I've always been interested in other women but I'm unsure

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naenae1989

New member
I have been with my husband 26 years and, of course, he always says, "Sure, you can have a girlfriend, if I can watch," but I'm not certain that is what I want. I'd like to explore this option with just another woman and myself to see if a poly relationship is something I'd even like to do.

I have no clue how to approach this from a physical, emotional and health aspect. I don't want to introduce another woman if I am not interested because I don't want to upset anyone if it doesn't feel right. Help.
 
Well, from what you've written, I'm sure you don't want use a woman for his voyeurism, unless you're open for swinger clubs/groups, or hiring a sex worker. But as you said, you're not really wanting him involved at all.

But it sounds like he won't agree to you exploring an emotional and physical relationship with a woman by yourself.

So you're either stuck with monogamy, or you leave him to be able to explore your attraction to women. Or you can try and talk him around, but honestly, you're likely to find he strongly objects to not being present and you having that autonomy over yourself. You've been his wife for a long time, sharing you on any level more than for his pornographic pleasure is unlikely to sit well with his values of marriage.

Please don't accidentally treat an unsuspecting woman as a sex toy or an experiment.
 
naenae1989 said:
I have been with my husband 26 years and of course he always says, "Sure you can have a girlfriend, if I can watch," but I'm not certain that is what I want.
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If you're an exhibitionist and something of an actor, I could see performing sex for your husband to watch. Like, if it was his birthday, hire a sex worker and do sex with her as he watches. But I believe that would be an empty experience for you.

You want a real relationship with a person, which includes sex. It looks like you've brought it up a few times (?) and he makes it into a joke about voyeurism. Maybe you could tell him you'd rather discuss this seriously without the jokes. Lots of coupled people who are curious about poly broach the subject with "subtle" jokes, but there comes a point when the jokes have to stop and an actual discussion has to happen.
naenae1989 said:
I'd like to explore this option with just another woman and myself to see if a poly relationship is something I'd even like to do. I have no clue how to approach this from a physical, emotional and health aspect.
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Well, you have to be emotionally drawn to someone, for it to be polyamory. That's the amory part. Then, usually, for adults, sexual attraction follows love or fond feelings.

As far as the physical part, it goes like it does with guys-- flirting, kissing, holding each other, arousal, sex... you know, the usual.

By "the health aspect," do you mean physical health, as in avoiding STDs, or emotional healthy, as in avoiding emotional difficulties for everyone, you, husband, and your prospective dating partner?
naenae1989 said:
I don't want to introduce another woman if I am not interested because I don't want to upset anyone if it doesn't feel right.
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I am not sure what this part means. "Introduce a woman," you mean, start a relationship with one? Introduce yourself to her? You're not introducing her to your current relationship, or adding her, or including her. You will be dating her. Your husband won't.

It's impossible to avoid some upset when dating. Generally there will be some rejection, some breakups, etc. Even if you get along great with someone there will be upsets from time to time. "If it doesn't feel right" to be with someone, you might want to get counseling and repair things, but if you can't repair disagreements, you'll need to break up.

Lots of first dates go nowhere. Sometimes there will be two or three dates and then you decide, "Nah, it's not working. Thanks anyway." It's doesn't have to be upsetting when you realize you just aren't interested in someone. Dating is just sampling, to see who clicks with you.
 
Hello naenae1989,

Explain to your husband that you're not sure you want him to watch, at least at first until you can decide if polyamory is even something you want. That you want it to be just between you and the other woman, at least at first.

As for how to approach this from a physical, emotional, and health aspect, I think the most important thing is to go slow, so that you can learn and figure things out as you go along. The woman you date will have her own thoughts and ideas, you will need to negotiate things with her, and see if she is even a good match. Even in monogamy, when you go on a date it doesn't mean there's something permanent, it's more like you and your date are testing for compatibility. There are risks involved in any dating situation, but it's worth it when you find someone that really clicks.

Keep us posted as your situation evolves,
Kevin T.
 
Welcome naenae18989,

I'm quite new to poly. I'm the husband in a very happy mono marriage of 28 yrs.

Out of the blue, my wife has really strong feelings for a woman, and this led to full-blown compatibility with kisses, flirting, texting and having to "explain/advise" me on where our relationship was going and where hers is heading. We had a very serious conversation detailing and discussing beliefs, divorce, open relationships. And of course there were discussions with the new woman.

I went to therapy, so have all of us, so we can approach this as a triad, because it is what we all want.

From my experience, unless the "if I can watch" isn't taken out of the equation, the polyamory won't be something he can experience, accept or fathom for your benefit without you and your partner knowingly wanting to be "eye candy" for his benefit.
 
moiandre said:
Out of the blue, my wife has really strong feelings for a woman and this led to full blown compatibility with kisses, flirting, texting and having to "explain/advise" me on where our relationship was going and where hers is heading. We had a very serious conversation detailing and discussing beliefs, divorce, open relationships, and of course, there were discussions with the new woman.
I went to therapy, so have all of us, so we can approach this as a triad, because it is what we all want.
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moiandre said:
From my experience, unless the "if I can watch" isn't taken out of the equation, the polyamory won't be something he can experience, accept or fathom for your benefit without you and your partner knowingly wanting to be "eye candy" for his benefit.
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This last part: what do you mean? You can tell from her one post that unless they let the husband watch, there is no way she can have a female lover? That sounds very coercive. I hope you don't mean that. What kind of man would force that on his wife? Polyamory means everyone consents. Coercion is not part of it. Nor are deals like, you can have a lover, but only if I can watch/participate. He doesn't own his wife.
 
