Struggling to breathe

S

Seekinganswer

New member
Hi,

I found this site after frantically looking for answers about our situation. I'm 37, married 12 years to Steve, 41. We have two kids (8 and 11). Two weeks ago, I found out that Steve had an affair with another woman for nine months. The other woman, Merida, 25, was an employee working with both of us as Steve's assistant. I have always had a funny feeling that he was attracted to Merida, but he often brushed it off and assured me that he loved me and would never betray me.

After I found out about the affair, he said he felt relieved that it was out in the open and he could finally tell me how tortured he has been the past months. The reason he had the affair was that he developed a strong feeling for Merida, which he could not explain, while at the same time continuing to love me.

According to him, she had a strong effect on him on a spiritual plane, with a kind of "pure" energy that revitalises and calms him. Just by touching her, he would feel a current running through him to his very core.

This really devastated me. I thought perhaps I did not have a right to deny him this chance at having such a relationship. I thought about leaving him so that he could enjoy this with her, but he insists that polyamory will only work for him if I am with him. He would like me to share his experiences with him. He does not want not go out on his own with a partner. I asked him if he was happy with her, because if he truly was, I would let him be. He said he was tortured the whole time he was with her, because he could not share this with me, and that leaving him would bring him back to Misery Lane.

Sharing this experience with me was important for him. He said it would enrich our marriage and take us to another level. Unfortunately, apart from discussions of polyamory as a fantasy for the better part of the year, he never owned up to what he was doing behind my back, because he did not want to hurt me. In the meantime, he did lots of soul searching and research on the internet. Steve is convinced that he is one of those people who can love two women at the same time. He has therefore come out as polyamorous.

I am just trying to come to terms with the affair and the gutting pain of betrayal. Now Steve has suggested that we should use this as a healing for our marriage, by him continuing to see the same person with whom he cheated.

I have heard that people do transition from cheating to polyamory, so I am looking for help with this. I am feeling pressured and cornered, and I told him so. Instead of trying to repair the damage caused by the affair, we are introducing changes to it at its weakest time. He says it's important to make a decision now, because he is afraid his affair partner will move on. I feel like his concern is less with helping me heal and more with finding resolution with Merida.

He says that we should give it a try and spend time together, her and me, so that I too can experience this energy. According to him, Merida is the one person who can complement us. In fact, he said we complement each other very well. However, if I am not willing to accept her, he will, for my sake, bury this and stay with me.

How can I consider this step at a time when my emotions are so mangled and trust in our marriage is zero? How can I start thinking about sharing our life with the same person who has been sneaking around with my husband for nine months, who I tried to comfort during her depression, unbeknown to me that her affair with my husband was the cause of her depression?

I know the solution is not to bury the poly discussion, but rather find a solution that can work out for both of us. I have tried to ask my husband for time to heal before we take this step, but he will not listen. I am still struggling with mind movies of their affair. He says I should try and use the experience to heal myself and us. I don't know if my mono mind will open up someday and accept this. But I need this time to sort my mind out after the affair. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning, and it's hard to breathe.

I am sorry for the long post, but I need some advice, please.
 
Hello and welcome. The long post is fine. I believe there is a 10,000 word limit per post.

There's not a lot of relationship-specific advice I can give, but I can say a couple of things.

You seem to be doing what works for you: reading, researching, asking questions, self and relationship examination. Continue to do so.

I highly recommend www.xeromag.com. It is a totally awesome site.

Tell Steve, repeatedly if necessary, that you need time to do your own research and come to your own conclusions. He's had nine months to do so. You deserve the same sort of time.

Any relationship should go at the speed of the slowest person in it. Right now, that person is you. You have a lot of things to wrap your brain around.
 
Your feelings are valid, and in my opinion, he should not be pressuring you to make such an important decision so rapidly. This has all come as a big shock to you. You need time to absorb it, research it, and come to your own conclusions. He should not be using the other woman potentially moving on as a means to coerce you into something you aren't ready for.

Take care of yourself first.
 
Yes, what Fitchick said.

