Poly partner out of breakup and into NRE =waning sexual interest for me

[Geralt Of Rivia]

Hello!

I would like to know what people think about NRE taking away sexual interest from previous partners. After replying to another post, the gears in my head started turning quite fast on the topic.

My situation is that this happened to me before, with Leaf, my wife/nesting partner. When I started dating a new person, I still loved her and enjoyed every bit of being together, but for some time, around 6 months, I felt no sexual interest in Leaf. Leaf went through the same when she started dating a new person and was deep into NRE. Still, we are a long-time couple and we reconnected afterwards and sex is again part of our relationship.

I read a lot in other posts where people say that returning sexual interest in cases of NRE is in the lower percentage of possibilities, since usually those people who lose interest in existing partners don't get that interest back.

Also I read a lot that people tend to believe that if you lose sexual interest (not love) for existing partners then it means that you are not really poly, but some kind of adrenaline junkie.

To me, it sounds really strange as a concept. It kind of clashes heavily with the concept I believe in (might be the naivete of a poly newbie), that everybody can be poly and love and desire more than one person, but still it might just be that I have been lucky on that so far.

With me and Leaf, every time there is a new flame (which we are not searching for, or acting like NRE junkies), the sexual interest for the current partner fades for some time, but the rest stays the same, which always gave me a lot of security with Leaf.

Now I've recently gotten into a situation with another partner (Lillie) that shook my beliefs a bit. Lillie is quite new to polyamory, broke up two months ago with her other long-time partner after a lot of traumatic toxic behaviours from him. Mind you, she didn't break up because she started dating me, and even if we had NRE, she was managing well with the fact that my availability and the ex's one were of one to two days a week.

Now Lillie has met a new person and she is deep into NRE. On top of this, the new person (Will) can be more present (he is dating only Lillie and not splitting his attentions between different partners) and overall that makes it easier for the two of them to spend all the time they can together.

That was all good until Lillie and I had a talk recently where she told me that due to the breakup, she felt her feelings waning for everything happening around her, and especially sexual interest was hard for her to feel. Still, she is in NRE with Will, which also creates a shift in sexual interest that I can understand.

That said, I would like to know about your experiences with losing sexual interest for existing partners and regaining and if breakups ever affected your other relationships in any way.

Has anybody had the same experience like I had with Leaf?
Should I stay hopeful with Fox or just develop the relationship on other levels?
How do you manage the relationship with existing partners that you don't feel sexually involved with anymore and maybe forever?

I am also wondering, for the people that consider themselves poly and keep experiencing this waning sexual interest for existing partners that doesn't come back after some time, if it just happens that they always jump on the new ones, leaving the rest of their relationship still loving but without sex?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

When we talk about potential warning signs and red flags on this site, it doesn't mean this will always happen or there aren't exceptions to the rule.

It sounds like with Lillie, polyamory could have been a way to sustain her old toxic relationship and now she isn't in it, it might not make as much sense as it used to. That is the cautionary aspect here. You and Leaf seem like you know each other well.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Geralt Of Rivia,

Sometimes NRE adds to the desire we feel for our original partner. Other times it takes away from that desire. There could be any number of reasons for this. Possibly it could be because there was a problem in the original relationship, and the problem was not noticed until poly (and NRE) shined a light on it. It is counterintuitive to work on the original relationship while NRE is making us want to spend all our time with the new partner, but working on the original relationship is what we should do. Otherwise we are going to lose that relationship, and regret neglecting it after the NRE (in the new relationship) fades out.

You don't have to revive the sexual desire you and your original partner felt for each other, but you do have to address the problems that the original relationship had, that maybe you hadn't noticed before poly/NRE shined a light on them. You must aim for a healthy and loving relationship with your original partner, as well as with your new partner.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Geralt Of Rivia]

Hello Geralt Of Rivia,

Sometimes NRE adds to the desire we feel for our original partner. Other times it takes away from that desire. There could be any number of reasons for this. Possibly it could be because there was a problem in the original relationship, and the problem was not noticed until poly (and NRE) shined a light on it. It is counterintuitive to work on the original relationship while NRE is making us want to spend all our time with the new partner, but working on the original relationship is what we should do. Otherwise we are going to lose that relationship, and regret neglecting it after the NRE (in the new relationship) fades out.

