Tried Polyamory but feel it’s not for me

A

Af91

New member
hey everyone, me and my wife have opened our marriage last October, 2022.( both me and my wife were both fully mono with the impression it was just us no one else involved in our marriage and relationship that started in 2017) We met a couple right from the start and have been seeing them consistently since then. It was exciting of course the first couple of times with impression it was a swinging dynamic not poly. As time went on there was a lot of pressure from the couple and my wife to speed up from being sceptical of the hole poly thing. I felt I couldn’t have feelings for someone else besides my wife and I would be pretty heart broken if my wife did have feelings for another man. This was communicated a lot. So speed up a bit I get through a lot of ensecurities by going to therapy and communicating with my wife and the couple. The past 8 months have been a lot of work for me. I had to so call “water the relationship” with the couples wife. It’s become alot of work that I really don’t want to do honestly. Now my wife has had it pretty easy and natural for her with the husband. No pressure, no expectations for there relationship. In that respect I’ve struggled with the fact that he and her have become a bit of a priority for my wife in my eyes the way I see it.

We have had alot of struggles in our marriage due to this poly relationship. I did express to her last night I’m not happy anymore. Her responce is to break it off and she’s hurt and what not. Obviously there’s alot of relief from her responce on wanting to break it off. But then the guilt of robbing her of happiness. I’m not sure what to really do anymore at this point. I’ve always wanted to swing I never wanted a poly relationship. Or at least givin time to ease into it. Every time we see them we would swap our relationships for the night witch was uncomfortable. We’re supposed to go on a trip to AC soon with them but honestly I’m scared to death of the hole trip to the point I’m ready to cancel at least me going.
 
Af91 said:
Hey everyone,
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Hi. Welcome to the board.

Let me see if I understand your issues.

My wife and I opened our marriage last October, 2022. We were both fully mono with the impression it was just us, no one else involved in our marriage. Our relationship started in 2017.
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We met a couple right from the start and have been seeing them consistently since then.
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So, even though you were married and both vowed to be monogamous, you decided to open your marriage (to swinging) and met a couple and decided to spouse swap. It was supposed to be casual, FWBs at most.

Let's give people nicknames for clarity. Your wife: Beth. Her bf: Steve. His wife: June.

It was exciting, of course, the first couple of times. The impression was a swinging dynamic, not poly. As time went on, there was a lot of pressure from the couple and Beth [for me] to speed up from being skeptical of the whole poly thing. But I couldn’t have feelings for someone else besides Beth and I would be pretty heartbroken if Beth did have feelings for Steve.
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So you are heartbroken because Beth does have feelings for Steve.

So you have continued to have sex with June for half a year or more, despite not loving her or really being attracted to her much after the first couple times? Why would you do this? Just to please Beth?

This was communicated a lot. So speed up a bit, I get through a lot of insecurities by going to therapy and communicating with Beth and the other couple. The past 8 months have been a lot of work for me. I had to so-call “water the relationship” with June.
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I don't know what you mean by "water the relationship." Maybe English is your second language. Can you explain?

It’s become a lot of work that I really don’t want to do, honestly.
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That is quite understandable. I don't even know how you can get it up for June if you're not into it. I don't understand why a therapist would encourage you to go against your own nature and desires like this!

Beth has had it pretty easy and natural with Steve. No pressure, no expectations for their relationship. In that respect, I’ve struggled with the fact that they have become a bit of a priority for her.
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Well, yeah. If they love each other and desire each other, that's great for them. There is no reason for you to perform with June if you don't feel a spark! That's just self-abuse. Maybe you think things need to be "equal." That if June isn't getting sex from you she will tell Steve he can't have Beth? Is that it?
Af91 said:
We have had a lot of struggles in our marriage due to this poly relationship. I did express to her last night I’m not happy anymore. Her response was to break it off and she’s hurt and whatnot.
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Why did she break it off with Steve just because you're not into June? Can't she continue to see him even if you don't keep fucking June? That's swinger mentality, but it seems there is love between Beth and Steve, so it's actually polyamory, and the rules are different for poly. Most often, couples date separately. You could still be poly/open and go and get another gf for whom you actually have desire, fond feelings, maybe even love. But if you can't imagine loving another woman besides your wife, you can stay monogamous and Beth can continue to date Steve. June can decide what she wants to do on her end.
Af91 said:
Obviously, [I feel] a lot of relief from her response, wanting to break it off. But then there's the guilt of robbing her of happiness. I’m not sure what to really do anymore at this point. I’ve always wanted to swing. I never wanted a poly relationship. Or at least be given time to ease into it.
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Well, you've had eight months to ease into it and it didn't happen. But that might be because you were trying to force yourself to be with June when you just don't really feel right about it.
Af91 said:
Every time we see them we would swap our relationships for the night, which was uncomfortable [for me]. We’re supposed to go on a trip to AC soon with them but honestly I’m scared to death of the whole trip, to the point I’m ready to cancel at least me going.
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You should cancel. Maybe just Steve and Beth should go away. You and June could hang out platonically, if you'd like that, or each go do your separate things, see other friends. Or maybe for now, no one should go until you get all this "is it swinging/swapping or is it polyamory?" stuff better worked out. It seems to me your therapist let you down. Or maybe you couldn't face your true feelings, that you're only fucking June to please Beth! That's just not right, my dude. Can you see that?
 
