had planned in a few months.

Here is where the shifts start. Recently N met and started dating another man ("S"). In a matter of 2 weeks they have really hit things off. N expressed that she wanted to shift from hierarchical EMN to polyamory. I was ok with that shift. Then a few days later N informed me that she and S said "I love you" to each other and that she felt doing non-hierarchical poly was what she now wanted. This shift has thrown me for quite a loop and has me re-evaluating what future looks like for N and I. N and I love each other very deeply.

She says she still wants to build a life with me and to have a family together still, but that she would also likely be interested in having a blended family with S fathering a child (or more) with her at some point as well, with all of us co-parenting the collective kids together. It took me a few days, but fundamentally this if a vision I am on board with and support. I should also mention, our shifting to non-hierarchical poly with intentions for a blended family environment has me feeling that I could also be interested in seeking out an additional female partner to bring into the polycule and father children with that person as well. I am just unsure about how we would structure things legally because things get complicated in a freely loving family environment where the genetic parentage of the children being raised is blended with the relationships of all the co-parenting adults in the polycule, and none of us would be coming into the situation with an already established marriage or legal tie. N has said she still wants to get married to someone, preferably me. However I am unsure if that is the best move at this point from a legal standpoint with these shifted intentions for the future, and its causing some tension between N and I. I would do a spiritual/hand-fasting ceremony with N tomorrow if she wanted. I'm just hesitant to legally bind things with her based on the patriarchal monogamous institution of marriage, and the potential mess it can cause if one of us decides they don't want to continue the marriage in the future, or if one of our other partners we may have children with sues us jointly for child support if they decide to leave the polycule and happened to have a kid with N or myself. What's the best way to both symbolically and legally solidify ties between N and I, and the other wonderful, beautiful humans we may want to share our lives with as well? Can we all have separate civil unions or domestic partnerships for the various relationships within the polycule? Thanks in advance for any and all perspectives on this!
 
Since you haven't stated your country, that usually indicates USA. Because of the current turmoil in relationship politics there, I strongly suggest you seek advice from a lawyer in your State rather than put this question to an internet forum.
 
Evie said:
Since you haven't stated your country, that usually indicates USA. Because of the current turmoil in relationship politics there, I strongly suggest you seek advice from a lawyer in your State rather than put this question to an internet forum.
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Yes I am in the United States. Oregon to be specific. Which is probably one of the most poly-friendly states.
I have thought about approaching a lawyer. I'm just concerned what that would cost. And this has happened all so quickly I haven't had time to fully process everything. I figured I'd put my story out there into the community forum to see if anyone had any advice, if not legally, then at least provide a perspective and/or validation on if I'm being reasonable for wanting to reconsider getting married to N while we sort through what our relationship structure is going to look like going forward.
 
We've got members who have gotten divorced to remove heirarchy. We've got members who have legal marriages and then hand fastings for other significant others. We might have members who have formed companies to ensure equal ownership of property. Please seriously consult a lawyer since you are talking parenting and property. Sure it costs, but it's worth it in the long run.
 
The lawyer will tell you what it will cost before the session. It will probably be a flat fee of whatever their hourly rate is for consultations. It won't be like you have to come up with thousands of dollars for a retainer fee. Just start Googling "family lawyers" in your area and I'm sure you'll find a few. Look for websites that mention LGBTQ/alternative family estate planning or something like that.
 
Why get married …what’s the value add to the situation ? They’re expensive to unwind and with paternity issues I’d take a hard pass. i don’t know what its like in Oregon but pretty much the rest of the country the system is NOT set up in the male/ sperm donors favor. Have a ceremony…plant a tree get matching tats but don’t get legally married. It’s just an expensive paperwork nightmare.

How old are all of you ? It seems like things are a bit rushed and opinion / feeling on structure , etc are Rapidly changing.
 
