Question for those in a monogamous relationship when ENM was first floated as an idea

F

Fogul

Member
If you were already married or in a committed monogamous relationship when one partner first raised the idea of some form of ethical non-monogamy, I’ve got a couple of questions for you.

If you were the one who raised it, before raising it, were you afraid that even voicing the idea would feel like a kind of betrayal to your SO?

If/when you did raise it, did they at first feel it as a betrayal?

(Recognising that this is probably not a representative group and those for whom it was a bad experience are probably not hanging out here) after honest and open discussion, did they still feel that way?

If your SO was the one to raise it, how did you feel at first and how did those feelings develop?

Thanks.
 
Hi Fogul,

My current partner (Snowbunny) was married to my current metamour (Brother-Husband) when she and I fell in love. She did some research and found out about polyamory, then raised the topic with him. I don't think he saw it as a betrayal, but he was far from ready to consent to the idea in the beginning. She revisited the topic with him once every week or two, and after about a year he was ready to consent to it. I don't know what special wisdom there is in this story for you, but hopefully it answers your basic question. We have had a solid V for many years since then, and are still going strong.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
My wife (Cookie) confessed that she had developed feelings for her best friend (Pumpkin)
I was shocked and really struggled for a couple months. I considered divorce because the concept of monogamy was so deeply ingrained in me. Coming to terms with the fact that my wife is bisexual is still difficult for me sometimes. I struggle with how strong their feelings are for each other. It's been three or months since we started going ahead with a relationship so it's still a bit new.
 
My husband and I started dating in high school. During a normal conversation about fantasies and such, we both admitted that we thought lifelong monogamy would be at best impractical and at worst impossible. We started out swinging as a couple then being more sexually open before learning more about nonmonogamy and polyamory. We have been fully open about as long as we've been legally married.
 
Adam (husband) and I spent some time before and after our wedding as monogamous, courtesy of NRE mainly, but around two and a half years after the wedding, around mid 2016, and with some generally shitty life circumstances, I was desperately missing my fwbs (and one who had drifted came back into my life) and I started the conversation. I don't believe Adam ever felt betrayed by me doing that, but it did take him some time to be really comfortable with "sharing" his now wife. That mono programming does run deep. It was a slow opening up, sometimes slow enough that it was doing my head in and we'd fight a bit, but we got to a comfortable place in the end.
 
When Idealist approached me, I had a mono partner of three years. It was extra hard on him because I fell for Idealist head over heals. And, while for me the polyamorous philosophy made a lot of sense (at least intellectually - I never ended up having multiple partners, at least not for more then a few weeks, and it shook my belief and value system deeply as well) to my partner it did’t appeal at all. The relationship not only didn't survive, also, the break up was dragged out, nasty and taxing for both of our mental health. We were young and just at the phase of relating when NRE ends and neither of us wanted to agree that the incompatibility was too big, so we both tried to accomodate and hurt ourselves in the process.
 
I was the one who raised it and my partner just said "as long as I get to do it too." Then it was like a year or two before either one of us actually did anything with anyone else.
 
Fogul said:
If you were already married or in a committed monogamous relationship when one partner first raised the idea of some form of ethical non-monogamy, I’ve got a couple of questions for you.

If you were the one who raised it, before raising it, were you afraid that even voicing the idea would feel like a kind of betrayal to your SO?

If/when you did raise it, did they at first feel it as a betrayal?

(Recognising that this is probably not a representative group and those for whom it was a bad experience are probably not hanging out here) after honest and open discussion, did they still feel that way?

If your SO was the one to raise it, how did you feel at first and how did those feelings develop?

Thanks.
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I am the monogamist who was on the receiving end of the conversation. Growing up, anything different from monogamy was considered "weird."

When that topic was brought up it was terrible for me. I had/have so many emotions and insecurities that I didn't have to deal with until polyamory came into the light, and this is an ongoing battle.

Open, honest discussions with my partner have really helped. We are still working through things, and I am genuinely very curious, but while talking is good, it's just that, talking. I am absolutely scared/terrified about when reality will hit and it becomes actual actions. Just the hypothetical thought is enough to trigger a panic attack, at the moment.

