Opening our marriage due to ED issues

[Xploring]

Hi, I’m a 38 M in a long term relationship with my 39 F wife, 14 years married and a total of over 20 together. We have also only been with each other, neither of us having had another partner before. I have ED issues which we are working on having addressed, but after candid conversations with my wife, I provided her the option to open the marriage, to fulfill her needs for intercourse which I cannot fulfill. We have plenty of sexual interaction. I just have an issue maintaining or getting an erection long enough to perform vaginal intercourse.

After healthy discussion, I proposed a joint male friend to fulfill her needs, who I also assumed might be open to the idea. Fast forward several days, and we had a meeting with him outlining the proposal as I saw it. I proposed group play as my ideal (I am straight just btw), or maybe a form of voyeurism (separate play, but watch each other's interactions, to feel it out) as where I saw this going. After discussion and hearing his concerns, we agreed to start this as a one-on-one with my wife, which honestly may be occurring as we speak.

I feel like we are all in a good head space. I’ve done everything I can to support my wife and build up her confidence in this, and I’m ok with it all… but it also still scares me a bit, that at this early encounter stage I’m “shut out” of the process a bit. They’re meeting today to talk out, and may start acting on the proposal, with my blessing… Like I said above, I personally envisioned this as starting from the get-go as a group activity. But I respect the reasoning for starting it the way we are. I guess I’m asking from other’s experiences, is it OK to feel, not necessarily jealousy or concerned, just a little disappointment that it’s happening the way it is?

I love my wife, and I want her needs fulfilled. I trust the parties, and I’m sure my wife will fill me in as I request, once she returns. This would also never be happening if I weren’t on board or if I had trust issues with either of them. I keep like no friends and I’m more than fortunate to have one willing to pursue this with us… It just, idk, feels weird to have very publicly laid myself out on the table, to now be sitting on the sidelines waiting.

Granted, my wife has promised this is not a one-sided agreement, but between my issues, and the fact we run in a limited circles… I doubt I will ever have the opportunity to take up that offer. I also don’t know if maybe that made this seem weirder to me. For the first 10 years of marriage the sex life was not great, and at some points, particularly postpartum, disappeared entirely for close to a year. She did tell me she had thought about a similar option for me but never acted on it… Which, is it wrong for me to feel a little off put about? Like, I don’t think she’s providing me lip service on this, but for 10 years effectively our problems were reversed, and now that I’m “broken” it’s on the table.

Anyway, sorry for the bit of a long introduction/rant/question list. I feel we’re all committed to doing this right and we’ve talked boundaries, etc. I just feel bad that even though I’m to a definite extent excited for her to be fulfilled again, I just get those little nags in my head that make me feel bad.

Thank you for listening.

 

[Kynde]

It sounds like you have a good arrangement and very normal feelings. I think it's wonderful that you are supportive of your wife and trust her so much, it's a testament to your relationship! It's very normal to feel uneasy or jealous. I do think it's also okay to have them interact one-on-one. It's less messy this way, and affords them the privacy to work out awkwardness or come to their own agreements. I think the biggest thing to think about is if you allow your wife and the friend to manage their own relationship and don't try to control it. It is her responsibility to check in with your feelings and address them, reassure you, and continue to love you.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, I’m a 38 M in a long term relationship with my 39 F wife,

Welcome to the forum. This is discussion board for polyamory (multiple loves) so I am just wondering off the bat if you are fine with your wife falling in love with this friend? Or is this a purely mechanical arrangement in your eyes, where she will enjoy intercourse, but horror would ensue if she developed romantic feelings for, or falls in love with said friend? Or, if he starts falling in love with her? Sex and love go hand in hand, after all. Our bodies/minds/"hearts" are just made that way; our hormones are in on this natural progression.

14 years married and a total of over 20 together. We have also only been with each other, neither of us having had another partner before. I have ED issues which we are working on having addressed, but after candid conversations with my wife, I provided her the option to open the marriage, to fulfill her needs for intercourse which I cannot fulfill. We have plenty of sexual interaction. I just have an issue maintaining or getting an erection long enough to perform vaginal intercourse.

