confused

[diane]

I carry the guilt of having betrayed A, knowing well that she was married to S. I wish I'd never fallen in love with S. Yes he is my boss, and A is my friend. Me and A are now closer than before.

She is a warm and friendly person who ensures that everyone around her is ok. I felt comfortable with her right from the beginning, not knowing what was coming ahead.

I could tell from S's actions, favours and stares that he liked me. I felt very uncomfortable, but convinced myself that it was not true. He suggested that we get close after about a month of working with them. I rejected him, with excuses of him being my boss and married.

He was very kind, and he always ensured that I was ok at all times, so I thanked God for the boss and friend I had found. And along the way, I developed feelings for him. I tried to fight it, because this is the time he persisted more. I was confused, because my feelings for him were getting deeper. But it felt so wrong for me to accept, given the environment: my boss, and his status, married.

Now something strange happened. I had not accepted him, but I always got jealous whenever I saw him together with his wife. I told him I can not live in a relationship whereby am a mistress, because I would never be happy like that. He responded, and said he did not look at me as a mistress. He kept saying that he felt so special when was I around and when he was home. He felt like being with me. So the journey began.

He would text me very early in the morning, pick me up, go to work, and after work he still would text from the time we separated to the time we fell asleep. I asked him to stop texting that much. At a certain moment, I remember, he said he would not stop, because he felt lonely and he wanted to be with me in spirit.

This went on for a whole month before he suggested that we meet somewhere cosy. (I am sorry I am giving all the details.) I tried to dodge him, till one day when I accepted to go out with him for a drink. We talked so much, I recall. I gave him my reasons as to why I couldn't be with him. But during this time, I don't know how it happened, but we kissed passionately, and that was the beginning of my depressing love life with S.

All this time, I felt I was not free. I felt guilty because it was a life full of pretense, loneliness and fights. Why? Because I was not content or happy. But I loved him. And so I kept dumping him, at least twice a month. But he never gave up. He kept pursuing me and promising me to be a little patient. And yes, we made up, again and again, because I was always unhappy and sad while we were apart, and that's why I could easily accept him back.

6 months down the road, my life was totally depressed. Imagine, I would love to be with him after work, but we just couldn't. Remember, he was married, but at least he could spare a few evenings or nights for me, though it was not enough for me. You will call me "selfish." I don't care. But his assurance of the love he had for me kept me going. And I felt I also had the right to be with him, just like any lady would love to be with their man.

I love A and I felt so bad whenever I imagined how hurt she would be when she found out about us. That feeling always pushed me away from S. It made me hate myself for having gotten involved and given in to my feelings for S. All this while, I could consider myself being the other woman. But hell no. Why would I settle for that kind of life? I had a number of guys interested in me, but I loved S.

Somebody tell me. Was that wrong? How can someone agree to live like that, all in the name of love, yet possibly they can settle with any other single guy?

Then D-day came. A got to know. S never denied. We all met in the office the following day. She was bitter but calm. I knew she was hurt. I wish I was not the trouble causer, so that I could help her. But I was. She felt so betrayed. I asked her to forgive me, but I knew that was not enough.

 

[Quath]

I think many polyamory stories begin out of confused monogamy. So your story is not too unusual. You get a life lesson.

You can't help who you fall in love with. You can only try to be as ethical as you can. In hindsight, Ssebo should have had a talk about polyamory with A, and seen how that played out. But you can't undo the past.

We are all human and make mistakes. Just learn from them and keep going forward.

I hope the best for you.

 

[diane]

Confused

Sorry, the message was not complete. I am sure this can make sense if you read "Seeking answers" and "My heart is expanding" threads, by A and S, that I am referring to.

I did not get enough time to talk with A and S before they asked me to leave so that they could sort themselves out and possibly mend their marriage. I had to go, but it was a painful for me to.

I missed him so much. I hated him because I thought he never defended what we had. But at the same time, I put myself in A's shoes. Deep down, I felt how hurt she was.

I was numb the first and second week. I did not feel like doing anything, because I that felt S had lied to me. All the time we were together, he had assured me that he loved me truly, and wanted a future with me. But he always asked me to be patient, so I hardly believed him, because there was no sign at all that he would ever leave his wife, or even tell his wife about us.

I did not hear from him for three weeks. He had agreed with his wife to never contact me again if their marriage had to work. So yes, I felt discarded and abandoned by the one who had said he loved me. But that did not stop me from loving him. At times, I could hate him.

