mono-poly relationships, double standards, and jealousy

bija

bija

New member
Hi all,

(´♡‿♡`) My name is Jules. I'm new to this site. I'm not new to being poly, but I'm attempting to be new to doing it more skillfully and thoughtfully.

I've been giving consideration to being more intentional around how I structure my life relationally. I have a few interrelated things on my mind and am going to compile them into this one thread. I'd love to hear other's experiences and knowledge in the following terrain:

Jealousy
Big theme for me, much more so with some partners than others. It was the worst with my last partner, who repeatedly betrayed my trust. I think jealousy can be judged harshly, but I think many of you can probably relate to it being intense and very hard to be with/work with. I've had such an aversion to jealousy that it's stopped me most of my life from being poly, even though I love the freedom of intimacy of various sorts with multiple people and tend to wilt in monogamy over time.

Enter mono-poly relationships
Is only choosing this to avoid jealousy thought of as being selfish in poly community? I've talked with people who definitely immediately judged me as having double standards/being hypocritical. Part of me believes that 'selfishness' is an accurate descriptor here, while another part thinks two people can have different preferences and needs, that result in the asymmetry of this arrangement working well. Has it worked well for many of you?

Like, if one person wanted to eat an apple and another wanted two oranges, it wouldn't be unfair for the apple person to not also have an orange... i.e., fairness is not about having the same fruits! It's about everyone's varying needs being heard, valued, respected, right? Or no?

As a side note, I will add that mono-poly relationships appeal to me for other reasons, as well. For one, I tend to want more sex/intimacy than my partners. Also, even when I don't want any other partners, I simply feel so much more relaxed and at ease with people feeling I don't need constrain my sensuality. And then, variety just turns me on. It seems to nourish me sexually/energetically.

----------------------------
I've had two mono-poly relationships, both recently-- one with Roo and another with King (names changed, but energetically fitting :) ).
With Roo it was a natural fit. He didn't want other partners and was happy for me to enjoy myself. He is naturally a very non-jealous type, easygoing, generous. He only seemed to find me being with other people delightful and sexy. It kind of seemed too good to be true, but it really is just who he is. In that case, I wasn't seeking out a mono-poly relationship. I just stumbled into one, not even aware it was a thing.

With King it was a different situation. I was poly when we met, and I told him immediately that for a primary partner I was only interested in a mono-poly relationship. He said it worked for him -- and in many ways, it did. He would get jealous, but he found the jealousy a turn-on and said the challenge of confronting that part of himself was exciting. It helped him to grow and know himself more. He also genuinely did not want another partner.

However, another part of him was secretly resentful/rebellious and deeply afraid of losing me. I learned late in the game that he broke our agreements many times behind my back and would lie/conceal it every time. He didn't cheat from wanting someone else sexually. It was more like acting due to resentment of my choice to be poly.

I could intuit how much it stressed him, and asked him repeatedly if he needed me to be monogamous. He always said that things were challenging, but were working for him. But he also worried that if he said he needed monogamy I might choose polyamory over being with him. We discussed all of this openly. The potential of having to choose at some point between being with him and being poly frightened me.

So, with King, I imagine that because being in a mono-poly relationship was the only option I offered him, that he said yes just to be with me and was never actually fully on board, but then hid that fact well for quite some time. Do you all have experience with something similar? I imagine people make agreements often that are more wishful thinking than actually workable. Have you stayed in something poly that fundamentally didn't work for you in order to be with a specific partner?

Ok, that's much more than I'd planned to write!!! I hope it is interesting and beneficial to hear my thoughts and stories. I'd love to hear your ideas, related experiences, reflections. And thank you for reading. :) It feels good to share all this.

Much love,
J
 
Of course there is a massive double standard. You're essentially asking your partners to do emotional labour you're not prepared to do yourself.

But then there is the practicalities. Someone might want an apple right now, but then later they decide they want oranges too. A person might not want apples forever. Just in case that's not clear, you might find someone who is okay being mono at first, but they change their mind later after some time of being with a poly partner.