Was she expressing dissatisfaction with the lack of intercourse, since you say you'd been having "plenty of sex" with each other? Or was this more your idea, out of some sort of guilt? If she really enjoys penetration, did you try toys for that, before introducing a whole other person into the mix?

After healthy discussion, I proposed a joint male friend to fulfill her needs, who I also assumed might be open to the idea. Fast forward several days, and we had a meeting with him outlining the proposal as I saw it. I proposed group play as my ideal (I am straight just btw), or maybe a form of voyeurism (separate play, but watch each other's interactions, to feel it out) as where I saw this going. After discussion and hearing his concerns, we agreed to start this as a one-on-one with my wife, which honestly may be occurring as we speak.

I feel like we are all in a good head space. I’ve done everything I can to support my wife and build up her confidence in this, and I’m ok with it all… but it also still scares me a bit, that at this early encounter stage I’m “shut out” of the process a bit.

Was it your wife or your friend that was not interested in being an exhibitionist for your voyeurism? It sounds like you'd prefer to not just watch, but to engage in actual threesome sex, where you did everything you and she wanted together, while the friend also did what he wanted, including the ONE act your body is not cooperative in. But they both(?) shot down even the idea of you watching. Most people are not THAT into exhibitionism. I guess you are disappointed, indeed. You might be tending to compare yourself to the guy with a more cooperative penis, and feel lacking.

They’re meeting today to talk out, and may start acting on the proposal, with my blessing… Like I said above, I personally envisioned this as starting from the get-go as a group activity. But I respect the reasoning for starting it the way we are. I guess I’m asking from other’s experiences, is it OK to feel, not necessarily jealousy or concerned, just a little disappointment that it’s happening the way it is?

"Just a little disappointment" would be putting it mildly. Adding this new sex (love?) partner for your life effectively ends your relationship with her, while a whole new one will rise from the ashes, so to speak.

I love my wife, and I want her needs fulfilled. I trust the parties, and I’m sure my wife will fill me in as I request, once she returns.

Do you mean you want a play-by-play, or just to hear about how she felt about the whole thing? She might not be immediately ready to share every detail after having sex with the only other person she ever has, besides you, for her entire life. That's a huge change!

This would also never be happening if I weren’t on board or if I had trust issues with either of them. I keep like no friends and I’m more than fortunate to have one willing to pursue this with us… It just, idk, feels weird to have very publicly laid myself out on the table, to now be sitting on the sidelines waiting.

I'm glad you trust both of them, but what does that mean? Trust them to do/not do what, exactly? What were your ground rules? I wonder if you have things like "no falling in love," "no kissing," "no dating, just bedroom stuff," "PiV intercourse if okay, but don't do (this or that)," etc. Would you be willing to be more clear?

Granted, my wife has promised this is not a one-sided agreement, but between my issues, and the fact we run in a limited circles… I doubt I will ever have the opportunity to take up that offer. I also don’t know if maybe that made this seem weirder to me.

You might find a way to date, if you really want to... I sense resentment.

For the first 10 years of marriage the sex life was not great, and at some points, particularly postpartum, disappeared entirely for close to a year. She did tell me she had thought about a similar option for me but never acted on it… Which, is it wrong for me to feel a little off put about? Like, I don’t think she’s providing me lip service on this, but for 10 years effectively our problems were reversed, and now that I’m “broken” it’s on the table.

Well, let's not play tit-for-tat and keep a record of what happened over so many years. The sex in almost every long-term relationship waxes and wanes. If you don't have or "keep" many friends, maybe friends have not confessed to you when they go through dry spells with their partner(s)?

Women's sex drives naturally dip because of hormones every month, and during pregnancy, and during lactation, and during the most hectic exhausting years of motherhood. Often they rise when a woman hits her 40s, as well, for various reasons. Sometimes men's drives dip as they hit their 40s too. There's no reason to hold this against each other. It's something you just need to acknowledge and work on. You're getting medical help for your ED? But you chose to offer to open your marriage at this point. Maybe if you dated a new person, your penis would behave differently too because of the excitement of NRE hormones. I don't know.

I do think as things go on, if she continues to date this friend, you have a right to also date other people of the gender you prefer. I'd recommend doing more reading. I'm not sure you/wife have done any at all, or just jumped into the pool without looking at the depth of the water, fingers crossed.

