Broken rule #1

S

sassiebgassi

New member
So, my husband and I entered a poly relationship with a woman 11 months ago. The #1 rule was nothing below the waist unless all were present or encounter previously agreed upon by all. She lived with us, had her own room. We fully supported her.
My husband, 5 months in, accused her and I of breaking the #1 rule. It wasn't true.
A month ago, I was informed by her, that they had had sex, oral and genital. This happened while I was in the next room, incapacitated by a migraine.
(Important to me here, it was kept from me for almost 2 weeks.)
We all agreed after that, the triad was over. No more romantic and deep intimate relationship.
3 days later, she climbed into bed with me when he was not home and she was half naked. I kicked her out of our bed and our room. Within a week she was asked to work on finding a new place to live. She crossed more boundaries and very quickly it became apparent that she was looking to divide and conquer.
Now, he seems to be distant from me.
Husband and I have been together for 20 years. This is the first live in poly ever. Advice?
Thoughts?
Wth?
Help?
 
sassiebgassi said:
My husband and I entered a poly relationship with a woman 11 months ago. We have been together 20 years and this is our first "poly live-in" situation.
Click to expand...
One of my first rules is no living together until at least one year of regular dating has passed. So I would call that the first mistake.
sassiebgassi said:
The #1 rule was nothing below the waist unless all were present or encounter previously agreed upon by all.
Click to expand...
Does that mean you and your husband couldn't have sexual intimacy unless your shared gf was also present? There was never to be any sex unless all three were involved? Or did you and he share a bed and have sex any time you wanted, one-on-one? (That would be a bad case of couple privilege.)
sassiebgassi said:
She lived with us, had her own room.
Click to expand...
I am glad she had her own room.
sassiebgassi said:
We fully supported her.
Click to expand...
What does this mean? Financially? Emotionally? Spiritually? Sexually? Something else?
sassiebgassi said:
My husband, 5 months in, accused her and me of breaking the #1 rule. It wasn't true.
Click to expand...
OK, it sounds like he had jealousy despite your #1 rule. Why was that? He was insecure. The rule didn't help.
sassiebgassi said:
A month ago, I was informed by her that they had had sex, oral and genital. This happened while I was in the next room, incapacitated by a migraine.
(Important to me here is that it was kept from me for almost 2 weeks.) We all agreed after that, the triad was over. No more romantic and deep intimate relationship.
Click to expand...
Most triads work best if each dyad is allowed to develop at its own rate. That means one-on-one dates and sex between the original couple, and between the other 2 dyads.

You and husband
You and gf
Husband and gf

Then you can all also work on your threesome dynamic, both emotional/social and sexual.
sassiebgassi said:
3 days later, she climbed into bed with me when he was not home and she was half naked. I kicked her out of our bed and our room. Within a week she was asked to work on finding a new place to live. She crossed more boundaries and very quickly it became apparent that she was looking to divide and conquer.
Click to expand...
OK. Maybe triads are not the best configuration for you. Successful triads are extremely rare, so you are not alone. You can do a search here for the term and see everyone else having the same fantasies, hope and dreams, and making the same dreadful mistakes.
sassiebgassi said:
Now, he seems to be distant from me.
Click to expand...
He is probably grieving the end of his relationship with her. That would be only natural. Are you grieving as well?

What have you learned from this so far?
 
The #1 rule was nothing below the waist unless all were present or the encounter previously agreed upon by all.
Click to expand...

I apologize. I didn't read this rule carefully. It sounds like one-on-one sex was allowed, but only if the 2 that wanted sex asked the third person first. This seems to limit spontaneity. It sounds like the time you had a migraine, maybe you were resting deeply or sleeping and they probably didn't want to disturb you. Or maybe they thought they'd be unkind to have sexual fun and bonding while you were suffering? And so they got carried away and just felt guilt after the fact?

Was there indeed plenty of one-on-one sex always done with permission of the third person who wasn't in the mood? So this rule always worked except for the one slip-up when you had the migraine?

When you say "divide and conquer," do you mean the gf wanted just you for herself? Or just your husband for herself? Whom was she conquering?
 
Hello sassiebgassi,

There is some question as to how much you can trust your husband. Can you trust him to decline her efforts to divide and conquer? You already know you can't trust him to abide by the #1 rule. This raises the question of whether you even want to be with this man. Yes you have been with him for twenty years, but is this a side of his personality that you never knew of until now? the side that he is dishonest/dishonorable. Maybe you deserve better than that.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello sassiebgassi,

There is some question as to how much you can trust your husband. Can you trust him to decline her efforts to divide and conquer? You already know you can't trust him to abide by the #1 rule. This raises the question of whether you even want to be with this man. Yes you have been with him for twenty years, but is this a side of his personality that you never knew of until now? the side that he is dishonest/dishonorable. Maybe you deserve better than that.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
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Kevin, with all due respect, this seems a bit harsh, coming from you. They made an unreasonable rule and hubby and gf broke it in the heat of the moment while sassie was in bed with a migraine. This doesn't sound to me like an unforgiveable breach of trust worth divorcing and ending a 20 year relationship.
 
Magdlyn said:
Kevin, with all due respect, this seems a bit harsh, coming from you. They made an unreasonable rule and hubby and gf broke it in the heat of the moment while sassie was in bed with a migraine. This doesn't sound to me like an unforgiveable breach of trust worth divorcing and ending a 20 year relationship.
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Well it is if having total control and superiority over other relationships is important to you. It's like when you trust a dog off the lead but they decide to not come back when you recall them. You go back to a long leash until they do as they're told every time
 
Magdlyn said:
One of my first rules is no living together until at least one year of regular dating has passed. So I would call that the first mistake.

