Partner moving in with new girlfriend, who won't allow me in their house

Doritos1997

New member
A year and a half ago, I started dating a great guy, Jordan. I’m married and he gets along with my husband. Jordan is married and I get along with his wife, Harriet. He wanted kitchen table, I like kitchen table, cool. They were newly poly, but doing therapy, reading books, etc., so I felt OK about that. Everything was good.

Jordan started dating another woman, Bree, late last year, so it’s been about six months. Bree and I met at a party and were friendly. I’m introverted and awkward around new people, and apparently she got the impression I didn’t like her (as Jordan said later). I told him I didn’t mean to give off that impression at all. He conveyed to me that she’s had a few metamours who'd tried to exert control over her relationship with the hinges in the past, and she’s working through some associated trauma. So, I got the message that I needed to try harder to be nice to her. OK, I can do that. I don’t want her to feel threatened.

I was still having a hard time with Jordan dating someone new, but that’s my work to do with my therapist. I asked in a poly support group if I was ethically allowed to ask for him to consider not doing a certain activity with Bree until I had adjusted. I was told that I could ask and it was perfectly ethical for him to say yes or no to this. It was scary to ask for this, but I did, and he agreed not to do said activity with her until I felt more secure. As I better adjusted to their relationship, 2 weeks later, after Bree and I spent some time together at another get-together, I told him she was very nice and it wouldn’t hurt my feelings if he did said activity with her.

She really did seem nice and fun, and I trust Jordan’s taste in people. My therapist and I talked about ways I could get to know Bree as a person and at least have a cordial relationship. I invited about 10 of Jordan's friends over, including Bree and her husband. She was sick, so they didn’t end up coming. I texted her and said I was sorry she was sick and we had a nice brief conversation. I held another gathering a few weeks later and neither Bree nor her husband responded to the invitation. I felt like I had done my work, and if she wasn’t comfortable hanging out, that was her decision.

Four weeks ago, Jordan informed me that Bree wanted to be parallel with me. It felt a little out of left field because our only interactions had been at those two parties two or three months ago. Other than the “Sorry you’re sick” text when she missed my first party, we’ve had no contact and no contact was planned. I was confused and somewhat uncomfortable, since I had been told by Jordan that it was important to him that Bree and I be at least friendly, and he wants kitchen table. I asked if she had gone parallel with Jordan’s wife and he said no. So apparently it was about me.

I asked what it was about me that triggered her. He said, “Nothing you did on purpose,” and I asked for further clarification. It was the request I had made (and released him from about two weeks later) that bothered her so. I was still confused, since it was now seven weeks since I had told him he could do that with her. It was a mystery to me (and as far as I could tell, him) why she had made this request at this time. But hey, trauma can have funky, unpredictable effects on people.

Three weeks ago, Jordan informed me that Bree was likely separating from her husband. The insecure part of me got scared that she might somehow come between us, since Jordan was now Bree's only romantic partner. I again talked with my therapist and soothed myself by reminding myself that even if she did, he would set boundaries and protect our relationship.

I’ve known for some time that Jordan and his wife Harriet were probably going to move to a cheaper rental in April or May. But last week Jordan told me that he, Harriet, her partner Mark, and Bree were all moving into a 4-bedroom house in 3 weeks. We live in a HCOL area and this is their best, most affordable option. Knowing Bree and I were parallel, I asked Jordan what that meant for our relationship. He assured me she was making a lot of progress in therapy, and it would only be temporarily that would we would need to spend our nights together at my place. I asked him how long they had been considering this, and he said seven days.

I have spent one night a week at Jordan' house for the last 16 months, so it’s really hurtful that I am no longer welcome in his new home. I don’t understand why Bree gets to make these requests and he grants them. That said, I truly don’t think anyone is acting maliciously here.

I’ve been poly for 10 years and this is a first for me. I don’t know where to go from here. Help?
 
"I don’t understand why Bree gets to make these requests and Jordan grants them."

When you made a request, he granted it. Why is this any different?
 
This all sounds like bad hinge to me. Why did Jordan need to express your agreement to Bree? Why could he simply say, "I'm not ready for that, but I'll let you know if/when I get there"?

It's Bree's choice to be parallel. She shouldn't decide YOUR relationship to HIM. Jordan has a right to keep having the relationship with you that he wants. I would see this as a huge red VETO flag for the future (which she has pretty much played and got him to buy) of your relationship, and get out now.
 
