When the jealousy is too much
- Thread starter Rachelina
- Start date
I just reread this thread and have a couple more thoughts.
It sounds like you're very tied to the house, and as a matter of course, do most of the cleaning and cooking, and care for your son, and also care for your husband's ex's kids on the weekend. Your first instinct was to meet and befriend your meta, clean the house, not quickly, but from top to bottom. Your instinct was to cook for her, not just a regular meal, but something elaborate, when you could've just chosen to meet her for coffee for an hour. Sigh...
I imagine your husband telling his gf, "Sure, just come on by for dinner! My wife's a great cook! We have a big happy house full of kids, with plenty of playroom space and toys! Wife can't wait to meet you. It'll be great." Meanwhile, you're absolutely fecking miserable and terrified.
Husband was meeting with the new "beautiful" artsy-fartsy gf while you were home taking care of HIS bio kids? You may think of yourself as their second mom, since they lived with you for a number of years. But how does it happen that husband is off doing hanky panky (flirting, falling in love, cuddling) with this new person, while you're home on kid duty, clueless? Oh, yeah, he was "working."
Sure, Jan.
Maybe you have an agreement that he can date whom he wants as long as he tells you when he falls in love and wants to take it to sexual. But it sounds like you don't have that agreement, since you were out of your mind with jealousy, and snooping in his phone, and were upset they'd been texting "24/7" without your knowledge.
Has husband lost his job? You say you two have no income right now. Is he doing this "art project" to get work? But meanwhile he's starting a new relationship, while unemployed, probably "kindly" counseling a beautiful pitiful young woman in the throes of divorce, with her young child always in tow? Aww, how sweet. Maybe you can mother both of them, too.
How many kids did he have with his ex, that you are now mothering, while he's off running around god knows where? And now he's taking on a new gf, also coming equipped with a toddler, instead of caring for the 2, 3 or more kids he's already got?
Where are his priorities? Meanwhile, you're at home, the good little woman, taking care of home, in the kitchen, doing everything for his kids? Of course he doesn't want to break up with you. He has a good wife, who is an attentive mom to his bio kids. Wouldn't we all want a good wife? But this sounds so patriarchal, him dating all these women while you're home with the kids.
Do you and he ever go on dates? Why do you need his NRE spillover to get his attention and energy?
Do you work outside the home? If not, why not?
You only have one kid of your own. Is he in school yet?
It sounds like your life would be so much less complicated if you left hubby, got an apartment, got a job, your own money (and alimony and child support), and your son could go to hubby's on the weekends to be with his half-siblings. Then you could go out with friends, and/or date mono people.
Anyway, much of this is speculation... I am just imagining how things could be, where you'd not be writhing on the floor in pain while hubby dates other women, and you feel your role is to serve him and her, to "bring more love into the world."
It sounds like you're very tied to the house, and as a matter of course, do most of the cleaning and cooking, and care for your son, and also care for your husband's ex's kids on the weekend. Your first instinct was to meet and befriend your meta, clean the house, not quickly, but from top to bottom. Your instinct was to cook for her, not just a regular meal, but something elaborate, when you could've just chosen to meet her for coffee for an hour. Sigh...
I imagine your husband telling his gf, "Sure, just come on by for dinner! My wife's a great cook! We have a big happy house full of kids, with plenty of playroom space and toys! Wife can't wait to meet you. It'll be great." Meanwhile, you're absolutely fecking miserable and terrified.
Husband was meeting with the new "beautiful" artsy-fartsy gf while you were home taking care of HIS bio kids? You may think of yourself as their second mom, since they lived with you for a number of years. But how does it happen that husband is off doing hanky panky (flirting, falling in love, cuddling) with this new person, while you're home on kid duty, clueless? Oh, yeah, he was "working."
Sure, Jan.
Maybe you have an agreement that he can date whom he wants as long as he tells you when he falls in love and wants to take it to sexual. But it sounds like you don't have that agreement, since you were out of your mind with jealousy, and snooping in his phone, and were upset they'd been texting "24/7" without your knowledge.
Has husband lost his job? You say you two have no income right now. Is he doing this "art project" to get work? But meanwhile he's starting a new relationship, while unemployed, probably "kindly" counseling a beautiful pitiful young woman in the throes of divorce, with her young child always in tow? Aww, how sweet. Maybe you can mother both of them, too.
How many kids did he have with his ex, that you are now mothering, while he's off running around god knows where? And now he's taking on a new gf, also coming equipped with a toddler, instead of caring for the 2, 3 or more kids he's already got?
Where are his priorities? Meanwhile, you're at home, the good little woman, taking care of home, in the kitchen, doing everything for his kids? Of course he doesn't want to break up with you. He has a good wife, who is an attentive mom to his bio kids. Wouldn't we all want a good wife? But this sounds so patriarchal, him dating all these women while you're home with the kids.
