Sex advice for weight/mobility issues

M

MeeraReed

Well-known member
This is not a specifically poly question.

I have started seeing a new guy (cis man) I'll call Rick. Although I have been in a poly relationship with Eli for 12 years, I never dated anyone else beyond a few dates in the first year Eli and I were together, so this is my first new partner in over a decade. (For reference, I am a heterosexual cis woman).

Rick is overweight. Probably in the category of obese, over 100 lbs overweight, if I had to guess. This is a change for him since the pandemic and a promotion to a sedentary job, along with being in his 40s now, and also working night shifts and a lot of overtime hours. He was not previously a person who struggled with his weight, and he is not happy with his body right now. He is still trying to figure out what changes he needs to make in his daily habits.

I don't have a problem with the extra weight specifically. I like Rick a lot and am attracted to him. I'm not a thin person myself and I've never been attracted to skinny or athletic body types. I like the cuddly teddy bear type. Also, Rick and I really vibe and I love his personality. Plus we have great physical chemistry, similar sexual interests, very compatible for kissing & intense making out, etc.

But...we had our first sex date yesterday and we were both disappointed at how much his extra weight interfered with our too-idealistic plan to hump like bunnies. Neither of us realized how limited his mobility would actually be in bed. (He has not dated anyone for almost 3 years, when he had not gained as much weight.) We could not find any sex position that worked comfortably for intercourse.

Me on top should be easiest, but I have always had trouble with that position--the angle of penetration never quite works for me. Plus I had trouble straddling Rick comfortably.

With Rick on top or kneeling (with me either on my back or on my stomach), Rick could not really hold himself up without crushing me, nor could I wrap my legs around him. Realistically, he couldn't even be on top of me just for making out, which is one of my favorite ways to get aroused.

Even with just making out on the couch, with Rick sitting and me straddling his lap, I couldn't really rub against his erection (also my favorite thing) due to his large belly being in the way.

We had a lot of fun doing other things, including oral sex, talking dirty, mutual masturbation while making out, etc. All good. But, we super want to fuck and we can't! Any ideas???

Other relevant details:
  • We are both in our 40s with a lot of life and relationship experience, although Rick has had less dating experience recently
  • Since my hysterectomy two years ago, I have been very, very horny and especially more interested in intercourse now that my uterine fibroids aren't causing me pain
  • We had our STI screenings and are able to be barrier-free, so fumbling around with condoms is not an issue
  • Rick is NOT having any trouble with erections or staying hard (a problem I was expecting to encounter, frankly). He also got hard again within a few minutes after orgasming...which I found impressive :)
  • Because I believe penis size is relevant to the positional/logistical issues of sex, I will mention that Rick's dick (;)) is medium/average length and thicker-than-average girth. I have previously had trouble finding the right positions for partners with smaller-than-average or larger-than-average sizes, neither of which will be the case here.
  • Also I really like him :)
  • Despite the fact that I think we did a lot of fun sexual things yesterday, Rick seems worried that he has disappointed me and I am having trouble reassuring him
  • I have some lingering emotional trauma from a relationship I had in my twenties, with an ex who had a lot of sexual problems and insecurities that he ended up blaming me for; something about this situation is reminding me of that a lot
 
Perhaps he can stand beside the bed and you can be on your back propped up by pillows under your lower back, or on your knees?
 
Hi. I'm chiming in to say that I love that you posted this and I'm super proud of you for reaching out and also like, really genuinely (though distantly) cheering in your corner, hoping you figure out a way to connect that actually blows both of your minds.

My initial thought is - get him totally flat so his stomach recedes as much as possible while you straddle him. Consider also reverse cowgirl. Consider also exploring his fingering game and some potential titty-fucking for him. (I'm guessing yours are amazing.)

There is a very wide and vast world beyond penis to vag penetration. If orgasms are the goal, keep in mind there is more than one way to skin a cat.
 
Great question! I am small and pretty short so straddling anyone other than my slender husband is a challenge because my knees don't hit the bed(floor, whatever). I am, however, very flexible.

One of my fav positions is a bit hard to describe - we call it the "Lazy JaneQ" (maybe I should haul out the Kama Sutra and see if I can find a name) and no one needs to hold themselves up. Male partner lays on his side (left in this scenario). I lay on my back with my butt up against his left (downside) hip - forming a T (but the top is long - his body, and the stalk is short - my torso). My right leg goes up and over so my heel is in the small of his back (so I can hold on and press to inform timing) - bonus, my right thigh can act a shelf to hold belly up and out of the way. My left leg goes between his and my left heel joins my right - so I am wrapping my legs around his right thigh and hip rather than waist or both legs (so feet together and knees bent and apart in an open clamshell shape). His hand are free to manage belly placement or pleasure himself or me (as are mine - I usually reach over with right hand to cradle his head or neck or touch his face). Angle can be ajusted by changing the angle of my torso on the bed (T). I can curl up to watch the action or look over to watch his face. I find that this works for me even with a shorter or semi-flacid penis and because the head of the penis is aimed at the sidewall can mimic sensation of increased girth. I can add a small vibrator if addtional clitoral or penile stimulation is desired. Not a kissing position but dirty talk and facial expressions are facilitated!

Just a thought,
JaneQ
 
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but applaud you for 1) finding a new partner and 2) reaching out about positions.

In our final decade together, my ex-husband had gained a lot of weight from a sedentary job, and lack of exercise, and probably a touch of depression. But we still had periods of frequent intense sex. We'd focus on lots of foreplay, fingering, oral in all kinds of positions, and some kinky stuff that didn't require us to bump bellies. The only PiV position we could manage was for me to kneel on the edge of the bed and him to stand on the floor behind me. Or we could do this standing up. I'd basically touch my toes and he'd be behind me again.

I hope Rick can start to get back in better shape. Even losing 30 of those lbs should help a lot.
 
Hello Meera,

This may not be what you want to hear, but it sounds like Rick will need to lose some weight. He should consult his doctor about this, and join a gym and get a trainer. The two of you very much want intercourse with each other. This would be the road to fulfilling that desire. Not a quick or easy solution I realize. I am overweight (by, say, forty or fifty pounds) and have basically despaired of ever correcting that condition. But maybe if I wanted something badly enough, I could do it. I don't know. I do sympathize with your situation.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
we call it the "Lazy JaneQ"
Click to expand...
I haven’t found a name for that one either, and it’s a favorite for me as well. ::goes off to check kinkly, they have a good position guide… ::

“Binding Spoon”… okay, not a bad description.

Side note: Meera, you may want to flip through this, and the site in general, as I’m pretty sure I’ve seen several roundups of positions “for larger bodies” and you might find inspiration: https://www.kinkly.com/2/8567/sex-tips/birds-and-bees/6-sex-positions-made-for-big-beautiful-bodies - needless to say it’s not _generally_ work safe, but neither is this thread, ha! In general, that site is more educational with a side of commerce than titillating, though.
 
Last edited:
Thanks, this is all super helpful!
 
kdt26417 said:
join a gym and get a trainer.
Click to expand...
I work with women with lipodema. The quickest form of weight loss we find is not exercise (although obvs good for you) but bouts of strict ketogenic diet at 1000 calories daily for 4-6 weeks followed by 2 weeks of sensible low-carb Mediterranean. Then repeat. The weight loss happens on the keto phase, the Mediterranean phase stabilises it (a few lbs will go back on then) and allows for some ‘treats’. One of my recent ‘lipo ladies’ has lost 21 lbs in 60 days. But this is about being healthy and feeling well, not about fad dieting and looks.

I hope it works out well, Meera. You and Rick have a wonderful time, with lots of fun trying all the different positions :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top