Let me recommend the book Opening Up. It covers both swinging and polyamory and talks about the differences.
 
I apreciatte your feed back. To clarify yes I’ve never been into June really. Beth and Steve have had mutual attractions. With the hole relationship stuff I was never into Beth seeing Steve as a “poly relationship or anything more then swinging”. I have continued to go with the flow with june as much as possible and yea I struggle with getting it up with june probably cause of this. I’m not ok in the slightest bit of Beth and Steve going on a weekend trip to AC. And to be honest I am not ok with my wife loving another man. I’m sorry if this comes across nasty I don’t intend it to be.

We never really talked about being Poly and I’m not ok with it if I’m being honest. And also yes I’ve been going along with june so Beth is happy. When I have tried to break it off with june, it’s a packaged deal from my understanding so Steve and Beth broke it off that time.
 
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I think you could start honoring what YOU want to be doing and pay more attention to your own well-being.

Cancel this trip.

Stop dating June/sharing sex with June. You did not have to "water that relationship" just so Beth and Steve could get together.

This therapy thing -- were you HONEST with the therapist about not reallying wanting to do this? Or were you trying to get on board with the party line at that time?

We have had alot of struggles in our marriage due to this poly relationship. I did express to her last night I’m not happy anymore. Her responce is to break it off and she’s hurt and what not. Obviously there’s alot of relief from her responce on wanting to break it off. But then the guilt of robbing her of happiness.
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Beth seems willing to drop the whole thing. So drop the whole thing. You aren't "robbing her" of her happiness. She got to have the experience.

Now she is making her own next choice.

If you see a counselor of your own, you might want to talk to them about everything that happened. And then this enmeshment thing you have with Beth. You seem all people pleaser without a good sense of self.

"I wanna keep Beth happy" or "I don't want to spoil it for Beth/the group" led to all this other "go with the flow" stuff that you didn't really want to be doing.

You have to STOP doing that -- putting other people ahead of your basic needs. Why is it ok to do self neglect?

Would have been a LOT simpler if from the start you say "I'm up for casual swinging only, I don't want any polyamory."

Yeah, maybe that would have been hard to say or for others to hear. But kicking the can down the road just to come back to the same convo? At least then it would have been one load of discomfort instead of the original load plus all this other bonus load.

Are you conflict avoidant? Feel responsible for everyone else's feelings? Something else?
 
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GalaGirl said:
I think you could start honoring what YOU want to be doing and pay more attention to your own well-being.

Cancel this trip.

Stop dating June/sharing sex with June. You did not have to "water that relationship" just so Beth and Steve could get together.

This therapy thing -- were you HONEST with the therapist about not reallying wanting to do this? Or were you trying to get on board with the party line at that time?



Beth seems willing to drop the whole thing. So drop the whole thing. You aren't "robbing her" of her happiness. She got to have the experience.

Now she is making her own next choice.

If you see a counselor of your own, you might want to talk to them about everything that happened. And then this enmeshment thing you have with Beth. You seem all people pleaser without a good sense of self.

"I wanna keep Beth happy" or "I don't want to spoil it for Beth/the group" led to all this other "go with the flow" stuff that you didn't really want to be doing.

You have to STOP doing that -- putting other people ahead of your basic needs. Why is it ok to do self neglect?

Would have been a LOT simpler if from the start you say "I'm up for casual swinging only, I don't want any polyamory."

Yeah, maybe that would have been hard to say or for others to hear. But kicking the can down the road just to come back to the same convo? At least then it would have been one load of discomfort instead of the original load plus all this other bonus load.

Are you conflict avoidant? Feel responsible for everyone else's feelings? Something else?
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Your Def. On the money with me being a people pleaser and also feel responsible for everyone else’s feelings. I do feel that Beth has been really understanding. She told me tonight she is ready to end it it’s better then moving forward and hurting our marriage
 
She told me tonight she is ready to end it it’s better then moving forward and hurting our marriage
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Well, get through one thing at a time then.

But later down?

I invite you to reflect if this "people pleaser thing" actually helps or hurts you, Beth, and the marriage.

Same with "feeling responsible for everyone else's feelings."

How can she know you give "real" answers to things or are just doing "fake yes people pleaser?" How does this help/hurt trust in the marriage?

How can you become more able to be more honest? Give you space in this marriage for YOUR true feelings?
 