You don't have to revive the sexual desire you and your original partner felt for each other, but you do have to address the problems that the original relationship had, that maybe you hadn't noticed before poly/NRE shined a light on them. You must aim for a healthy and loving relationship with your original partner, as well as with your new partner.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

That doesn't really match for me. With Lillie I have a solid relationship, we talked about it and there seem to be no problem from both sides, we liked having phisical intimacy. She also told me a few times that she doesn't understand this, I am still as interesting and she has the same need to see each other, but that what she feels is that NRE and the breakup are just taking too much space in her head right now and that is why the sexual interest is waning for us.
Which confuses me but I am trying to be supportive since my other partners are already satisfying my needs.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello!

I would like to know what people think about NRE taking away sexual interest from previous partners. After replying to another post, the gears in my head started turning quite fast on the topic.

My situation is that this happened to me before with Leaf my wife/nesting, when I started dating a new person, I still loved her and enjoyed every bit of being together, but for some time, around 6 months, I felt no sexual interest in Leaf. Leaf went through the same when she started dating a new person and was deep into NRE. Still we are a long-time couple and we reconnected afterwards and sex is again part of our relationship.

I read a lot in other posts where people say that returning sexual interest in cases of NRE is in the lower percentage of possibilities, since usually those people who lose interest in existing partners don't get that interest back.

Also I read a lot that people tend to believe that if you lose sexual interest (not love) for existing partners then it means that you are not really poly, but some kind of adrenaline junkie.

To me, it sounds really strange as a concept. It kind of clashes heavily with the concept I believe in (might be the naivete of a poly newbie), that everybody can be poly and love and desire more than one person, but still it might just be that I have been lucky on that so far.

With me and Leaf, every time there is a new flame (which we are not searching for, or acting like NRE junkies), the sexual interest for the current partner fades for some time but the rest stays the same, which always gave me a lot of security with Leaf.

Now I've recently gotten into a situation with another partner (Lillie) that shook my beliefs a bit. Lillie is quite new to polyamory, broke up two months ago with her other long-time partner after a lot of traumatic toxic behaviours from him. Mind you, she didn't break up because she started dating me, and even if we had NRE, she was managing well with the fact that my availability and the ex's one were of one to two days a week.

Now Lillie has met a new person and she is deep into NRE. On top of this, the new person (Will) can be more present (himself dating only Lillie and not splitting his attentions between different partners) and overall that makes it easier for the two of them to spend all the time they can together.

That was all good until me and Lillie had a talk recently where she told me that due to the breakup, she felt her feelings waning for everything happening around her, and especially sexual interest is hard for her to feel. Still, she is in NRE with Will, which also creates a shift in sexual interest that I can understand.

That said, I would like to know about your experiences with losing sexual interest for existing partners and regaining and if breakups ever affected your other relationships in any way.

Doesn't anybody have the same experience like I had with Leaf?
Should I stay hopeful with Fox or just develop the relationship on other levels?
How do you manage the relationship with existing partners that you don't feel sexually involved with anymore and maybe forever?

I am also wondering, for the people that consider themselves poly and keep experiencing this waning sexual interest for existing partners that doesn't come back after some time, if it just happens that they always jump on the new ones, leaving the rest of their relationship still loving but without sex?

It sounds like Lillie is a newer partner for you, and there was sexual interest, but already she's met another guy and has NRE for him, causing her NRE for you, if any, to fade ALREADY? Can you explain?

