Feeling Pressured

C

CrazyLizardLady

New member
I hesitate to even post, because I'm diagnosed ASD, and I'm honestly not sure if it's what's happening, or if I'm imagining things. But here goes...

My husband (40) and I (40f) have moved in with the girlfriend. It's been tough going - early on in our relationship, I let him know that I myself am not poly, so what we have will likely turn out to be a V.

He's said before that he doesn't want to be the hinge anymore. After his ex and he broke up (I was supposed to be the "unicorn" there before it fell apart, long story), he felt as if it was too mentally taxing.

I'm not super jealous. I'm very communicative and forthright when it comes to my needs. I don't have any problems with them spending time together. It's just that... he seems to be forcing us together to see if there's relationship potential between us, because he wants a true closed triad. He's created an atmosphere in the home where it's okay to grope playfully, and I'm a bit uncomfortable with this as it pertains to me. I'm much more reserved, and I'm very sensitive to touch, and quite often, don't really want to be touched in a sexually suggestive way.

So... I'm hetero flexible, but over the past five years or so, my interest in women has waned considerably. I've told him this on at least two occasions, but it hasn't seemed to really sink in. (He's had a couple head injuries over the years and has memory issues, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here.

The meat of it is, really, a preference issue. She's not really my type. She's cute, but I'm not attracted to her in that way. We've had a few successful threesomes, but those always started with some sort of social lubricant, namely, alcohol. After a couple drinks, my inhibitions are lowered enough to where I can... perform. But I feel like I'm playing a part; being pressured into doing things that I'd rather not do to make my partner happy.

This was highlighted when I was told by my doctor that I had to abstain from alcohol for six weeks for a blood test (bilirubin levels). I was unable to get myself into the headspace for a threesome that he really was looking forward to. He didn't prepare me for it; I didn't even know he had anything planned, so I wasn't mentally prepared in the least. I just blurted out, "I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood for anything group right now." He was unhappy, but rallied later in the day, after we all had a chance to relax.

She and I have never had a sexual or romantic encounter, one on one. I'm not in love with her. I doubt I'll ever see her as more than a very close friend. And I'm not really sure where, when, or how to start explaining this to him.

This-- this poly life, two women, is his dream, what he's wanted since he knew what poly was, more than 20 years ago. As the girlfriend, I was perfectly fine standing back and letting the wife take point, make the hard decisions. But as the wife, it's very different. I made a promise to him. I knew it was going to be difficult, but I'm not sure how far I can go with this. I accept his choice of partner, but I don't think I can have two romantic relationships at once.

Maybe I'm just venting, and I'm sorry if that's what it turns out to be. I apologize if this post is a bit disjointed... I'm just so, so confused on how to approach all of this. It's just so overwhelming.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
You don't need to provide your husband with a closed triad. It might mean that you part ways, if a closed triad is his one and only dream, but you're in no way obliged to make this work for him. You can't make it work anyway.

Ask him to show you how it is done by having a closed triad with him and another guy for a while.
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Like, as a thought experiment to see what he'd say, or as a genuine suggestion? I don't really have an interest in another man. We did swinging for a while, and that got old quickly, for both of us. The point is that I'm not really all that interested in another relationship for myself. I'm fine with just him, really.

She's only five years younger than me. I'm not jealous of her. I'm just not interested in another romantic relationship.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Why are you living with the GF? Would you prefer your own flat, and husband going back and forth?

I don't have any problems with them spending time together, it's just that... he seems to be forcing us together to see if there's relationship potential between us, because he wants a true closed triad.
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That's nice.He can want things. That doesn't mean he automatically gets them. A triad requires three people voting "yes." It's not going to happen here because YOU vote, "No, thanks."

He's created an atmosphere in the home where it's okay to grope playfully, and I'm a bit uncomfortable with this as it pertains to me.
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He can want that, but unless you and Lady also want to be doing random gropings and calling that "play," it's not going to fly. You do not consent to groping, playful or not.

Why does your husband think whatever he says goes?


I'm much more reserved, and I'm very sensitive to touch, and quite often, don't really want to be touched in a sexually suggestive way.
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Rightly so. Your body belongs to YOU. YOU decide if/when/how you choose to share your body with consenting people and accept/consent to being touched by people, not your husband. He has his own body to be in charge of. He is NOT in charge of yours.

She's not really my type. She's cute, but I'm not attracted to her in that way. We've had a few successful threesomes, but those always started with some sort of social lubricant, namely alcohol.
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Stop sharing group sex with husband and his GF. She's not your type and it seems to fuel his triad fantasies. No more drinking with them either, if that leads to poor choices or consent violations.

After a couple drinks, my inhibitions are lowered enough to where I can... perform. But I feel like I'm playing a part, being pressured into doing things that I'd rather not do to make my partner happy.
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Then stop drinking and stop performing. Honor YOUR wants ahead of your partners.'

You have to be able to say, "I love you a whole lot. But NO, not even for you am I going to do stuff I don't really want or stuff that hurts me. That is asking too much. I have to look out for my own well-being."

Your partner's happiness does not come at the expense of your own.

This was highlighted when I was told by my doctor that I had to abstain from alcohol for six weeks for a blood test (bilirubin levels). I was unable to get myself into the headspace for a threesome that he really was looking forward to.
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Can't he just go do threesomes with Lady and someone else? Why's it got to be with you? You aren't into it. What is so hard for him to understand about that?