Hello Doritos1997,

It seems to me that Jordan has hit you with a triple blow. First he gets a new girlfriend (selfish), then he moves in with said girlfriend (unfair), then he won't let you into their house (outrageous). Explain to him that he is treating you badly, and that he must stop doing that. Allowing you into their house is the least he could do.

It's obvious that he is a great guy. It's just these three little things he did to you that don't seem very considerate. I'm sure if you explain it to him in the right way, he will see your point and turn over a new leaf. Just don't let him get carried away with his NRE.

You have tried hard to be Bree's friend. You have gone out of your way to make her feel comfortable. The only complaint she can think of is that you didn't want Jordan and her to do that one activity for a couple of weeks -- and that's not a valid complaint. I can't believe she is treating you like this and I can't believe he is enabling that.

While it's true that no one is acting maliciously here, the fact remains that you have spent one night a week at Jordan's house for the last 16 months and as such, you deserve more respect and consideration. Bree should not be telling you that you can't come over to her house. He shouldn't be letting her say that. I hope the three of you can work this out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My advice would be to let this play out and and the chips fall as they may. Jordan's sudden decision to move into a four-person poly household with someone he's been dating for six months, whose marriage just ended (plus his wife & his metamour)-- well, I suspect it is unlikely to go very well.

Step back and accept the parallel poly situation for now. It's annoying that Jordan is choosing a living arrangement that will be so inconvenient for you. And I understand it's hurtful that Bree gets along with Harriet, but not with you. But I don't think trying to stop him from moving forward with this plan will do any good... It seems to be what he wants to do.

And even if you were welcome in the house, would you want to sleep over with Jordan in a house with your TWO metamours? I'd find that very awkward to begin with, and I'd WANT parallel poly for myself so I wouldn't have to hang out in the poly household.

You are also free to reevaluate your relationship with Jordan. If you feel like he's prioritizing Bree and building a life/future with her, and that's not what you want, you can break up with him and find a different poly boyfriend, ideally, one who is better at being a hinge.
 
My advice would be to let this play out and and the chips fall as they may. Jordan's sudden decision to move into a four-person poly household with someone he's been dating for six months, whose marriage just ended (plus his wife & his metamour)-- well, I suspect it is unlikely to go very well.

Step back and accept the parallel poly situation for now. It's annoying that he's choosing a living arrangement that will be so inconvenient for you. And I understand it's hurtful that Bree gets along with Harriet, but not with you. But I don't think trying to stop him from moving forward with this plan will do any good.. It seems to be what he wants to do.

And even if you were welcome in the house, would you want to sleep over with Jordan in a house with your TWO metamours? I'd find that very awkward to begin with, and I'd WANT parallel poly for myself so I wouldn't have to hang out in the poly household.

You are also free to reevaluate your relationship with Jordan. If you feel like he's prioritizing Bree, and building a life/future with her, and that's not what you want, you can break up with him and find a different poly boyfriend, ideally, one who is better at being a hinge.
Thank you. This is very helpful. It's also validating, since much of what you said is in line with my thinking.
 
Mod note-- Would you mind kindly choosing nicknames for your partner, his other partner, and the other metamours involved here? Parsing someone's story can get difficult with no names, especially when there are several people involved. I will go back and plug in the nicknames after you choose them. Thanks!
 
Fair question and I appreciate your push back. I do think asking/granting "please refrain from __ activity" for a few weeks is on a different scale from her making it so that I am not welcome in his home, where I stay occasionally to lessen my work commute, for an unspecified amount of time.

Jordan is the one who's made it so that you're not welcome in their home. He agreed to Bree's request, the same way he agreed to yours. And he expects that it's temporary, the same way your request was temporary.

Bree has asked, "Please refrain from having Doritos over to our new home until I'm ready." You asked, "please refrain from ___ activity until I'm ready." I think we can all understand why Bree was pissed. But Jordan is the one trying to manage this, to the best of his current ability. In hindsight he might have done things differently regarding your request, so that none of these consequences happened. But the past can't be changed. So you're going to be stuck waiting this out, unless you want to walk away. Which, given the potential shit show this whole living arrangement could become, wouldn't be an unreasonable response.
 
Mod note-- Would you mind kindly choosing nicknames for your partner, his other partner, and the other metamours involved here? Parsing someone's story can get difficult with no names, especially when there are several people involved. I will go back and plug in the nicknames after you choose them. Thanks!
I'll be Doritos. Partner is Jordan, his girlfriend is Bree, his wife is Harriet, her boyfriend is Mark.
 
Back
Top