New to practice

OkcPoly

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Hello all, I'm a 36 year old Male from Oklahoma City and have finally realized after years of struggling that I am polyamorus as orientation. I have a nesting partner that I am also married to. We are both in the same boat so to say as to the recent revelations. We are both happy and totally in love with each other, and are happy to support the other in our search for something of our own in polyamory. She is having what I would say is an smooth ride in finding a partner. She's beautiful, and let's face it, apps favor women over men in terms of ease of find a partner.
That brings me to this long winded question....Where can one find like minded people? How do I even go about saying to potential partner or fling or what have you that yes I am married, yes we date other people. Is it that simple? I have almost zero romantic charisma as it is, and not having dated in almost a decade hasn't helped. Any and all advice is welcomed, and thanks for being here y'all. It's nice to know we aren't alone.
 
Be upfront about being poly and being new to practicing it. If you join feeld, for example, you can write a profile and describe your love style.

Decide (with your wife) what you offer as a married poly man. How much time can you devote to dating others? What's in it for your potential dates to be with a married man? What kind of woman are you looking for? Describe your interests, good qualities, show them you have a sense of humor.

On a dating app, write a nice pleasant profile (use spellcheck), take a few good quality photos, with one full length photo, one closeup smiling (not in a car, not in front of a dirty bathroom mirror, not in a messy bedroom with an unmade bed and dirty laundry on the floor). Choose a pic of you doing one of your favorite activities, preferably something outdoors.

Besides apps, you can google "polyamory Oklahoma City" and see if there are any groups where people meet each other irl.

If you don't have any "romantic charisma," what would it look like if you did? What needs work?
 
Hello all, I'm a 36 year old male from Oklahoma City and have finally realized after years of struggling that I am polyamorous as orientation. I have a nesting partner that I am also married to. We are both in the same boat, so to say, as to the recent revelations. We are both happy and totally in love with each other, and are happy to support the other in our search for something of our own in polyamory. She is having what I would say is a smooth ride in finding a partner. She's beautiful, and let's face it, apps favor women over men in terms of ease of finding partners.
It's not just apps. In general, women can pull more frequently then men. I have this discussion often with my gf and wife, and it's something I have observed over the years. Accept this and you will be calmer. :)

Men and women (I am highly generalizing here, I do understand this, but years of doing this now, I have some clear observations and there are absolutely always exceptions)--

Except for a rare few, women, if they want it, they get it. Is it quality? Is it what they want or need? Most times no. Let's say a woman can pull 1000 men-- 1 of those might work. Women tend to want more before they get the ball rolling, so their date roster fills up with guys who try.

Men generally pull a lot less... like 100x less, due to the ratio of men trying vs women, and just general sexual power dynamic. Most men want sex and then connection. Women get 100s of annoying messages, unsolicited, on every single social app. It's overwhelming.

Side note-- no one has ever been able to truly tell me how to balance that so a man has a chance when they DM. It's dumb luck with a sprinkling of fun banter, which is why guys keep trying, because it might... just... work. And boy, dick pics work, as an example. If dick pics didn't work some of the time on some people, the practice would be stopped. My wife's sister loves dick pics and picks men off apps because of it. If it works once, a guy will use that technique in future.

Try not to let that ratio destroy your self esteem. :) Hopefully she can help prop you up as she navigates this world.

To find the right person a balance needs to be struck between the raw immediate sexual desires of a man vs the connection of a woman.

Now I will throw out there lots of woman want sex first, and lots of men want connection first. So you have a variety of exceptions in there.

You also have a number of men who pull too. They have perfected the game, know what to say to draw the connection and they have a lineup of women who want to date, and are craving more than 2 hours a month, but can't get it. Maybe it's the eyes, the bad guy feel, maybe they are just 10s for the community, maybe they are just genuinely so amazing and social, it's perfection... no idea. However, in 15 years of wandering through poly, with 25 years as ENM, I am most jealous & envious of these guys... and I have met 2 (out of thousands)... 2 who successfully enjoy a lot of variety and are sought after. Why am I envious? It's not really self esteem. It's definitely part ego, but it would be nice to have confidence with certainty that finding someone new would always work out.

