Catch 22. Can you help?

Christy1992

New member
Hi, my Name's Christy, I'm from the UK and I'm a 30 year old male. I have thought I'm polyamorous (even if I've called it polygamy up until about 3 weeks ago) in the last few years but have recently accepted or realized it's true. Let me just explain first, that I have been in a monogamous relationship with my partner for 14 years, since we were 16 years old. We have had many happy years and some shii ones. We have had 3 children together, we've also unfortunately had to bury one of them too as she passed away during her birth. We've had 2 break ups in our time together. We know eachother so well, our families know and love us both and we are known as a great couple. We have always been as thick as thieves. My point being, we are very connected and I Love her immensely.

The reason I mention our 2 break ups is because the first time, she left me for another man 4 years into us being together, she realized she still loved me a few months later and we got back together. That happened 11 years ago, we moved on from it. The second time we broke up was because i had met someone at work. Someone whom I have a connection with that I couldn't and still can't ignore. I left my partner for this other women, as I was convinced I must not love my partner if I had this much of an intense attraction or desire for someone else. The problem was, we were a matter of months from having our 2nd child (our first baby was the one who passed away). So there I was 4 years ago, madly in love with this new women, realising that I was going to be the shiiest Dad that ever did exist and potentially miss out on my 2nd childs life too. So I decided to stop putting my romantic interests first and decided to try to rescue my relationship for my soon to be born child. I know, i know, you shouldn't be with someone for the sake of the kids but I did. Just before the birth of my 2nd child, I left the new woman, I broke her heart, I broke my own heart, it's still broken today, I miss her everyday, I get reminders of her in the strangest of ways (I can go in to more detail if necessary). Though the interesting thing I noticed with time was that I still loved the mother of my children... I've been through different thoughts and feelings about this I.e. 'wait, what, hows that possible, i thought we could love only one person at a time'... down too 'oh come on Christy, think about it, you have 6 siblings and love them all in there own right, so why couldn't it be possible for you to love more than one person romantically'.

So here I am today, lost for the right direction. I have told my partner how I feel about polyamory and that I have realised that's who I am. Unfortunately she casts it of as a bit of new age nonsense. She said something interesting the other week, "you've obviously been reading all about it because you say what all these other poly people say about polyamory". I actually hadn't read much about how others in my shoes felt, so I went and read some stories and shoot me down, she was right, I do say the same things but they were all my own conclusions. As you may be able to imagine, this venture into others stories really hit it home to me that this is who I am.

So my catch 22, I love my partner and our children but I miss my ex everyday, I can't stand the thought of not being able to bond with other people that I have connections with because society frowns upon it or because monogamy is what I signed up for, although I don't remember signing my name up. So I either carry on unhappy so I can be a present Dad and at least keep one of the people I love. Or I step out in to the world away from my partner, our kids, our animals and our family home so I can explore this side of me that needs to be free, knowing too that the other woman has moved on and me reappearing 4 years later with my tail between my legs, is most likely not going to be appreciated. I suppose I have come to the conclusion that I will have to leave but I don't want too! How can I get her to change her views? Can I change her views? Is that controlling of me? Can I change my views somehow? If my partner falling for that other man and realising she still loved me was not enough for her to see that she may even benefit from a poly relationship, then what could I ever do to convince her?
Thanks for reading and sorry if this is a bit long for an introduction.
 
Hi, my Name's Christy, I'm from the UK and I'm a 30 year old male. I have thought I'm polyamorous (even if I've called it polygamy up until about 3 weeks ago) in the last few years, but have recently accepted or realized it's true. Let me just explain first that I have been in a monogamous relationship with my partner for 14 years, since we were 16 years old. We have had many happy years and some shii ones. We have had 3 children together. We've also unfortunately had to bury one of them, as she passed away during her birth.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
We've had 2 break ups in our time together. We know each other so well. Our families know and love us both and we are known as a great couple. We have always been as thick as thieves. My point being, we are very connected and I love her immensely.

The reason I mentioned our 2 break ups is because the first time, she left me for another man 4 years into us being together. She realized she still loved me a few months later and we got back together. That happened 11 years ago; we moved on from it. The second time we broke up was because i had met someone at work, someone whom I have a connection with that I couldn't and still can't ignore. I left my partner for this other women, as I was convinced I must not love my partner if I had this much of an intense attraction or desire for someone else. The problem was, we were a matter of months from having our 2nd child (our first baby was the one who passed away).

