Having some issues.

[ThatGothGuy]

Hey there, it's so nice to meet you all here! Super new here and to forums in general.
So hopefully I'm putting this in the right space.

So me and my partner of nearly 8 years (not married, high school sweethearts.) are having a bit of a rough patch when it comes to poly. So we have had a lot of changes through the years, getting together at 17 and now almost being 25.

I went from being masculine emo to being a feminine goth, and she went from being super antisocial and quiet to much more confident and outspoken. So I had more superficial changes while hers were more personality based.

We came to an agreement that we never got much time to be "young" (we are still young obviously, but we missed much of the exploring period that most teens and young adults go through.) and it was clear we both liked men and women, always pointing out to each other when we found someone attractive and would show each other. Stuff like that.

One thing led to another and now we are "poly" or at least...trying to be?

We've been fighting with some core issues though.

I'm very much a free spirit who has the "if it makes my partner happy, they should do it and I'll support them" mentality. If she wants to be with a bunch of poly partners? Then by all means I'm happy for her to have them!

And she has been pursuing partners (she prefers females) and chatting with them all the time.

Now I made a comment/question, and ever since it's been sorta an ongoing issue. The comment was "While you are out with your poly partners, would it be okay if I made connections myself?" And ever since she's been super jealous, wanting to stop talking to her potential partners and just stressing that I'm going to leave her since.

Obviously we have had some on depth and serious discussions about poly and what it means to us and how it can improve or harm our bond.

One of the other issues we've had, which kinda sparked the poly stuff is our sexual incompatibly. (She is hyper sexual, what she thinks about most of the time. She tells me constantly she has to keep busy otherwise all she can think about is sex.) But meanwhile I'm a very non-sexual person, I enjoy it, I do it frequently enough in my opinion (at least once every day we are both off work) but that's not been enough for her. Her entire mood is based on sex, if she doesn't get enough she is miserable, hormonal, and stressed out at the littlest of things. Which obviously makes me stressed and upset with myself that I "am not enough" as I can't force myself to have sex 5+ times a day like she wants it. We are super busy with owning a business and working full time jobs, there simply isn't enough time in a day.

So she was excited when she could go with other partners through poly, probably one of the happiest times I seen her is when she was talking about all the girls she's talking to and how pretty they are.

The thing is, she is completely okay with doing the poly stuff if it's either- only she has a partner, and not me. Otherwise she gets jealous and thinks that they are going to "steal me" or she is okay with it as long as we are in a "throuple" like situation.

We were with a girl as a throuple for about 4 months till she decided she wanted to move to Germany for school and couldn't keep the relationship going long distance so it ended sorta abruptly. During that time she still displayed jealousy, and fear that I would leave her. No matter how many times I reassured her, followed her rules to make it work, and tried to rational that she could possibly be "stolen from me" but that I had enough trust in her that I knew she wouldn't leave me.

She says she trusts me, that she just doesn't trust them... And so we've been at odds trying to make this work, and see if there's anything we can do to fix this before we end up creating a rift that will break us up.

For me, poly is an intimacy things. I want someone who wants to snuggle and watch movies, have more "platonic" relationship.

She said that she might be okay with me getting a partner that is Asexual, or that doesn't want sex, which would be fine with me but we live in Ohio and it's honestly a hard place to find partners already, worse yet finding someone who is asexual and someone I vibe with who is poly.

I love my partner to death, and the whole reason I am making this post is to try and understand from outside perspectives what might be the core issues, or if there's not much hope for this relationship. I don't want to waste her time or my own if we can't make this work. ..but we are trying to make this work, and we have never given up on each other.. and I don't plan on starting now.

So please, any comments would be helpful, be blunt if you have to.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello ThatGothGuy,

It sounds like your partner wants you to let her be poly, however she wants you to be mono. She wants a mono/poly relationship in which she has other partners, and you do not. This would be all well and good if you weren't interested in being poly yourself, but I can see that you are interested, and it's only fair that you should be able to have other partners too. I can see that she is very jealous, and expects you to leave her for someone else. You need to explain to her that that's not going to happen, as long as she treats you fairly.