Magdlyn said:
This last part: what do you mean? You can tell from her one post that unless they let the husband watch, there is no way she can have a female lover? That sounds very coercive. I hope you don't mean that. What kind of man would force that on his wife? Polyamory means everyone consents. Coercion is not part of it. Nor are deals like, you can have a lover, but only if I can watch/participate. He doesn't own his wife.
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In the original post, Naenae1989 stated, he always says "Sure, you can have a girlfriend, if I can watch" but I'm not certain that is what I want.
It was a perspective that he is likely too controlling. I understood it as she can only have a lover under "his" conditions.
Naenae needs to realise poly is all about everyone's consent that's in the mix.
 
moiandre said:
unless the "if I can watch" isn't taken out of the equation,
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Was this written as intended?

It means "if I can watch" is part of the equation.
 
That sounds very coercive. I hope you don't mean that. What kind of man would force that on his wife?
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I believe that's Moiandre's point. The husband has this condition (watching the FF sex) and unless the wife (and her potential female lover) agree to it, he won't allow his wife to explore polyamory.
 
Hopefully that "condition" is just a slightly embarrassed "joke" response to a serious insight into his wife's desire and possible identity as bisexual.
 
naenae1989 said:
I have been with my husband 26 years and of course he always says "sure you can have a girlfriend, if I can watch" but I'm not certain that is what I want. I'd like to explore this option with just another woman and myself to see if a poly relationship is something I'd even like to do.
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1) I suggest you read many threads and blogs here on the forum to get an idea of the door that you’ll be opening in your life and marriage.

2) Typically this isn’t the sort of thing that long-time married couples can “try on“ to see if it fits. Too many bells get rung and none can be un-rung.

3) Are you prepared for your husband to date and find a love interest? We’ve seen this hundreds of times. Be careful what you wish for. The spouse pushing for an open relationship often has the hardest time with jealousy and adjustment to the new dynamic.

naenae1989 said:
I have no clue how to approach this from a physical, emotional and health aspect.
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I think, start educating yourself on all the practical aspects of having an outside lover or open marriage. Don’t be surprised that the more you learn the more questions you’ll have.

naenae1989 said:
I don't want to introduce another woman if I am not interested because I don't want to upset anyone if it doesn't feel right.
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Do you have someone already in mind? Is there a crush in play?
 
dingedheart said:
1) I suggest you read many threads and blogs here on the forum to get an idea of the door that you’ll be opening in your life and marriage.
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Even hit up some books like opening up etc
dingedheart said:
2) Typically this isn’t the sort of thing that long-time married couples can “try on“ to see if it fits. Too many bells get rung and none can be un-rung.
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100% accurate, its a slippery slope, and its super rare for someone to walk back decisions successfully.
dingedheart said:
3) Are you prepared for your husband to date and find a love interest? We’ve seen this hundreds of times. Be careful what you wish for. The spouse pushing for an open relationship often has the hardest time with jealousy and adjustment to the new dynamic.
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And... is your husband prepared for you to fall in love and that person wanting privacy and boundaries. Are either of you prepared for the eventual autonomous dating that may end up happening.

Aside from the voyeur kink of course, which adds a different layer of complexity.
 
dingedheart said:
1) I suggest you read many threads and blogs here on the forum to get an idea of the door that you’ll be opening in your life and marriage.

2) Typically this isn’t the sort of thing that long-time married couples can “try on“ to see if it fits. Too many bells get rung and none can be un-rung.

3) Are you prepared for your husband to date and find a love interest? We’ve seen this hundreds of times. Be careful what you wish for. The spouse pushing for an open relationship often has the hardest time with jealousy and adjustment to the new dynamic.


I think, start educating yourself on all the practical aspects of having an outside lover or open marriage. Don’t be surprised that the more you learn the more questions you’ll have.


Do you have someone already in mind? Is there a crush in play?
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I do not have anyone in mind. I do believe that I am bisexual and have always hidden my feelings or in fear of being judged. I think that is why I chose this forum, for insight and guidance. I don't want to jeopardize my marriage for a fantasy, but I do believe that this is something I need to explore on my own, before I decide I want to be in a full poly relationship. I much more open to ffm then he is, I believe. No, I've never been with a woman, but I have always wanted that experience.
 
naenae1989 said:
I do not have anyone in mind. I do believe that I am bisexual and have always hidden my feelings in fear of being judged. I think that is why I chose this forum, for insight and guidance. I don't want to jeopardize my marriage for a fantasy, but I do believe that this is something I need to explore on my own before I decide I want to be in a full poly relationship. I much more open to ffm then he is, I believe. No, I've never been with a woman, but I have always wanted that experience.
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So what you’re saying is you want is to have ENM/an open relationship to test sexual fantasy or exploration, but a full romantic or poly relationship for you or your husband is still in question.

Another caution-- loads of threads here will attest to this, is that the feel-good brain chemistry that comes along with sex often leads to romantic relationships, so it's better acknowledge that this could end up being poly for one or both of you fairly quickly. And how you approach this and how you react to your outside partner. i.e., your falling in love or your not falling in love when in a sexual relationship could be 180 degrees from where your husband lands. Thinking you’re on the same page and will remain on the same page is another fantasy. It ends up being a pretty individual journey, but a journey worth taking, in most cases, because you don’t see a lot of people coming back and voicing regrets, even when their marriages didn’t survive.
 
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