We have a great resources list here:

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-articles-and-books-master-thread.155304/

The best starter books are probably Opening Up and Polysecure.

Are either of you seeing a "poly-friendly" therapist? This is such a huge step. Have you been posting on reddit or anything about opening your marriage, or is this your first time reaching out to experienced people or a therapist?

I feel we’re all committed to doing this right and we’ve talked boundaries, etc.

Again, what boundaries? Boundaries are something you set for yourself, while couples negotiate and make agreements. When dealing with sex, it's not wise to agree to only doing certain sex acts with others, since sex goes a certain way with everyone, and it's almost impossible to follow rules that say "You may do X, but not W, Y or Z."

How "committed" are you, is wife, is friend, and to what, exactly?

I just feel bad that even though I’m to a definite extent excited for her to be fulfilled again, I just get those little nags in my head that make me feel bad.

Thank you for listening.

I hope gaining more knowledge, and continuing to vent here, with helpful people to listen, will ease your transition.

 

[Xploring]

Kynde,

Thank you for the kind words. Yesterday was a bit of an emotional blur and rollercoaster for myself, and for them too I’m sure. Which honestly is something before we started down this path is something I would’ve probably kept well bottled up and stifled. It doesn’t help that I’m now a former first responder and I’ve been coming to terms with the amount of psychological and emotional trauma that took on me over 10 years.

Everything went well for them, which is great, and the fact I know my wife was happy and my friend was too really means more to me than I think I could accurately express.

The problem now is this new found emotional flourishing has caused me to do what I’d call trauma dumping on my wife. Just literally opening the emotional flood gates before I even think of the consequences. Last night, after everything me and her had an amazing evening. Later I texted the friend just to remind him he has the ability to contact me etc… anyways it took him a while to respond, which during that time I freaked out that I had ruined everything, and then I called my wife to ask if I could bring her home a late night snack. I think I said something about treating her way too good, and then I…I just kind of imploded and asked he why she lets me do that.

My mind went kind of blank for a second, and honestly I thought she said something about talking when we got home, she didn’t of course. So I hung up on her, and it caused huge problems when I returned home. In that split second this happened something in my brain tried to justify that my personal issues, which I know are probably due to my stupid failing to handle medical conditions, were now all the result of psychological hold ups from our biggest relationship issue from 4 years ago. I had went a bit overboard for our 10th anniversary, and custom designed her a special anniversary band, I got a promise she’d buy me a new drum set which never materialized… I know it sounds stupidly petty as I say it. So, yeah in summary I accused her of taking advantage of me, and also being the cause of my personal problems.

Once I got control of myself again I tried to wind it back in, and explain this isn’t how I really do feel it’s just like it’s a panic reaction to everything… like I am unquestionably happy about the new level of the relationship, but it has been scary. Also beginning to deal with my own ED issues is straight up terrifying me. So somewhere between there my mind just jumped completely off the deep end.

I think she understands, I also think or at least hope to hell my mind is done doing this shit to me. I’ve reassured her this is not about the relationship, and that I want it to continue. I want her to be fulfilled and happy, I want my friend happy… and now I’m seriously concerned I did some damage. I’m hoping my wife takes my retraction to heart, but now I'm not scared of the relationship, I’m scared of what I might have done to it going forward.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm sorry. We posted at the same time, and your mindset took a very different turn...

Thank you for your service. I wonder if your (possible) PTSD and "trying to be strong," has psychologically affected your sexual response abilities? Again, what about therapy, to dig deeply into things?

It's not stupid to avoid getting medical help. Many, if not most, men don't go to doctors enough, as it's part of toxic masculinity to admit to needing help.

 

[Xploring]

Welcome to the forum. This is discussion board for polyamory (multiple loves) so I am just wondering off the bat if you are fine with your wife falling in love with this friend? Or is this a purely mechanical arrangement in your eyes, where she will enjoy intercourse, but horror would ensue if she developed romantic feelings for, or falls in love with said friend? Or, if he starts falling in love with her? Sex and love go hand in hand, after all. Our bodies/minds/"hearts" are just made that way; our hormones are in on this natural progression.

