Don't know what to do...

I haven't gotten past the "can we talk about it?" stage. He's not saying no to poly. He's literally saying no to talking about it. I think it's just been too big of an idea for him to even fathom. But with him doing therapy and starting to communicate better, I thought we might be able to actually talk about it. I would never expect him to just go along with something, nor would I keep pushing something that I know he's adamantly against. As someone who was sexually abused, no means no, and consent are extremely important to me. Hence why I'm here asking for advice.
 
Mcphooey said:
THERE IS NO PRESSURE. All I want is a conversation and ideas on how to approach this. Have you never had to talk to someone about being poly that had no clue what it meant? Or had preconceived ideas about it? Or has taken 15 years to get to the point where he might be receptive to conversations like this soon?
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Just give therapy time to help him come to a point where you two can communicate. I think that as long as he is unable to have an open conversation with you about your relationship and your sex life, as well as each other's needs, there's not much you can do.

Who knows? Once you can do that, you might find he has desires you never knew about because he felt ashamed. You might be able to create a sex life that's closer to what each of you wants.

Poly might not need to be in the mix. Baby steps. You love him and want this to work. Start with you two first. Poly can be WAY down the road, if needed. And hopefully, when you need to bring it up again, you both are in a much better place, communication-wise.
 
I see you are willing to drop it all and stick with monogamy after you have a real talk, but just having the talk is difficult because he says no to all talks related to sex, due to his sex shame.

If he shuts down all talk, I think you need to work with a counselor on how to approach him with it. They could help you better than internet people could.

If you need to talk to a poly counselor for just yourself, while you wait for him to get through some individual counseling first, I suppose you could try looking at https://www.polyfriendly.org/

If you need some help with your communication skills, you could read some of the NVC books by Marshall Rosenberg. There are different texts on non-violent communication, but I like Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation the best.

That's something you could read and practice on your own while waiting to do couple's counseling. If you do end up sticking with monogamy, the relationship communication quality has to improve so it can be healthy monogamy. So you can start doing your part to improve communication on your side.

Once you do have a real talk with a couple's counselor's help? If he declines and says he doesn't want poly, you have to respect his answer.

Galagirl
 
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Let me see if I've got this right. You and hubs were both raised in strict Christian households. In your infatuated dating or early married time, you admitted you were bi and would prefer an open marriage where you could have both a male partner (him) and a female partner. You and fiance/husband went to "parties" where you "played" (had sex with) other adults. Mostly you did this, but husband did it some and, according to you, he enjoyed it.

So, he knew you were bi and not mono. You knew he was asexual/greysexual. But while he is a little willing to have sex, (and things looked more promising early on) it's not nearly enough for you now. And he's totally embarrassed to talk about sex or having an open relationship. He shuts you down EVERY TIME.

Finally, after about 15 years, while you've been doing therapy individually for a while, he has also agreed to get individual therapy. But he won't do couple's counseling. I guess that would still be too embarrassing.

I know of many people who were raised in high-demand Christian religions/cults. They get such harsh brainwashing about no premarital sex that even when they do get married, they can hardly have sex. If they didn't feel pressured, as good Christians, to breed, they'd probably avoid sex even more. The abuse around the subject as a kid/teen can make this a really high hurdle to overcome.

You can't hint around about poly. You can't just bring home a likely woman and hope she'll be attracted to both of you, and husband will want to bang her as much as you do. Triads don't work that way. (Triads are way too hard to do, especially for newbies, anyway. So get that idea out of your head.)

Husband won't talk about polyamory. But I am getting the feeling you don't understand it very well, either. Please see the Resource thread that is a sticky at the top of this page. There are books, websites, articles and podcasts listed there that are incredibly informative. You can learn more about how polyamory works as husband starts this therapy.


And keep posting here! We are your people. We understand. Even Seasoned means well, although her delivery can be a bit harsh sometimes...

You're not the first married person to have a mismatched libido to your spouse. You're not the first bi person to post here. You can search terms here to find older threads on these subjects and many others. Enjoy your research!
 
GalaGirl said:
I see you are willing to drop it all and stick with monogamy after you have a real talk, but just having the talk is difficult because he says no to all talks related to sex, due to his sex shame.

