Dating Ideas?

C

CaityandBen

New member
We are a couple, 19F and 28M, looking for a girlfriend. We have no clue where to look! As much as we'd like to simply pick up women in a bar, I (the 19 year old) am not allowed in bars, nor do I really like to drink.

My first question is: where have other people looked for and found girlfriends? What are easy ways of introducing polyamory to someone we may be interested in? I'm simply asking for stories and experiences and advice.

We have weighed the pros and cons of this lifestyle. We could not imagine anything better than having more love in our house and someday having a big family!
 
Well, for starters, you can join the unofficial "Unicorn Hunters' Club" that we seem to have here.

I mean that with the utmost respect!

Srsly. Maybe someone would start a Social Group for this. It might help; the topic keeps coming up.
 
Or you could just go around just asking random women to join you two. You will get slapped, rejected and yelled at 49 out of 50 times. But that 50th time is oh so special. :)

There are a few poly dating websites in other threads. (We should probably have a sticky thread for poly dating and social websites.) You could also try to see if you have any friends that may be interested. Or join some social groups that exposes you two to more people.
 
I had ads on OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, alt.com, adultfriendfinders, you name it. I still get emails from them, which is annoying. There are poly dating sites too. But I don't have experience with them.

If you ask people who date, they will know what is popular for your area. Be sure to be very specific in your profile about wanting poly. There are more people into cheating, open relationships (i.e., finding a one-night stand), and swinging, than poly. You'll have a lot of wading to do. Be honest and patient. Take your time, as there are a lot of one-offs that think they know what they want, but when it comes down to it, just want to get laid once, and move on.

There are a lot of couples on those sites looking for the same thing as you. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist, but can be very defeating.
 
redpepper said:
I had ads on OKCupid, plenty of fish, alt.com, adultfriendfinders, you name it. I still get emails from them, which is annoying. There are poly dating sites too. But I don't have experience with them.

If you ask people who date they will know what is popular for your area. Be sure to be very specific in your profile about wanting poly. There are more people into cheating, open relationships (i.e., finding a one-night stand), and swinging, than poly. You'll have a lot of wading to do. Be honest and patient. There are a lot of couples on those sites looking for the same thing as you. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist, but can be very defeating.
Click to expand...

Yay! Okay, so we do have an AdultFriendFinder account, but it's hell trying to find someone local. We find people we could fall in love with in a heartbeat, but they live halfway across the world. Did you have to travel or something?
 
Oh and another thing, with our AFF account, we get too many swingers, masturbating men asking just to sleep with me, or "swappers." We have it posted on our profile that we're interested in a polyamorous lifestyle and it seems no one cares to read it. We have no x-rated images on there, except me in a new bra and panties that I had purchased, whereas everyone else has their bottoms up in the air. We have tried to make our profile as clean and serious as possible.

I'm totally digging polyamory.com. I enjoy venting!
 
I could never understand why folks would flash only their genitals when it comes to making "first contact" (speaky Star Trek?).

In real life, it's someone's face that you meet first. Even when we go to c/o resorts and campgrounds, it's considered tacky to stare at people below the neck for a sustained period.
 
CaityandBen said:
We get too many swingers, masturbating men asking just to sleep with me, or swappers. We have it posted on our profile that we're interested in a polyamorous lifestyle and it seems no one cares to read it. We have no x-rated images on there except me in a new bra and panties.
Click to expand...

If you're getting undesirable responses, rework your ad to dial back whatever's attracting them. Suggestions to consider:
Don't count on anyone reading your profile.
Be upfront and specific in your ad about what you want (a girlfriend for a polyamorous triad)
and what you don't want (no swingers, swappers, or sweaty palmers)
Replace the lingerie photo with something fun but fully clothed

Best of luck to y'all in your search for the ever-elusive unicorn. *brushing bangs down over forehead* Happy Hunting!
 
Yeah, friendfinders... Yuck...

Keep at it, though. It took me over a year and at least a 50 dates to find my bf, Mono. It was exhausting and grueling.

Finding a local community of polyamorous friends might work. It has for us!
 
We are dying to join a community, but a lot of them seem to be on the defense. We're from an incredibly small area and it's actually...really really frowned upon. Because when people hear polyamory, their first thought is scary polygamy! Well at least my mother thinks that.

Anywho... that's not the point.

We have found MNPoly.com. We have to fill out a questionnaire to be a part of it. We plan to do that tonight.

Our profile is as clean and fresh as possible, straying away from most sexual things. I promise the lingerie picture is not as bad as you think, like. I would have sent that picture to my mother. In fact, I'm so comfortable with our ad, I'd be willing to post it right here.

My mom is not a prude, btw, she just doesn't understand bisexuality, nor loving more than one. But she is very supportive, and normally does her own research, which is so nice!

We've done the online dating scene with AFF. I was thinking of trying those other ones mentioned above. I'll be sure to update on the whole MNpoly.com thingy.

Blah, I wrote a novel,
Caity
 
There were others on another post on here. Anyone else have some suggestions?

Really though, one at a time, as it can be a lot of work. I got very confused with which people I was talking to at different times! It was embarrassing when I had to ask who someone was. It doesn't help that no one uses their names, for privacy reasons.
 