I think we’re working on defining that at this point. I think she saw it as being purely mechanical, but there has to be a relationship component here. I would say we both love our friend to a very significant level. All parties are heterosexual, so my love for him is at point where I don’t think I can necessarily go farther, but maybe I could. My wife and I still want to be the primary partnership, but we want the relationship with him, if that answers the question, maybe.

Was she expressing dissatisfaction with the lack of intercourse, since you say you'd been having "plenty of sex" with each other? Or was this more your idea, out of some sort of guilt? If she really enjoys penetration, did you try toys for that, before introducing a whole other person into the mix?

The issue has grown over the last 4 years. We’ve tried toys with a certain level of enjoyment. I have tried pills with limited results to aid myself. I’ve known this was becoming an issue for her and for me. We finally had our serious talk about it, and the idea did come from me, but I’d say we were both thinking along the same lines. We didn’t want a body. We had a strong inkling this might work with the friend, and that was who we wanted to share our intimate selves with.

Was it your wife or your friend that was not interested in being an exhibitionist for your voyeurism? It sounds like you'd prefer to not just watch, but to engage in actual threesome sex, where you did everything you and she wanted together, while the friend also did what he wanted, including the ONE act your body is not cooperative in. But they both(?) shot down even the idea of you watching. Most people are not THAT into exhibitionism. I guess you are disappointed, indeed. You might be tending to compare yourself to the guy with a more cooperative penis, and feel lacking.

I thought we could jump into this as a whole group, at least, that was the idea I had in my head. I thought starting this as an individual relationship would be a dealbreaker for me, but I realize it isn’t.

I definitely understand the aversion to exhibitionism. It was an option I thought might allow me to get involved, if it made the others comfortable, but really it’s not where I’d want this to ever stay long term. I know part of all this, starting as it is, is because he was concerned I would have issues being present and not being able to fulfill my wife the same ways. Sexual relations and arousal, to me, have always been very focused on pleasing my wife, and I feel like I’m pretty comfy of my situation. But, I’m not going to lie-- there were a few seconds of internal twinges at first, when she talked to me about how she enjoyed his penis, being as mine is currently not able to be. But it subsided damn near immediately.

"Just a little disappointment" would be putting it mildly. Adding this new sex (love?) partner for your life effectively ends your relationship with her, while a whole new one will rise from the ashes, so to speak.

Yeah, I’ve come to terms with that. This has and will continue to change our dynamic. I’m excited for the future of us.

Do you mean you want a play-by-play, or just to hear about how she felt about the whole thing? She might not be immediately ready to share every detail after having sex with the only other person she ever has, besides you, for her entire life. That's a huge change!

So I left that open to them to cue me in as they would like, and she also has clarified with me the level of detail I wanted. She was willing to, and provided me a very detailed account of their first encounter, while she was being intimate with me. It made both of us feel better. It made both of us enjoy ourselves, and it was great. I hope it continues going forward.

I'm glad you trust both of them, but what does that mean? Trust them to do/not do what, exactly? What were your ground rules? I wonder if you have things like "no falling in love," "no kissing," "no dating, just bedroom stuff," "PiV intercourse if okay, but don't do (this or that)," etc. Would you be willing to be more clear?

So intentional repeated kissing on the mouth is at this the boundary. The other is that we agree to come back to the table if this can’t be an “all of us” relationship. Not saying that’s a dealbreaker, but it could be. We have agreed to that, at this point. The other discussed one yesterday was when/if our friend finds himself a new personal partner, it will likely end, or at least stop to see if maybe we want to expand the group.

You might find a way to date, if you really want to... I sense resentment.

Yeah, I’m not going to lie-- it’s something I’m working through. I don’t want it to come in the way of this. I think it partly comes from the headspace of simultaneously doing this, and really trying to wrestle with my own medical issue. I’m not saying it won’t ever happen, but this was also, to us, an exceedingly rare chance of all the stars aligning with our mutual friend.

We have two kids, a limited social life, and I don’t think either of us would ever honestly go out and actively look for another partner for me. I also doubt one might fall into my lap, and it’s not for me about getting my own partner. I’d want, and I believe she would too, for us to have the same ideal three-part relationship. Which I think makes it potentially a lot less likely.