There will be a lot of people (guys especially, sorry) who will lie like King did because they think you're a bit stupid basically. Did you really think they're going to sit there twiddling their thumbs while you're out with other people? What do you have to offer multiple people who are only allowed to be with you? You spread yourself across 2 or more people, and they give their whole selves to you? Who would do that other than someone who thinks they aren't worth much more.

Yeah you could find a bunch of people with low self esteem who don't feel they could do much better than accepting their partner having other relationships while they stay monogamous. But do you want a partner who says yes because they don't believe their worthy of what they'd really want? They don't think they deserve to have multiple relationships. They think that any partner they have is going to have to see other people because of course they couldn't fulfil a person enough to not need other people.


In case it's hazy, I don't think this mono-poly relationship is a solution to your inability to deal with your partner having other partners. I think monogamy is a much more ethical choice for you.
 
As a counterpoint, twiddling their thumbs isn't the only other way someone might be mono while with a poly person. The mono person could have a rich life of hobbies or club memberships, or even a workaholic and be perfectly content with that.

But. Insisting upon monogamy from your partner is generally considered problematic.

However, you aren't the first and won't be the last person to want this configuration because they don't want to deconstruct their own sense of jealousy, core beliefs and "shadow." It would be a good time for some solo therapy to get a bit of help in identifying and overcoming why you need the double standard.

But if you really want to remain determined to have a "reverse harem" you might even find people willing to abide by that rule you impose (or even enjoy it as a kink) - although you might find these people particularly high maintenance if they don't have a full, rich life outside of your attention. In other words, be careful what you wish for.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Of course there is a massive double standard. You're essentially asking your partners to do emotional labour you're not prepared to do yourself.

But then there is the practicalities. Someone might want an apple right now, but then later they decide they want oranges too. A person might not want apples forever. Just in case that's not clear, you might find someone who is okay being mono at first, but they change their mind later after some time of being with a poly partner.

There will be a lot of people (guys especially, sorry) who will lie like King did because they think you're a bit stupid, basically. Did you really think they're going to sit there twiddling their thumbs while you're out with other people? What do you have to offer multiple people who are only allowed to be with you? You spread yourself across 2 or more people, and they give their whole selves to you? Who would do that, other than someone who thinks they aren't worth much more?

Yeah, you could find a bunch of people with low self esteem, who don't feel they could do much better than accepting their partner having other relationships while they stay monogamous. But do you want a partner who says yes because they don't believe they're worthy of what they'd really want? They don't think they deserve to have multiple relationships. They think that any partner they have is going to have to see other people because, of course, they couldn't fulfil a person enough to not need other people.

In case that's hazy, I don't think this mono-poly relationship is a solution to your inability to deal with your partner having other partners. I think monogamy is a much more ethical choice for you.
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Thank you, Seasoned. I appreciate the honesty of that.

Very true, I don't want someone who is compromising/complying due to low self-esteem. I guess my hope is there are more people out there like Roo, for whom their partner being poly just isn't a particularly big emotional challenge. Maybe that's unrealistic. It sounds like you think as much. There could be other appeal as well for someone like Roo; they may like that there isn't the pressure to meet all of someone's needs.

Monogamy doesn't seem attractive right now, but then, maybe it would if I was into someone.

I do think I could be solo poly without my emotions getting the better of me. Ironically, in my happiest relationship I was with a man 4 years who lived the entire time with his primary partner while I was monogamous with him.

An important piece I didn't address in the initial post (because it's a whole other very complicated topic) is that my work is intimate. I see clients for erotic/tantric bodywork. Beyond my client work, I didn't have other partners while with King. We were otherwise monogamous by design. Still, I do see this as a version of mono/poly, because he had to process so much around the intimacy of my work. In some ways, it was just as if my clients were other partners. In certain ways clients, are very much like other partners, though the boundaries and intention are very different. I don't know how others would categorize that scenario.

Any partner would have to emotionally contend with how my work impacts them (and thus impacts our relationship), so, I'm also considering if I need to choose between the work I do and other intimate relationships, especially if I want a monogamous partner. I would more likely choose my work and to be single.