Do me a favour, and remind him how 'unpoly' it is to pressure the ones you love. ;)

Are you ready for some bluntness? This will be blunt, but I deliver it with a warm hand.

I haven`t ever seen a poly relationship that starts out with cheating end up in a 'happily ever after,' not if it`s with the person they cheated with.

It appears to be a uphill battle. Polyamory is an enormous retooling of everything we have been taught. It is difficult, even if you are prepared and on the up-and-up. People walking into this fairly, with all parties living in truth, will still have a rollercoaster ride. I can`t see how a relationship built on a fair distribution of rights overcomes the shock of being cheated on, and learn to be poly simultaneously.

Those that cheat first have to take a step back and fix their existing relationship, fix that hole in their primary relationship that allowed for an affair in the first place. Then, worry about the poly one. Real love will always be there, some way, somehow.

A lot of cheaters fall in love, and are terrified of losing their loved ones. They get determined to keep both relationships. They are prepared to move heaven and hell, do anything, to avoid losing one or the other. The problem is, you can throw as much water into a bucket as you want, but if there is even a small hole in the bucket, all that beautiful water will drain away.

The flip-side is none of us ever know until we try. It might be a necessary pain of life to try, against the odds, or otherwise forever wonder. I am not sure, but that could very well be the case.

Back to you. Don`t be afraid to ask for what you need, the time to heal, in your own positive way. Your spouse may be a excellent spouse in every other way. Your spouse may have moved mountains for you at various points in life. That said, your spouse is fibbing to himself, when he says that he lied to you in order to protect you.

Lying and cheating are always cowardly, whether they are done for grandiose reasons or not. It`s the cowards way out of dealing with a tough reality. Hurt is a part of life. Wanting to 'protect' your spouse may be natural, but treating someone you love with true respect is of the utmost importance.

So, that said, make sure Steve is ready to get real with you, before you agree to open up to anything. Right now you are confused and overwhelmed. It might feel 'nicer' to just agree so that the horrible nightmare passes. Don't force yourself to get past something you aren`t ready to. It will surely bite you in the ass later on if you do.

Keep reading. Knowledge is power.

If there are people on this forum who started out cheating, and stayed long term, happily ever after, with both their spouse and their co-cheater, please give the OP some positive examples.
 
You have gotten some good advice and support, so far. I think you are on the right track, finding out as much as you can and staying on top of what is going on for you. I hope you and Steve are doing the searching and learning together. Perhaps he would like to chime in at some point.

There is a lot on here about cheating and affairs. If you do a search you will find a lot of information about what happens for people in their marriages or relationships, and beyond, when an affair happens. I hate to say it, but I agree with SJ-- not a good outcome, usually.

And Steve hasn't made a good start in the healing process, it seems. He is being selfish and uncaring. He has not empathized with you and what you might be feeling. He has not considered anyone but himself, not even this woman that he has this "energy" with. She is in this too, and he is assuming that he can just paste the two of you together.

I have spent years of work getting to where I am in poly relationships... It just doesn't happen like that for intelligent, emotional animals such as humans.

The only thing at this point that he has going for him is that he has finally been honest. Now he has nine months to make up for that.

The trust you had in him is likely gone forever, and he is worried about losing this woman?! Wow.... wake up call. He could very well lose you if he doesn't get busy and start doing the work necessary to begin healing.

I agree, you could use this to make your relationship happy and healthy again, but I think that he needs to back right up to a time before he decided to cross the line, and be at arm's length from her for a time until you are comfortable, if ever. IMO, that should be the result of his actions and what I would suggest. His face and heart having been going in her direction. A firm set of boundaries might just bring him around... as much as he will hate that. :) As far as I'm concerned, if he wants your trust, he will go with whatever boundaries you have and do it willingly and humbly.

I know I sound firm in this, but really, having read peoples stories on here for 18 months, and experienced my stuff in my own checkered past, I think he should not be encouraged to lie around in that "energy" one moment longer. He should get back on track with fixing what he and she have broken. Maybe, if he is lucky, he will be able to have her in his life also, some day...