For me, looking back to 2009 when I finally became fully poly, I met a woman and my NRE for her was strong and wonderful. Soon after that, I met a couple guys and I had NRE for both of them as well! One of those relationships didn't last long, but the other two relationships continued and I had lot of energy/love/lust for both my gf and my male friend, that lasted for a couple of years for both. I am still with my gf, and have a longish-distance friendly relationship with the guy to this day (in 2024).

 

[Ariakas]

Honestly, I have been pondering this as well. No real evidence in my life but I feel like this is possible. Especially since new relationships can foster more flirting digitally, which may cause a redirection of desire.

 

[Geralt Of Rivia]

It sounds like Lillie is a newer partner for you, and there was sexual interest, but already she's met another guy and has NRE for him, causing her NRE for you, if any, to fade ALREADY? Can you explain?

For me, looking back to 2009 when I finally became fully poly, I met a woman and my NRE for her was strong and wonderful. Soon after that, I met a couple guys and I had NRE for both of them as well! One of those relationships didn't last long, but the other two relationships continued and I had lot of energy/love/lust for both my gf and my male friend. The lasted for a couple of years for both. I am still with my gf, and have a longish-distance friendly relationship with the guy to this day (in 2024).

Yes, she had NRE for me and now her sexual focus is redirected.

Idk, the whole thing makes me feel a bit like shit. Even though I don't see my value in the physical attraction that the other partners have for me, seeing such a quick shift, while before that she was telling me how close physically she felt, and without anything going wrong or bad between us, feels like not being the shiny new thing anymore, or even worth it. Still I am trying to not give too much space to those thoughts and give her space.

I think here I am trying to figure out if other people ever found themselves in the position Lilly is in right now, and if they felt interest again in their previous partners after the NRE subsided. (Also to figure out if Leaf and I worked like that because we had a longer stable relationship.)

I guess I am looking for some kind of reassurance, or to figure out if this is a huge red flag and I should get out of it, as much as it would hurt and as much as I would miss all the rest, because maybe it's connected to something deeper which would also affect the other parts of our relationships that I enjoy.

 

[Evie]

I don't think there's a blanket answer on this one. For some people, once the initial rush is over, it's over for good. For others, there will be a circling back around. There's just no predicting the future between you and Lilly. Sorry, I know that's not reassuring, but it's not a red flag, either. I'd suggest you base your decisions about what works for you on how you feel about things, not how you think she feels about things.

 

[Magdlyn]

The thing is, you and your wife were no longer in NRE when you opened your marriage and started dating others. After 6-18 months of frequent contact, NRE will fade. Then you either break up, or realize you really are in love (not just infatuated) and have an attraction that is not just a result of being something new and shiny. You are long-term compatible.

So even though your sex life dropped off for a bit when you both met new people, once the NRE for them wore off, you and Leaf felt renewed desire for each other. I call this "established relationship intimacy," ERI. You trusted each other, and your comfort with each other actually sparked your libidos. If you fall out of love with an established partner soon after getting the NRE kick, you're either not poly, or the established partner and you have grown apart, or are no longer compatible; perhaps you were only still together out of habit, or fear of change.

Now, I can't say what's going on with your new partner, to have had NRE for you, but lost it as soon as she met the next person. Maybe she wasn't that into you after all. I had that happen to me once. I was dating a guy (call him Jim) who was a good FWB; he and I had some fun. But he really didn't check all my boxes. (However, unfortunately, he had told me he loved me.) After a few months I met a new guy (Bob), and he was just so much righter for me in so many ways. And since I also had a long-term (female) nesting partner, after a couple months I lost interest in Jim and had to break up with him. I usually get polysaturated with just two partners, and I couldn't put enough energy into a long-term partner, a FWB and the new more compatible guy.

 

[Ariakas]

The thing is, you and your wife were no longer in NRE when you opened your marriage and started dating others. After 6-18 months of frequent contact, NRE will fade. Then you either break up, or realize you really are in love (not just infatuated) and have an attraction that is not just a result of being something new and shiny. You are long-term compatible.