I felt like texting him and asking why he had never defended our love. But I could not. Why? Because I had to respect their privacy. And I do not believe in chasing a man and pleading for his love.

Anyway, my misery came to an end when I finally got a call from him, asking me to meet him together with his wife. I was afraid because I thought it was not right for me to meet with them after what happened. I was trying to heal. I suspected that they wanted to maybe assure me to keep off and never disorganise their marriage again.

But guess what? It was all so beautiful. A is so understanding, given their discussions. She got to understand that what S felt for me was real, and for him to be totally happy and complete, I had to be part of his life, or their love. S explained to her several times that he loves both of us, and we can live a poly kind of life, because I too connect with A.

Now A welcomes the idea, but sometimes she does not feel comfortable about the whole thing. I welcome the idea too. But my problem is, how can the two of us be happy and contented with one man? How can I be myself around him in the presence of his wife and kids? S is so happy that I accepted to be part of it, and A and I are both happy. But at times we feel like it's weird, and we would both prefer to have one man for just her, or one man for me, not two women with one man. He feels ready for everything and is so happy that am back in his life.

But how can the three of us sincerely be happy, unless I step aside??? I am a young lady who also needs a life and a family with kids. How is it all possible?

If someone has gone through the same, please talk to us.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

I am a young lady who also needs a life and a family with kids. How is it all possible?

This is where you will need to look inside yourself very hard. Ask yourself what is really important, and if it can be achieved with a married man, or with a man you share in general.

Are you going to want a wedding that your dad can give your hand away in? One where your mother will beam at how lucky you are to catch that find that special man who will look after you under the idea of "forever," and be true to you, as most of society sees it? One that your current friends will support and be truly happy for you? Are you wanting to have family get-togethers with your own children and neighbors, or their school mates, and feel completely accepted?

If you answered yes to some of these, now is the time to really think about if you can achieve this with an already married man in our current society. Are you ready for that challenge? Is it an additional layer of struggle that you will embrace?

Why would I put questions out there that seem to be skewed or stacked against a positive outlook? To get you to think, to question and face aspects of reality when you go down this path. Maybe everything you want can be achieved with this couple. Time to ask them if they are willing to put the work into fulfilling your future the way they want you to fulfill theirs.

 

[eklctc]

@diane- I hope it all works out for you. I guess my biggest concern would be communication and honesty, more so between you and A, and then between S and the two women, because, in my view, that was truly the only thing out of place from the very beginning.

 

[Ssebo]

Don't feel guilty

D, thank you for doing this, and joining A and me here. I really appreciate it, and so does A.

Yes, it's me, S, me who hurt the two women I love so much and inflicted this pain. Not intentionally, but out of fear, or confusion, just as D? No, not confused. D will remember me always saying: "How can what feels so right and good be wrong?" Neither D nor I sought each other out. D had reservations from the start. And for both of us, it was against our principles. We broke them. For good reason? No. As GS said in our thread, life is funny sometimes, and we don't know what the universe holds for us, and why.

Why did I pursue D? Not for the sex, or for the sake of the "a faire." I felt something strong from her, which my innermost being accepted and returned.

@Quath, thank you for taking the time to reply to D. Agreed, you can't help who you fall in love with. I could have helped, though, with what to do about it-- and stopped it. But I felt it was too strong and too good. And yes, I selfishly wanted it.

We did try talking about poly with A a few times. But I felt A was not ready for the practical part of it. As a "fantasy" it was quite acceptable to my wife. We even went as far as me asking her who she could imagine being part of it. Strangely (and for me, happily) D was amongst the "possibles" for her, based on the fact that my wife knew I like her, and she liked her too. After all, A chose D as my personal assistant.

And yes, I apologise again for the hurt, pain and anger my actions caused my wife and D subsequently, for making this really personal.

@Mono, hi. I believe you are a partner of Redpepper, who was quite active replying to me, with a good dose of ...

But she is right. You are blessed. And so are we, for your concern. Your advice was unbiased and sound, and I feel, came from your heart. Thank you. Yes, D needs to listen inside herself, which she can do very well. And I love her for the balance, too. She is "the youngest" by age (who cares?) but at times is so much wiser than us. Sorry, than me.

I know that D sees it like me regarding "other parties' concerns or opinions." We don't care, as it's our life. A has some more concerns about that, but as said in my thread, http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4078, we have the comfort of our own very private space, with absolutely NO worry about interfering visitors who might not approve. That maybe will help A too to approach poly with calm and no fear of public opinion.