You have every right to be angry, hurt, broken-hearted and devastated. He has broken a huge commitment. And if that weren't bad enough, he is trying to rationalize it and make it out to be a thing of beauty. What would've been a thing of beauty would've been bonding with you over being honest about his feelings when you asked him. He didn't, and now he has lost his integrity by being dishonest, disrespectful, and not communicating.

The three foundations of what poly is about are honesty, communication and respect. How about he gets on board with that with you, so that you can trust him again?

Trust is not a given or a right. It is earned. And he lost the right to your trust now. It is not a given that you will just move over for Merida. She has to earn your trust also. She cheated with him. Who cares about the "energy"? That is all lovely, but it has nothing to do with you, and isn't based in reality. The reality is that they fucked up by giving in to it for nine months. Now it is bad energy, if you ask me, and will take you going at the pace that you want to make it good again.

I'm sorry he is hurt and having a hard time, but it's not his time. He had that, or rather, took it. it's time to get back on track with his commitment to you.

These are my thoughts.
 
I just wanted to say you're not alone. There are several people on this forum who have gone through the exact same thing. I'm sure you'll hear from some of them soon.

In my opinion, Steve isn't being very respectful or thoughtful of you right now, and I can see why you feel his concern is more about Merida than about you. It may be that he has constructed a fantasy in his mind that you will adjust easily to this betrayal of trust, and be happy to transition smoothly to poly. He certainly sounds impatient, and afraid of losing his new love. He needs to recognize how much love, attention and reassurance you need from him, if there is any chance of this working out.

You sound like you're in so much pain. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there!
 
Hello! It's true you are not alone. I am in the same situation. Even the ages of all involved are similar! I don't have much time to write now, but wanted to give you the link to the thread I posted when I first joined, because the responses were so very helpful to me, and they might be to you too.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3653&highlight=brand+hurting

It's not clear in my first post, but their affair went on for many months before I was told anything. This kind of betrayal hurts, and will take a long time to heal, and is actually separate from the issue of whether or not I/you can accept a polyamorous relationship.

I think you absolutely can use this crisis to heal any preexisting problems in your marriage. That is what has happened with us, and we are stronger and closer than ever now. But it has to go at your pace, slow!

I'm also wondering, how close are you with Merida. Is she already a friend? Becoming close friends with my husband's girlfriend, and talking with her openly about the whole situation, has been really helpful to me and gone a long way towards me opening to the possibility of making this work.
 
I think if you all work really hard at it, you might get over it. But he needs to realise that it's not going to be easy for you to trust him again after he betrayed your trust for so long. He needs to realise how disrespectful of you he was, and take responsibility for it, rather than play the victim-- "It was so hard for me!" (Cry me a river. :rolleyes:)

I think he should be more afraid of rushing and ruining everything than of Merida moving on. Not to mention, maybe she is fine with being a mistress, but wouldn't be fine with being in a polyamorous relationship.

Does he know where she stands?
Does she know that you know?
 
*hugs*

Like Rachelina, I am in almost the exact same situation. The only difference is that his current girlfriend is not the first occasion of cheating, and we've already been down that road. But this time around, it's all fairly fresh with me, as well. I've only known for 3 weeks.

That being said, I have been supported in the most amazing way here. I've been given things to think about, in ways I hadn't approached them before, and have felt lifted and supported over a very rough 24 hours this past weekend.

Like Rachelina, here is a link to my original post: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3953

At the end is another link to a new thread on the blog pages.

I completely understand the feelings you're going through-- the sense of betrayal, of not being heard, of needing time to process. And like you, I've felt like I've been steamrolled and offered some hard choices. I have done a LOT of thinking and processing, and pretty much every bit of it is here.

What's been most helpful to me is that by coming here, I've finally felt that I am not alone, and that is valuable beyond measure.

Please know that you are not alone either. I wish I had more words of wisdom for you. Right now I'm walking this same path, and trying to figure it out for myself. Read and research, certainly. I have been doing that a lot, and it's been insightful and helpful. But also, try to leave some space to just be, to take things moment by moment, and to create a space for you to simply breathe.

Holding you in my heart...
 
SNeacail said:
You might want to check out this blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2713
Click to expand...