While my partner has quite a large group of friends she can talk to about this subject, I, on the other hand, do not have a single person to confide in or chat to openly to about polyamory, and that's what brought me to this forum.
 
Fogul said:
If you were already married or in a committed monogamous relationship when one partner first raised the idea of some form of ethical non-monogamy, I’ve got a couple of questions for you.

If you were the one who raised it, before raising it, were you afraid that even voicing the idea would feel like a kind of betrayal to your SO?

If/when you did raise it, did they at first feel it as a betrayal?

(Recognising that this is probably not a representative group and those for whom it was a bad experience are probably not hanging out here) after honest and open discussion, did they still feel that way?

If your SO was the one to raise it, how did you feel at first and how did those feelings develop?

Thanks.
Click to expand...
Hello~ I'm new to this site, so forgive me if I'm vague.

I was the one who brought it up. At the time I was still learning a lot about myself, since I'd only just escaped my abusive family. Still though, it came after bf admitted he had trauma about it. I was afraid of mentioning it for months, because what his exes did sounded similar to what I wanted. He was not happy about it. Years later, we are still discussing it. Although he's much more calm and understanding than he was years ago, I feel like we're avoiding an important part of the discussion. I don't know how to bring it up without hurting us again.
 
Another thing to consider is the social life of your relationship with your SO. Do you both have separate friends you each spend time with? Do you ever go away for a non-sexual weekend/holiday without each other (golf, besties, etc)? Do you pursue different interests? This can make a difference. If you’ve never had a separate social life your SO might struggle more as not used to spending any time apart. If your SO has a busy, fulfilling life of her own she might be more open than if she feels dependent on you for her social needs.

So often ’betrayal feelings’ are not just about the sex per se, but about the worry that the SO will not receive the same level of love and attention. That they will be lonely, bored, anxious with you not there even for a night. If you’re in that camp you could try developing some separation in terms of interests and friends. This may give you quite an insight in how the next step will go!
 
I've always been more than most women can handle. My wife is openly bisexual and very proud of it and she has never had a chance to explore it.

We have been talking over the past 2 years about adding another woman to our relationship so that it works for us both.

The term "unicorn' is apt, because we haven't been able to find anyone that would be interested and the few apps we have been trying have been deleting our profiles.

I guess the two of us together were just always meant to be poly. It's taking a lot to find a partner for us both to start doing it with.
 
My wife and I have been together for 15 years, married for 9. We were in a monogamous relationship until the end of last year, when my wife came to me about her feelings for another man and wanting to try polyamory.

I will start off by saying that we’re probably not representative of most couples. I was already thinking of talking to her about polyamory before she brought it up. The initial conversation was nerve-wracking for both of us. She was afraid I would say no, or worse, and I was afraid she would want to leave me for this other guy (in the back of my head). But after a lot of open conversation on the topic it now feels like the next logical step in our relationship.

We talk about their dates. She likes to watch me swipe on dating apps. We’ve been having a lot of fun with it.
 
GuardianNoodle said:
My wife and I have been together for 15 years, married for 9. We were in a monogamous relationship until the end of last year, when my wife came to me about her feelings for another man and wanting to try polyamory.

I will start off by saying that we’re probably not representative of most couples. I was already thinking of talking to her about polyamory before she brought it up. The initial conversation was nerve-wracking for both of us. She was afraid I would say no, or worse, and I was afraid she would want to leave me for this other guy. But after a lot of open conversation on the topic it now feels like the next logical step in our relationship.

We talk about their dates. She likes to watch me swipe on dating apps. We’ve been having a lot of fun with it.
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I have to agree with Guardian. We both have had a lot of fun looking, but it has also been disheartening. But a lot of it also has a concern for her as well, thinking I'll leave her for the other woman.

A lot of open communication and heart-to-hearts, and obviously actually being selective and looking for someone that will mesh well and actually fit the dynamic.