Well, let's not play tit-for-tat and keep a record of what happened over so many years. The sex in almost every long-term relationship waxes and wanes. If you don't have or "keep" many friends, maybe friends have not confessed to you when they went through dry spells with their partner(s)?

Women's sex drives naturally dip because of hormones every month, and during pregnancy, and during lactation, and during the most hectic exhausting years of motherhood. Often they rise when a woman hits her 40s, as well, for various reasons. Sometimes men's drives dip as they hit their 40s too. There's no reason to hold this against each other. It's something you just need to acknowledge and work on. You're getting medical help for your ED? But you chose to offer to open your marriage at this point. Maybe if you dated a new person, your penis would behave differently too because of the excitement of NRE hormones. I don't know.

Yeah, it’s not fair of me to do that. We talked through the issues at the time. I do believe her when she says that she had thought about a partner for myself at that point. I’m sure she meant it as caring, and maybe a bit of a consoling point, but it struck a nerve slightly. More so as to whether at that moment the statement was genuine or not than anything else.

Are either of you seeing a "poly-friendly" therapist? This is such a huge step. Have you been posting on reddit or anything about opening your marriage, or is this your first time reaching out to experienced people or a therapist?

This is my first time reaching out or posting on this subject. We’ve both seen therapists over the years for other issues. We did admittedly jump in. I’ve been around poly coworkers in the past, and our friend had been in limited poly relationships in the past.

Again, what boundaries? Boundaries are something you set for yourself, while couples negotiate and make agreements. When dealing with sex, it's not wise to agree to only doing certain sex acts with others, since sex goes a certain way with everyone, and it's almost impossible to follow rules that say "You may do X, but not W, Y or Z."

Yeah, I think at this point may boundaries is not the right word. The table is open, and the limits are pretty limitless. What exists as boundaries are geared more relationship than sex, i.e., deliberate repeated kissing on the mouth, changes in whether we can make this a group thing or not. Also changes in our friend’s relationship status. We’re also not saying it’s “no go zone,” more of a "stop, and let’s think this through" point.

How "committed" are you, is wife, is friend, and to what, exactly?

I honestly can’t speak 100% for the other parties, and nor should I. Personally, I’m committed to seeing this out to some kind of natural conclusion, whatever that might be. I feel like they are both there too. I love my wife and I love my friend, and as long as this is a beneficial relationship to all parties and non-toxic, I’m happy to go down this road.

I hope gaining more knowledge, and continuing to vent here, with helpful people to listen, will ease your transition.

Thank you.

 

[Xploring]

I'm sorry. We posted at the same time, and your mindset took a very different turn...

No you’re perfectly fine.

It also doesn’t help I wrote that initial post at a moment of great insecurity seeking some validation for my thoughts and feelings at that hot second.

I have psychological issues from my time. I spent most of it pulling double duty as a volunteer firefighter, and career 911 operator, which was burning the candle from both ends. As I’ve moved on to new horizons I’ve learned how messed up that collective trauma has been. I’m sure it’s something I will explore as I go forward.

And yeah, I’m a poster child stubborn male about my health. I allowed my diabetes to go unchecked for a few years, discounting the symptoms of that as stress from work, which is where probably most of my problem stems from, or at least I assume that until proven otherwise.

I guess I’m using all this as a moment to work on fixing myself. At this point I’m just more scared personally that while being a stubborn ass I made myself one of the 10% that can’t be successfully helped.

I mean hopefully that’s not the case. I’ll be honest-- I don’t have my urology appointment for a little over a week, but my mind thrives in worst-case scenario land… So I’ve been researching penile implants and the process, assuming that’s kind of the worst-case scenario that would fix me. Doing that has also honestly helped me realize there’s a good chance that maybe I can get back to normal.

Also, sorry, I’m not trying to make this an ED thing. It’s just I’m kind of having two psychological/emotional awakenings at once, and I’m struggling to make sense of both, but not either in a bad way. And I trying my hardest to keep one from hurting the other.

Thank you again for listening.

 

[Magdlyn]

No worries. You're very welcome. And I'm sure other helpful people will be coming along too.

