Hello all, I'm a 36 year old male from Oklahoma City and have finally realized after years of struggling that I am polyamorous as orientation. I have a nesting partner that I am also married to. We are both in the same boat, so to say, as to the recent revelations. We are both happy and totally in love with each other, and are happy to support the other in our search for something of our own in polyamory. She is having what I would say is a smooth ride in finding a partner. She's beautiful, and let's face it, apps favor women over men in terms of ease of finding partners.
It's not just apps. In general, women
can pull more frequently then men. I have this discussion often with my gf and wife, and it's something I have observed over the years. Accept this and you will be calmer.
Men and women (I am highly generalizing here, I do understand this, but years of doing this now, I have some clear observations and there are absolutely always exceptions)--
Except for a rare few, women, if they want it, they get it. Is it quality? Is it what they want or need? Most times no. Let's say a woman can pull 1000 men-- 1 of those might work. Women tend to want more before they get the ball rolling, so their date roster fills up with guys who try.
Men generally pull a lot less... like 100x less, due to the ratio of men trying vs women, and just general sexual power dynamic. Most men want sex and then connection. Women get 100s of annoying messages, unsolicited, on every single social app. It's overwhelming.
Side note-- no one has ever been able to truly tell me how to balance that so a man has a chance when they DM. It's dumb luck with a sprinkling of fun banter, which is why guys keep trying, because it might... just... work. And boy, dick pics work, as an example. If dick pics didn't work some of the time on some people, the practice would be stopped. My wife's sister loves dick pics and picks men off apps because of it. If it works once, a guy will use that technique in future.
Try not to let that ratio destroy your self esteem.
Hopefully she can help prop you up as she navigates this world.
To find the right person a balance needs to be struck between the raw immediate sexual desires of a man vs the connection of a woman.
Now I will throw out there lots of woman want sex first, and lots of men want connection first. So you have a variety of exceptions in there.
You also have a number of men who pull too. They have perfected the game, know what to say to draw the connection and they have a lineup of women who want to date, and are craving more than 2 hours a month, but can't get it. Maybe it's the eyes, the bad guy feel, maybe they are just 10s for the community, maybe they are just genuinely so amazing and social, it's perfection... no idea. However, in 15 years of wandering through poly, with 25 years as ENM, I am most jealous & envious of these guys... and I have met 2 (out of thousands)... 2 who successfully enjoy a lot of variety and are sought after. Why am I envious? It's not really self esteem. It's definitely part ego, but it would be nice to have confidence with certainty that finding someone new would always work out.
For reference, in my polycule:
Woman 1 - 3 full time partners, 2 part time
Woman 2 - 2 full time partners, 3 part time partners
Woman 3 - 2 full time partners (full young family)
Man 1 - 2 partners
Man 2 - 2 partners
Man 3 - 2 partners
Find your self esteem in yourself, or poly will destroy your soul.
Last note, poly favours the people who... have the time. Read that as accurately as you need to. There are a lot of folks in the poly space with autoimmune, part time, 1 partner working full time, and the other is stay at home. Poly will 100% of the time favour the person who has more available time. I have two partners but
I travel every 6 weeks
I have an intense hobby I partake in 4 hours a week
I work out
I have a 10 year old
I work 50-hour weeks
I want more, but I don't have time for more.
My wife, if she desired, has 6 hours a day to date. (I have seen other couples where this happens, and it can create unbalance and frustration.)
That brings me to this long winded question....Where can one find like-minded people? How do I even go about saying to potential partner or fling or what have you that yes, I am married, yes, we date other people. Is it that simple? I have almost zero romantic charisma as it is, and not having dated in almost a decade hasn't helped. Any and all advice is welcomed, and thanks for being here y'all. It's nice to know we aren't alone.
Don't talk to women like you want to date them. Talk to them like people.
Find common interests. (I am picky. I don't date people where I don't have alignment.)
I tend to recommend never dating mono people. (I don't have the time to train baby polys anymore.)
Ummm... this contradicts my point 2, since I know point 2 limits my field. In my world poly people fit super tight stereotypes. Games, burner, hippy... I am an athlete, professional, and haven't gamed since I got laid when I was 16, so finding folks to align with is tough, so you may have to date outside your box.
Feeld and apps like feeld (ironically OKC) can also help broaden your findings. You might need to travel, you might need LDR depending on how saturated your location is.
Meetups, poly groups, etc., etc. Check out discord, for example.
If you have ANY kinks at all, Fetlife might be the best place since, there is a heavy ven overlap of kink and ENM.