This topic has me curious. What happens if the NRE drop is mismatched. I am kind of suffering through this now, where my NRE is still piqued and hers is dead. I no longer get cute messages, or good mornings or good nights, I have to initiate everything.

She loves me
I love her

But without the infatuation this relationship is hurting since I am chasing and she isn't receptive. I have to initiate everything, which makes me feel a little less desirable.

Its a fascinating topic because to get to the stage of ERI, you both mutually need to have NRE die at the same time. At least in my case.

Your concept around ERI is a fascinating one, I need to figure out how to get there so the mismatch doesn't hurt.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

That's more about love languages than NRE to me.

 

[Magdlyn]

This topic has me curious. What happens if the NRE drop is mismatched? I am kind of suffering through this now, where my NRE is still piqued and hers is dead. I no longer get cute messages, or good mornings or good nights, I have to initiate everything.

She loves me
I love her

But without the infatuation this relationship is hurting since I am chasing and she isn't receptive. I have to initiate everything, which makes me feel a little less desirable.

In the case of my gf/partner Pixi, her NRE did drop off really early. It only lasted about three months! For her, her feelings for me morphed into more mature love that soon. Two qualities of NRE are:
frequent sex
anxiety

Her libido is naturally not as high as mine, so I was disappointed that her desire for the amount of sex with me that I had for her dropped off. As I addressed elsewhere, luckily we were poly and I was finding plenty of other people to date and have intense sex with. But it was tough, I'm not gonna lie. I desired HER. I remember the first time I visited her, 3 months into dating, and she didn't want to immediately get naked and hit the sheets.

This is something that has never changed. I've had to deal with this all along. I can initiate, or suggest, but I've been rejected a LOT, sexually. I never doubt her love though. (I'm pretty sure her low libido is related to her hormones, anti-anxiety meds and ADHD, so I don't take it personally.)

As for the NRE anxiety around our relationship, that dropped off for both of us early on, because it was so obvious we were super into each other, getting together every week for a long weekend.

It's a fascinating topic, because to get to the stage of ERI, you both mutually need to have NRE die at the same time. At least in my case.

No, it can drop off at different times.

Your concept around ERI is a fascinating one, I need to figure out how to get there so the mismatch doesn't hurt.

As Seasoned said, maybe it's more of a love languages mismatch for you and A.

 

[Geralt Of Rivia]

Well, short update about Lillie and me-- we broke up for good. I feel awful, but big learning from this is to not keep a relationship with emotionally unavailable people with the hope it will get better. It doesn't.

 

[Evie]

I'm glad you did what you needed, for your wellbeing.

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, short update about Lillie and me-- we broke up for good. I feel awful, but big learning from this is to not keep a relationship with emotionally unavailable people with the hope it will get better. It doesn't.

I'm sorry it had to end this way.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't think there is one answer for all. It's largely personal experience.

I think breaking up was the right thing to do. You were just not compatible/not what you seek. But I'm sorry to hear it didn't pan out. Take care of yourself as you heal from the break up.

If it might still help you any, I'll answer from my POV.

I read a lot in other posts where people say that returning sexual interest in cases of NRE is in the lower percentage of possibilities, since usually those people who lose interest in existing partners don't get that interest back.

That might be someone else's experience. But it isn't mine. I maintain interest. I'm actually in the camp that does NOT like NRE. Parts of it are fun and all "wheeee!" but most of it is a drag -- like I'm on drugs. There are intrusive or distracting thoughts of the new person. I find all that annoying when I want to be doing something else.

I like old relationship energy/established relationship energy more than new relationship energy. It is founded in facts, lived experience, actuality.

NRE is fun but it's too new. There is a lot of brain chemistry. It's distracting and unreliable.

Also I read a lot that people tend to believe that if you lose sexual interest (not love) for existing partners then it means that you are not really poly, but some kind of adrenaline junkie.

