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RainbowDreamscape

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Okay, here's the story. I had idealistic views on how my new polyamory thing would work out, thinking that I would meet some nice guy who would know I'm married and would be open to poly. He'd meet my husband, and everything would be perfect.

It didn't quite work that way. I met an awesome guy who was open to poly. He knew I was married. We hung out for a long time and were great buds. But then my husband went out of town, and it's not hard to guess what happened next.

I don't regret having sex with him at all. It's just that it happened backwards. We were feeling and not thinking. But I got what I wanted: someone who I felt closeness, connection, affection and intimacy from and for. But my husband hasn't met him and doesn't know I did anything. What do I do?
 
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Uh, did you talk to your husband at all beforehand? Not clear from your post.
 
I think you should tell him as soon as possible, own up to it, say you realise it didn't go ideally, and you should have talked with him more first, and gotten the okay to do things while he was gone, so he wouldn't feel like you did it behind his back. Ask him how he feels and what you guys should do next.

The longer you wait, the worse he's going to feel when he learns. He might be able to understand if you tell him right away that you were caught up in it. Make it clear that you love him and don't want to hurt him.

Tell him you'd like to make things work, and ask if he wants to meet your boyfriend. From there, really, it will depend on his reactions.
 
I'm with Tonberry. Tell him now. Talking and joking about poly are one thing... Fucking your brains out for three days without talking to your husband first is going to hit him with the brick wall of reality. He may be overjoyed. He may flat-out call it cheating. Don't be defensive. Be understanding.

It sounds like you are radiating logic-bending NRE. Keep it under wraps while you talk to him. I wouldn't direct him to this site for advice after that description of your weekend, at least for a while.

I agree with your subject. You probably did fuck up, but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Putting everything with this friend on hold until your hubby is good, would be another recommendation. Talk as honestly as you can.
 
I think you have two choices. Tell him, and deal with the fall-out of your lack of integrity, dishonesty, untrustworthiness, selfishness, shame, guilt and a world of pain you will see in your partner's eyes, or shut up, suck it up and never ever do it again, including never ever seeing the new man or talking with him again.

To me, this is the reality you have caused yourself. I hope it was worth it.

I'm sorry this is harsh. But having done both myself, I can say with a lot of conviction that you will forget what the sex was like ten years from now, and only remember the pain you caused yourself and everyone involved, including future lovers, because that never goes away.
 
redpepper said:
I'm sorry this is harsh, but having done both, I can say with a lot of conviction, you will forget what the sex was like ten years from now and only remember the pain you caused yourself and everyone involved, including future lovers, because that never goes away....
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*raises a glass of something and toasts with RedPepper*

What she said.
 
Early lessons

Hey Rainbow,

How much have you and your hubby actually discussed what polyamory means to you both? Or have you at all?

I admit to coming more from the liberal camp than many who may respond. To me, if the discussions are happing properly up front, space has been made for spontaneity. By that, I'm not indicating no guidelines whatsoever. I'm advocating for a more reasonable approach to resolving conflicts because of variations in understanding, or behavior around those guidelines.

The bottom line for many of us is safety. That's a #1 guideline that can invoke some major confrontations.

Beyond that, I'm from a mindset that wants to allow things to flow as naturally as possible in order to reach their full potential. Anything short of that injects the potential for "control dynamics." I don't want to be one who infringes on my lover's freedom of choice and judgement at any given moment. I think this is a disempowering thing for many people, can exhibit a lack of trust/confidence etc., none of which do much to build a strong relationship.

So, depending on what you and he have discussed prior, to me, if there's an agreement that poly is how we are going to proceed, then unless agreed otherwise, there's an expectation of the unknown, and also the expectation of using good judgement along the way.

There's a balance of considering other's opinions and feelings vs a reality that is in our face at a given moment, and the level of trust and respect we are offered to manage it safely and with a positive outcome, a balance that takes time and communication to master.
 
Muddy

My husband and I have been reading Polyamory: the new love without limits, by Dr. Deborah M. Anapol.

He is aware that I want to explore this, and is also aware and has acknowledged our different sex drives and needs right now. The reason I think I screwed up is because I didn't get his "permission" to sleep with this guy, although he does know about him.

Am I seeing myself as some sort of possession? The fact that there are secrets is a red flag. I feel guilt or disapproval of my own choice or fear of my husband's reaction.
 
