New to the thread but not new to the lifestyle

A

AhniDisTrouble

New member
Hey y'all!

My name is Ahni. I've been poly most of my life. I'm looking to make connections with people that I feel like I can relate to. I am married to an amazing man, but he is not poly at all. I do also have an addiction to sex. I have it under control at this time, but it has put a strain on my marriage.

My husband has been aware that I am poly since we started dating in 2012. We had an agreement that if I am only with women then we are good, I didn't want to be with another man.

Over the last 8 or so months I have been finding myself being attracted to men as well as women. And with my addictions I had poor judgement and reached out to other men without my husband's knowledge. Although I love my husband very very much, I still have this need to experience what I'm feeling.

I am looking for other poly women who may have similar situations as myself, so we can be each other's support, because I don't have that currently. I know this is a lot, so I'm just here. Thanks for reading.
 
Welcome to the board. I'm moving your thread to the Poly Relationships Corner, since you're seeking feedback.

Leaving your so-called sex addiction out of it, what you and your husband agreed to was a OPP, a one-penis policy. This idea is pretty common with formerly mono couples. We live in a sexist society and many men are loathe to "share their woman" with other men. They feel the other men are more of a threat to their masculinity than another woman would be. In fact, two women having sex is something men are okay with being stimulated by, while their wife/partner having sex with another guy would make them a "cuckold" in a sexist misogynist society.

This agreement might have been fine with you when you first made it, but obviously now it's time to renegotiate. Whether you're sex-addicted or not, cheating and lying is never okay. It's time to just be upfront and tell your husband that you are no longer okay with the OPP and want to date men as well. Whatever your husband feels about that (threatened, uncomfortable, jealous, afraid) are his own emotions to deal with.

You can do a search here for the term "one penis policy" to see how others have dealt with this issue.
 
@Magdlyn thank you for your feedback. I am definently struggling getting my point across and I have not cheated physically but I have thought about it a lot. Hopefully I can't find a way to come across clearly but be sensitive to how he feels about everything.
 
Hello Ahni,

It sounds like your interest/attraction in/to other men is not something you originally thought would happen. Now it has happened, and you have to think of a way to explain your feelings to your husband. Perhaps the thing to say is, "Honey, I originally agreed to only be with women, because I thought I'd never want to be with men, but now I am starting to want to be with men as well as women. Can we talk about that?" I don't know how strong your husband's feelings are on this topic, but it's something you and he need to talk about.

I hope Polyamory.com helps.
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Ahni,

It sounds like your interest/attraction in/to other men is not something you originally thought would happen. Now it has happened, and you have to think of a way to explain your feelings to your husband. Perhaps the thing to say is, "Honey, I originally agreed to only be with women, because I thought I'd never want to be with men, but now I am starting to want to be with men as well as women. Can we talk about that?" I don't know how strong your husband's feelings are on this topic, but it's something you and he need to talk about.

I hope Polyamory.com helps.
Kevin T.
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Thank you for your response! I really appreciate your thoughts on this
 
No problem, glad if I could help.
 
Welcome.

I could be wrong in my impressions, but you sound like you are feeling reflective and eventually want to talk to husband. Are you able to articulate what you need, so the conversation can go as clearly and as well as possible?

I am definitely struggling getting my point across. I have not cheated physically, but I have thought about it a lot. Hopefully I can find a way to come across clearly but be sensitive to how he feels about everything.
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Thinking about dating other men is not cheating on any agreements.

Is it that you need your husband to see you, and understand you as a "whole" bisexual person, not like he only sees or only wants to acknowledge the "parts" of you he can deal with, which makes you feel like you have to hide other "parts," or like he doesn't really want to know all of you?

Just being attracted to and interested in men doesn't mean you are going to jump up and cheat on your relationship agreements with husband. Is it that you need to be trusted? Is it that you want more emotional intimacy with husband where you can feel safe sharing your feelings? Is it that you want more mental intimacy with husband where you can feel safe sharing your thoughts?

You aren't a lesbian. You are bisexual. Is it that you are okay with current agreements, but need to know he's okay with renegotiating them if over time, you DO become interested in dating both men and women? You need to know he's actually doing his side of the work and not just avoiding it or procrastinating?