Does that mean you and your husband couldn't have sexual intimacy unless your shared gf was also present? There was never to be any sex unless all three were involved? Or did you and he share a bed and have sex any time you wanted, one-on-one? (That would be a bad case of couple privilege.)

I am glad she had her own room.

What does this mean? Financially? Emotionally? Spiritually? Sexually? Something else?

OK, it sounds like he had jealousy despite your #1 rule. Why was that? He was insecure. The rule didn't help.

Most triads work best if each dyad is allowed to develop at its own rate. That means one-on-one dates and sex between the original couple, and between the other 2 dyads.

You and husband
You and gf
Husband and gf

Then you can all also work on your threesome dynamic, both emotional/social and sexual.

OK. Maybe triads are not the best configuration for you. Successful triads are extremely rare, so you are not alone. You can do a search here for the term and see everyone else having the same fantasies, hope and dreams, and making the same dreadful mistakes.

He is probably grieving the end of his relationship with her. That would be only natural. Are you grieving as well?

What have you learned from this so far?
Click to expand...
We supported her financially, emotionally, sexually. No sex without all, which began after 6 months. Aside from date night between my husband and me. She turned out to have a serious drug problem which we suspected some time ago and it confirmed through conversation with her. We tried to get her more help, but she doesn't want it. I'm heartbroken over all of it. However I am a jaded ol broad and have flipped the switch (best I can) and only talk about the whole thing in therapy. I can only assume he is grieving and feeling remorse. He is insecure, he had a tough life growing up and in early relationships. He and I are starting couples therapy.
 
Plus we suspect she may be selling herself, if you get my meaning. And he did not use protection so now I have to go to the dr and get tests.
 
sassiebgassi said:
We supported her financially, emotionally, sexually.
Click to expand...
You took a (homeless?) person into your home who didn't have a job and had sex with her, imposed rules on her that you two yourselves didn't have to follow.
sassiebgassi said:
No sex without all, which began after 6 months, aside from date night between my husband and me.
Click to expand...
Why say "at all" when you had a loophole of "date night"? Was that weekly? Did you have a one-on-one "date night" with gf? Did hubs have a one-on-one "date night" with gf? Why did you and hubs get a date night for just the two of you, including sex, when she didn't get that privilege? It seems only fair.

In a triad, each dyad needs its own particular attention to thrive and grow--

You and hubs
You and gf
Hubs and gf

As well as nurturing the threeway dynamic.
sassiebgassi said:
She turned out to have a serious drug problem, which we suspected some time ago, and it has been confirmed through a conversation with her. We tried to get her more help, but she doesn't want it. I'm heartbroken over all of it. However I am a jaded ol' broad and have flipped the switch (best I can) and only talk about the whole thing in therapy. I can only assume he is grieving and feeling remorse. He is insecure. He had a tough life growing up and in early relationships. He and I are starting couples therapy.
Click to expand...
I'm glad you're starting couples therapy.

Plus we suspect she may be selling herself, if you get my meaning.
Click to expand...

She is selling her body to get the drugs.

And he did not use protection, so now I have to go to the dr and get tests.
Click to expand...

That's a bigger problem, imo, than them slipping up and having sex one time without your permission.

Your experience is a great example of how not to do a triad. I am sure others will learn and benefit from your mistakes. Thanks for sharing.
 
NO!!!! She works. She had a place prior to coming here. We all had rules, some of which SHE suggested, the date night thing she suggested. Wth. No
 
sassiebgassi said:
We had separate date nights, built separate connections with one one intimacy, aside from sex, between each angle of the tri.
Click to expand...

Magdlyn said:
Why say "at all" when you had a loophole of "date night
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My husband and I were the primary relationship, our individual relationships with her were secondary, all agreed with this before sex ever happened. 20 years, you think I'm going to just swoop that aside?
 
kdt26417 said:
There is some question as to how much you can trust your husband
Click to expand...
It's more complicated than that. We have opened up much more since all this happened. She has attempted further divide and conquer, and we are working hard to move forward together. 20 uears and one instance of infidelity. Ty for your thoughts. I appreciate your kindness
 
I'm sorry this happened.

The only thing I can suggest is maybe don't live with people people so soon? No supporting a dating partner financially this soon either. Slow waaaaay down.

And maybe don't date the same person? That adds complications.

Now, he seems to be distant from me.
Husband and I have been together for 20 years. This is the first live in poly ever. Advice?
Thoughts?
Click to expand...

FWIW? I think he might be shutting down from the stress.

However I am a jaded ol broad and have flipped the switch (best I can) and only talk about the whole thing in therapy. I can only assume he is grieving and feeling remorse. He is insecure, he had a tough life growing up and in early relationships. He and I are starting couples therapy.
Click to expand...

Plus we suspect she may be selling herself, if you get my meaning. And he did not use protection so now I have to go to the dr and get tests.
Click to expand...

Y'all broke up and asked her to move out. Then with these additional bits? That's a lot of things happening for him in a short time.

You seem more able to adjust than him maybe? And can limit talking about all this in therapy so it doesn't take over your whole life?

He might not have those skills yet.

Probably good that you both are getting sex health labs done. Might need follow up labs too.

Probably good that you both are starting couple therapy.

He might also consider individual therapy if he needs more support.

Galagirl
 
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