You could try a throuple situation but I must warn you, it is a lot harder to do than it sounds. Things are likely to be lopsided. The third you bring in might be more interested in you than your partner, or vice versa. Assuming you have threesomes with the third, you have to handle those with much care, as one of the participants can easily end up feeling left out. On the other hand, if you are aware of the difficulties and still want to try, it might be a way that things can be fair without upsetting your partner.

I think your partner needs to work on her jealousy.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hey there, it's so nice to meet you all here.

Welcome, GothGuy.

Me and my partner of nearly 8 years (not married, high school sweethearts) are having a bit of a rough patch when it comes to poly. We have had a lot of changes through the years, getting together at 17 and now almost being 25.

Are you each other's first and, until now, only lovers/sex partners?

I went from being masculine emo to being a feminine goth, and she went from being super antisocial and quiet to much more confident and outspoken.

Maybe she's more confident than she was before, but not as confident as she could be, which seems to be the problem...

We came to an agreement that we never got much time to be "young" (we are still young obviously, but we missed much of the exploring period that most teens and young adults go through.)

Do you mean, because you became a couple super young, you've missed out on dating around, sowing your wild oats?

[We were] always pointing out to each other when we found someone attractive and would show each other. Now we are "poly," or at least trying to be? We've been fighting with some core issues, though.

How long have you two been open? Did you/she do any research first, or did she just start flirting others with intention to date/have sex, willy nilly?

I'm... "if it makes my partner happy, they should do it and I'll support them" mentality. If she wants to be with a bunch of poly partners, I'm happy for her to have them! She has been pursuing partners (she prefers females) and chatting with them all the time.

So she hasn't actually dated in real life, had sex with anyone besides you? She's just on the phone with her flirty friends constantly?

I made a comment: "While you are out with your poly partners, would it be okay if I made connections myself?" And ever since she's been super jealous, wanting to stop talking to her potential partners and just stressing that I'm going to leave her.

This is hypocritical and unfair. But if she wants to stop flirting with others, and focus on doing some catch-up with you, to understand how poly actually works, how to be successful at it, that's great.

We often say, "You're not poly just because you're dating multiple people. You're poly if you're okay with your partner(s) also dating other people." Obviously the fun part is being the one dating. But again, obviously, it's a two-way street. You have to disentangle enough to be fine with your partner (even your long-term nesting partner) also having that fun.

She is hypersexual. She has to keep busy, otherwise all she can think about is sex. I'm a very non-sexual person. I enjoy it. I do it frequently enough, in my opinion (at least once every day we are both off work), but that's not been enough for her.

Her entire mood is based on sex. If she doesn't get enough she is miserable, hormonal, and stressed out at the littlest of things. Which obviously makes me stressed and upset with myself that I "am not enough" as I can't force myself to have sex 5+ times a day like she wants it. We are super busy with owning a business and working full time jobs, there simply isn't enough time in a day.

Yikes. She wants sex 5x a day, 7 days a week? You want it like 2-3 times a week, on the days you both aren't working? (That's not very non-sexual, my friend...) I thought my bf and I were hypersexual, because we often do it 7 times on a weekend. But by the end of the weekend, I am tired and aching and ready for a few days break haha

It sounds like she could be better friends with her vibrator. You don't have to dispense sex like a toaster at the push of a button. And even if she meets a partner or two that she gets along with enough to date/have sex, chances are they aren't going to want to have sex 5x/day, every day, especially after the NRE wears off. (Look up NRE if you're not familiar with the term.)

She was excited when she could go with other partners. Probably one of the happiest times I've seen her is when she was talking to all the pretty girls...

You have natural compersion and are happy to see her happy. Would you also be happy if she were flirting with masculine people? It sounds like you're non-binary or non-gender-conforming, though, so maybe the genders of her potential lovers doesn't matter to you.

(I'm old, but I am non-binary, and I love how younger people are so much more in tune with non-gender-conformity! We rock.)

She is okay with doing the poly stuff if it's either only she has a partner, and not me (otherwise she gets jealous and thinks that they are going to "steal me"), or if we are in a "throuple"-like situation.

We were with a girl as a throuple for about 4 months till she decided she wanted to move and couldn't keep the relationship going long distance. During that time she still displayed jealousy and fear that I would leave her. No matter how many times I reassured her, followed her rules to make it work, and tried to rationalize that she could possibly be "stolen from me" but that I had enough trust in her that I knew she wouldn't leave me.