Or does it bother you that husband doesn't unpack his baggage? Whatever his issues with men/misogyny/jealousy/fear or whatever else it might be underneath the hood... he doesn't carry his baggage, he gives it to you to carry so he doesn't have to carry it or unpack it? Like, it's HIS issue, but then YOU agree to do self-limiting behavior so he never has to confront it? Even though you are bisexual, attracted to both men and women, you have to carry his burden by not opening that box ever. And you are tired of carrying it. Is something like that going on?

I might be guessing wrong. Maybe you need something else. I encourage you to reflect on what it is you actually need. Maybe it's a combo of things. Then you can ask husband if he might be willing to start doing X, or stop doing Y, so your need is better met.

Some of your needs, like for support, community, poly friends, you seem to be aware of. You also seem to be aware that you can solve your social wellness needs yourself by joining groups and meeting people. Good you took a first step joining and talking here. Maybe there are local poly groups to join, so you can also have local poly friends, not to date them, but to have people who know what it is to be poly.

Are there other needs you have to address yourself?

Galagirl
 
Yes to all of it. I always had a huge problem expressing myself correctly. Although I haven't cheated physically, I have had communication with other men in an inappropriate manner (that Husband was not pleased with). My addiction was out of hand at that time and me going to group and therapy has helped me tremendously.
Also while in therapy I learned that I have become attracted to men. And me wanting that communication with other men might spiral if I either get my way or have some sort of healthy outlet.
I have expressed the urge to seek out men but I have never lost interest in women. He completely shut me down. His reason is because it breaks his heart just thinking of me being with other men. I understand his sentiment because he is mono as well as his insecurities (trauma from previous relationships) but I don't think I am getting the same courtesy.
I truly have been trying to explain but its not getting anywhere and I am left here to my own devices. No outlet, no healthy coping mechanisms. Just me and my wandering thoughts.
 
You sound like you are dealing with the sex addiction part in therapy. But what about the relationship model?

If this never changes... does it mean you and husband are no longer compatible as partners?

Because he wants strict monogamy or a limited "monogamish" thing where you share love + sex only with him, and once in a while you share casual sex only with just women? No sharing love + sex with them. And def no other men at all?

And you want fully polyamory where you can date any gender you are attracted to and develop full relationships with those folks when you share both love + sex with them?

Galagirl
 
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Well, it must hurt if he's willing to let you date other women, but not men. He's allowed his boundaries ("If you insist on dating other men, I will leave you.") But you are allowed your own boundaries, and to respect your own needs and desires. ("I am polyamorous and bisexual, and I feel I need to share my love with more than one man, and/or more than one woman.")

I see you've been with Husband for 12 years. He's always known and allowed for you to be polyamorous, despite your sex addiction. Addiction meaning you couldn't stop thinking about sex, having sex, planning on your next sex session, lost time with Hubs, time at work, time with family, spent too much money on dating, hid your various psychological issues from yourself by losing yourself in sex?

I am glad therapy and group meetings have helped.

The fact remains that you are poly and want to share love and sex with men as well as women. The only way you can do this is to:
1) Get hubs to agree to remain with you when you date men
2) Leave hubs
3) Cheat

Mono/poly relationships can be hard to sustain. You could leave hubs to his mono life and go and find yourself poly friends and lovers, honoring yourself, putting yourself first, not putting the marriage first. There's such a thing as being too loyal, to your own detriment.

Have you talked about the differences between ethical non-monogamy and cheating with your therapist or group?
Of the difference between sex addiction and simple infatuation (which can turn into love)?
Of the unfairness of being with a person who isn't okay with you being romantically drawn to men, while it's okay to be with women?

As a personal anecdote, when my ex-husband and I first decided to open our relationship, it was supposed to be so I could explore my bisexuality. We were typical unicorn hunters, thinking we could share one woman. But we met a woman, and hubs and she fell in love, and she wasn't interested in me. Being bi, moving on from that initial disappointment, I said I should be free to date men and women. My ex said no, I could only date women. (I guess he thought he should've been enough man for me.) But he, being straight, could date the sex he was attracted to. (I guess I wasn't enough woman for him. Actually, no, he fell out of love with me when he fell for her, as he WAS monogamous.)