I'm doing Polymatchmaker.com and AFF.com for now, until later. I don't have faith in online dating, but I do feel as though I get some kind of communication, some flirting and whatnot.
 
AFF is very much oriented to swingers and open relationship types, along with a few other things...the environment there is very sex based. There's also a lot of limitations on the site designed to make and keep people paying...so yeah...no one reads profiles since generally they can't see them. The poly's are probably there, but I think many loose interest after a while of dealing with the same issues you mention.

There's other free sites like PlentyofFish and OKCupid. POF is fairly mainstream, but there's probably a slightly higher Poly ratio there. The FSF section also has a fair number of couples seeking unicorns, so you may find some similar situations as AFF...but at least you don't need to pay for it.
Generally OKC seems better recommended, as the matching algorithms while fallible still tend to trickle like minded poly folk to the top of your matches.

Agreed to whomever suggested that dating resources should be made into a sticky thread.
 
ImaginaryIllusion said:
AFF is very much oriented to swingers and open relationship types, along with a few other things. The environment there is very sex-based. There are also a lot of limitations on the site designed to make and keep people paying. So... yeah. No one reads profiles, since generally they can't see them. The polys are probably there, but I think many lose interest after a while of dealing with the same issues you mention.

There are other free sites like PlentyofFish and OKCupid. POF is fairly mainstream, but there's probably a slightly higher poly ratio there. The FSF section also has a fair number of couples seeking unicorns, so you may find some similar situations as AFF, but at least you don't need to pay for it.
Generally, OKC seems better recommended, as the matching algorithms, while fallible, still tend to trickle like-minded poly folk to the top of your matches.
Click to expand...

Yay! It sounds like I've got lots of online dating ideas. Now to move on to real life.

I wanna know how some face-to-face encounters have gone. What's worked for you guys? How do you approach someone and then later tell them to meet your girlfriend?

Story time! :D
Ben works at a bar. A girl dropped him her number! He told me she was really cute, someone we'd both be really interested in, and so he started flirting with her via text message and still thought she was really cool. Finally she asks Ben, "Are you seeing anybody?" and Ben said something along the lines of,

"Yes, but we have a very unique relationship."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes, she knows about you and she knows we've been texting."
"What's so unique then?"
"We're both looking for a girlfriend."

We didn't get a response back from her for a while. It was so nerve-wracking. She finally explained that she had been super curious about sleeping with girls and that she was currently with a wide-open lesbian who actually made her nervous.

She said she was really interested in Ben and me, because it would be an easy way for her to dabble into girls and still have the comfort of the opposite sex there.

Finally, we got the balls to ask her out for dinner, something casual, so I could meet her and whatnot. She said that this week wouldn't work and that she'd call us when she might be more available. Haven't heard much from her since except she "accidently" sent Ben a text. Now I'm just worried she's just in for my boyfriend. But she told him that she still interested in dinner for three.
 
A few points:

I'm going into a triad/quad situation (long story, as always.) I'm having to move. Not my ideal, in that way, but I think the relationship is worth it. We met on OKCup!d, and were just friends for the longest time. Things ended up falling together a few months ago, and the rest is history.

Until then, I live within a few hours of you. :D

Good luck finding your third. Or fourth, as the case may end up being. ;)
 
Hey there! Love the story. I hope the dinner happens and you guys have a great time. I am currently in a triad, my husband and our gf (who i have been best friends with forever). It sounds like you guys are going about it the right way. I wish you lots of luck. Let us know how it goes. :)
 
The search continues

Here's an update.

Ben and I took my ex-girlfriend, who is still a really good friend of mine, to a concert, and when we got there, they had the minors blocked off from the 21 and over, by a gate. I looked at Ben and was honest, saying, "I'm upset, humiliated, and I want to leave." He smiled and said, "Thank you for being honest," and we all left. (Ben is 28 and I'm 19, I know that sounds like a difference, but I promise it balances out.)

All three of us ended up going to my home, having a few drinks, and having our first threeway, surprisingly a very romantic, intimate experience! It was so wonderful to get a taste of what a triad might feel like! My ex, "Danica," slept in our bedroom and Ben slept on our futon. I went back and forth from bed to bed, and caressed each one, and kissed their necks and cheeks very gently. Ben told me he loved this new side I was showing and he was so understanding and honest with me.

Here's the thing. Danica is interested in me. I don't think she's interested in Ben very much. That worries me. Ben and I made a few threeway dating rules and one was for a veto. If we feel our third is trying to hog one member of the relationship, become a homewrecker of some sort, we instantly drop that person and rekindle a monogamous relationship until we find someone else.

Danica doesn't seem to be homewrecking. She just has very little interest in Ben. It's depressing. I'm not really torn, because I think we could stay really good friends. But I kind of am torn because she's like the perfect type for us. Oh well.

In conclusion, we had a really good experience, sexually/physically, and it gave us an idea of what we're looking for. But our search still continues.
 
Perhaps give her some time to get to know him a little better. Maybe she's just more comfortable with you at this time. Have them spend some time together, one-on-one. It might be hard for you, but if you're wanting a triad, everyone will need to spend quality time alone with each of the others.
 
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