There ARE people like that, who seek adrenalin or dopamine. They go from person to person like a bumblebee goes from flower to flower, just chasing the NRE high. They may or may not be poly as well, but they are definitely seeking stimulus. So long as they are up front with people about it, what's wrong with short-term relationships like that, if all consent to it?

To me, it sounds really strange as a concept. It kind of clashes heavily with the concept I believe in (might be the naivete of a poly newbie), that everybody can be poly and love and desire more than one person, but still it might just be that I have been lucky on that so far.

No, in practice not "everyone" can do healthy poly. They might be WILLING, but perhaps not actually ABLE, because they have things to heal, or skills to develop first. Or it could go the other way-- they are totally ABLE, just not WILLING, because they have other demands on their time, other responsibilities.

With me and Leaf, every time there is a new flame (which we are not searching for, or acting like NRE junkies), the sexual interest for the current partner fades for some time, but the rest stays the same, which always gave me a lot of security with Leaf.

It sounds like Leaf is a "tried and true" hinge. You know what to expect from Leaf, even if they are dating new people.

Meanwhile Lillie/Fox was an untried hinge. When you started dating her, she came with the old BF, so you hadn't experienced Lillie/Fox in NRE until she started dating the new person, Will. You didn't know yet how she would handle herself as a poly hinge. You didn't have lived experience with her, like, "Oh, they always get NRE-goofy like that. They calm down after four months or so," to remind you/help you.

Because of their schedule (Will + Lillie/Fox) get to spend a lot of time together right now, in their NRE bubble. It was your first time watching Lillie/Fox in NRE. Basically you will find out over time if Lillie can balance dating both you and Will once, past NRE, or not, and if you can deal with it or not. You learned that in this case it was best ended.

How do you manage the relationship with existing partners that you don't feel sexually involved with anymore and maybe forever?

Who is this for you? Leaf? Lillie/Fox?

I am also wondering, for the people that consider themselves poly and keep experiencing this waning sexual interest for existing partners that doesn't come back after some time, if it just happens that they always jump on the new ones, leaving the rest of their relationship still loving but without sex?

Hard pass. If a relationship needs to end, I'm ending it. If it needs to change to friends only, I'm asking to change it. And if the other person doesn't want to be exes and friends, and prefers "plain exes," I'm ok with that.

Polyamory isn't "never break up," like I have to have this string of exes, or blah relationships trailing behind me. I only have so much time and energy. I'm not into maintaining meh connections. I do not keep up with meh family, meh friends, meh romantic relationships.

She feels is that NRE and the breakup are just taking too much space in her head right now and that is why the sexual interest is waning for us, which confuses me, but I am trying to be supportive, since my other partners are already satisfying my needs.

In the sense that all things are possible, it's possible she had too many things on her mind to focus on NRE with you. She sounded caught up in her break up with the ex, and then the NRE with Will, who she spends a lot of time with. Was the ex taking up a lot of time?

I have an ADHD kid. They struggle to keep up with people/object permanence with their neurodivergent presentation. Whatever is in front of them is what they will focus on. They struggle with time management.

Could Lillie be ND of some kind? Then it would make sense to me if she has similar struggles.

If the ex is doing all these sad calls or sad emails, that takes up time and energy and they are on the front burner still.

If Will is also doing a lot of calls, emails, texts, dates? That takes up time and energy and they are on the front burner still.

Meanwhile, if dates with you were happening less often, if it were my kid, they'd forget you exist until they remember you exist again. My kid likes their other ADHD friend, who is similar. They don't get upset or offended if things lapse. They just pick up where they left off and give each other some ND grace on "falling off the radar."

But if you were still getting to know Lillie, I could see where it would bother you if you weren't getting the time/attention you hoped to have. I could see making the call and just ending things because it wasn't especially fulfilling for you. That's a fair call to make.

Galagirl

 

[Geralt Of Rivia]

I don't think there is one answer for all. It's largely personal experience.