It's literally like dating all over for us both, we find.
 
Responses and experiences will be as varied as each specific couple so keep that in mind. Other people's experiences are not representative of your own.
 
Chantry said:
I have to agree with Guardian. We both have had a lot of fun looking, but it has also been disheartening. But a lot of it also has a concern for her as well, thinking I'll leave her for the other woman.

A lot of open communication and heart-to-hearts, and obviously actually being selective and looking for someone that will mesh well and actually fit the dynamic.

It's literally like dating all over for us both, we find.
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Yeah, its def like dating all over again. It's weird, I didn't realize I missed the butterflies in my stomach feeling till I suddenly got it back for the first time in years, and now I can talk about it with my best friend, who also happens to be my wife.
 
GuardianNoodle said:
Yea, its def like dating all over again. It's weird, I didn't realize i missed the butterflies in my stomach feeling till I suddenly got it back for the first time in years, and now I can talk about it with my best friend, who also happens to be my wife.
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Yeah, we are looking for that feeling too. We have had only 2 interested parties here in New Brunswick. One was too immature to fully handle this kind of lifestyle. We had already started falling for her, then the second we actually started to fall in love with her, we figured out she was a catfish and hurt us bad. So we had stopped looking for a while to focus on just US.

Now that we are back to looking, it's actually been a lot harder than it sounds. I found this site and believe it or not, Canada has quite the group. But finding those that are unattached and wanting to join one is not as easy as it sounds.

Lots of time and patience is required. It can be disheartening. But we talk about it and keep things strong between us, while we keep looking, of course, which is a big key.

A little bit of a derail, but I think it'll help understanding the complexity that this lifestyle can cause at the same time just by us talking.
 
Chantry said:
Yeah, we are looking for that feeling too. We have had only 2 interested parties here in New Brunswick. One was too immature to fully handle this kind of lifestyle. The second we actually started to fall in love with her, we figured out she was a catfish. She hurt us bad. So we had stopped looking for a while to focus on just US.

Now that we are back to looking, it's actually been a lot harder than it sounds. I found this site and believe it or not, Canada has quite the group. But finding those that are unattached and wanting to join one is not as easy as it sounds.

Lots of time and patience required. It can be disheartening. But we talk about it and keep things strong between us. I think it'll help understanding the complexity that this lifestyle can cause just by us talking.
Click to expand...
I am guessing since you are using "we" that you date as a couple. It's hard enough to find people that want to do a poly relationship with just me. I couldn't imagine trying to find someone who wants to be in a throuple in the wild. I lucked into my LD partner. I met her on VRChat and we just had instant chemistry. I am hoping to find someone more local eventually as well.

But anyway, I will also stop derailing this thread.
 
GuardianNoodle said:
I am guessing since you are using "we" that you date as a couple. It's hard enough to find people that want to do a poly relationship with just me. I couldn't imagine trying to find someone who wants to be in a throuple in the wild. I lucked into my LD partner. I met her on VRChat and we just had instant chemistry. I am hoping to find someone more local eventually as well. Anyway, I will stop derailing this thread.
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Haha. If you wanna chat and share more of the experiences feel free to PM me. I am more available through messages, tbh. Sorry for derailing the chat!
 
Hey Chantry and Guardian,

Neither of you were derailing this thread. Sharing experiences is what we are all about.

I agree that trying to date as a couple, to find that pesky unicorn, is very common with couples new to poly. It seems to make sense at first, from a couple-centric POV, but it is almost doomed to fail. There are dozens of threads here about triads (the preferred term over throuple) that went wrong.

My ex h and I tried this route back 20+ years ago, and we had a common experience. We found a woman who said she'd be into it, but really, she wasn't into women, and just said she was to get my h and hook him. It wasn't the end of the world, but it was the end of our marriage (which had other problems). 8 years after they met, he and I split. They are still together and mono (he wasn't actually poly, turned out). I've been poly ever since. I now have 2 long-term stable relationships with a partner of each sex. They are only friends with each other, and both have other partners of their own (our "poly network").
 
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