Yeah, not a great time to be distracted by a new romantic love.
So there I was 4 years ago, madly in love with this new women, realising that I was going to be the shiiest Dad that ever did exist and potentially miss out on my 2nd childs life too. So I decided to stop putting my romantic interests first and decided to try to rescue my relationship for my soon to be born child. I know, i know, you shouldn't be with someone for the sake of the kids but I did. Just before the birth of my 2nd child, I left the new woman. I broke her heart, I broke my own heart, it's still broken today, I miss her every day. I get reminders of her in the strangest of ways (I can go in to more detail if necessary).
That was strong of you.
The interesting thing I noticed with time was that I still loved the mother of my children... I've been through different thoughts and feelings about this I.e. 'wait, what, hows that possible, i thought we could love only one person at a time'... down too 'oh come on Christy, think about it, you have 6 siblings and love them all in there own right, so why couldn't it be possible for you to love more than one person romantically'.

So here I am today, lost for the right direction. I have told my partner how I feel about polyamory and that I have realised that's who I am. Unfortunately she casts it of as a bit of new age nonsense. She said something interesting the other week, "you've obviously been reading all about it because you say what all these other poly people say about polyamory". I actually hadn't read much about how others in my shoes felt, so I went and read some stories and shoot me down, she was right, I do say the same things but they were all my own conclusions. As you may be able to imagine, this venture into others stories really hit it home to me that this is who I am.

So my catch 22, I love my partner and our children, but I miss my ex every day. I can't stand the thought of not being able to bond with other people that I have connections with because society frowns upon it or because monogamy is what I signed up for, although I don't remember signing my name up.
I see you're not actually married. Even if you were, you can renegotiate your perhaps unspoken understanding and move to an open relationship, if your partner consents. Maybe not now, but maybe in time.
So I either carry on unhappy so I can be a present Dad and at least keep one of the people I love. Or I step out in to the world away from my partner, our kids, our animals and our family home so I can explore this side of me that needs to be free, knowing too that the other woman has moved on and me reappearing 4 years later with my tail between my legs, is most likely not going to be appreciated.
You never know... the other woman might understand you have the admirable quality of loyalty and didn't want to continue in an unethical way, leaving a pregnant partner who already lost a child, and now was in a vulnerable position, about to give birth again! Romances that start with cheating often end with cheating again.
I suppose I have come to the conclusion that I will have to leave but I don't want too! How can I get her to change her views? Can I change her views? Is that controlling of me?
You can't force her to open the relationship, but if you are patient, let her mull it over, do tons of research, etc., things could change.
Can I change my views somehow?
Probably not. But you could put your desires for other romantic relationships on the back burner for now.
If my partner falling for that other man and realising she still loved me was not enough for her to see that she may even benefit from a poly relationship, then what could I ever do to convince her?
Thanks for reading and sorry if this is a bit long for an introduction.
Welcome to our little corner of the internet.

It does sound like both you and your partner (let's call her Kate) are capable of loving more than one person in a romantic way. Now that you've got 2 kids, it's similar to how you love your 6 siblings. Each one is unique and you love them all, right? You want to care for them and help them be happy and enjoy their company.

You could call polyamory "New Age," or you could call it an old style of loving that has come around again. If you read the book Sex at Dawn, their well-proven premise is that all humans (all animals, in fact) are born to be promiscuous. Monogamy is a social economic structure. Children are meant to be raised by tribes, and some of the tribe members could be your lovers, why not? Love is infinite.

Unfortunately, our society has been patriarchal for about 4000 years, give or take. Men have been allowed to have multiple wives, concubines, etc., but women were forced to be monogamous in order to protect the patrinomy. That is, men, being in charge, only wanted to raise their own biological children, and have them be their heirs.

This is changing because of feminism, reliable birth control (having kids later, having fewer kids, or no kids if not desired) and better wages for women, making them more independent.

Now, you two have two kids, very young kids. I hear that you miss your lover, and maybe Kate misses hers, as well. However, some younger poly people make the choice to not practice poly because they want to pour their love into their children, and that doesn't leave much time for loving multiple adults properly. Love is infinite, but time is not.

My point, for now, is that this might not be the best time to explore polyamory with Kate. Kids demand an awful lot of time, unless you've got willing grandparents or other relatives to help out, or tons of money for daycare and nannies, etc.

I do feel sympathy for you both, since you hooked up as basically children yourselves and haven't explored partnerships with others in ethical ways. You have time though. 30 is still very young.

That's my opinion. I am sure I didn't answer all your questions. But as others come in, maybe more of them will be addressed. in the meantime, besides the book I already recommended, try reading Opening Up. It's a how-to book for open relationships. Both are on Amazon.
 
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You know when a guy is homosexual, it means that they're into men generally. It doesn't mean Dave has a crush on Steve and Steve only. Dave is attracted to guys. Steve is a guy. And Steve being a guy forms the foundation of Dave's initial attraction. If Steve didn't exist, Dave would still be into guys. If Steve and Dave don't work out as a couple, Dave will move on and eventually be attracted to other men. That's because Dave is gay/homosexual.

To me, while it is clear that you're into two women at the moment. And I really believe you love both of them. I can't see much that says that you are polyamorous rather than just a guy that happens to have met two women who he loves with terrible timing. You don't express any philosophical objection to monogamy. It's just that you're into two women.