Do you and he ever go on dates? Why do you need his NRE spillover to get his attention and energy?
Do you work outside the home? If not, why not?
You only have one kid of your own. Is he in school yet?
It sounds like your life would be so much less complicated if you left hubby, got an apartment, got a job, your own money (and alimony and child support), and your son could go to hubby's on the weekends to be with his half-siblings. Then you could go out with friends, and/or date mono people.
Anyway, much of this is speculation... I am just imagining how things could be, where you'd not be writhing on the floor in pain while hubby dates other women, and you feel your role is to serve him and her, to "bring more love into the world."
Bsweet2Bev
Member
Welcome again, my messages tend to be short. You’ve already gotten great advice from the regulars. I just want you to remember that YOU MATTER. Unfortunately you can’t live your life for someone else and be fulfilled in that case. At least in my life polyamory has always gone both ways. I may have lived with both my husband and my boyfriend but that didn’t mean that I was the only person allowed to have two partners. That would be selfish and unrealistic. Please find a way to do you for you even if it means walking away.
If you ever just need a sounding board I’m around to listen.
If you ever just need a sounding board I’m around to listen.
This is so interesting. The responses I've gotten are very different from the responses I got in 2010, when I was encouraged to try poly in spite of the pain (and I am very glad I did). I wonder whether that's due to changing norms, or to differences in the situations as I presented them. I was expecting to get support for the part of me that wanted to accept this, and instead I got support for the part that needs to say no. And I think that is the part that actually needed the support, so I thank you all.
As far as meeting metamours goes though, I would definitely need that if there is any chance of me being OK with poly. The situation 15 years ago changed from unbearably painful to doable after I met her. If I don't at least know her, then the mystery torments me. I thought that KTP versus DADT was a matter of individual preference and need?
It's ok to NOT be ok with polyamory with this husband.
If you do decide to practice poly with this husband again, or with other people, you could change HOW you meet your metamour. A 15-minute video call or having coffee at a bookstore cafe is good enough to put a face to a name. You don't have to clean your house top to bottom, make a fancy meal, and roll out the red carpet and visit for hours. What for?
You can have your preferences. There are also places in between DADT and KTP.
- Don't ask, don't tell (DADT)-- You don't want to know anything at all.
- Parallel polyamory -- we all know and consent to poly, maybe share "big news" like new dating partners, breakups, etc. We date separately. Metamours do not hang out together. There is minimal contact. We can be "basic polite" if we happen to bump into a metamour in town at the grocery store-- say, "Hello, good morning," maybe a minute of small talk, and that's it. Get back to the groceries.
- Garden-party poly -- maybe we get together once a year for the hinge's birthday at a fancy restaurant. We hang out minimally and act politely, like party guests would.
- Kitchen-table poly-- We are friends and hang out semi-regularly or regularly.
- Lap-sitting poly -- even more involved. Possibly metamours date each other, cohabitate, just more entanglements.
Galagirl
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Yes, it appears to be due to changing norms. For years here now, I have not seen anyone with experience advise anyone else who is struggling to just meet their metamour and all will be well. I do not see the support for previously mono couples to struggle on with their triads or quads. More likely people will be told that triads and quads, especially prescriptive ones, are overwhelmingly likely to fail.
For example:
Triad or V - What's More Complicated?
I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...
www.readyforpolyamory.com
No. Your situation is especially sad because you are only doing it to please your husband and hang on to him. You justify your martyrdom by telling yourself you are "creating more love in the world" and "getting scraps of his NRE passion passed on to you." This is obviously no longer working for you.
Out there in the swinging world, one hears about women whose husbands are likely to stray going along with them to swing clubs and having sex with men and women they are not attracted to, just to please their husbands. They are actually sharing the most sacred parts of their bodies with unattractive, even repulsive strangers to preserve the status quo of their marriages. Gently... what you are doing is similar. You lived with your husband's gf, and you took care of him, and are still taking care of his ex's children, to "show goodwill" or something. You thought you were at least done with watching husband date others and enjoy his NRE, while you sat home with the kids. Now he's started up again and you just. can't. take. it anymore. You blew up at the new gf. You're having a nervous breakdown. Of course you're going to be advised to stop doing this to yourself.
Btw, I am curious. This seems to be a mono/poly set-up. That's your choice?
You're very welcome.
It's not enough to just "be OK" with poly (or mono/poly). Ugh. Again, set the bar higher.
It's fine that you liked your metamour after you met her. I didn't really meet Pixi's bf Malachi for seven years, his choice. He is introverted, and was dating Pixi, and didn't need or want a poly family. I was fine with that. Pixi showed me pix of him, told me enough about him for me to know he was a fine person. I trusted her, and saw she was happy, and that was all I needed.