How odd to see my blog used as an example. 😛

I have to say though, I disagree that it can't work. Cricket and Karma had an affair for almost the same amount of time before I found out. It's been a rough go, and if you read through the ton of posts on my blog, you'll follow my rollercoaster of emotions through the whole thing.

Karma being impatient; me feeling rushed; Karma being patient; me feeling bad for taking so long to heal; Cricket and me not getting along-- there's a lot there.

It took a lot of work on all our parts, and a lot of help from others on here, to get us to where we are.

I don't think we're a success story... yet. But we're working it out.

Communicating and having patience are my best advice. Know yourself, heal yourself. That has to be priority for this to work at all. You need to know if this is something you can handle or not.

I think it was easier for us because we were already discussing polyamory before Cricket came along. I was already prepared for poly love somewhat, just not the affair and the pain that came from it.

You both have to be committed to solving the problems and wounds this has caused. And honestly if Merida is going to walk away because she can't be bothered to give you time to heal, let her walk.

Cricket stuck it out. She was there when I badmouthed her. She was there when I was condescending. She was there when I said they could only spend time together if I was there. She was there when things I thought I were okay with turned out to be things I couldn't handle.

She wanted this to work just as much as we did, and did whatever I needed to make that easier for me. We wouldn't be where we are now without patience on all sides, and flat-out honest communication. You have to feel safe to express whatever you are thinking and feeling, and so does he.

Once Karma and I had that, it was so much easier. We spent night after night addressing this fear and that concern.

I am one of those women who will say that my husband's affair was the best thing that happened to us. I am grateful to Cricket and Karma. Sure, it would have been easier had they been honest from the beginning, but we would have never dealt with the root problems and wouldn't be anywhere near where we are now.

With all that said, there is nothing wrong if this isn't for you, if you can't handle it. But do yourself a favor, and don't obsess over it. That was the worst thing I did. I overanalyzed and it was constantly on my mind. I eventually was going backwards, because I got myself so turned around in all the worrying.

The easy way is to end things with her and the two of you work out your marriage. But the hard way can be successful.

Feel free to PM if you have any questions or want to know more. :)
 
Hey Seekinganswers,

Sorry I'm a little late spotting your thread. I hope you are still around, reading and learning.

After reading your post, a couple thoughts came to me. First, because it hurts the most, the revelation about cheating. Trust is such a fragile thing. We like to think we can trust the people we love, and who love us, in any and all situations. I guess I don't believe that. There are probably cases where it's true, but I haven't personally come across one (or many) yet.

But here's the thing I want to zero in on regarding this. Affairs and cheating have always happened. But why? There are a variety of answers, but implicit in them all is the underlying fact that we're raised in a culture where deep connections to more than one person (in a romantic or sexual manner) are taboo. It's an unrealistic taboo, unsupportable for a very significant portion of the species. But instead of having it out on the table for learning and discussion from the beginning, we put blinders on and pretend it's really not that way. And then, BOOM!

Hopefully in the future it will be otherwise. The emergence of polyamory into the mainstream offers some hope, I think. But in any case, I would only advise you to take this history into consideration. More than likely, he proceeded the way he did because it was the only thing he knew. Was it right? Of course not. But we make all kinds of bad decisions out of a lack of information. Give the devil his due.

Moving on. The reasons Steve offered for pursuing his connection with Merida are potentially very real. The universe is funny. We sometimes to come into contact with people that seem to have something special that we need to understand. Often we aren't even looking. We just turn around, and there they are, POOF!

This type of thing doesn't get a lot of press, maybe because there can be beautiful and special things surrounding it, and only the bad drama gets talked about. So accept the fact that this may be one of those. But wait and see. Time teaches us a lot.

Whatever the case, you need to understand it changes nothing about the connection between you two. Repeat 100 times. :) Unless of course one or both of you makes it change by overreacting to either the NRE, the curiosity, jealousy, etc.

I'd try to take a step back, dispense with any preconceived notions and take a look with an unbiased set of eyes. That's hard, I know, after this breach of trust. But it's the only real path with heart. Start fresh, assume nothing, and move forward from there based on what you see in front of you, not what's behind.