Do you have space in this marriage to fully express your true feelings and be heard/seen by Beth?

Or do you hide them/stuff them down/minimize them because you are so busy people pleasing and trying to manage other people feelings? And Beth never realizes/does not ask what might be going on with you?
 
Hello Af91,

It sounds like you want a marriage that is sexually open, but you do not want the emotional involvements that polyamory entails. Or at least, if you were going to try polyamory, you would need time to ease into the idea, whereas this couple and your wife pressured you into trying polyamory all at once.

This is a little off-topic, but with regards to your trip to AC, what does AC stand for? I assume it is an abbreviation.

I think it would probably be best to admit (to Beth for starters) what all is going on with you about this situation. That you aren't really into June, that you have just been "watering that relationship" to please Beth. And that you feel that polyamory is not for you, you would prefer swinging, or at least that you need more time to ease into polyamory. And that it hurts you to know that she has feelings for Steve (that she is in love with him).

I think you have told Beth at least part of what I mentioned in the above paragraph, and Beth's response is that she is willing to (and will?) break up with Steve. It hurts Beth to contemplate doing this, but it is really Beth's choice, I don't think you are trying to force her into anything.

At some point I think you are going to have to admit to June, that you aren't really into her, that you wouldn't want to have feelings for her, and that you and she should probably break up. You have had interactions with her that weren't entirely honest.

I see that you are in a difficult situation, and that there's no easy way out. I think you would be okay with Beth having an interaction with someone that was strictly physical (swinging), but you are not okay with Beth having feelings for someone (polyamory). Something has to give, unless you are going to divorce (which is actually a valid option that you should consider).

I hope we are helping you with this problem.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey thanks for your advice! Also AC stands for Atlantic City. As far as considering divorce idk why that would even be an option just kind of curiosue if you could elaborate on that one?
 
Ah -- Atlantic City -- that makes sense.

I would consider divorce an option if Beth was unwilling to give up polyamory (and perhaps unwilling to break up with Steve), and you were unwilling to let Beth be polyamorous. Then the two of you would be at loggerheads about it, and divorce would be the only way to settle the issue. Or if you told Beth to not break up with Steve, but yet you couldn't stand knowing Beth was still with Steve. Divorce might then be the only way to resolve the issue in your own mind. Hopefully that makes sense.
 
Af91 said:
Yea it does make sense thanks! I mean I hope it doesn’t come to that hahaha
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It's not really funny, is it, to consider divorce? You are monogamous, or at best, might swing, as long as there was a guarantee of feelings not being involved. But here we are. Your wife loves you and she loves Steve. She is polyamorous. So, you have a major disconnect in love styles right there. This does not bode well for a happy marriage.

Even if Beth broke up with Steve to "save your marriage," she would be as heartbroken to give him up as you are heartbroken knowing she already loves him. She wouldn't stop loving him just because she felt forced to break up with him. He'd be gone, but she'd be sad, she might resent you and begin to love you less; she might even fall into full-blown clinical depression.

In other words, you can't close the barn door after the horse has already escaped.

When my ex husband and I first opened our marriage, I thought we were going to try doing sex-only threesomes with this female friend we met. Instead, he fell in love with her, she fell in love with him, and all she wanted from me was platonic friendship (at best-- she actually resented me being married to the man she loved). I fell into clinical depression when I realized my husband loved her and was head over heels in NRE for her. We had a veto in place; I used it; he broke up with her, but he kept loving her, and he resented me and fell out of love with me. Eventually we divorced and he went back to that woman. (That all began in 1999. We split in 2008 and divorced in 2011. He went back to her right after we separated and they are still a couple. I am happily bisexual and polyamorous.)

Since your wife is polyamorous, the only solution I see is to respect that and consent to her being her authentic self and continuing to date Steve (or any other person she wants). You can remain monogamous, or you can get on a swingers site to find women who just want casual sexual hookups. Or, you can divorce, if you don't want to remain married to a polyamorous woman.
 
Hey sorry if it came off as I was loughing as a joke it was more of a nervous hahaha.

And yea I see what your saying some decisions are gonna have to be made
 
I know you are caught in a predicament. I wish I knew of some easy answers.
 
Hey AF. WELCOME TO THE FORUM.

You say through working with a therapist you got rid of some insecurities and blocks to open/ENM. Maybe you need to go back and work on your issues with poly.

Unfortunately, your situation of a swinging quad morphing into an unbalanced poly situation is pretty standard stuff. Have you reflected on if poly isn’t for you, or because of the unbalanced nature of the quad, poly isn’t right for you? If you had the hots for June, wouldn't this be a different story?

I don’t think anyone is going to be happy long term going back to monogamy….can’t unring those bells. Not long term, anyway. I think you need to bow out of the quad, stop taking one for the team and find someone you have a natural easy attraction to. Separate and not be part of a group or committee.
 
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