And this is so common. Formerly mono people think triads will keep them from being jealous because all the sex is threesomes. (Or at least, all the sex with the unicorn is threesomes, while the established couple can still have one-on-one sex, which is obviously not fair either.) However, triads are never equal. The unicorn is almost always going to prefer one member of the couple over the other. And that's just one of the problems with triads. (Even the word throuple is mono-normative, btw, and most poly folk kinda hate it.)

We've been at odds trying to make this work. Is anything we can do to fix this?

I highly suggest you both step back, chill, stop trying to date others, and do some reading. We have a great list of resources here:

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

I suggest reading article The Most Skipped Step, and the book Opening Up first. The podcast Multiamory is also good.

Your partner may not even be polyamorous. She might just want to have a lot of sex with a lot of people as part of her 20-something exploration stage and raging hormones, and want to settle down with just one person eventually.

For me, poly is an intimacy thing. I want someone who wants to snuggle and watch movies, have a more "platonic" relationship. She said that she might be okay with me getting a partner that is asexual, or that doesn't want sex, which would be fine with me. But we live in Ohio and it's honestly a hard place to find partners already, worse yet finding someone who is asexual and someone I vibe with who is poly.

To be brutally honest, it sounds like she's got low self esteem, if she just assumes anyone you fuck will be better than her and you'll immediately leave her.

I love my partner to death, and the whole reason I am making this post is to try and understand from outside perspectives what might be the core issues, or if there's not much hope for this relationship. I don't want to waste her time or my own if we can't make this work. ..but we are trying to make this work.

Any comments would be helpful, be blunt if you have to.

Okay, you don't have to ask me to be blunt, haha. I grew up just outside of Manhattan. We don't sugarcoat things. Very different from mid-Westerners. lol

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this helps you any. This is what pops out to me.

One thing led to another and now we are "poly" or at least...trying to be?

What does this mean? That you both agreed to date on both sides? She dates her other people? You date your other people? What are your actual agreements?

I'm very much a free spirit who has the "if it makes my partner happy, they should do it and I'll support them" mentality. If she wants to be with a bunch of poly partners? Then by all means I'm happy for her to have them!

And she has been pursuing partners (she prefers females) and chatting with them all the time.

Ok.

Now I made a comment/question, and ever since it's been sorta an ongoing issue. The comment was "While you are out with your poly partners, would it be okay if I made connections myself?"

Why would you even ask her rather than just... date? Like why wasn't that just part of the agreement to change to open/poly? Both of you just date?

And ever since she's been super jealous, wanting to stop talking to her potential partners and just stressing that I'm going to leave her since.

Well, if she wants to stop dating on her side, she can do that. She's in charge of her dating life on her side.

But if you still want to date other people, you can date them. You are in charge of your dating life on your side.

This cannot be like "open for her only" and you only date her. It's either closed on both sides or open on both sides. Then if YOU don't feel like dating right now, it is because YOU decided that, and not because the option doesn't even exist for you.

How is her having some feelings your problem or responsibility to fix? I'm not saying you should be mean or callous about it. But... isn't her emotional management her job to do? She expects you to deal with the work of getting ok with her dating other people. But then she's not going to do the work of getting ok with you dating other people?

Why are breakups so scary to her? Aren't they just part of life?

Obviously, we have had some in-depth and serious discussions about poly and what it means to us and how it can improve or harm our bond.

Did these talks include the personal work you each would be doing? It sounds like she only thought about her dating and developing her hinge skills. She didn't think about you dating and her developing her metamour skills, coping skills, or self-soothing skills when you are the hinge person seeing other people.

Did the talks include defining the dealbreakers? What would lead to you two breaking up?

One of the other issues we've had, which kinda sparked the poly stuff is our sexual incompatibly. (She is hypersexual, what she thinks about most of the time. She tells me constantly she has to keep busy otherwise all she can think about is sex.) But meanwhile I'm a very non-sexual person, I enjoy it, I do it frequently enough in my opinion (at least once every day we are both off work) but that's not been enough for her. Her entire mood is based on sex, if she doesn't get enough she is miserable, hormonal, and stressed out at the littlest of things.

To me, sex once a day when both are off work is lots already.

Has she seen a doctor? If sex consumes all her thoughts and she wants sex all the time... is she self medicating with the feel-good hormones from sex? Does she have some kind of mood issue?