If he shuts down all talk, I think you need to work with a counselor on how to approach him with it. They could help you better than internet people could.

If you need to talk to a poly counselor for just yourself, while you wait for him to get through some individual counseling first, I suppose you could try looking at https://www.polyfriendly.org/

If you need some help with your communication skills, you could read some of the NVC books by Marshall Rosenberg. There are different texts on non-violent communication, but I like Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation the best.

That's something you could read and practice on your own while waiting to do couple's counseling. If you do end up sticking with monogamy, the relationship communication quality has to improve so it can be healthy monogamy. So you can start doing your part to improve communication on your side.

Once you do have a real talk, with a couple's counselor's help, if he declines, if he doesn't want poly, you have to respect his answer.

Galagirl
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Yes, Galagirl! This! I need all the resources and advice. And of course, I'll respect his answer. Either way, I love him and will give up anything to be with him. Our communication has improved overall since I started therapy. But we had a talk about how I feel like the work was one-sided and I've been busting my butt to fix this issue for years and he hasn't made a move at all. After discussing, he decided it was time for therapy. We really are great at communicating, but part of that is speaking up when you're not ready to communicate about something, ya know. Which is where we are at on this subject. I just want to be ready when the time comes. I know what my ultimate goal is and I want to work with him to satisfy both our needs.
 
Mcphooey said:
Yes, Galagirl! This! I need all the resources and advice. And of course, I'll respect his answer. Either way, I love him and will give up anything to be with him. Our communication has improved overall since I started therapy. But we had a talk about how I feel like the work was one-sided and I've been busting my butt to fix this issue for years and he hasn't made a move at all. After discussing, he decided it was time for therapy. We really are great at communicating, but part of that is speaking up when you're not ready to communicate about something, ya know. Which is where we are at on this subject. I just want to be ready when the time comes. I know what my ultimate goal is and I want to work with him to satisfy both our needs.
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One thing you might learn about as you do your poly research is how we don't recommend "bending yourself into pretzels" or "shrinking yourself," just to hold on to your mate. Western mainstream culture, especially for devout Christians, stresses that, ideally, we should always put other's needs before our own (and Jesus before others, of course!). But in poly, things are more individualistic. We hold to the idea of not being selfish, but being "self-full."

Everyone's needs are important. Our own needs are just as important as our partner's needs. The one exception is the needs of young children. Those needs always come first. (That's a reason why many poly people don't prioritize poly when their kids are small.)

So, if you'll "give up anything to be with him," that means you're willing to sacrifice ALL of your own needs to suit his needs (or his HANGUPS). That doesn't seem healthy. But if you insist on sacrificing yourself, your true nature, your needs and desires, there are things you can do that won't necessitate your husband changing. If your need is for more deep connection with women, you could seek more intimate but non-sexual platonic friendships. If you need is for more sex, you could get really good at masturbating, making time for it with setting a mood (scented candles or oils), seeking some sex toys that really work for you, purchasing some awesome lesbian porn, etc.
 
Yes. I'm hypersexual and have lots of toys and play time with myself at least once a day. I watch porn, I read smut and romance, I do other things. I keep myself quite satisfied. Sex is on my mind 24/7. It is just my nature. My hope is that with therapy we will be able to have these conversations. I just want to be prepared for them.
 
Here are the movies that I would suggest:
  • "December Bride" (1990).
  • "A Small Circle of Friends" (1980).
  • "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" (2008).
  • "Professor Marston and the Wonder Women" (2017).
  • "Savages" (2012).
  • "Her" (2013).
  • "Bandits" (2001).
  • "Paint Your Wagon" (1969).
  • "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" (1969).
  • "Summer Lovers" (1982).
  • "Threesome" (1994).
  • "Three" (2010).
Hopefully that helps.
 
kdt26417 said:
Here are the movies that I would suggest:
  • "December Bride" (1990).
  • "A Small Circle of Friends" (1980).
  • "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" (2008).
  • "Professor Marston and the Wonder Women" (2017).
  • "Savages" (2012).
  • "Her" (2013).
  • "Bandits" (2001).
  • "Paint Your Wagon" (1969).
  • "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" (1969).
  • "Summer Lovers" (1982).
  • "Threesome" (1994).
  • "Three" (2010).
Hopefully that helps.
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Thank you!
 
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