Mono, we are living in Africa, where, by culture, "multi-party-relationships" more of the polygamy type have been fathomed since ever, and have only been interrupted by the nurture of colonial standards. That would make this a bit easier. But after so many generations of "cultivation," there are plenty of folks around who would scream at the proposition. (Mind you, legislation is pushing an anti-gay bill!) Having said that, we don't want that either, because traditionally I would now have to run now homes, with A and D each, and split the "time" and everything else, which neither A, D nor I want.

D and I really want to share life with A. And as it appears, A seems to be taking to the idea in principle. Right now though, she is racing ahead in her mind, considering all sorts of things, which are long not due and rather disturbing for her. Right now, I am actually trying to put the brakes on.

The main concern are the children (11 and 8), and how they will take to it. I do like Redpepper's approach on that. I kindly ask you to maybe share more on that, if you don't mind. Thank you.

@eklctc, Due to A opening up, and her urge to involve D after 3 weeks, we had a great get-together with all three of us. We all parted happy, feeling warm, content, and full of love. Since then, we do communicate honestly, with D and me being very concerned for A being comfortable. We are also honestly voicing our unease or discomfort. We talk about what we want, trying to find ways to make it happen. I love both beyond what I would have thought possible. I love A and D for being such great women who have chosen to be in my life. You are right, and I could bite my own south side for having been such a dumbass to begin with. Thank you for helping us.

Thank you, D, for loving me the way you do, enriching our lives. Thank you, A, my wife, for your deep love and the will to try to be open and experience something together, which is unknown and scary to you (as it is for me), and has no clearly visible outcome yet. But I know we can make it what we all agree it should be.

 

[diane]

Getting better

S, thank you for your reply. It makes me feel at ease that you have a positive attitude towards the whole idea. I wish A would also be like that. I know this is all new to us. I would prefer A not to run away from it, but rather try and embrace it. Who knows? Maybe it is more beautiful than the mono relationships.

I am already feeling better than in the last three weeks. I feel free, peaceful, happy. But I am not convinced A is there yet. I want her to be calm and comfortable. But at the same time, I know she has to heal from our betrayal.

A forgave me, and right now we are like sisters. One might wonder how fast this is happening, but she is one lady in a million, who has got a kind, understanding and compassionate heart.

S is unique and special, in a way. He is so loving, kind, sweet, caring, and understanding, too. No wonder he connects with A. They are somehow the same, apart from a few traits. They have both been a blessing to me. Special thanks to them. I love you both.

All I am asking for is the unbreakable bond of love, respect, acceptance, acknowledgement and approval between us. We should be honest, open, and trusting, with clear communication between us. We should also allow mutual acceptance, support and understanding towards one another, that is, if we are to go ahead with this.

Is there anybody in our shoes? Please share your experience.

 

[diane]

This is where you will need to look inside yourself very hard. Ask yourself what is really important and if it can be achieved with a married man or with a man you share in general.

if you can achieve this with an already married man in our current society. Are you ready for that challenge? Is it an additional layer of struggle that you will embrace?

Why would I put questions out there that seem to be skewed or stacked against a positive outlook? To get you to think, to question and face aspects of reality when you go down this path. Maybe everything you want can be achieved with this couple. Time to ask them if they are willing to put the work into fulfilling your future the way they want you to fulfill theirs.

Thank you, Mono. I've already thought about all that. Yes, I would prefer the ideal thing of getting married to the man I love, and having our own kids, something comfortable and acceptable to me and society. But the love I feel for him overcomes the fears I had in this path I am taking. Indeed its a challenge, especially for me. Both A and S have achieved some of their dreams, and I haven't. I am just starting. Sometimes am worried about how life will be, but am hopeful. I believe nothing is impossible, and given that we are open and honest to each other, I believe we can make it.

 

[Seekinganswer]

The rollercoaster of emotions of a monogamous person

Today is a good day. After reading Diane's and Ssebo's posts, I have a mish-mash of emotions that I don't understand. For some who have read my post, you know our story and where my frantic search led me to.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3997

First, my connection with Diane is most puzzling, because I really should be hating her, and wanting to scratch her eyes out for giving in to S's advances. But after our big meeting, I truly understand why Ssebo fell in love with her.

I was in tune with her from the beginning. I wanted us to have that meeting so that Ssebo would have a chance to explain to Diane why he never lied about the future with her all along. I knew she was hurting and cursing him the whole time, so this meeting was one way to start our healing. Anyhow, Diane, I do not and cannot hate you. You are the most lovable person.