If she's coming to polyamory looking for more sex partners to be her "sex medicine." that's kinda messed up. You see that, right?

You could date poly partners because you want to make connections with them as people, not just to "get more sex."

Maybe she's confusing "polyamory" with other kinds of non-monogamy, where you are her exclusive romantic partner, and other people are just for casual sex? Is that part of the incompatibility? She wants "open" or "ENM," and you want "polyamory?"

Which obviously makes me stressed and upset with myself that I "am not enough" as I can't force myself to have sex 5+ times a day like she wants it. We are super busy with owning a business and working full time jobs, there simply isn't enough time in a day.

It is NOT your job to be her "on-demand sex medicine." That is not a reasonable or rational expectation. I think she could see a doctor.

And NO. Do not force yourself to share sex if you don't want to share sex.

The thing is, she is completely okay with doing the poly stuff if it's either- only she has a partner, and not me. Otherwise she gets jealous and thinks that they are going to "steal me," or she is okay with it as long as we are in a "throuple"-like situation.

Then she's not ready to do healthy poly.

She says she trusts me, that she just doesn't trust them... And so we've been at odds trying to make this work, and see if there's anything we can do to fix this before we end up creating a rift that will break us up.

I don't think this is something YOU can fix for her. It is an inside job.

You might have to deal with the fact that over time you two have finished growing up through the teens and into young adulthood and have become incompatible, because she's wanting THIS much sex and is THIS insecure.

And... she kinda sees you as a possession/object. Someone "will come steal you," like you are her sweater or something. You don't have a voice in where you go. She's got you right now. It's not that you choose to be together, she's just got you right now. Someone else can come along and "take" you.

She said that she might be okay with me getting a partner that is asexual, or that doesn't want sex, which would be fine with me. But we live in Ohio and it's honestly a hard place to find partners already, worse yet finding someone who is asexual and someone I vibe with who is poly.

Why would "sex" be the condition? Why's she so possessive about you sharing sex?

Is she trying to put a lot of conditions so she can avoid working on herself?

Is she trying to put a lot of conditions so it becomes "de facto monogamy" -- like you are only seeing her, because there's no WAY you could find another partner to tick all the conditional boxes?

Is she asking you to put off dating other people while "she works on it," and then she never actually does the work?

I love my partner to death, and the whole reason I am making this post is to try and understand from outside perspectives what might be the core issues, or if there's not much hope for this relationship. I don't want to waste her time or my own if we can't make this work, but we are trying to make this work, and we have never given up on each other, and I don't plan on starting now.

What does "make it work" even mean?

Could you two change relationship shapes? Would this work out better as "exes and friends" instead, like, you haven't given up on each other, but you both have allowed the relationship shape to CHANGE to something that fits better.

You changed before. There was a time you didn't know each other, then became friends, started dating, etc. Why's this got to be a huge deal if you change again?

So please, any comments would be helpful; be blunt if you have to.

It sounds like this was your first serious young adult relationship. So it also means it is/would be your first serious breakup.

I think you are outgrowing this relationship shape and maybe outgrowing her being your GF, but maybe not ready to say that "out loud." So you are trying to turn over all the rocks to "make it work" and avoid a split, like young people usually do.

In case it helps you discern:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

She could try working on herself on her own, like seeing a doc about the intrusive sex thoughts/urges. Maybe reading the jealousy workbook, polysecure, or other books. Maybe thinking about www.coda.org if she's too latched onto you. Or maybe working with a poly counselor.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

But in the end, you CANNOT do her personal inner work FOR her. Only she can do that. And if she will not do her personal work, she is still like this, eventually, however generous you may be, you WILL get tired of this dynamic with you always reassuring, soothing, propping her up after she kicks herself down, etc. Unmanaged mental health (or other healths) is a reason to break up with people. People come as they do and they can't help having things. But if they will NOT take care of themselves, will not do their patient management plan, you don't have to be there propping them up.

You do NOT have to agree to a one-sided relationship where it is open for just her and not you. That's not ok.

You do NOT have to agree to a one-sided relationship, where you do most of the giving and she gets most of the receiving. That's not ok either.

You do not have to do weird or wonky relationships. You could aspire to healthy ones.

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf

Galagirl