For reference, in my polycule:
Woman 1 - 3 full time partners, 2 part time
Woman 2 - 2 full time partners, 3 part time partners
Woman 3 - 2 full time partners (full young family)
Man 1 - 2 partners
Man 2 - 2 partners
Man 3 - 2 partners

Find your self esteem in yourself, or poly will destroy your soul. :)

Last note, poly favours the people who... have the time. Read that as accurately as you need to. There are a lot of folks in the poly space with autoimmune, part time, 1 partner working full time, and the other is stay at home. Poly will 100% of the time favour the person who has more available time. I have two partners but
I travel every 6 weeks
I have an intense hobby I partake in 4 hours a week
I work out
I have a 10 year old
I work 50-hour weeks

I want more, but I don't have time for more. :) My wife, if she desired, has 6 hours a day to date. (I have seen other couples where this happens, and it can create unbalance and frustration.)

That brings me to this long winded question....Where can one find like-minded people? How do I even go about saying to potential partner or fling or what have you that yes, I am married, yes, we date other people. Is it that simple? I have almost zero romantic charisma as it is, and not having dated in almost a decade hasn't helped. Any and all advice is welcomed, and thanks for being here y'all. It's nice to know we aren't alone.
Don't talk to women like you want to date them. Talk to them like people.
Find common interests. (I am picky. I don't date people where I don't have alignment.)
I tend to recommend never dating mono people. (I don't have the time to train baby polys anymore.)
Ummm... this contradicts my point 2, since I know point 2 limits my field. In my world poly people fit super tight stereotypes. Games, burner, hippy... I am an athlete, professional, and haven't gamed since I got laid when I was 16, so finding folks to align with is tough, so you may have to date outside your box.
Feeld and apps like feeld (ironically OKC) can also help broaden your findings. You might need to travel, you might need LDR depending on how saturated your location is.
Meetups, poly groups, etc., etc. Check out discord, for example.
If you have ANY kinks at all, Fetlife might be the best place since, there is a heavy ven overlap of kink and ENM.
 
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Thank you all so much for the advice!! It's super constructive and I got a lot out of all of them. Self esteem is a work in progress as it is at all times. My partner is as supportive as one can possibly be. I know I'm going to do better after these awesome words from y'all!
 
Thank you all so much for the advice!! It's super constructive and I got a lot out of all of them. Self esteem is a work in progress as it is at all times. My partner is as supportive as one can possibly be. I know I'm going to do better after these awesome words from y'all!
If you figure the self esteem thing out, feel free to share. hahaha..

Best of luck and enjoy. Poly when its working is truly wonderful, all the love is amazing.
 
Work on your charisma. Charisma gets women making it very clear to you that they want a date. One of my exes swore by How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Of course, charisma isn't necessarily obvious on a dating app, so get out there and meet people. Go to poly socials. Fetlife is the absolute best for events like this. And if you can't find one, make one.
 
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And boy, dick pics work, as an example. If they didn't work on 100% of the women 100% of the time, no one would send dick pics.
Hell NO! Worst advice ever. In some places this can get you thrown in jail and registered as a sex offender. If a woman asks then you send one but NEVER WITHOUT CONSENT!

To say they work 100% of the time is beyond an over statement. If I get one it's an automatic block and same with all of my female friends. Women have to wade through tons of creepy guys that only want to bang and have no personality and this can get you on the fast list of losers.

Be patient. It takes more time for men. Be authentic and stop trying to hard. We can smell desperation a mile away. Show your personality and your quirks. Don't try to be what you think she wants, instead find the one that connects with who you are. Find someone who shares your passions or at least supports them.
 
Hello OkcPoly,

You might want to check and see if there are any local poly groups near you, google "Oklahoma polyamory" or "Oklahoma City polyamory" and see if anything turns up. It usually works better to get out there and meet people in person, than it does to use dating sites/apps, although it's probably a good idea to do both. As for what to say, yes simple is best, "I'm married but we are nonmonogamous," is a good way to start. Good luck in your poly searches!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hell NO! Worst advice ever. In some places this can get you thrown in jail and registered as a sex offender. If a woman asks then you send one but NEVER WITHOUT CONSENT!
100% agree. Consent 100% of the time. I did NOT advise it for the record. The entire "side note" was observational only :)

Its unfortunate that there are people who aren't concerned with that and like non-consenting dick pics. That was more my point.