You are right. My emotions are in a jumble. I don't know what I feel from one moment to the next. When I read how intensely and persistently Ssebo pursued you, I feel razor blades cutting me. (Ssebo and Diane, you know what this means.) Excruciating pain. It feels like I'm living the pain of D-day all over again.

Then I start to question my sanity for even considering taking the step into polyamory with you two. I suppose other betrayed women would never imagine what is happening to me. But in some of my darkest moments, Diane (whose eyes I should be scratching out) is a calm and caring voice. I thank her for that.

Ssebo is also patient and tolerant of my mood swings. He has opened up into someone I never thought he could be-- openly affectionate, with unguarded sincerity. There is finally a spring in his step after so long, which means he was living a tortured existence these past months. He was always so serious and cool and guarded.

When I see him kiss and hug Diane, I feel soft and warm inside, which further confuses me. Shouldn't I be jealous? Shouldn't I be revolted by the image of the two of them entwined in passion? No, I am not. Knowing that S is doing this right in front of me, with the same person he had the affair with, should make me absolutely livid. It doesn't. I am happy for him, because I feel deeply that he is happy with D and free to express his love for her.

All this is new to my mono-wired mind. And yes, it's weird. More weird is that I was scared and nervous before our meeting, because I was afraid Diane would reject Ssebo and his explanation for all this. I couldn't bear that thought, but I knew it had to be done.

On the bad days, I conjure up images of a future I don't want to contemplate. I know we should be taking each day as it comes, and enjoying each other's company, but a nagging voice keeps telling me I am crazy. My mono mind takes over, and wants to step aside for Ssebo and Diane to have each other. This way, I don't have to feel stuck in the middle between the intense connection they have.

I ask myself how Ssebo can love me more, and loved me still, during the affair. What if the two want to have children later? What if I can't stand this situation and want out? What are we going to tell the kids?

I know I should shun the negative thoughts and focus on the now. I should stop over-analyzing and just be! Easier said than done. But I'm trying to take each day as it comes. Somehow I know what I should be doing, but I just can't help these feelings. For now, we are working on communicating and building the bond between us. Ssebo says we should not worry about tomorrow, but should we at least voice our expectations of this relationship.

I don't want to have nasty surprises to come. I think I've had a fair dose of those for now.

 

[diane]

No pressure

Seeking, I feel what you are going through and I truly understand you. I know those thoughts will keep coming, and you can't control them. I have tried talking to you, but I think am not the right person to do that.

Why should you step aside if Ssebo says that for him to be complete, you have to be part of this? Have you realised he is happier now? I believe you do, given what you've written, "He has opened up into someone I never thought he could be, openly affectionate with unguarded sincerity." This is not only because am back in his life, but because you are part of it too. Do I need to quote the phrases he emphasized of how much he loves you, for you to understand? Be assured he does.

Seeking, I know you are going through a lot. Just tell me what you want me to do for you to feel better or at ease. Tell me please. Do you want me to leave?

I don't want you to feel pressured at the moment, because I know you're going through a very tough time. I understand you. So does Ssebo. What can we do, or what can I do for you to feel better?

 

[Breathesgirl]

There is finally a spring in his step, after so long, which means he was living a tortured existence these past months. He was always so serious and cool and guarded. When I see him kiss and hug Diane, I feel soft and warm inside, which further confuses me. Shouldn't I be jealous? Shouldn't I be revolted by the image of the two of them entwined in passion? No I am not. Knowing that Ssebo is doing this right in front of me, with the same person he had the affair with should make me absolutely livid. It doesn't. I am happy for him, because I feel deeply that he is happy with Diane and free to express his love for her. All this is new to my mono-wired mind. And yes, it's weird. More weird is that I was scared and nervous before our meeting, because I was afraid Diane would reject him and his explanation for all this. I couldn't bear that thought, but I knew it had to be done.

That feeling of happiness because your partner is happy is called compersion. A lot of people struggle to get to the point where they can feel that happiness when their love is with another. Not all find it, and most still have moments when their partner being with another is uncomfortable for them. It sounds like the three of you are working things out is a way that each of you can accept.

That thought of jealousy and being livid is your mono mind coming out to play, trying to cause trouble. Face it and banish it from your life.

 

[diane]

Don't be afraid

Seeking, we both understand that it's tough for you. Just talk to us or him whenever you feel down. Most importantly, if you have any suggestion of what we can do for you to be happy, please let us know.

If you think I should give both of you a gap so that you can heal faster, let me know, please.

We love you.