RainbowDreamscape said:
Am I seeing myself as some sort of possession?
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What do you mean? You're wondering if you're seeing yourself as belonging to your husband? Well, maybe you are, and maybe you aren't, but that's beside the point. Neither of you belong to the other. You have a relationship that is based on trust, and the fact you went behind his back and hid things is betraying that trust. It doesn't mean you are "his" and need his "permission" to do things. But at the very least, he deserves to know all the facts beforehand. And if you want the relationship to be the best possible, then ideally, yes, you make sure everything is fine with what is going on, make decisions together, etc.

It's not a case of him having to decide for you. It's a case of you not deciding on your own, and both of you deciding together.
 
The cornerstones of polyamory are honesty, integrity, and concern for everyone involved in a relationship. This is not the path you're walking.

By jumping directly from the theoretical possibility of polyamory as a beneficial change in your marriage to a fait accompli covert sexual relationship, you have totally set polyamory aside in favor of a garden-variety extramarital affair. That's the sandwich you've ordered, and you'll have a hard time sending it back to the kitchen and trading it for polyamory, especially if your husband has the serious communication issues you refer to in the other thread, and he's only recently opened up enough to tell you there are problems in your marriage that have been building up over the years.

Whichever way you go, buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
 
Rainbow, It can still be okay. I know, it happened to me. Yeah, it was like being hit by a ton of bricks, then kicked a few times when I was down. Be prepared for him to be angry. Be willing for him to lay down the initial ground rules. That will make him feel better. That's my advice. Good luck.
 
RainbowDreamscape said:
He is aware that I want to explore this and is aware and has acknowledged our different sex drives and needs right now. The reason I think I screwed up is because I didn't get his "permission" to sleep with this guy, although he does know about him.

Am I seeing myself as some sort of possession? The fact that there are secrets is a red flag. I feel guilt or disapproval of my own choice, or fear of my husband's reaction.
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Why look at it as "permission"? I understand that it could possibly feel that way, but it's not just a decision for you to make or for him to make. It's something you both make together (depending on the boundaries, I guess). It's not only for peace of mind, but for safety, as well.

I'm not in a polyamorous relationship with my SO, but we do have an open relationship. We've discussed that we keep communication open with everything, including our intentions with people. If someone random does come up sponateously on the radar, we tell each other at the next available and appropriate opportunity. There have been times where the truth has made things difficult, but that's where the communication comes in. The moment that you hide information or even slight details is when the trust starts to drop.

I've been on both sides, where I had to tell the truth and where the truth was told to me. I understand it's uncomfortable, and sometimes you just think "What they don't know can't hurt them." But finding out the truth later on hurts more. Once you break that trust on that type of level, it's hard to rebuild.

Be honest. Be willing to work things out. Listen and see what they might have for suggestions for next time. I've learned that it's a continuous learning experience, and you can't always get it right on the first try.
 
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The word and idea of "permission" is an interesting one. Usually when we enter into a relationship with someone, it comes with expectations. One of these is that we won't have sex with others. At least, this is part of the expectations of monogamous relationships, which is what you, Rainbow, started with. So the idea of permission might make sense from this point of view perhaps. (I don't know. I haven't been in a mono for a realllllly long time and never actually "got" them when I was.) It sounds like you had one conversation and had just started discussing the topic of polyamory, just a notion of what it might mean to you both.

Of course we are not "owned" by our partners, but we respect them and understand the nature of the trust they have in us. It is this trust and respect that is thought of when we desire others and want to engage sexually with them, not if we have permission. That is a slippery slope that leads to justifying fucking whoever we want, just because we get resentful. It twists our partner's right to be respected, considered and cherished.

Personally, if I had a partner that thought I should ask permission of them, I would be wondering what was behind that. What is it they need from me in order to feel respected, cherished and that I can be trusted?

The same the other way around. If a partner thought that I expected them to ask for my permission, I would be wondering what was behind that, too. Do they think I don't trust them? Do they not cherish or respect me enough to know that I honour their freedom to do what they will, but will not stay if they damage their integrity and self worth with cheating and lying in order to get their needs met?

There is no need for it. I would expect them to exercise good boundaries when it comes to sex. I would trust them to check in with me first, because they care about my feelings, about what I think and that I am okay. If I am not okay, I would also trust them to slow down, make sure I am okay, and continue at a pace that feels safe for me. It isn't expected to just stop moving forward, but moving more slowly is respectful.
 
About that "ownership" thing, I think a good way to put it might be that you don't belong to each other, but you both belong to the relationship. You both have responsibilities that you wouldn't have if you were single, and these responsibilities include keeping each other informed. Maybe you feel like having to tell him is cramping your style, or that it's not fair that you have to tell him, because it's your life.