Thanks for more info. Here's my take, FWIW. For whatever reason, you opened your marriage. I see that you desire what we call a triad, where all three members are involved romantically and sexually, or at least, as much involvement as two straight guys (assuming friend is straight) can have. There's no reason for you to do "gay stuff" if you're not inclined that way!

There is another poly model called a V, where the hinge or point of the V is involved with the two "arms," but those two people are not closely involved romantically or sexually. Therefore, there wouldn't necessarily be much happening as far as sexual threesome acts goes. In most Vs, the two arms are platonic friends, at best. Sometimes they aren't even friends, and rarely see each other, except in passing.

If neither Wife nor Friend are interested in sexual threesomes, that is their choice, right?

Even in a triad, there are 4 relationships.

you+wife
you+friend
wife+friend
all three of you

You're not just one big lump. Nor would any future OSO of Friend be part of your "lump." There's a network, but it's all negotiated how close each individual wants to be with every other one.

Your friend is now what we call your metamour, the other partner of your partner. (And you're his metamour.) You'd like a more melded relationship, where you and he could tag team, in close encounters, all in bed together, to please your wife on a regular basis. You have FOMO. And maybe some fear of loss. What if she prefers his sexual style and his ability to get and remain erect? He's afraid of that too.

In polyamory, the point is not to leave one partner after you get a new one. Whether you all have threeway sex or not, you seem confident in your wife's love and commitment, as you have a long history, house, kids and all that.

I once broke up with a new dating partner because, after a couple times of us having sex, his gf told him he wasn't allowed to kiss me, and he agreed and relayed that info to me. I found that insulting. I outright asked, Can you kiss my neck? Yes. Can you kiss my breasts? Yes. Can you "kiss" my pussy? Yes. Mouth? NO.

It just seemed so unnatural.

Now, I know many swinger types don't let their main partner kiss their casual sex partners. Kissing, eye gazing, cuddling and vanilla dates one-on-one lead to romance and falling in love. Unless all three of you are committed to this concept, there could be a mess. Of course, to polyamorous people, the idea IS to fall in love. It's not just about sexual satisfaction. So all the above romantic actions are generally expected, and fine. (There are even asexual poly folk, and aromantic poly folks, who still want to express love in their own ways.)

To hopefully avoid many difficulties, please do more research into polyamory and ENM in general. We have a great resource list here:

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

Most people like Opening Up and Polysecure for starters. If you're not a reader, check out the Multiamory podcast.

But there are lots of shorter articles there too, on various topics you might need info on.

I applaud you for reaching out here, for starters. Next, medical help, maybe therapy, and so on!

 

[Xploring]

Magdlyn,

Thank you again for the guidance and references. I will be definitely checking them out.

I think while getting our feet wet into this we definitely have more to figure out. I have that picture in my head of what I thought this would or will be like, but being here and going forward will be different. As a result I’ve find myself adapting from that mental picture.

And I’m sure in very first thoughts of this I only considered this to be a sexual thing, but it only took me a few seconds to realize that’s unrealistic. We all have emotional attachments to each other, we hang out together, we hang out as different duo pairings which is probably why this felt like a step we wanted to venture into.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Xploring,

It sounds like you were hoping for a group activity, where this has ended up being a one-on-one between your wife and this other fellow. Of course you are going to feel disappointed, maybe even a little jealous. These are normal things to feel, do not feel guilty because you are a little disappointed or even jealous. It sound like you are fine with this, you just have some sex-them stuff where you are worried about them having sex. You need to worry about when you and she are going to have sex, you need her to love you in spite of the ED.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Xploring]

Hi ktd26417,

Thanks for the kind words. Yeah, in the heat of the moment I got super freaked out, because it wasn’t starting the way I'd planned it mentally. But group activity, at this point, is our mutual goal, and if it changes we will have that discussion. I think we’re all in a good headspace, and I’m just doing some freaking out because it’s so beyond our norm. But it feels like a good thing. My wife and our friend had a good time and that’s what I wanted for them both.

I also clearly have a bit of a fixer/helper complex and consider myself to be pretty empathetic. So I’m maybe just getting too mentally into their side of the relationship, at this point. Like, I don’t want to control it, but I want to make it the best I can for them… which has me kind of fumbling and bumbling like an idiot. I sure I can find the right balance, I just hope I can start figuring it out.