 

[redpepper]

The main concern are the children (11 and 8) and how they will take it. I do like Redpepper's approach on that. I kindly ask you to maybe share more on that, if you don't mind. Thank you.

Ssebo, are you asking me about this? Would you be more specific? I'm not sure I understand what it is that you want a comment on. Thanks.

Diane, the way your wrote your first post makes me think you were stalked by Ssebo. He wouldn't stop texting you? Wouldn't leave you alone? Was "lonely in the evenings," even though he was with his wife? Sorry, that's all a bit of a red flag to me, and makes me wonder how much of this is your heart's desire, rather than just his. I can understand you growing into love, but if he had done as you requested, then you wouldn't have been dragged into the affair and the cheating, that it sounds like you were requesting to avoid.

That being said, here you are, and it sounds like the three of you are starting a journey together now. It kind of worries me that it sounds like Ssebo holds all the good cards in this, though. But I am wondering if that is my "dominant-man alert" being sounded. I do really badly with being patient with some dominant men. I tend to think that often they are not conscious of the tsunami of ego-centered requests (demands?) they put on the women who love them. All I can say is that Ssebo's wife, Seeking, must be some woman to be willing to be so open and accepting so early on! I would be up one side of you and Ssebo, and down the other, in two seconds, just by virtue of the fact that he seemed so selfish, and you seemed so passive in allowing him to convince you that cheating was the answer.

As others have said, you live and learn. Yes, you all might have ended up in a similar place as you are today, but the lesson was that it didn't have to be with the pain of an affair to cope with. It will take a long long time for all of you to be in any position to feel comfortable. I would think.

Hell, Mono cheated in his last relationship, and I suffer from the pain that I think his wife must have gone through. She decided not to put up with him and he volunteered to leave. Good thing, because she would have kicked him out, anyway. When I think of the pain of knowing my deeply cherished, trusted, respected and loved partner had been lying for so long, I can't imagine how anyone would ever be entirely the same after that. A lot of people aren't.

There is a lot for all of you to consider. I think Mono offers some really valuable advice, Diane. He came into my life at a time when he had been married, had the house, the stuff, raised a child. He doesn't want that anymore. He would love a relationship with his 17-year old daughter, but she has chosen to not speak to him, and hasn't, for two years.

Many times we hear of women joining couples, and the couple joining them, and they grieve the fact that they may never have the white wedding, etc. To some, that's been their dream since childhood, and it is lost when they become part of a poly arrangement. If you are not interested in that, then you are set. But it sounds like you are invested in the idea of a mono arrangement, and some of what it means to be mono. This would be very different.

I can imagine both of you women will not only need time to overcome the trauma of the affair, but also to grieve the loss of a mono life with the man you love. It's a double whammy.

I wish you luck. Thanks to all of you for sharing.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

Hi Seeking,

I know your pain from all this, I really do. I've been in your position at least once. But...

Firstly, my connection with D is most puzzling because really I should be hating her and wanting to scratch her eyes out for giving in to S's advances.

Oookay...

"Should be"? Who determines what "should be"? Society? Family? If you subscribe to the concept that we create our own reality, isn't it up to you to determine what "should be" for you? And maybe more importantly, what is real?

Which part of you knows somewhere inside what may be the best path for you, and those you love? What is real to you? It seems you have your answer, maybe.

He has opened up into someone I never thought he could be, openly affectionate with unguarded sincerity. There is finally a spring in his step, after so long, which means he was living a tortured existence these past months. He was always so serious and cool and guarded.

Compersion, the feeling of joy when we feel the joy of our partner, which somehow always ends up spilling over to us in a variety of subtle ways. Connection.

When I see him kiss and hug D, I feel soft and warm inside, which further confuses me. Shouldn't I be jealous? Shouldn't I be revolted by the image of the two of them entwined in passion? No, I am not.

Umm... back to that same "should" question. And back to asking what is real. Which is the path with heart?

All this is new to my mono-wired mind. And yes, it's weird.

Yes, it is new. And really, what do we expect from ourselves when faced with something new? A little discomfort. A little struggle. All pretty normal stuff, right? You'll get there, if it's the right thing for you. Your approach impresses me.

Just breathe deep. Keep focused on what is real. ((hugs))

 

[Seekinganswer]

A day at a time...

GS, thanks for that. Yes, the "scratching eyes out" visual is what is expected of a betrayed spouse, but that's a trip I decided early in life never to take. Where we come from, betrayed spouse attacks take the form of acid attacks, poisonings, or street brawls, where grown women make spectacles of themselves just to make a point. In fact, Diane's family is living in fear for her safety, so to speak. Luckily, she knows I will not do anything to harm her, and that is sorted.