The funny thing was, his new gf told him he was being unfair, about me only being "allowed" to date women. And once she said it, it was okay. Because he was infatuated with her, she was right, whereas when I'd said the same thing, I was wrong. What a bunch of bull that was, huh? One more reason he's my ex.
 
GalaGirl said:
You sound like you are dealing with the sex addiction part in therapy. But what about the relationship model?

If this never changes... does it mean you and husband are no longer compatible as partners?

Because he wants strict monogamy (you just date him) or a limited "monogamish" thing where you share love + sex only with him, and once in a while share casual sex only with just women? No sharing love with them. And def no other men at all?

And you want fully polyamory where you can date any gender you are attracted to and develop full relationships with those folks when you share both love + sex with them?

Galagirl
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We are definently in couples counseling too and he is getting a lot of his chest.
I'm still very much in love and sexually attracted to my husband. He is my person.
He doesn't want strictly monogamous relationship because he knows that I will leave despite how much I love him. So he is ok with me being with women in and outside of our bedroom.
Currently I am having the urge to experience being fully poly and I am currently being restricted to being with other women.
 
AhniDisTrouble said:
We are definitely in couples counseling too, and he is getting a lot off his chest.
I'm still very much in love and sexually attracted to my husband.
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That's fine.
AhniDisTrouble said:
He is my person.
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But if you're poly, you can have more than one special person. That's pretty much the definition of polyamory.
AhniDisTrouble said:
He doesn't want strictly monogamous relationship because he knows that I will leave despite how much I love him. So he is ok with me being with women in and outside of our bedroom.
Click to expand...
Again, that's sexist. That shows he's not assured of his own manhood and worth.
AhniDisTrouble said:
Currently I am having the urge to experience being fully poly and I am currently being restricted to being with other women.
Click to expand...
You can love your husband, but not agree to let him make rules for you. You might have internalized misogynistic ideas. He's not your father, your teacher, or a cop or judge. He's your equal. He doesn't get to tell you how to live. He doesn't get to decide that you limit yourself to live by his rules.

He doesn't get to lead you. This is 2024, not 1824.

It's a trite saying, but sometimes love is not enough.
 
Magdlyn said:
Well, it must hurt if he's willing to let you date other women, but not men. He's allowed his boundaries ("If you insist on dating other men, I will leave you.") But you are allowed your own boundaries, and to respect your own needs and desires. ("I am polyamorous and bisexual, and I feel I need to share my love with more than one man, and/or more than one woman.")

I see you've been with Husband for 12 years. He's always known and allowed for you to be polyamorous, despite your sex addiction. Addiction meaning you couldn't stop thinking about sex, having sex, planning on your next sex session, lost time with Hubs, time at work, time with family, spent too much money on dating, hid your various psychological issues from yourself by losing yourself in sex?

I am glad therapy and group meetings have helped.

The fact remains that you are poly and want to share love and sex with men as well as women. The only way you can do this is to:
1) Get hubs to agree to remain with you when you date men
2) Leave hubs
3) Cheat

Mono/poly relationships can be hard to sustain. You could leave hubs to his mono life and go and find yourself poly friends and lovers, honoring yourself, putting yourself first, not putting the marriage first. There's such a thing as being too loyal, to your own detriment.

Have you talked about the differences between ethical non-monogamy and cheating with your therapist or group?
Of the difference between sex addiction and simple infatuation (which can turn into love)?
Of the unfairness of being with a person who isn't okay with you being romantically drawn to men, while it's okay to be with women?

As a personal anecdote, when my ex-husband and I first decided to open our relationship, it was supposed to be so I could explore my bisexuality. We were typical unicorn hunters, thinking we could share one woman. But we met a woman, and hubs and she fell in love, and she wasn't interested in me. Being bi, moving on from that initial disappointment, I said I should be free to date men and women. My ex said no, I could only date women. (I guess he thought he should've been enough man for me.) But he, being straight, could date the sex he was attracted to. (I guess I wasn't enough woman for him. Actually, no, he fell out of love with me when he fell for her, as he WAS monogamous.)