 

[kdt26417]

No problem, it sounds like you are just getting into this, little by little. Hopefully you will all be able to have a group activity soon.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yeah, in the heat of the moment I got super freaked out, because it wasn’t starting the way I'd planned it mentally. But group activity, at this point, is our mutual goal, and if it changes we will have that discussion.

If what changes? If one of them admits they don't want to do sexual threesomes much or at all?

I think we’re all in a good headspace, and I’m just doing some freaking out because it’s so beyond our norm. But it feels like a good thing. My wife and our friend had a good time, and that’s what I wanted for them both.

That's perfect.

I also clearly have a bit of a fixer/helper complex and consider myself to be pretty empathetic. So I’m maybe just getting too mentally into their side of the relationship, at this point.

As I said above, it helps to think of all this interaction between three people as not "a" relationship, but several. You take care of the YOU things, Wife takes care of HER things, Friend takes care of HIS things. Then, you and Wife take care of YOUR relationship, Wife and Friend take care of THEIR relationship/interactions, you and Friend take care of YOUR shared platonic friendship/relationship.

Like, I don’t want to control it, but I want to make it the best I can for them… which has me kind of fumbling and bumbling like an idiot.

You don't need to supervise or help them along, except give your consent for them to date. That would definitely be awkward. Give them the time and space to nurture and grow their relationship. They'll figure it out. Do they really need your tips? Wait for one of them to ask for your help, if they do need it in any way.

Where did they have their first sex? At Friend's place?

Threesomes can be sexy, but again, it might help to not make those your goal, or to expect the other two to want that as a goal either. Most poly people, even long-term couples, date independently. Why do you want to be involved in their sex? To enjoy yourself, or to attempt to guide them or control them somehow, or protect yourself, or to protect your relationship with Wife somehow? (It could be a combination of any of these things.) Take time to sit with your feelings and identify them before acting.

I sure I can find the right balance, I just hope I can start figuring it out.

 

[Xploring]

If what changes? If one of them admits they don't want to do sexual threesomes much or at all?

Yes, and I’m feeling like that’s becoming less of an issue, if that did happen. It was my expectation/where I was comfortable at when we started these discussions, and we had agreed to that, at the time, as our goal. But clearly this is going to evolve and grow on its own.

I’m breaking past that post mentally where, to me, it’s an “us” relationship, instead of individual, but intertwined ones.

In terms of the rest of what you said, I certainly see it. I think part of it is me just coming to terms with no longer being the sole partner. It’s not a need to control, but I felt compelled, and still do, honestly, to be part of all of my wife’s intimacy. I know that’s not how this can work, and I’m working on mentally adjusting that.

I will also admit that part of that is for my own pleasure, both sexual and emotional, to be a part of it, even if I’m not there. Their activities are going to kept at his location for the foreseeable future. That involvement is selfish of me, and I recognize that. I just feel like I’m in a massively vulnerable state where I have, in my mind, the biggest potential to lose of all parties involved…That’s not saying we don’t all have our stakes in this, but at this point, I’m kind of sitting by on the sidelines of this developing relationship twiddling my thumbs, all the while thinking about the relationship I’ve given up, and scared if this goes wrong for some reason I could lose everything, and I’ll have gained nothing except probably some more psychological baggage to haunt me. Which even sounds terrible as I say it, but at this point I still feel it.

 

[Magdlyn]

I think you're doing a great job analyzing all this. The only thing that's a shame is that you didn't foresee any of these concerns and go over some of the ways you, or Wife, or Friend, might feel about it, in advance. But hey, it is what it is. (Maybe you're an Aries like my bf-- "ready, shoot, aim!" is the Aries motto. )

There are many other ways to deal with ED than to encourage your wife to go get another cock, but you can't close the barn door at this point. Maybe you'll get medical/psychological help for the conditions leading to your ED, while at the same time, Friend finds Ms Right and ends the relationship with Wife. Then you'll have to decide if you (and Wife, plural you) will want to close up again, since the original problem has improved, or if she enjoyed the variety, the interest, of having had intimacy/sex with more than one other person her entire life, and wants to continue down that path.