Just because you agreed to threesomes in the past doesn't mean you consent to do it forever. Maybe reviewing the consent cartoon would help you tell him NO.

www.boredpanda.com

Rape And Consent Explained In 7 Simple Comics By Alli Kirkham

One of the most controversial points in the modern discussion of rape is consent. Comic artist Alli Kirkham helped clear the question up with a series of 7 comics that illustrate sexual consent issues with everyday situations that are easier for everyone to understand. Social Issues
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He didn't prepare me for it. I didn't even know he had anything planned, so I wasn't mentally prepared in the least. I just blurted out, "I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood for anything group right now." He was unhappy, but rallied later in the day, after we all had a chance to relax.
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Are you saying he is in the habit of just foisting unwanted group sex on you, and you drink to cope with that violation? This sounds really weird. NO, it is not your ASD.

I think you could say NO. You aren't into her, the group sex, and you don't want another romantic relationship right now.

If he keeps bothering you, consider moving out. Reevaluate if you want to stay married to someone who will not respect your "no" and keeps trying to push you past your boundaries.

Galagirl
 
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Yeah, I think a talk needs to happen, soon.

I don't drink to cope with emotional/relationship issues, per se. I have back and joint pain, and it's becoming apparent that I use it for pain management, rather than to deal with emotional issues. It's just happenstance that it's coinciding. I'll be chatting with my doctor about more effective pain management as soon as I can.

Unfortunately, against my better judgement, we signed a lease with her. So we're kinda stuck like this for a bit.

I'm quite capable of saying no, and this is the second time I've done so. He can be very persuasive, but if I'm not feeling it, I can and have said no.

Thank you for your perspectives, both of you. Now that I see it through others' eyes, it's clarified it a bit.
 
CrazyLizardLady said:
He's said before that he doesn't want to be the hinge anymore. After his ex and he broke up (I was supposed to be the "unicorn" there before it fell apart, long story), he felt as if it was too mentally taxing.
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If he isn't willing to do the work then he shouldn't be having two relationships!!!!!

Relationships take work and two willing partners to put in that work to make it a good, healthy, lasting relationship. To me, this is a HUGE red flag that he won't do the work with you when things get tough. Why did his last marriage fail? (Don't answer that, just think about it.) Was SHE doing all the work and tired of it? Or was he just not willing to and ending it was easier?

If he thinks having a triad is easier, he is very mistaken. If you go full parallel, there will be WAY less hinge work to do, as the relationships are completely separate. This man needs to get over his fantasy, because the way he wants to go about it, that's all it will ever be-- a fantasy.
CrazyLizardLady said:
he seems to be forcing us together to see if there's relationship potential between us, because he wants a true closed triad.
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He needs to learn that people have autonomy and are not slaves to his whims and desires. I would state clearly:

"I do not want to be part of a triad with you and her, ever. if you continue to push me in that direction, I will see that you do not love or respect me as a person, and only want me to fulfill your fantasies. and we will be over. I love you and am committed to you. You may date whomever you want, but I won't be a part of it. Do you understand?"

He can find himself two other women to have this fantasy with, but you do not have to be a part of it.
 
Hello CrazyLizardLady,

I take it you are not comfortable being touched in a sexually suggestive way in front of the girlfriend. Have you said this to your husband? If you have, what was his response? You said the girlfriend isn't your type, she's cute, but you're not attracted to her in that way. Have you said this to your husband? If you have, what was his response? Maybe with his head injuries he's not responding at all, nor even hearing what you say.

It doesn't sound like threesomes are a great thing for you, at least not with this girlfriend. Poly is not good for you. Triads are not good for you. And V's are apparently not good for your husband. I don't know, you may have come up against an incompatibility between you and your husband. I hope that's not the case, but based on your description of the situation that's what I have to conclude. It's no problem if you need to vent.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Polyamory does not equal group sex. For some people on the asexual spectrum, it doesn't even mean sex!

You said you tried swinging and didn't like it. To me, it sounds like hubs is forcing more swinging on you. He's trying to force you, coerce you into having group sex when you aren't attracted to the other partner!

Did he force you to have threesomes when you went to swinger's parties or clubs too?

That's gross. This is all pretty damn close to sexual assault or slavery.

If you have to drink to get into the mood to touch this so-called "girlfriend," that's a huge red flag. How long have you even known her? How long after you started dating did she move in with you and hubs? Whose idea was that? (I know, it was his idea. Or she had financial difficulties and he moved her in under the guise of "helping" her.)

You do not love this so-called "girlfriend" romantically, and you're not even attracted to her. If you like her as a friend, fine. Do that. Don't let her touch you flirtatiously, and stop letting hubs force you to have sex with her. Gross.

I've only had sex with someone a few times when I didn't want to, and felt forced to. I was date raped. I was assaulted on the street. I learned to avoid putting myself in a position where it was either give someone an orgasm or risk serious physical harm or possible death.
 
Aside from the relationship dynamics here, I agree with the others
-- your body is yours, and he should not be touching you in *any* way without your permission, privately or in front of others.
-- you don't have to have a relationship more than roommates with this other person.
-- He needs to not bring her into your shared marriage room without your permission. You need and deserve your own space. He can go to her room if they want to be together.
-- You can exit this situation without guilt any time you want. Divorce is okay too. I have been divorced twice and it was a freedom when it was no longer working. Remaining married when it's not working is awful. You don't realize how bad it is until you leave and feel that relief.

By the way my oldest is ASD and an amazing non-binary person who has taught me to see the world through different perspectives. Don't question yourself or your perspective here. You have rights, and if it feels wrong, it is wrong. Period, end of story.
 
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