Newbie

[Magdlyn]

They have a strong emotional bond and that’s what he doesn’t wanna give up.

Fair.

She’s pretty much convinced him I’m controlling him cuz he has a hard time with his ADD and remembering stuff and so I have to remind him or help with scheduling.

Does he not agree that having you help him with his to-do lists is beneficial to his life in general? He just allows her to tell him that is you being controlling?

Is he reporting all your words to her and all her words back to you? That's sloppy hinge behavior.

We are being monogamous. Maybe in the future we will open back up, but we have a lot to figure out how to be open before we can….

So he has agreed to stop seeing her, and for you to also not try to date others for now, until you both do more reading and research into how to practice healthy polyamory and do your work in counseling?

 

[dingedheart]

You said you pitched the idea of opening up because of the age gap. I took that to mean maybe there’s some sexual longevity/stamina issues or age-related erectile issues, whatever, whatever.

When you pitched this, was your husband on board and excited to be open, or was he reluctant and dreading all of this? You say it took him a few months to find this woman. I’m not saying he couldn’t have a genuine bond and connection with this woman, but could it also be possible he grabbed onto someone he knew would make it harder for you? Is he clever enough to do that? Just sayin,' if you dragged him kicking and screaming into an open relationship, and he spent 2 months being rejected, the genital herpes thing could make more sense. She's a slick-talking poly therapist. OMG, dream come true. He gets to pour his heart out.

 

[Roxygirl]

Does he not agree that having you help him with his to-do lists is beneficial to his life in general? He just allows her to tell him that is you being controlling?

Is he reporting all your words to her and all her words back to you? That's sloppy hinge behavior.

So he has agreed to stop seeing her, and for you to also not try to date others for now, until you both do more reading and research into how to practice healthy polyamory and do your work in counseling?

We are too new. He didn’t know how to be a good hinge. And yes, basically till we feel secure in our marriage with counseling.

 

[Roxygirl]

You said you pitched the idea of opening up because of the age gap. I took that to mean maybe there’s some sexually longevity/stamina issues or age-related erectile issues, whatever, whatever. When you pitched this was your husband on board and excited to be open or was he reluctant and dreading all of this? You say it took him a few months to find this woman. I’m not saying he couldn’t have a genuine bond and connection with this woman, but could it also be possible he grabbed on to someone he knew would make it harder for you? Is he clever enough to do that? Just sayin,' if you dragged him kicking and screaming into an open relationship and he spent 2 months being rejected, the genital herpes thing could make more sense. She's a slick-talking poly therapist. OMG. dream come true. HE GETS TO POUR his heart out.

Hahaha um not he was reluctant to start I had options right from the start and they died off cuz it was just sex. And yes like 3 months of dating sites. And she was not a poly therapist I guess, just a regular one. Yes age gap=sex issues. But I shouldn’t have opened just for that reason. I should have done everything else first, that I could have, then asked to open the relationship….

 

[Roxygirl]

Update! So now she’s dying, and her husband contacted my husband to tell him. So she respected the no talking for 6 months. However, at the start of this, my needs were: please do not talk to her for six months, and if you can’t do that, then I’m going to leave with the kids. So he agreed to that, with the counselor, on the phone, and it’s only been maybe two weeks and he gets told that by her husband that she’s not doing well.

Now he wants to talk to her, and says that if I don’t let them talk and she dies, that he’s going to resent and hate me for the rest of his life. So I’m not really sure what to do. I am looking for advice. My counselor says that I need to stick to my consequence if he talks to her that I’m gonna leave. He feels that that’s me controlling him and threatening him to get what I want. He also then tells me that our relationship is now permanently changed, and he is going to show me that he’s angry that I will not let them talk for the next 5 1/2 months until they’re able to talk again, as well.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Roxygirl,

