New to Poly and Unsure How to Feel

L

Lynx

New member
My partner and I had a few conversations about bringing in a third. We have talked and discussed what we like. I tend to have a high sex drive, so why not?

After months of searching, he brought home a beautiful young lady. She is amazing.

I’m unsure how I am supposed to feel. My partner says I am jealous. I don’t think I am. But you know, we can be our own enemies.

We have been having an amazing time. However, our sex/intimacy has changed. I understand that one man may not be able to handle two women with high sex drives.

Typically, intimacy starts off with one or both of us spoiling the lady. Then, intercourse begins, between my partner and the lady. When intercourse begins, I take turns touching and pleasing them. When they are done, they lie on one side of the bed are talking and kissing until they fall asleep. A couple of times, he will start sex with me and then tell me that he is going to her. And repeat. They are off to the side.

I tried to explain to my partner how I felt and he said that if I’m jealous, we could just stop. Or he says that I just want her to myself. I was trying to explain to him that our dynamic had completely changed. I understood that it was going to.

I just feel that after they have had their time, he should lie closer to me, not all of the time, just occasionally. I don’t really feel that I am jealous, because I’m not upset about them having sex. I feel like a third wheel that has been brought into their relationship.

I'm not sure what to do, because I really like her and enjoy her company.

Today he wanted to have sex and I told him that I was okay because I didn’t want to go through the feelings that I have. Eventually, he decided that he had to have sex with me. After 15-20 minutes of just the two of us, he told me he was going to wake the lady up and have sex with her. And he did.

What do you all think? Am I jealous? I just feel as if he has found what he truly likes and I’m just sound because of the length of time that we have been together.
 
This sounds like newbies (at least to each other, if not total newbies) learning how to share group sex so it's satisfying for ALL parties.


I tried to explain to my partner how I felt and he said that if I was jealous then we could just stop. Or he says that I just want her to myself. I was trying to explain to him that our dynamic had completely changed. I understood that I was going to.
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You don't sound jealous, you sound BORED. He's all caught up in the New Shiny Person and he's not especially great at sharing group sex. Is that true?

What would be so horrible about each of you sharing sex with Lady separately?

If this is "meh" to you, it's okay for you to speak up to both of them before sharing group sex again, so the group experience can go well for everyone.

Or you can decide it's too meh to bother with, and inform both of them that you'd prefer to stop sharing group sex, that you'd prefer to share sex in two-person dyads, when the people in those dyads want to share sex with each other.
  • You + him
  • Him + her
  • You + her

Today he wanted to have sex and I told him that I was okay because I didn’t want to go through the feelings that I have.
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You are not obligated to share sex just because he wants to. It's okay to pass.
 
You don't sound jealous. You sound BORED because he's all caught up in the New Shiny Person and he's not especially great at sharing group sex.
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Thank you for this. I truly don’t feel jealous. I feel bored and very unsatisfied. Our dynamic went from two of us having long, great sex with multiple orgasms, to me just getting some intercourse and maybe 3 total orgasms since she came into our lives. Once when it was just the two of us.

I don’t care if they have sex alone. I have watched and taken great pics. I just feel like “I am here”… if that makes sense.
 
Hello Lynx,

You said that after they have had their times, that you want him to lie closer to you, not all of the time, just occasionally. Have you told him this? If you have, what was his response?

This doesn't sound like jealousy. It just sounds like you recognizing that you are being pushed to the side. No doubt he is experiencing NRE with this young lady, and it is influencing him to neglect you. He is not thinking about what would be fair to both you and her.

I hope you can work this out with him.

Kevin T.
 
Why do you all have to be together as a trio so much? Can't he just see her and you separately? Right now, this doesn't sound like polyamory or poly dating, just consensual group sex.

It's okay for you to drop out of group sex encounters and practice consensual nonmonogamy in a different way.

  • He sees his sex partners on his own.
  • You see yours on your own.
  • Lady has her sex partners and sees them on her own.
  • He can do group sex with other people. You don't have to be in the mix.
  • You can do group sex with other people. He doesn't have to be in the mix.
  • Lady can do group sex with other people. You don't have to be in the mix. If he is or isn't... that's between them to sort out.

You might even prefer to dial it back with Lady. Be basically polite and friendly, acknowledge that she is his sex partner, but do not have her as your sex partner anymore. Get more space and separateness in there. As long as you all agree on the safer sex practices being used, it might be best for you to quit doing the boring group-sex thing.

If he keeps saying you are jealous, you could say, "No, I am not jealous. I am just bored with this group sex. I've tried it, and I am not interested in doing it with you and Lady anymore. I prefer to date separately instead."

GG
 
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kdt26417 said:
Hello Lynx,

You said that after they have had their times, that you want him to lie closer to you, not all of the time, just occasionally. Have you told him this? If you have, what was his response?

This doesn't sound like jealousy. It just sounds like you recognizing that you are being pushed to the side. No doubt he is experiencing NRE with this young lady, and it is influencing him to neglect you. He is not thinking about what would be fair to both you and her.
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I did tell him that. He told me that I was jealous of her and I should admit that I can’t handle it. I feel very pushed to the side. I tried to explain to him again how I felt. He keeps telling me to spend time with her. I told him that it wasn’t her that I needed, but I still got the same thing.