I think breaking up was the right thing to do. Just not compatible/not what you seek. But I'm sorry to hear it didn't pan out. Take care of yourself as you heal from the break up.

If it might still help you any? I'll answer from my POV.



That might be someone else's experience. But it isn't mine. I maintain interest. I'm actually in the camp that does NOT like NRE. Parts of it are fun and all "wheeee!" But most of it is a drag -- like I'm on drugs and there's intrusive or distracting thoughts of the new person. I find all that annoying when I want to be doing something else.

I like old relationship energy/established relationship energy more than new relationship energy. It is founded in facts, lived experience, actuality.

NRE is fun but it's too new, a lot of brain chemistry, distracting, and unreliable.



There ARE people like that. Seeking adrenalin or dopamine. Like they go from person to person like a bumblebee goes from flower to flower. Just chasing the NRE high. They may or may not be poly as well, but they def seek the stimulus.

And so long as they are up front with people about it - what's wrong with short term relationships like that if all consent to it?



No. In practice not "everyone" can do healthy poly. They might be WILLING, but perhaps not actually ABLE because they have things to heal first or skills to develop first. Or it could go the other way -- they are totally ABLE. Just not WILLING because they have other demands on their time, other responsibilities.



Sounds like Leaf is a "tried and true" hinge and you know what to expect from Leaf even if they are dating new people.

Meanwhile Lillie/Fox was an untried hinge. When you started dating her she came with the old BF so you hadn't experience Lillie/Fox in NRE until she started dating new person Will. You didn't know yet how she would handle herself as a poly hinge. You didn't have lived experience with her like "Oh, they always get NRE goofy like that. They calm down after about 4 mos or so" to remind you/help you.

Because of their schedule (Will + Lillie/Fox) get to spend a lot of time together right now in the NRE bubble. It was the first time watching Lillie/Fox in NRE. Basically you will find out over if Lillie can balance dating both you and Will once past NRE or not. And if you can deal with it or not. You learned that in this case? Best ended.



Who is this for you? Leaf? Lillie/Fox?



Hard pass. If a relationship needs to end, I'm ending it. If it needs to change to friends only, I'm asking to change it and if the other person doesn't want to be exes and friends and prefers "plain ex" I'm ok with that.

Polyamory isn't "never break up" like I have to have this string of exes or blah relationships trailing behind me. I only have so much time and energy. I'm not into maintaining meh connections.

I do not keep up with meh family, meh friends, meh romantic relationships.




In the sense that all things are possible? It's possible she had too many things on her mind to focus on NRE with you. She sounded caught up in her break up with the ex and then the NRE with Will who she spends a lot of time with. Was the ex taking up a lot of time?

I have an ADHD kid. They struggle to keep up with people/object permanence with their neurodivergent presentation. Whatever is in front of them is what they will focus on. They struggle with time management.

Could Lillie be ND of some kind? Then it would make sense to me if she has struggles with similar.

If the ex is doing all these sad calls or sad emails? That takes up time and energy and they are on the front burner still.

If Will is also doing a lot of calls, emails, texts, dates? That takes up time and energy and they are on the front burner still.

Meanwhile if dates with you were less often? If it was my kid? They'd forget you exist until they remember you exist again. Kid likes their other ADHD friend who is similar. They don't get upset or offended if things lapse. They just pick up where they left off and give each other some ND grace on "falling off the radar."

But if you were still getting to know Lillie, I could see where it would bother you if you aren't getting the time/attention you hoped to have. I could see making the call and just ending things because it wasn't esp fulfulling for you. That's a fair call to make.

Galagirl

Thanks for your view!
I also don't like NRE when it happens to me, as I also don't like the feeling of being drunk or high because it takes away from my ability to function and focus on everything I like.

Surely Lillie is willing to be poly but also doesn't have experience, which was a worry on my side that then turned out to be a reality.