Thank you for posting that update. That is sad that she is apparently on her death bed, but maybe in a way it's karma. Unless she's just saying that and it's really not true. I suppose you could make an exception and let him talk to her on the phone one time, but only one time and after that he has to stop talking to her for six months. It sounds like he is only refraining under duress from talking to her, like he is looking for ways to get back at you for making him do that. I'm not sure your marriage can be saved, unless you want it to be a marriage that is full of resentment and hate. I'm very sorry that this is happening to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Roxygirl]

Thank you for posting that update. That is sad that she is apparently on her death bed, but maybe, in a way, it's karma. Unless she's just saying that and it's really not true. I suppose you could make an exception and let him talk to her on the phone one time, but only one time. After that, he has to stop talking to her for six months. It sounds like he is only refraining under duress from talking to her, like he is looking for ways to get back at you for making him do that. I'm not sure your marriage can be saved, unless you want it to be a marriage that is full of resentment and hate.

I even asked him like if he could find a compromise, like 20 minutes a week, and he can’t even try to say, oh, maybe if you let me do this like once a week, or, you know one time a day, or something. He won’t do that. It’s like all or nothing. Yeah, I think you might be right, but I don’t think it’s going to be saved. I’m very grateful for your advice.

 

[Roxygirl]

I ended up texting her to make sure that she was really telling the truth. I don’t know that she will die, but she has bad heart issue that her husband texted my husband about. I’m not really sure what’s happening. I basically told her that I needed to know what was going on, because it would influence my decision on whether or not I stayed with my husband. hopefully she’ll respond and be an adult about it, rather than be unreceptive.

 

[kdt26417]

That's a really bad situation. I'm sorry he's not willing to compromise, I can't see this working out if he continues to be "all or nothing." And then, for you to be in a position where you have to hope she'll be receptive. That's not fair to you.

 

[Roxygirl]

I wish he could understand this. It makes me want to open the relationship back up so I can find someone, just give up and cohabitate with him, like, legally separate, but still live with him, for the kids' sake. Is that a bad idea?

 

[GalaGirl]

She’s dying. She respected the no talking for 6 months. However, at the start of this my needs were please do not talk to her for six months, and if you can’t do that, then I’m going to leave with the kids. So he agreed to that. It’s only been two weeks and he gets told that she’s not doing well.

It is unfortunate she is dying.

Now he wants to talk to her and says that if I don’t let them talk and she dies that he’s going to resent and hate me for the rest of his life. My counselor says that I need to stick to my consequence, if he talks to her, I’m gonna leave.

Not to be ghoulish or anything, but her being dead kinda solves some of the things in the bigger picture, doesn't it?

You might make an exception to the "no talking for 6 months" so he can do a goodbye call. Then go right back to the "no talking" agreement.

My counselor says that I need to stick to my consequence, if he talks to her I’m gonna leave.

Your counselor has no sympathy for death? Or do they mean, "There's always gonna be SOMETHING, so don't bend with every breeze"?

He feels that that’s me controlling him and threatening him to get what I want. He also then tells me that our relationship is now permanently changed, and he is going to show me that he’s angry that I will not let them talk for the next 5 1/2 months until they’re able to talk again as well.

He's acting like a baby, imo, and making you be the mommy. "You won't let me" this and that, "Wah! You big meanie!" as children do when the mom won't let them eat all the candy.

He's also sounding "revenge-y." He won't even try to negotiate with you.

You are not controlling him. They can go ahead and talk NOW. However it is he wants.

Just that if he chooses this, then you prefer to take the kids and separate. You can have a personal boundary for yourself. That you don't want to live with him while he's involved with her. So you don't.

What was the purpose of this no talking for 6 mos thing anyway?

Is it better to just say "Forget it. Let's just go to trial separation. You talk and date whoever you want on your side. I do same on on my side. We see in counseling if we can reconcile or if this needs to part ways. The other people aren't part of what's going on in this marriage anyway."

Not sure why you texted her.

• If she's dying, she doesn't need drama from you. She wanted to talk to him, not you.
• If she's making up shit and roped her husband into doing her dirty work for her, you don't need her drama.