This needs a whole other post. I just wanted to add it here because, in missing this info, I felt the initial post wasn't quite accurate.
 
Evie said:
As a counterpoint, twiddling their thumbs isn't the only other way someone might be mono while with a poly person. The mono person could have a rich life of hobbies or club memberships, or even be a workaholic and perfectly content with that.

Insisting upon monogamy from your partner is generally considered problematic. However, you aren't the first and won't be the last person to want this configuration because they don't want to deconstruct their own sense of jealousy, core beliefs and "shadow." It would be a good time for some solo therapy to get a bit of help in identifying and overcoming why you need the double standard.

But if you really want to remain determined to have a "reverse harem," you might even find people willing to abide by that rule you impose (or even enjoy it as a kink), although you might find these people particularly high maintenance if they don't have a full, rich life outside of your attention. In other words, be careful what you wish for.
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Thank you, Evie. You shared multiple things that are really helpful for me. 'Insisting on monogamy' as one, as opposed to stating a preference, or naming my fears? (Essentially, the fear that my emotions around a partner's new love will be intolerable, will undermine my sense of safety and thus destroy a good thing.)

I am in therapy actually, and do think it will change how I am with partners. It's already helped a bunch, actually. I'm going to contemplate around identifying/overcoming why I am wanting the double standard. The short answer could be: feeling a need for both safety and freedom. Deep to that "safety" seeming like it sure does need a lot of specifics sometimes! "Someone leaving because another person is more deserving of love"-- idk, all the embarrassingly cliché and childish beliefs that I'd love to be above. :)

I don't want a harem. I do want want to be able to do my work that I love, which is tantric/erotic massage. You have me wondering though, if that isn't kind of a harem of clients. 🤔 In a way, it is. Beyond my client practice, I think I can be happily monogamous, but then I do not think my work life keeps me in the "monogamous" category.
 
Food for thought...you can create fully polyamorous relationships where all people experience the sense of both safety and freedom.

Or you could approach your romantic relationships as monogamous. Your work can be considered just that... work. It doesn't exclude you from monogamy in your personal life, so long as that partner is supportive of your work (without being possessive of it). It comes down to finding the right romantic partner, one who doesn't feel the need to go tit for tat. Perhaps you should have some conversations with erotic massage colleagues or even full-service sex workers about their monogamous relationships and how they balance work and home life.
 
Hello Jules.
Welcome to our forum.
You bring up important points about poly.

Re: jealousy ... there is a widespread misconception that jealous people can't be poly. The truth is, almost every polyamorist has felt jealous at one time or another. Jealousy is not something to be feared, it is something to be studied, analyzed, and managed. I've seen cases where it was obvious the jealousy was actually a warning bell, signifying some bad treatment that the jealous person was receiving. Not all jealousy is bad. No jealousy is to be run from.

Re: mono/poly relationships ... are certainly a challenge, but they are not inherently bad or unhealthy. Everyone who enters a mono/poly relationships has their own reasons for doing so. As long as the arrangement works for everyone involved, there's not a problem. You have your reasons and that is fine.

In any case I think you need to do some soul-searching ... about why you need mono/poly and about whether that model serves you well. Perhaps there is some kind of deep-seated fear that you will feel jealous if your partners have other partners. That would be something to examine.

Here are some tools for dealing with jealousy:
I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Evie said:
As a counterpoint, twiddling their thumbs isn't the only other way someone might be mono while with a poly person. The mono person could have a rich life of hobbies or club memberships, or even a workaholic and be perfectly content with that.
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IRL, probably 90% or more of the "mono" guys with poly female partners I've known were found to be cheating and/or replaced their partner with a new one they sourced through newer exploration into poly.

I don't know why they seem to prefer to deceive about it, even in a situation where they could theoretically just be openly poly, but it seems to be the way they go. Maybe they feel resentful for the "shame" of having a female partner who is openly "humilating" them by having multiple partners. More so if they are out about it to others. It is almost as if the cheating and replacement is sort of revenge for feeling like they had no choice but to tolerate their partner being poly in front of them.