"Losing everything" is doomspeak. I don't blame you for spiraling, but things aren't that bleak.

 

[Xploring]

Thanks Magdlyn

I feel like we did an OK job at talking out a lot of it. They’re aware of my concerns and have been since before we started, which is probably why we continued into this. I guess the feelings got stronger as reality set in, but I’m figuring it out.

I know in my heart or hearts everything will work out. My awkward freak out for the moment has dampened my and my wife’s relationship a little bit, but I’m sure we can work on it. We will still have our intimate relationship, and going forward for now she’ll have another separate one and that is fine.

I’ll continue working on my problems, and my wife is being super supportive. I start meeting with a urologist next week, and she will be accompanying me for support which I feel is an immensely powerful statement of her love for me. Hopefully I can get some good news, or at least start down a good path for myself and re-fulfilling her all her needs. Which honestly are my needs to, I’ve just spent the last few years resigning myself to never experiencing them again… which is probably the most doomspeaking I’ve ever done.

Hopefully everything goes great for all of us. I know I had that first reaction to this was all about my ED. But honestly, I feel like even without the issues we may very well have trod down this road at some point. I can’t quite explain the relationship as it existed before this, but there was so much to it beyond basic friendship. Also my wife is growing sexually on top of my issues, which is something that I’m happy to see especially considering how it has been in the past for her.

 

[satinpetals]

Hi, I’m a 38 M in a long term relationship with my 39 F wife, 14 years married and a total of over 20 together. We have also only been with each other, neither of us having had another partner before. I have ED issues which we are working on having addressed, but after candid conversations with my wife, I provided her the option to open the marriage, to fulfill her needs for intercourse which I cannot fulfill. We have plenty of sexual interaction. I just have an issue maintaining or getting an erection long enough to perform vaginal intercourse.

After healthy discussion, I proposed a joint male friend to fulfill her needs, who I also assumed might be open to the idea. Fast forward several days, and we had a meeting with him outlining the proposal as I saw it. I proposed group play as my ideal (I am straight just btw), or maybe a form of voyeurism (separate play, but watch each other's interactions, to feel it out) as where I saw this going. After discussion and hearing his concerns, we agreed to start this as a one-on-one with my wife, which honestly may be occurring as we speak.

I feel like we are all in a good head space. I’ve done everything I can to support my wife and build up her confidence in this, and I’m ok with it all… but it also still scares me a bit, that at this early encounter stage I’m “shut out” of the process a bit. They’re meeting today to talk out, and may start acting on the proposal, with my blessing… Like I said above, I personally envisioned this as starting from the get-go as a group activity. But I respect the reasoning for starting it the way we are. I guess I’m asking from other’s experiences, is it OK to feel, not necessarily jealousy or concerned, just a little disappointment that it’s happening the way it is?

I love my wife, and I want her needs fulfilled. I trust the parties, and I’m sure my wife will fill me in as I request, once she returns. This would also never be happening if I weren’t on board or if I had trust issues with either of them. I keep like no friends and I’m more than fortunate to have one willing to pursue this with us… It just, idk, feels weird to have very publicly laid myself out on the table, to now be sitting on the sidelines waiting.

Granted, my wife has promised this is not a one-sided agreement, but between my issues, and the fact we run in a limited circles… I doubt I will ever have the opportunity to take up that offer. I also don’t know if maybe that made this seem weirder to me. For the first 10 years of marriage the sex life was not great, and at some points, particularly postpartum, disappeared entirely for close to a year. She did tell me she had thought about a similar option for me but never acted on it… Which, is it wrong for me to feel a little off put about? Like, I don’t think she’s providing me lip service on this, but for 10 years effectively our problems were reversed, and now that I’m “broken” it’s on the table.

Anyway, sorry for the bit of a long introduction/rant/question list. I feel we’re all committed to doing this right and we’ve talked boundaries, etc. I just feel bad that even though I’m to a definite extent excited for her to be fulfilled again, I just get those little nags in my head that make me feel bad.

Thank you for listening.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey. My husband and I began exploring this for similar reasons (not ED but his insecurities about his size) and it’s a steep trust curve. Nothing but happiness for you all!