Legally separate but live with him for the kids' sake…

He can't even compromise on this phone thing. He wants revenge. You really want him doing revenge things with the chores or home routines or kid care, if you legally separate, but still live together?

What is the great benefit you think the kids get from the two arguing parents being under one roof?

You could just reduce what you have to coordinate together to the kids, finances, and counseling appointments. Then finish the counseling to decide if it's gonna be reconciliation or divorce.

I think kids do better with stability and routines. If it is more peaceful/stable having different flats in the same apartment building, isn't that close enough to make coparenting easier, but still separate enough so you don't have to deal with him, his other dates, his sloppy hinging and oversharing, sharing chores with him, helping him with his ADD, reminding him, etc.?

His flat can be how he likes, and all his chores are over there on him.

Your flat can be how you like, and all your chores are on you.

He's 23 years older than you, and you have to parent him, when there are actual kids around who need your attention. If that is what your counselor meant, then I'm with the counselor. Follow through and separate.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Roxy,

I think it's really good that you are thinking about the welfare of the kids, however you do have to consider the example you set for them. You don't want them to grow up and subject themselves to the kind of marriage you are proposing to stay trapped in, am I right? You want to teach them to treat themselves decently, so you need to teach by example and treat yourself decently. I feel that you should put some distance between yourself and your husband, and I would not rule out divorce. I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear. I'm sorry.

With much sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[Roxygirl]

Well, unfortunate that she is dying.



Not to be ghoulish or anything but her being dead kinda solves some of the things in the bigger picture doesn't it?

You might make an exception to the "no talking for 6 mos" so he can do a goodbye call. Then go right back to the "no talking" agreement.



Your counselor has no sympathy for death?

Or do they mean "There's always gonna be SOMETHING... so don't bend with every breeze?"




To me? He's acting like a baby and making you be the mommy. "You won't let me" this and that. Like "Wah! You big meanie!" as children do when the mom won't let them eat all the candy.

He's also sounding "revenge-y." He won't even try to negotiate with you.

You are not controlling him. They can go ahead and talk NOW. However it is he wants.

Just that if he chooses this, then you prefer to take the kids and separate. You can have a personal boundary for yourself. That you don't want to live with him while he's involved with her. So you don't.

What was the purpose of this no talking for 6 mos thing anyway?

Is it better to just say "Forget it. Let's just go to trial separation. You talk and date whoever you want on your side. I do same on on my side. We see in counseling if we can reconcile or if this needs to part ways. The other people aren't part of what's going on in this marriage anyway."

Not sure why you texted her.

• If she's dying, she doesn't need drama from you. She wanted to talk to him, not you.
• If she's making up shit and roped her husband into doing her dirty work for her? You don't need her drama.

He can't even compromise on this PHONE thing and he wants to go revenge-y. You really want him doing revenge-y things with the chores or home routines or kid care if you legally separate but still live together?

What is the great benefit you think the kids get from the two arguing parents being under one roof?

Could just reduce what you have to coordinate together to the kids, finances, and counseling appointments. Then finish the counseling to decide if it's gonna be reconciliation or final divorce.

I think kids do better with stability and routines. If it is more peaceful/stable having different flats in the same apartment building isn't that close enough to make coparenting easier but still separate enough so you don't have to deal with him, his other dates, his sloppy hinging and oversharing, sharing chores with him, helping him with his ADD, reminding him, etc.?

His flat can be how he likes and all those chores are over there are on him.

Your flat can be how you like and all those chores are over here are on you.

He's 23 years older than you and you have to be parenting HIM? When there's actual kids around who need your attention?

If THAT is what your counselor meant -- then I'm with the counselor. Follow thru and separate.

GG

She has compassion but she not actually dying she just got some bad test results I guess but I mentioned that to my husband and he still says he wants to talk to her and I said.” When’s she’s on her death bed then I’ll let u talk but till then no” and now he’s getting mad. And ya there’s more to the kid thing but it’s private… and living in the same house is the only option i currently have to be able to see my kids. Legal issues if I separate I can’t see my kid (with him) my 9 year old I have full custody of. So I’m stuck.