I’m sure he is experiencing NRE. This phase can last different lengths for people. He pushed for this throuple, but only their needs are being met.

I appreciate your feedback. I have been trying to look at this situation from different angles. I thought that maybe I was jealous. 😭 Thanks.
 
Get more space and separateness in there. As long as you all agree on the safer sex practices being used, it might be best for you to quit doing the boring group sex thing.

If he keeps saying you are jealous, you could say, "No, I am not jealous. I am just bored with group sex. I've tried it. I am not interested in doing that with you and Lady anymore. I'd prefer to date separately instead."
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I agree with this. It is what I have begun doing. I think your response is great.

I know that question, or, "Why don’t you want to have sex with me?" will come up, and my previous answer will cause an argument, for sure.
 
He's being a dick.

I know that's not constructive, but from what you're conveying here, it's what I'm seeing. If he doesn't want to listen to you, and keeps trying to tell you how you're feeling, stop engaging with him. He is caught up in his NRE for her (and it sounds like she's living with you, wtf?) and he is being a total jerk to you.

Pull back. Make your own life better. You take the "spare room" and make it yours. Redesign it. Love it. If he and Lady refuse to have her go live in her own place, then you claim back your own space in your house.

Tell them this is what is happening. Don't ask. They can share his room until he's got her out of his system, or she's sick of him. You don't have to welcome him into your room if you don't want to. If he is welcome in, then it's just "you and him" time. If she is welcome in, it's just you and her time.

Date other people yourself, if you're so inclined.

Whatever you choose, do so deliberately, rather than meandering through this limbo time like a rudderless dinghy in the fog. Choose a course and get on it. Know you can change course whenever you like, but at least you aren't adrift. He's not the captain anymore. He's just a dick.
 
I'm just going with my first impression but my gut tells me that he wants to believe you're jealous and "can't handle it" because he gets a kick out of the idea of two women competing for his attention.
 
I did tell him that. He told me that I was jealous of her and I should admit that I can’t handle it. I feel very pushed to the side.
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But you ARE handling it, by dropping out of group sex. Your consent to do things or not belongs to you. You can quit doing stuff you don't want to do.

He pushed for this throuple, where only their needs are being met.
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You don't have to do things you aren't into just because he has some threesome or throuple fantasy going on. He can find someone ELSE to be their threesome partner. It does NOT have to be you.

I know that question, or, "Why don’t you want to have sex with me?" will come up, and my previous answer will cause an argument, for sure.
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"No" is a complete answer. So is "I prefer to date/share sex with just you. No more threesomes with Lady. Tried it. Not into it."

You do not have to "JADE"-- justify, argue, defend, or explain your position.

I get he might fee disappointed with your answer because he hoped for something else. But he can deal with his disappointed feelings like a grown-up.

If he wants to argue, he can do it by himself. You don't have to attend every argument you are invited to. You can say "Nope. Not negotiable. No more threesomes with you and Lady."

Then leave the room. If he keeps pushing this threesome thing, you can dump him.

Galagirl
 
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It sounds like your situation is somewhere between casual group sex and polyamory, with a touch of stepping-stone-to-breaking-up going on.

If he is neglecting your sexual needs, and dismissing your feelings of dissatisfaction, neglect, boredom, etc., in favor of just going back to shagging the new and shiny, he needs a reality check, in no uncertain terms.

Maybe you ARE also jealous (as well as the other things). Jealousy is caused by a fear of loss. You HAVE lost him (temporarily at best) to the new person. He's all about her and he's being rude as fuck to you. You might also be envious. Envy that she's getting all the good orgasms while you're only the fluffer and the photographer. Pffft!

Maybe he'd done with you and he's using this awkward "throuple" thing as a way to move on to this new person.

It's time to put your foot down, as Evie suggested. If he won't take your words seriously, stop engaging with either of them. Get your own room. Start dating someone new and shiny yourself, who's eager to please YOU in every way.

Polyamory does NOT mean group sex. The mass media presents it this way, because it is titillating for men, and sells ad revenue, but they are wrong. Please check out our resource list at the top of this section of the forum for much more information on how to practice polyamory in a healthy successful way.
 
I might add that if you do crave group sex/threeways, there is an art to it. The players each need to be polite, have manners, and make sure all three are included and having fun at all times. No one gets to rest until everyone's needs are met. I have tried threesomes with otherwise nice poly people who didn't understand how to share (something one is supposed to learn in kindergarten, right?).

I have had better group sex with experienced swingers. They usually make a practice of some kind of group sex and learn the ropes on how to make sure everyone's needs are met, every time. They learn by watching how other swingers do it. And often bad practices are discouraged by written or unwritten rules of the group.

And of course, if you're just not interested in participating, when your only role is to make sure the OTHER TWO are having fun, bleh, just don't do it.
 
Lynx said:
My partner and I had a few conversations about bringing in a third. We have talked and discussed what we like. I tend to have a high sex drive, so why not?
Click to expand...
Hey,

I'm no expert, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like it may have been more persuasion than a conversation.

Then waking someone up, to... [have sex with her]. I am with all the other comments about the guy being a bit disrespectful. 😕
 
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