There is something special in here for you too, even though it may be clouded for the moment. Believe that and watch for it. It may not show up in a day, or a week, or maybe even a year. But it will sprout.

I know others said they had not personally seen any success stories born of cheating, but I can vouch for several, my own included. And maybe the most important fact is that if you go through this together, it's almost certain that that cheating will never be an option for the future. It's like measles. Once you survive it, you never have to worry about it again, if treated properly the first time. It can be a blessing in disguise sometimes.

Keep us posted. :)
 
Thanks all for your kind support.

GS, I am so glad to be here and will be here for a while. It was such a relief finally reading your explanation that resonates with what Steve felt. Last night we logged on together so that he could read your replies. Knowing that there are people who have been where we are makes us feel less alone with our situation. A couple of days after that post, Steve conciously took a step back and told me to just 'be.' No more pressure, although we get tense moments when I swing from positive to negative emotions.

Rachelina: I also think that getting close to Merida will be helpful, because I feel deep down that this matter is not one to be shoved under the rug and forgotten about. It won't be difficult to work on a friendship, because she is a warm person I liked very much before the day of the affair discovery. Today we are going to meet (after three weeks of no contact) and just talk. Both Steve and I are quite nervous about it, because Merida has no idea about polyamory, or the spiritual aspect of Steve's feelings for her. It feels like jumping off a precipice.

Like most of you advised, opening up to what being less focused on the negative feelings brought on by this is helping a lot. Best of all, Steve understands that for now my mind can only handle as far as the first meeting. I will keep you posted.
 
Seekinganswer said:
@redpepper, my emotions are up and down as I wrote here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4090

Somehow my own thread is dormant so I'm responding to Steve's thread. I'd love to hear how others handled the doubt while trying to accept poly. It feels like Im just about to step off a cliff...
Click to expand...

Responding here, as this is the thread I think you thought was dormant.

I think the whole thing takes time and patience and a whole lot of reading, and searching for commonalities with others. There are a lot of great resources, most of which are mentioned on this forum if you do a search and look at things that interest you. I suggest all of you do that. Get to know the language, the values, the realities of different people's journeys. You will find, I think, that you will slowly become accustomed to acceptance, and find your place within that.

Search terms would be "metamours" and "mono/poly." I can think of a number of threads that might be useful.
 
NeonKaos just bumped this up so others could find it. Hope it helps http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4082 .

Doubt is one of those nasty words!

I have all sorts of doubts, most having to do with deep-seated stuff within my own self. I end up blogging either here or on live journal, just letting the words flow by letting go of my conscious thought process. I'm amazed sometimes by what has really been bothering me. It certainly wasn't what I thought it was.

How do I handle it? As I said, I blog it. I also talk to Breathes, once I've figured out enough of it to be able to verbalize things. He sees things in a totally different way than I do, so quite often sees an answer I don't.
 
I'd love to hear how others handled the doubt while trying to accept poly. It feels like I'm about to step off a cliff...
Click to expand...

I know, it does feel like being about to step off a cliff! I think the way to handle the doubt is to accept the doubt itself, because it is normal. You won't be able to accept polyamory overnight; it will take time. Three months ago, when I first found out about my husband's girlfriend, I thought there was no way in the world this could possibly work. Even one month ago I was very much doubting it. I still have a lot of doubts. But as time goes on, I get more and more used to the idea, and even excited about it. :) Just keep communicating with both of them and let time do the rest.
 
Can of worms or light?

@ Breathesgirl, thanks, interesting link. It made me smile today.

@Rachelina, yes, the doubts are many and often I ask myself whether our decision to move into a poly relationship will be a can of worms or light? Steve says that it really depends on my mindset. If I want to see polyamory as a can of light then that is what it will be for me. I guess patience and time will help to dispel the doubts.

The past week was testing the waters for us. I enjoyed the companionship and talks with Steve and Merida. We decided to try a weekend together, which did not go as expected. Merida was tense, wondering if I was comfortable with her presence in our home. Steve was trying to put her at ease half the time, which made me feel like a third wheel.