The funny thing was, his new gf told him he was being unfair, about me only being "allowed" to date women. And once she said it, it was okay. Because he was infatuated with her, she was right, whereas when I'd said the same thing, I was wrong. What a bunch of bull that was, huh? One more reason he's my ex.
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I want to be able to articulate my needs better because I don't think he understands where I am coming from. He always says that if we were to have a girlfriend there would be an hierarchy, because he will always have me on the highest standard to anyone that comes into our relationship. Which I respect, however, I didn't have the same sentiment exactly... I know I can more than 1 individual the same amount but differently. But men are just a hard no and I understand it but I'm having a hard time accepting it.
 
AhniDisTrouble said:
I want to be able to articulate my needs better because I don't think he understands where I am coming from. He always says that if we were to have a girlfriend there would be an hierarchy, because he will always have me on the highest standard to anyone that comes into our relationship. Which I respect, however, I didn't have the same sentiment exactly... I know I can more than 1 individual the same amount but differently. But men are just a hard no and I understand it but I'm having a hard time accepting it.
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And there is actually no reason for you to "accept it," is my point.
 
I'm glad you two are in couple's counseling.

Not being mean or anything here, just trying to help you process/articulate... gently... to me, it sounds like you are in anticipatory grief, in the "bargaining" stage, thinking that if you explain it "just right," he will finally understand and get it, and become ok with full poly. Then you'd get to stay with him AND move on to practice full poly. Is that true?

He doesn't want a strictly monogamous relationship, because he knows that I will leave, despite how much I love him. So he is okay with me being with women in and outside of our bedroom.
Click to expand...

He's scared to break up, so he won't say that he actually wants and prefers strict monogamy? That IS what he actually wants and prefers, strict monogamy? But because he's scared you will break up with him, he's bending into pretzels, trying to give you just enough room so you stay and don't leave him. But that's still not enough for you, because you want full polyamory. You don't want to spend the rest of your life in a box and "on hold" waiting for him to arrive.

Is that true?

To me, it sounds like he's also struggling in the "bargaining stage," stuck between wanting to give you just enough so you stay, but not full poly. He doesn't actually want to be involved in full polyamory, but he's too scared to say it "out loud."

It looks like both of you are bending into pretzels here. Is that true?

Currently I am having the urge to experience being fully poly and I am currently being restricted to being with other women.
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I see that. You want full polyamory. You don't want these shared agreements any more -- the ones that limit you to casual sex with women only.

Fortunately, you are in the right place to address it -- in couple's counseling. Are you able to say in a session: "The current shared agreements don't work for me any more. I'm willing to renegotiate new ones. I'm not willing to keep these old ones anymore. Can we talk it out?"

Is your couple counselor experienced with polyamory/non-monogamy issues? If not, you could seek another one here:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

Galagirl
 
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Over a decade ago, a similar situation brought me to this forum.

I was dissatisfied in my marriage, feeling as if I had nothing to lose, I was willing to push my wants onto exhusband. First I wanted to date one particular woman. Then, when that ended, I wanted other women. Then I wanted men, too. Then I wanted him to move out. Etc...

Ultimately, it had nothing to do with being poly or not. I was simply no longer willing to give any more to that mismatched marriage, unwilling to compromise my own desires or exhibit self-control in any way. Yet I still loved my husband, & I wasn't brave enough to let go of him entirely. It lingered on for years after it should have ended.

Your husband is already compromising. Unfortunately, that will not be enough for you. If you're unwilling or unable to compromise, should he give up even MORE?

If he is monogamous, or at least, monoamorous, he wants to feel special to his partner, as if he is the only one (at least now, he's the only male in your life,) or the most special partner (an hierarchy with you as a couple at the top.) Yes, OPP and OVPs are illogical if you're bi-amorous. They're a way for one partner (usually the one reluctant to poly) to try to retain a bit of their special-ness.

Dig deep, decide where you want your energy: freedom to pursue multiple partners of any gender? Or your husband/marriage.

There is no wrong answer, except "Both."
 
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