But it's all relevant to him. When you have sex with someone other than your partner, then you have sex with your partner, it's like they had sex with that person by proxy. Any risk you might have taken will be risks for him, too. Even if you use protection, things aren't 100% safe.

I think that informing him is the very least you can do. By entering a relationship with you, the new man is also entering a (different) relationship with your husband. It seems to me that when you're adding more people to a relationship, everyone should be on the same page.

Also, it seems to me that the way you talk about it (asking permission, etc.) makes it sound like you expect him to say no, to be against it, to have a problem with it. When you expect someone to be fine with something, you don't see a problem with telling them about it. But if you think he wouldn't be fine with something, isn't doing it behind his back even worse? That's something to consider, at least.
 
Asking permission

I have been in a couple of poly relationships. My wife of 15 years would probably fit into the category of the ethical slut. When I first knew her, she was very promiscuous. She felt obliged to tell anybody she had sex with about anybody else that she was having sex with concurrently. That included me.

Being rather English, I feel that it is just good manners for her to ask me if it is okay if she wants to have sex with someone else. First, I think it is a matter of politeness, just plain good manners, to ask. Second, there might be a reason why I am uncomfortable with the prospective dating partner, and might wish to say no. And third, I find that simply being informed gives me the feeling that I have no say in the matter. I think it is not sufficient that I am in a poly relationship, and therefore, she should not have to ask, on the basis that I expect it. And fourth, I suppose, I find it erotic to be able to say yes, and possibly to hear all about it later, or even join in.

That is far removed from just being told about it, with no say. Being asked is much sexier, more erotic, in my experience. Am I wrong?
 
RainbowDreamscape said:
He is aware that I want to explore this, and is aware and has acknowledged our different sex drives and needs right now.
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Well, there is a difference between 'being aware' and 'being in agreement.'

You seem to be skirting around the question/reality. Let me ask another way. Have you two reached a point where he knows you intend to go forward with this, and is at least prepared to deal with it as you go? Or do you honestly think that, from his perspective, it's all still theoretical, and that you blindsided him by taking it 'real' prematurely?

RainbowDreamscape said:
The reason I think I screwed up is because I didn't get his "permission" to sleep with this guy, although he does know about him.
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Okay. So, for me, if I knew you had a prospect, knew you were seeing him, or intended to, I would assume it would take a sexual direction if the opportunity presented itself. After all, that is part of the purpose of polyamory, no?

The discussion possibly lacking is around whether he feels he needs to meet a new person first, whether he needs to be present. These are conversations that, in an ideal world, would have happened in advance. But we don't live in an ideal world; we may not have ideal communication skills.

Regardless of how this particular stage shakes out, I think you both need to keep that central to any discussion. You're both in the learning stage. You may make mistakes. Vow to be as careful as possible not to. Commit to that.

RainbowDreamscape said:
Am I seeing myself as some sort of possession? The fact that there are secrets is a red flag, though, that I feel guilt or disapproval of my own choice, or fear of my husband's reaction.
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Quite possibly. That is, after all, the old model, a lot of ownership and control dynamics going both ways. This is part of the relearning process. But you are not likely there yet.
 
Tonberry said:
I think about that "ownership" thing, a good way to put it might be that you don't belong to each other, but you both belong to the relationship.
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I like this. It makes sense to me. When we decide to be in a relationship, we become part of that relationship, rather than part of each other.
Tonberry said:
When you have sex with someone other than your partner, then you have sex with your partner, it's like they had sex with that person by proxy. Any risk you might have taken will be risks for him too. Even if you use protection, things aren't 100% safe.
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The risk is not only physical. It's emotional, too. There is no protection for emotional risk. That is why there is so much processing for a couple that has invested in each other.

GroundedSpirit said:
For me, if I knew you had a prospect, knew you were seeing him, I would assume it would take a sexual direction if the opportunity presented itself. After all, this is part of the purpose of polyamory, no?
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The thing is, GS, you have been around this block before and have experience. You and your wife know what to expect, and have some idea of what might happen if things get sexual. Yes, that is a good goal. It is healthy to be able to assume things will get sexual if you have had poly relationships before. That is part of it.

But the OP and her partner haven't experienced polyamorous relationships yet, and were just talking about how it might play out for them. It seems to me she went from zero to a hundred in the course of a weekend. This plays out very differently for someone that has not finished negotiating the boundaries of their first poly relationship, compared to someone who has had years of experience, and a wife that he has been married to for many years, no?
 
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