I do know 2 guys currently who are monogamous to a female poly partner, but I have to say I'd never be surprised to hear they did have some sort of liaisons they keep secret. Especially with one guy, my guess is that he has casual sex with other men, if anything. And that would definitely be a no-go with his wife, so it would be behind her back.

So yeah, this is why I think it's pretty unrealistic to think someone's going to be okay twiddling their thumbs over the long term, particularly a guy.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
so yeah, this is why I think it's pretty unrealistic to think someone's going to be okay twiddling their thumbs over the long term. Particularly a guy.
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Yep. I watched that happen with a close friend of mine. To be fair, there were some serious mismatches and acrimony (and no small amount of trauma from a family tragedy, neurological health, and mental health issues). But what started as a cuckolding relationship, that he was totally into, eventually morphed into her having one boyfriend and him having three additional partners. It took years, and the conversions they went through look successful from the outside, but I also get to hear how other parts of their relationship(s) have glaring garden-variety fault lines. I love them both dearly, as I was there for their family tragedy. I would classify them as generally more open than poly, but hey, there's still a lot of love there.

The only mono-poly situation I've ever heard actually work flawlessly is a highly-sexual female friend with her asexual husband. As rare as that sounds, it works well for them because he gives absolutely no shits.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
IRL, probably 90% or more of the "mono" guys with poly female partners I've known were found to be cheating and/or replaced their partner with a new one they sourced through newer exploration into poly.

I don't know why they seem to prefer to deceive about it, even in a situation where they could theoretically just be openly poly, but it seems to be the way they go. Maybe they feel resentful for the "shame" of having a female partner who is openly "humilating" them by having multiple partners. More so if they are out about it to others. It is almost as if the cheating and replacement is sort of revenge for feeling like they had no choice but to tolerate their partner being poly in front of them.

I do know 2 guys currently who are monogamous to a female poly partner, but I have to say I'd never be surprised to hear they did have some sort of liaisons they keep secret. Especially with one guy, my guess is that he has casual sex with other men, if anything. And that would definitely be a no-go with his wife, so it would be behind her back.

So yeah, this is why I think it's pretty unrealistic to think someone's going to be okay twiddling their thumbs over the long term, particularly a guy.
Click to expand...
It's really interesting to hear that you've known such a high percentage of men to cheat in that situation. It does make sense that, for the men, it could be experienced as fundamentally emasculating in this culture or in general. That puts me off to trying at mono-poly with a man more than anything else said here.

I'm also very financially successful, and the link between men cheating and female partners who make more than their male partners has been studied. I believe I read that it's the single factor most consistently linked to men cheating on female partners. One reason for it is that that situation is emasculating and the man wants to regain his sense of power, or that the man has a need to feel needed and his wealthy/independent partner may not seem to 'need him.' I'm mentioning this because I notice that both of the same criteria are happening here. The woman could be perceived as more resourced in terms of sex/love, and having other people meeting these needs will make her need him less.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Jules.
Welcome to our forum.
You bring up important points about poly.

Re: jealousy ... there is a widespread misconception that jealous people can't be poly. The truth is, almost every polyamorist has felt jealous at one time or another. Jealousy is not something to be feared, it is something to be studied, analyzed, and managed. I've seen cases where it was obvious the jealousy was actually a warning bell, signifying some bad treatment that the jealous person was receiving. Not all jealousy is bad. No jealousy is to be run from.

Re: mono/poly relationships ... are certainly a challenge, but they are not inherently bad or unhealthy. Everyone who enters a mono/poly relationships has their own reasons for doing so. As long as the arrangement works for everyone involved, there's not a problem. You have your reasons and that is fine.

In any case I think you need to do some soul-searching ... about why you need mono/poly and about whether that model serves you well. Perhaps there is some kind of deep-seated fear that you will feel jealous if your partners have other partners. That would be something to examine.

Here are some tools for dealing with jealousy:
I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T
Click to expand...
Hi Kevin,

Thank you for the welcome, thought, and articles.

Reading all the replies, the truth is, I don't know that I do need mono-poly. I do want to continue with erotic massage.