I wonder if its illegal in canada yet *runs to look at law*, I would be surprised if it wasn't.

[edit] wow it isn't.. I am shocked, we have laws for everything
 
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To say they work 100% of the time is beyond an over statement. If I get one it's an automatic block and same with all of my female friends. Women have to wade through tons of creepy guys that only want to bang and have no personality and this can get you on the fast list of losers.
wow fuck I miswrote that, I can understand why that reads the way it was interpreted. sorry. To rephrase (and I will fix)

If dick pics didn't work a small percentage of the time, on a small percentage of people, the practice would go away completely.
 
One of my exes swore by How to Win Friends and Influence People.
That is a vile little book that tells you how to say what people want to hear in order to get what you want from them. It should be burned, then banned.
 
That is a vile little book that tells you how to say what people want to hear in order to get what you want from them. It should be burned, then banned.
Oh, I didn't know that. I've not read it myself. Thanks for the review!
 
Oh, I didn't know that. I've not read it myself. Thanks for the review!
The book is actually well written and does have useful information in it, but the information in it can be dangerous if a person is predisposed toward narcissism. I probably shouldn't blame the book itself because it would be like blaming guns for murders.
 
The book is actually well written and does have useful information in it, but the information in it can be dangerous if a person is predisposed toward narcissism. I probably shouldn't blame the book itself because it would be like blaming guns for murders.
Interesting history. I didn't know the book was that old. This type of book is super handy in business, especially if you have never had to navigate a budget season with 3 disparate key stakeholders holding a purse string.

Warrent Buffet is a proponent
Charles manson used the methodology to manipulate people to kill for him
Missionaries have used the methodology to gain leniency from captors.

Fascinating.
 
Interesting history. I didn't know the book was that old.
1936!
This type of book is super handy in business, especially if you have never had to navigate a budget season with 3 disparate key stakeholders holding the purse strings.

Warren Buffet is a proponent
Charles Manson used the methodology to manipulate people to kill for him
Missionaries have used the methodology to gain leniency from captors
Wow, I thought Dale Carnegie was the multi-millionaire steel magnate, or at least related to him. But Andrew Carnegie was already hugely successful and rich when Dale Carnegey spoke at Carnegie Hall (motivational speaking was Dale's forte) and Dale decided to change the spelling of his last name to be more associated with the multi-millionaire! Sneaky, sneaky. Fooled me!

Fun fact: I applied to Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh PA and was not accepted. lol I guess I was too much of a slacker hippie at the time.
 
1936!

Wow, I thought Dale Carnegie was the multi-millionaire steel magnate, or at least related to him. But Andrew Carnegie was already hugely successful and rich when Dale Carnegey spoke at Carnegie Hall (motivational speaking was Dale's forte) and Dale decided to change the spelling of his last name to be more associated with the multi-millionaire! Sneaky, sneaky. Fooled me!

Fun fact: I applied to Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh PA and was not accepted. lol I guess I was too much of a slacker hippie at the time.
Storied past on that book right down to the author.

I might need to get it just to see, a) I am in business.. so there is that, but b) 1936. The AA book in original print is from that era (1938) and the language in some chapters is... fascinating (disgusting)... I wonder if the language has been updated to be less 1930's.
 
Storied past on that book right down to the author.

I might need to get it just to see, a) I am in business.. so there is that, but b) 1936. The AA book in original print is from that era (1938) and the language in some chapters is... fascinating (disgusting)... I wonder if the language has been updated to be less 1930's.
I've read so many old books (going back to Homer's Odyssey, a thorough triple read of the Bible, and other ancient texts), and seen so many old movies, that outdated, "offensive" language is just something I accept. It can be hard, however, to find applicable wisdom in the midst of the patriarchal bullshit. But it's kind of fascinating and enriching to see how views can change. We always tend to think our current era is "right," when really, it's partly just a matter of fashion and laziness.

I am sorry we have taken this thread way off topic!
 
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