"Should be"? Who determines what "should" be? Society? Family? If you subscribe to the concept that we create our own reality, isn't it up to you to determine what "should be" for you? And maybe more importantly, what is REAL?
What part of you knows somewhere inside what may be the best path for you and those you love? What is real to you ?
Seems you have your answer, maybe.

Although the temptation to shove the matter under the rug was overwhelming, I preferred to accept what happened by meeting Diane and clearing the air, if only to help with the healing of all involved. If Ssebo was feeling that strongly for her, how were we going to mend our marriage, if I deluded myself into thinking this feeling would fizzle out? So I knew early on that we were not dealing with a simple sniff in the nose cold that goes away with lots of drinking and rest. This was serious.

However, deciding the right path and actually acting on this decision was another matter. The trial week was smooth (simple bonding, doing things together, lots of talking), safe and enjoyable. However, I'm still a long way from opening myself to the relationship because of the emotional baggage and doubts that that affair caused. I still don't understand how one day I'm full of compersion (like on our first meeting), and don't mind seeing them kiss; and the next I'm back to mono mode, feeling left out of their circle.

This feeling was very strong over the weekend we spent together. How can something good give me such pain? Yes, I know it's my attitude that needs to change. But we also realised that perhaps we were moving too fast. Within 4 weeks, Ssebo and I have moved from D-day, to no contact with Diane, to finally meeting and telling her about polyamory. Alongside this, as the details of the affair unfold, and seeing how strongly S feels, I am struggling with doubt if all this will work.

We are back to one day at a time, and then we'll see how things go.

 

[Seekinganswer]

Moving forward

Thanks, Redpepper.

That being said, here you are. It sounds like the three of you are starting a journey together now. It kind of worries me that it sounds like Ssebo holds all the good cards...

Yes, your thoughts resonate with what I have told him before. Our journey is such that he is far off in the lead, closely followed by Diane, who surprisingly opened up to the poly proposal. Then I am way in the back. We have all agreed to take things slowly, or Diane or I could get the feeling of walking on a speeding treadmill. The image comes to mind of someone trying to keep up with the speed, but failing, and reaching out for something to hold onto.

All I can say is that Ssebo's wife, Seekinganswer, must be some woman to be willing to be so open and accepting so early on! I would be up one side, and down the other of you and Ssebo in two seconds, just by virtue of the fact that he seemed so selfish and you seemed so passive, to allow him to convince you that cheating was the answer.

I am working on being open and not there yet. It depends on whether it's a good day or a bad day, since D-day. It is very unsettling for me to have such jumbled emotions. On the bad days, the strong flight feeling is in control, telling me I'd be better off alone than hanging between this strong connection between the two. On such days, I don't or refuse to see where I fit. Unfortunately, this past weekend we spent together ended with me feeling pain again.

When I think of the pain of knowing my deeply cherished, trusted, respected and loved partner had been lying for so long, I can't imagine how anyone would ever be entirely the same after that. A lot of people aren't.

You are right. One can never be the same again. In the blink of an eye, everything I knew as REAL changed, and the past weeks for me were one big flashback of images. Someone compared this to an accident scene, where the betrayed spouse remains rooted amidst the mangled metal and crash debris, trying to piece everything together.

I'm certain there are situations where the betrayer tells the spouse to get over it already. I feel S is right next to me and has offered me his hand.

 

[redpepper]

I still dont understand how one day Im full of compersion( like on our first meeting) and dont mind seeing them kiss and the next Im back to mono mode feeling left out of their circle.

Hey, there is absolutely nothing wrong with mono mode. I don't know of many that are able to obtain and keep compersion after an affair. Actually, I don't think I know any. Just because you are struggling doesn't mean you are in some way inferior or less than anyone else. The fact that you are actually trying to get something out of this at all is what is amazing about you, not the speed at which you accomplish that. Even if you decide it's not for you, the attempts you have made to even see if you can get something out of your situation is amazing.

Someone compared this to an accident scene, where the betrayed spouse remains rooted amidst the mangled metal and crash debris, trying to piece everything together.

Very good way of seeing it. This will take a long time to sort out. Take all the time you need, I say, and have them wait.

Have you been doing some reading on here? I especially recommend the blogs. There are some good stories of people's journeys and how they went from where you are, to comfort and acceptance in their relationships with their polyamorous partners.