I wish I could know how Lillie processes NRE, she doesn't know either herself. Knowing that things would fall back to normal would surely give perspective.
In a way the reason we split up is that she doesn't know how long it will take her to recenter herself, if ever, ans she doesn't want me to hang around until that happens, and I don't want that either.

The question about how people manage relationships where they don't feel phisical attraction was more an open question to people that feel that, I was trying to understand if that is something that works for people to see mayne if that could have been an approach for Lillie.

Yes Lillie has ADHD, and surely that is also connected to all this, I saw somewhere that also ADHD people particularly enjoy the NRE high. Still I wouldn't say she acts like you are describing your kid.
She was present, she didn't forget about me. She was checking in often, sending texts, being committed to our day a week together etc. It just turned more into a really close relaxed connection(more close friends like) with cuddles and kisses if that makes sense. Which to me is still something that I enjoy but for her it was stressing her out since she kept feeling like not a good partner.

I can't even say it was bothering me how things were going, it was more not understanding where things were going.
I am totally for relationship anarchy, but too much confusion doesn't equal to that.

 

[Marushka]

Hello!

I would like to know what people think about NRE taking away sexual interest from previous partners. After replying to another post, the gears in my head started turning quite fast on the topic.

My situation is that this happened to me before, with Leaf, my wife/nesting partner. When I started dating a new person, I still loved her and enjoyed every bit of being together, but for some time, around 6 months, I felt no sexual interest in Leaf. Leaf went through the same when she started dating a new person and was deep into NRE. Still, we are a long-time couple and we reconnected afterwards and sex is again part of our relationship.

I read a lot in other posts where people say that returning sexual interest in cases of NRE is in the lower percentage of possibilities, since usually those people who lose interest in existing partners don't get that interest back.

Also I read a lot that people tend to believe that if you lose sexual interest (not love) for existing partners then it means that you are not really poly, but some kind of adrenaline junkie.

To me, it sounds really strange as a concept. It kind of clashes heavily with the concept I believe in (might be the naivete of a poly newbie), that everybody can be poly and love and desire more than one person, but still it might just be that I have been lucky on that so far.

With me and Leaf, every time there is a new flame (which we are not searching for, or acting like NRE junkies), the sexual interest for the current partner fades for some time, but the rest stays the same, which always gave me a lot of security with Leaf.

Now I've recently gotten into a situation with another partner (Lillie) that shook my beliefs a bit. Lillie is quite new to polyamory, broke up two months ago with her other long-time partner after a lot of traumatic toxic behaviours from him. Mind you, she didn't break up because she started dating me, and even if we had NRE, she was managing well with the fact that my availability and the ex's one were of one to two days a week.

Now Lillie has met a new person and she is deep into NRE. On top of this, the new person (Will) can be more present (he is dating only Lillie and not splitting his attentions between different partners) and overall that makes it easier for the two of them to spend all the time they can together.

That was all good until Lillie and I had a talk recently where she told me that due to the breakup, she felt her feelings waning for everything happening around her, and especially sexual interest was hard for her to feel. Still, she is in NRE with Will, which also creates a shift in sexual interest that I can understand.

That said, I would like to know about your experiences with losing sexual interest for existing partners and regaining and if breakups ever affected your other relationships in any way.

Has anybody had the same experience like I had with Leaf?
Should I stay hopeful with Fox or just develop the relationship on other levels?
How do you manage the relationship with existing partners that you don't feel sexually involved with anymore and maybe forever?

I am also wondering, for the people that consider themselves poly and keep experiencing this waning sexual interest for existing partners that doesn't come back after some time, if it just happens that they always jump on the new ones, leaving the rest of their relationship still loving but without sex?

Hi, It can be very confusing, especially in a society where we think that a good long-term relationship must be sexual. We go through different stages of life, and our polarity with our partners fluctuates. I find that forcing myself into sexual contact to maintain "a healthy relationship" is not healthy at all. I love and adore my primary partner, and I'm ok if we are not sexual all the time. I'm here for a long run, and not having sex opened new, surprising forms of intimacy.