I think you're into your co-parent through duty. You speak about going back to her because of your fatherly obligation but then you speak of your longing for your other partner. How you miss her etc. You don't seem to possess that passion for your co-parent.

Now it's true that not all relationships need that sort of intense passion, but I think your relationship with your co-parent is meant to have that typical quality to it. I think your partner seeing you have that with someone else will not be helpful to your relationship. It won't make the home a happy place for the kids. I can't see how it will add to anyone's life. Even yours. Yes, you'll potentially have consensual access to this other woman but at the detriment of everyone's homelife.

I think the more practical approach would be to decide whether your current relationship is fulfilling and end it if it is not. Settle yourself as separated co-parents, sort childcare arrangements, and then when you're passed that, think about dating other people +/- polyamory.
 
Hello Christy,

I think you need to have another talk with your partner. You need to tell her that despite her contemptuous New Age label, you are more sure than ever that you are polyamorous, and you need her to take it more seriously. If she laughs it off again, it might be time to think about separating.

I'm sorry you are in this predicament.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think you're into your co-parent through duty. You speak about going back to her because of your fatherly obligation but then you speak of your longing for your other partner. How you miss her etc. You don't seem to possess that passion for your co-parent.

Now it's true that not all relationships need that sort of intense passion, but I think your relationship with your co-parent is meant to have that typical quality to it.
He does say he loves his long time partner "immensely," however. It's not just duty to their children, apparently, that keeps him with her. I assume they'd planned on staying together long term, since it seems the children are very young, an infant and a toddler or preschooler, according to the timeline.
I think your partner seeing you have that with someone else will not be helpful to your relationship. It won't make the home a happy place for the kids. I can't see how it will add to anyone's life. Even yours. Yes, you'll potentially have consensual access to this other woman but at the detriment of everyone's homelife.

I think the more practical approach would be to decide whether your current relationship is fulfilling and end it if it is not. Settle yourself as separated co-parents, sort childcare arrangements, and then when you're passed that, think about dating other people +/- polyamory.
 
He does say he loves his long time partner "immensely," however. It's not just duty to their children, apparently, that keeps him with her. I assume they'd planned on staying together long term, since it seems the children are very young, an infant and a toddler or preschooler, according to the timeline.

"So I decided to stop putting my romantic interests first and decided to try to rescue my relationship for my soon to be born child. I know, i know, you shouldn't be with someone for the sake of the kids but I did."

He says they're "as thick of thieves". They sound like BFFs. Not partners. He speaks about the other woman with sexual passion and desire. He speaks about his current partner like a playmate
 
I'm sorry you struggle. How about slowing down some?

So here I am today, lost for the right direction. I have told my partner how I feel about polyamory and that I have realised that's who I am. Unfortunately she casts it of as a bit of new age nonsense.

How about asking your partner if you can talk about your poly thoughts and feelings rather than go around bottled up? And not have her listen like "Oh, you are reading new age woo stuff" in a sort of dismissive way? (Was she dismissive?)

Not dating anyone, and def not pursuing the ex. But more able to express what's going on with you on the inside and taking time to educate yourself?

The only thing changing is you being able to talk more. Would partner be ok with that?

So my catch 22, I love my partner and our children but I miss my ex everyday, I can't stand the thought of not being able to bond with other people that I have connections with because society frowns upon it or because monogamy is what I signed up for, although I don't remember signing my name up. So I either carry on unhappy so I can be a present Dad and at least keep one of the people I love. Or I step out in to the world away from my partner, our kids, our animals and our family home so I can explore this side of me that needs to be free, knowing too that the other woman has moved on and me reappearing 4 years later with my tail between my legs, is most likely not going to be appreciated.

It is possible to be present as a father and be a healthy divorced and coparenting family. But once doesn't end a marriage at the snap of a finger, and preferable not when having some kind of identity crisis. SLOW DOWN.


I suppose I have come to the conclusion that I will have to leave but I don't want too! How can I get her to change her views? Can I change her views? Is that controlling of me? Can I change my views somehow?

I think this is stages of grief -- bargaining stage. Which I get, and it's normal. You are processing a lot. But you can't make her change her views. There's nothing wrong with monogamy. There's nothing wrong with polyamory, or any other thing. Each person gets to pick what they like best for their own self.

If my partner falling for that other man and realising she still loved me was not enough for her to see that she may even benefit from a poly relationship, then what could I ever do to convince her?

Why does she need to be convinced?

So if you ended up incompatible over time... you can avoid thinking about a break up?

It may be she had that experience and decided not to pursue it and is fine letting it go. I'm not trying to be unkind. Just saying... slow down. You sound like you have a lot of whirlwind thoughts going on right now. Think about what is actually best for you. Not what lets you "have it all and not change too much."

You might think of it like ok, good, better, best. All things you can deal with, but not ONLY thinking about the ideal. YKWIM?
 
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