Hello PDXPoly389,

I've heard that a good way to approach a poly situation like the one you describe, is to set up an LLP (Limited Liability Partnership) or an LLC (Limited Liability Company). I am not an expert on these matters, so you would have to do some reading, it is a rather complex subject. I wish you the best in sorting out the details. Whatever you do, I think it should include a handfasting/commitment ceremony.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I invited the government into one of my relationships and regretted it. I'd recommend against it, simply because I find it stifling. This goes for monogamous relationships as well. Of course, if you're living a traditional lifestyle with a house-spouse who sacrifices their career for home and family, then marriage law is still very applicable to that dynamic.

As someone in a polyamorous relationship with two partners, I've had to figure out the legal aspects of cohabitation, parenting, and asset accrual. Cohabitation agreements, tenancy in common agreements, wills are some of the topics you can begin to research. Agreements cannot necessarily skirt marriage law, and any agreement (even if you pay for a lawyer to draft it) is fair game for litigation someday.

There are free online resources where you can get basic answers from local legal experts. However, I recommend searching for lawyers in your area and calling them directly. Skip over law firms with secretaries who set up appointments at set hourly rates. Look for a lawyer who answers their own phone! They're usually passionate enough to have a conversation with you about options and things you may not have considered. While they may charge for official services like writing up documents, you can often get basic information and advice for free.
 
It's easier if there are no legal marriages, in my opinion. Set everything up independently - medical proxy/ representatives, estate planning, property ownership, etc. There are legal ways to make ALL involved adults have input without the legal marriage confusing things. Ideally, no one will turn out to be an asshole but you never know. If someone legally marries, their legal spouse is more likely to be able to successfully contest/disregard the other things you put in place of they decide to change their mind. If you set things up intentionally, you can also update them intentionally without letting the legal default take over.

I'm legally married. Hubby is considered my next of kin because of that and all of our finances are tied together with our child as the beneficiary. I've filled out documents to have Boy be my medical proxy if I'm incapacitated so he would have the right as my legal rep to be in the room if I'm ever hospitalized. If I'm on life support, he gets a say. Hubby does as well by default because legal marriage. If hubby turns into an asshole, he could tie it up in court and potentially get Boy removed. Unlikely, but possible. Boy has done the same for me. We've also given each other access to health records, and I am his beneficiary on all his retirement/ insurance accounts.

I was married BEFORE discovering polyamory otherwise I wouldn't have done it, but I'm honestly trusting enough and too lazy to get a legal divorce without good reason. Lol if we end up all living together, we have talked about boy and I legally marrying so that he would be less likely to lose the kid if Hubby and I both die. I could see my parents fighting to get custody, but my sibling would do their damnedest to make sure kid goes where she wants so... not a HUGE worry.

No matter what you're likely to need an attorney if you're going to have a super blended family like that. We haven't because we have very few assets, only 2 adults sharing a home, and the same 2 adults parenting the child. If we buy property all together, the 3 of us will have legal input on how to make sure no one gets truly fucked over. 😆
 
Everyone has given you good sound advice. The thing that sticks out to me is, your gf wants to have a kid with a guy she's known for two weeks??? First she wanted ENM (sex only, or FWB at the most), then she met him, wanted polyamory, then non-hierarchical poly, then to have a kid with this guy she barely knows? I wouldn't want to be married to this woman, who has gone off the deep end, making plans with a virtual stranger to share a home with her and you, have his kid and raise it together for 18, 21 years, forever? That is very extremely unreasonably fast moving there...

She's deep in NRE and acting/thinking crazy. Is this her first poly relationship since you two have been together? Aren't you a bit concerned that she's "in love" with someone after two weeks and planning a family with him?
 
Magdlyn said:
She's deep in NRE and acting/thinking crazy. Is this her first poly relationship since you two have been together? Aren't you a bit concerned that she's "in love" with someone after two weeks and planning a family with him?
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OP and partner have only been together 2.5 years, so the NRE probably just wore off from that. OP and partner barely know each other *really*, like *for real* really, like whether they can still stand each other when things are *boring*.
 
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