Doritos1997
New member
A year and a half ago, I started dating a great guy, Jordan. I’m married and he gets along with my husband. Jordan is married and I get along with his wife, Harriet. He wanted kitchen table, I like kitchen table, cool. They were newly poly, but doing therapy, reading books, etc., so I felt OK about that. Everything was good.
Jordan started dating another woman, Bree, late last year, so it’s been about six months. Bree and I met at a party and were friendly. I’m introverted and awkward around new people, and apparently she got the impression I didn’t like her (as Jordan said later). I told him I didn’t mean to give off that impression at all. He conveyed to me that she’s had a few metamours who'd tried to exert control over her relationship with the hinges in the past, and she’s working through some associated trauma. So, I got the message that I needed to try harder to be nice to her. OK, I can do that. I don’t want her to feel threatened.
I was still having a hard time with Jordan dating someone new, but that’s my work to do with my therapist. I asked in a poly support group if I was ethically allowed to ask for him to consider not doing a certain activity with Bree until I had adjusted. I was told that I could ask and it was perfectly ethical for him to say yes or no to this. It was scary to ask for this, but I did, and he agreed not to do said activity with her until I felt more secure. As I better adjusted to their relationship, 2 weeks later, after Bree and I spent some time together at another get-together, I told him she was very nice and it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if he did said activity with her.
She really did seem nice and fun, and I trust Jordan’s taste in people. My therapist and I talked about ways I could get to know Bree as a person and at least have a cordial relationship. I invited about 10 of Jordan's friends over, including Bree and her husband. She was sick, so they didn’t end up coming. I texted her and said I was sorry she was sick and we had a nice brief conversation. I held another gathering a few weeks later and neither Bree nor her husband responded to the invitation. I felt like I had done my work, and if she wasn’t comfortable hanging out, that was her decision.
Four weeks ago, Jordan informed me that Bree wanted to be parallel with me. It felt a little out of left field because our only interactions had been at those two parties two or three months ago. Other than the “Sorry you’re sick” text when she missed my first party, we’ve had no contact and no contact was planned. I was confused and somewhat uncomfortable, since I had been told by Jordan that it was important to him that Bree and I be at least friendly, and he wants kitchen table. I asked if she had gone parallel with Jordan’s wife and he said no. So apparently it was about me.
I asked what it was about me that triggered her. He said, “Nothing you did on purpose,” and I asked for further clarification. It was the request I had made (and released him from about two weeks later) that bothered her so. I was still confused, since it was now seven weeks since I had told him he could do that with her. It was a mystery to me (and as far as I could tell, him) why she had made this request at this time. But hey, trauma can have funky, unpredictable effects on people.
Three weeks ago, Jordan informed me that Bree was likely separating from her husband. The insecure part of me got scared that she might somehow come between us, since Jordan was now Bree's only romantic partner. I again talked with my therapist and soothed myself by reminding myself that even if she did, he would set boundaries and protect our relationship.
I’ve known for some time that Jordan and his wife Harriet were probably going to move to a cheaper rental in April or May. But last week Jordan told me that he, Harriet, her partner Mark, and Bree were all moving into a 4-bedroom house in 3 weeks. We live in a HCOL area and this is their best, most affordable option. Knowing Bree and I were parallel, I asked Jordan what that meant for our relationship. He assured me she was making a lot of progress in therapy, and it would only be temporarily that would we would need to spend our nights together at my place. I asked him how long they had been considering this, and he said seven days.
I have spent one night a week at Jordan' house for the last 16 months, so it’s really hurtful that I am no longer welcome in his new home. I don’t understand why Bree gets to make these requests and he grants them. That said, I truly don’t think anyone is acting maliciously here.
I’ve been poly for 10 years and this is a first for me. I don’t know where to go from here. Help?
Jordan started dating another woman, Bree, late last year, so it’s been about six months. Bree and I met at a party and were friendly. I’m introverted and awkward around new people, and apparently she got the impression I didn’t like her (as Jordan said later). I told him I didn’t mean to give off that impression at all. He conveyed to me that she’s had a few metamours who'd tried to exert control over her relationship with the hinges in the past, and she’s working through some associated trauma. So, I got the message that I needed to try harder to be nice to her. OK, I can do that. I don’t want her to feel threatened.
I was still having a hard time with Jordan dating someone new, but that’s my work to do with my therapist. I asked in a poly support group if I was ethically allowed to ask for him to consider not doing a certain activity with Bree until I had adjusted. I was told that I could ask and it was perfectly ethical for him to say yes or no to this. It was scary to ask for this, but I did, and he agreed not to do said activity with her until I felt more secure. As I better adjusted to their relationship, 2 weeks later, after Bree and I spent some time together at another get-together, I told him she was very nice and it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if he did said activity with her.
She really did seem nice and fun, and I trust Jordan’s taste in people. My therapist and I talked about ways I could get to know Bree as a person and at least have a cordial relationship. I invited about 10 of Jordan's friends over, including Bree and her husband. She was sick, so they didn’t end up coming. I texted her and said I was sorry she was sick and we had a nice brief conversation. I held another gathering a few weeks later and neither Bree nor her husband responded to the invitation. I felt like I had done my work, and if she wasn’t comfortable hanging out, that was her decision.
Four weeks ago, Jordan informed me that Bree wanted to be parallel with me. It felt a little out of left field because our only interactions had been at those two parties two or three months ago. Other than the “Sorry you’re sick” text when she missed my first party, we’ve had no contact and no contact was planned. I was confused and somewhat uncomfortable, since I had been told by Jordan that it was important to him that Bree and I be at least friendly, and he wants kitchen table. I asked if she had gone parallel with Jordan’s wife and he said no. So apparently it was about me.
I asked what it was about me that triggered her. He said, “Nothing you did on purpose,” and I asked for further clarification. It was the request I had made (and released him from about two weeks later) that bothered her so. I was still confused, since it was now seven weeks since I had told him he could do that with her. It was a mystery to me (and as far as I could tell, him) why she had made this request at this time. But hey, trauma can have funky, unpredictable effects on people.
Three weeks ago, Jordan informed me that Bree was likely separating from her husband. The insecure part of me got scared that she might somehow come between us, since Jordan was now Bree's only romantic partner. I again talked with my therapist and soothed myself by reminding myself that even if she did, he would set boundaries and protect our relationship.
I’ve known for some time that Jordan and his wife Harriet were probably going to move to a cheaper rental in April or May. But last week Jordan told me that he, Harriet, her partner Mark, and Bree were all moving into a 4-bedroom house in 3 weeks. We live in a HCOL area and this is their best, most affordable option. Knowing Bree and I were parallel, I asked Jordan what that meant for our relationship. He assured me she was making a lot of progress in therapy, and it would only be temporarily that would we would need to spend our nights together at my place. I asked him how long they had been considering this, and he said seven days.
I have spent one night a week at Jordan' house for the last 16 months, so it’s really hurtful that I am no longer welcome in his new home. I don’t understand why Bree gets to make these requests and he grants them. That said, I truly don’t think anyone is acting maliciously here.
I’ve been poly for 10 years and this is a first for me. I don’t know where to go from here. Help?