I may have been so jealous with former partners because they were also lying and there were big trust issues. Recently a partner told me he was moving back in with his ex and would only be available to me in very limited ways. I didn't feel much jealousy-- maybe it was the honesty of it. What I felt was a lot of grief/ sadness instead.

I will read some of the articles. Maybe I can make headway in terms of both being more okay with jealousy and learning to dial it down. As it stands currently, it feels so bad to me that I find it corrosive to the relationship as a whole. But then, the 3 relationships I can think of where that kind of jealousy was happening were all with people who lied to me/cheated on me, so it was linked to mistrust and being disrespected.
 
Blaincorrous said:
Yep. I watched that happen with a close friend of mine. To be fair, there are some serious mismatches and acrimony (and no small amount of trauma from a family tragedy, neurological health, and mental health issues). But what started as a cuckolding relationship that he was totally into eventually morphed into her one boyfriend and him having three additional partners. It took years. The conversions they went through look successful from the outside, but I also get to hear how other parts of their relationship(s) have glaring garden-variety fault lines. I love them both dearly, as I was there for their family tragedy. I would classify them as generally more open than poly. But hey, there's still a lot of love there.

The only mono-poly situation I've ever heard actually work flawlessly is a highly-sexual female friend with her asexual husband. As rare as that sounds, it works well for them because he gives absolutely no shits.
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I might like an asexual husband 🤔 or an asexual wife. Really, at home, I care much more about snuggles and companionship than I do about sex. That doesn't seem like something one could easily arrange by design though. Google thinks asexuals are 1% of the population. I'm similarly highly sexual and have often felt quite down in monogamy when partners are less interested.
 
ref2018 said:
You can just say you're a sex worker here. You don't have to try to make it sound like something glorified.
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My work actually does feel sacred to me, and the connections and moments that happen are often beautiful. Do you want me to make it sound mundane? Is it a problem for you that I feel good about it, or that I want to differentiate the work I do from prostitution, or is it simply uninteresting?
 
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SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I think it's a little concerning that you think your work with clients means you're not monogamous. There has to be some form of consent for a professional service to be construed as a romantic and/or sexual relationship.
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It's a confusing gray area for me. I'm sure this is a topic I don't really understand fully, and don't understand how it's viewed in the poly community or by potential partners.
 
bija said:
I might like an asexual husband 🤔 or an asexual wife. Really, at home, I care much more about snuggles and companionship than I do about sex. It doesn't seem like something one could easily arrange by design, though. Google thinks asexuals are 1% of the population. I'm similarly highly sexual and have often felt quite down in monogamy when partners are less interested.
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That sometimes happens by virtue of attachment style mismatches. Avoidant-dismissive attachers do reach out for companionship and often find anxious-preoccupied attachers that are easy, low drama, and easily malleable to their limited needs. I would know. I was easy, low drama, and easily malleable anxious-preoccupied attacher to my asexual wife. ;) Now, we get to have fun working that out in therapy. :ROFLMAO:

If you find someone guarded like that that you can crack open and show them not to be afraid of sharing their inner self, they might be amenable to companionship and snuggles at home. Or you could develop a poly-affective or poly-platonic relationship to nest with them. Just keep an eye out for their needs. Some avoidant-dismissives can turn downright anxious when they feel like sharing themselves wasn't worth it. It's a tricky balancing act.
 
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Hi Jules,

It sounds like most of your experiences with jealousy, have been when your partner was mistreating you, especially when they were lying to you. In a case like that, you should feel jealous. Some toxic relationships are best walked away from, but it is not easy to do that. At the least you should tell the toxic partner that you will not tolerate bad treatment from them.

Kind regards,
Kevin T.
 
bija said:
my work actually does feel sacred to me and the connections / moments that happen are often beautiful. do you want me to make it sound mundane? is it a problem for you that i feel good about it? or that i want to differentiate the work i do from prostitution? or is it simply uninteresting?
Click to expand...
Having sex with clients for money = "sex work". I never said it couldn't be beautiful. You are a *beautiful* sex worker.
 
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