Where was that compersion that I felt on our first meeting? Out the window and in with the doubt again. Somehow, every affectionate gesture he made towards her made me feel like a thousand needles pricking me, and the pain enveloping my whole body brought me right back to where this all started, D-day.

The next thing is to move into flight mode to salvage what I have left. I asked myself who this warm and passionate person had become, why he had decided to reveal this side of himself now, and not before. So maybe this is what he needs to be completely happy and I have no right to keep him away from having her in his life. When this flight voice pops, fuelled by my doubt, I do not think about his reassurances or explanations. I just want to get away from all this and maybe the pain will stop.

@ redpepper: thanks for the resources. I will check them out and learn as much as I can. Perhaps more information will help me make sense of this situation and my emotions.
 
Seekinganswer said:
...............
The past week was testing the waters for us and for the better part of the week, I enjoyed the companionship and talks with S and D. We decided to try a weekend together which did not go as expected. D was tense wondering if I was comfortable with her presence in our home. S was trying to put her at ease half the time which made me feel like a third leg.Where was that compersion that I felt on our first meeting? Out the window and in with the doubt again. Somehow, every affectionate gesture S made towards D made me feel like a thousand needles pricking me and the pain enveloping my whole body bringing me right back to where this all started, d day.
Click to expand...

Hey Seekinganswers,

It's okay. Hold on. Your first trial went pretty much as expected, for most people. It's just one of the hurdles you get past, nothing more. Try not to read more into it than it deserves.

He was naturally concerned for your feelings and comfort. That's bound to raise a certain tension level. It's also natural for him (and you?) to be concerned for her comfort level. Of course he felt some ethical obligation to try to ease that with affectionate gestures.

In an ideal world, all three of you would have had a discussion prior that went something like this: "Okay, this is going to be uncomfortable for all of us this first (second, third) time. Let's understand right up front that a lot of that discomfort is going to come from old programming. Let's all commit to calling that out and fighting through it. Let's try to only acknowledge any areas of discomfort that are coming from what we see right now in front of us, not what's attached to the old paradigm."

We know these things. We just avoid verbalizing them, which is counter-productive. It's a new skill to master, but one that has a lot of uses in life in general.

Keep going. You're doing great, so far.

From a guy's perspective, I might share something about him and his reaction that might be overlooked, or difficult to verbalize. This new person, happiness level, that you sense in him, may not be as connected to her presence as you are assuming. Check with him on this. For me, and many others I know, it's really more about a sudden insight into love and relationships themselves. It's really a philosophical thing for those inclined that way. It's like there was this dream in the back of your mind about how life could operate, that everyone always told you was impossible, only to find out you were lied to.

It's hard to explain. It's a liberating type of confirmation about what our spirit has always been telling us, that society has been trying to refute. Does that make sense? It's very possibly not about her in particular at all. It's the concept. Not to diminish her particular place/role, but neither is she the sole majik component.

I hope that helps.
 
As this situation is still new to you, a weekend together just seems like too much, too fast. Stick with shorter periods, and give yourselves time to recover/regroup in between meetings.
 
GroundedSpirit said:
This new person, happiness level, that you sense in him may not be as connected to HER presence as you are assuming. Check with him on this. For myself, and many others I know, it's really more about a sudden insight into love & relationships itself. It's really a philosophical thing for those inclined that way. It's like there was this dream in the back of your mind about how life COULD operate that everyone always told you was impossible, only to find out you were lied to. It's hard to explain. It's a liberating type of confirmation maybe about what our spirit has always been telling us that society has been trying to refute. Does that make sense? It's very possibly not about her at all. It's the concept. Not to diminish her particular place/role, but neither is she the sole majik component.
Click to expand...

Actually, this does make sense, at least to me. He's suddenly found another comfortable pair of jeans and doesn't know which one to wear today.

Nearly a year ago, Breathes and I were considering a particular person as a third for us. Things didn't work out, for various reasons, but while we were considering it, everything between the two of us was suddenly more passionate, more heady, better? There was more sex, more talking, more everything. He had found someone else he was equally comfortable with, so was able to let his guard down even further.

Just take things slowly, continue talking and having fun.
 
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