Am I being oversensitive or taken advantage of?

[GalaGirl]

She said she doesn't feel able to talk about it all with him. When she had a bad spell last time she was at his, she called me for help, rather than wake him up.

But it's ok to wake YOU up rather than calling her counselor or a support line?

Unfortunately, because of my own trauma around sex and emotional manipulation, it is very hard to not take things as personal attacks each time, or to not blame myself (as I'd been forced to do for years previously).

I have been her "favourite person" for over 3 years and so now it feels like he's becoming that and I feel abandoned, which I'm having to harden my heart about and not be at her beck and call 24/7.

I tried to kill myself several times during that rebuilding and don't think I'm strong enough to rebuild a 2nd time right now

I'm glad you are seeking therapy. I definitely encourage you to think about an individual counselor to support you through this. You sound very tangled up with her.

Too many negative thoughts and emotions and struggling to stay out of the doom spiral I've entered. Yeah, the book has explained it, and in my more calm and logical moments I can talk myself out of feeling personally attacked. But I needed to hear other's thoughts, as I don't know if I'm being silly or justified in how I feel.

Hopefully the therapist can help you process. It's not your job to be her caretaker/free therapist. I think you might be hitting compassion fatigue. And if it's ALSO exacerbating your own conditions, you two may not be compatible. I'm not sure you are ready for this tool, but in case you want to talk the bullet points over with your therapist:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

You also seem to be skirting into "poly under duress," because you might not actually be healthy enough to practice poly but are just going along with it because you are scared to leave/break up. You have a LOT of layers going on here.

I have a lot of trauma around sex being withheld as a weapon against me by my ex wife, so inadvertently, B is triggering a lot of very bad memories atm. I have very low self esteem and am a very tactile person. I need touch, sex, etc., to feel I still have meaning, not just words. That last bit is one of many things I am going to start therapy about.

I wonder if you might benefit from a support animal during this time, even if not an officially trained one? You could volunteer to walk/socialize pets at the pet shelter, or hold babies at the NICU so some of your touch needs are being met regularly. Attend some cuddle parties?

I also wonder if you could take a break from all this, like take a vacation or staycation and not deal in hinge right now, for a weekend or even a week. Get some rest. You sound really run down.

GG

 

[Jezzara]

But it's ok to wake YOU up rather than calling her counselor or a support line?

She doesn't have a counsellor at the moment. I don't know why she reached out to me, not a support line, maybe just comfort in knowing I can handle things?

Hopefully the therapist can help you process. It's not your job to be her caretaker/free therapist. I think you might be hitting compassion fatigue. And if it's ALSO exacerbating your own conditions... you two may not be compatible. I'm not sure you are ready for this tool but in case you want to talk the bullet points over with therapist.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

Thank you. I'll save the link.

You also seem to be skirting into "poly under duress," because you might not actually be healthy enough to practice poly but are just going along with it because you are scared to leave/break up. You have a LOT of layers going on here.

I know I can do it, as she had (still has) a long-distance partner when we met. But atm I'm definitely going along with it, rather than happy about it. The timing is all wrong.

I wonder if you might benefit from a support animal during this time, even if not an officially trained one? You could volunteer to walk/socialize pets at the pet shelter, or hold babies at the NICU, so some of your touch needs are being met regularly. Attend some cuddle parties?

We do have cats and dogs which I cuddle up with, and animals in general do help. I can't have a support animal because of my job.

I also wonder if you could take a break from all this, like take a vacation or staycation and not deal in hinge right now, for a weekend, or even a week. Get some rest. You sound really run down.

Yeah, that could well be a good idea. I definitely need to work on conquering my anxiety about doing things alone.