 

[Roxygirl]

Hi Roxy,

I think it's really good that you are thinking about the welfare of the kids, however you do have to consider the example you set for them. You don't want them to grow up and subject themselves to the kind of marriage you are proposing to stay trapped in, am I right? You want to teach them to treat themselves decently, so you need to teach by example and treat yourself decently. I feel that you should put some distance between yourself and your husband, and I would not rule out divorce. I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear. I'm sorry.

With much sympathy,
Kevin T.

No I agree but plz read the reply I sent to the below person. I really don’t have a choice…it’s see my baby boy (16months) or don’t…

 

[GalaGirl]

Let me repeat back what I understand.

You have full custody of the 9 year old. He's the stepdad, not the dad.

But the shared child you two had together? The child is 16 mos old. If you separate and live somewhere else, he will try to block you from seeing the toddler? Or there's some kind of other issue that gives him full custody of the toddler? (You don't have to say what the issue is online.)

Is that it?

I think you could talk to a lawyer.

 

[Roxygirl]

Let me repeat back what I understand.

You have full custody of the 9 year old. He's the stepdad, not the dad.

But the shared child you two had together? The child is 16 mos old. If you separate and live somewhere else, he will try to block you from seeing the toddler? Or there's some kind of other issue that gives him full custody of the toddler? (You don't have to say what the issue is online.)

Is that it?

I think you could talk to a lawyer.

Yes issue he would get full custody and the 9 year old is his stepson. And he wouldn’t block me the courts would. And it’s what my lawyer told me

 

[Jrakk]

Hi,

So my husband and I are about 9 months into poly. I started out with 2 partners, but one was just sex and the other was just play, no sex. I wanted an emotional connection…

My husband couldn’t find anyone for a few months. He then found this lady that is a counselor. They are the same age. I’m 23 years younger than my husband.

I found a partner that fit everything I needed and then out of nowhere, after strong bonding emotionally, he said he couldn’t date. He had personal issues.

Now my husband has found this lady partner and she has HSV2. I’m clean. She always tries to counsel our relationship.

She wants to see him more. We agreed to every other weekend and now he wants more time with her.

I’m scared to sleep with my husband in fear I will get HSV2 and guys I’ve told about my husband's partner run away. As a result, I can’t find a partner. So I’ve given up. But im jealous that my husband has a partner and I don’t. We have kids and our relationship isn’t working well, yet he still asked for 2 weekends in a row.

I'm so lost… I'm hoping I can find some advice here! Thanks y’all for listening.

My fiancé and I dealt with our first and only experience so far kinda like that…without the HSV2 part. I found someone who I could “connect” and the fiancé was looking. Then I lost my due to her own issues. The fiancé found her connection right before and I had such a hard time finding another “date” but yet she wanted to continue to go. That alone added so much stress and complications for her and I. It’s stressful and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

 

[Roxygirl]

Omg he just came home after counseling and said “I value our relationship over a friendship” WTF? I don’t believe him at all. I moved into the spare room I told him I was done…(I don’t want to be but I’m tired of this back n forth) and he thinks I’m bluffing. I told him if he ACTUALLY vale’s it then he has ALOT to prove and show me. Is this wrong to think like this?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

So you wanted to open the relationship, the guy found someone and now you want to close it? You do sound controlling.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think this whole situation is too much for internet people to help. You have a lot of layers going on and not like just 1 or 2 problems.

So I think taking a time out with you in the spare room is a good time. Slow some of this down.

Stop all this back and forth talking. It is stressful for both.

Decide to only discuss relationship issues with the therapist present at your appointments. What you each can do is write things down in a notebook as it comes up, but not get deep into it with each other. Esp if it leads to arguments, circle conversations, etc. That is not productive. Instead take the notebook with you to therapy.

Could also get a second opinion on the child custody thing.