Pixi would have preferred for us to hang out as three sometimes, since she loves us both. But that didn't happen until the pandemic lockdown, when we closed down to only seeing the three of us and my adult son. (I didn't have a second serious partner at the time covid hit.) That was when we started having occasional potluck dinners together. Even then, we all got together only once every 2-3 months.
DADT is an extreme of disconnect that is barely polyamory. One partner is so unhappy with her spouse's dating of others, she just wants to pretend it's not happening. Usually this leads to a huge disconnect in intimacy between the members of the original couple. Or maybe they were already disconnected, and the marriage is one of convenience or social status only, so they just don't care what their partner is up to, as long as they are discreet.
Yes, parallel, kitchen-table and garden-party polyamory models are matters of preference. I had not heard of this "lap-sitting poly" until today. haha. I think that would fall under the triad or quad category. If you are dating your partner's partner, that person is both your metamour and your lover. Extremely complicated!
By this do you mean, do we have an agreement that I am mono and he is poly? No. I've always been free to date other people but have had neither the desire nor the opportunity. There was one time I had coffee with an ex-lover and he encouraged that, and even encouraged me to go further with him if I wanted. But it didn't feel right. If in the future I ever have a crush and the chance to pursue it, who knows! Maybe I will. But so far it hasn't been in the cards.
I'm interested in this idea. It sounds like you are saying mono people with poly partners should be actively choosing the situation and getting something out of it. And I do feel like I get something out of it, just not enough to be worth the suffering. I am curious why other mono people choose their situation and what they get out of it.
Thank you so much for all of this feedback. It's been very helpful.
Why does there have to be be any suffering at all?
"I get enough out of this arrangement to put up with suffering" seems to be you in survival mode. But one doesn't have to just "survive" their life. One could "thrive" in it.
Again... has there even been a time of your life where you didn't have all this pain or suffering? Some regular life up and down bumps, but not pain levels and and not suffering levels? Do you even know what that is like?
Has there been a time where you were THRIVING in your life?
You don't have to answer any of that online. Just maybe reflect on it.
GG
I guess I just disagree with the idea that life can be free of suffering, and that one cannot thrive while also experiencing pain. Jealousy is pain, and it seems fairly common in the world of polyamory. In browsing this site I came across a link to an article by Kathy Labriola, about how to work through jealousy in polyamory. Can't jealousy/pain be a sign of issues that need attention, rather than necessarily a sign to scrap the whole idea of poly?
I don't think anyone can dispute that, but there's degrees to everything - if you can't sleep for month on end, that's not stimulating pain, that's debilitating pain.
Did you feel like you are thriving, despite initial jealousy, during the years you were living with your metamour?
What are some strong sides of your partner, things you love about him and you have chosen him for?
Nobody should be telling you how to decide regarding staying with your husband. That's taking away your agency. People see problems. You decide whether the problems are big enough to require a divorce.
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Rachelina, I found this old thread from back when you used to come here, where the old advice about meeting a metamour was given. I thought it would be interesting for you, and anyone reading this thread, to see how current advice is different.
Many, if not most, poly people experience jealousy from time to time. You are not poly, or at least, you have no time, energy, or leftover passion to devote to getting another partner of your own. Jealousy is a sign of deeper issues, a "cover emotion" stemming from fear of loss, of feeling abandoned, or envious, insecure, lonely, bored, feeling taken for granted, and so on.
I noticed you didn't answer my questions about the age of your son, whether you work outside the home, have your own friends, hobbies, bank account, or rather, are always just tied to the home and doing domestic duties, such as parenting and all the chores. Your jealousy might stem from all of these factors, the sheer one-sidedness of everything, and now including hubs starting an affair while having lost his job and you all (you, husband, son, husband's kids) being insecure financially.
Merely meeting and (hopefully) liking your meta, and vice versa, is not going to solve any other issues causing your insecurity and nervous breakdown. The issue here seems to go far beyond "polyamory," which is why getting therapy was suggested early on.
Are you saying you have never experienced life without some kind of suffering or hardship, so you don't know what it is to live free of suffering?
Yes, sometimes one can move past jealousy. Other times one cannot.
Do you need to "fix" something about your jealousy so you can continue to be in a poly thing with your husband? Would you rather fix it by not doing poly anymore, and you and husband doing monogamy instead? Would you rather fix it by by separating from this husband and doing either poly or monogamy with someone else?
Where you happier/less pained during this time of him not dating other women?
I guess it doesn't really matter in this moment. He is seeing someone now and has not ended it yet.
You seem to know you are at limit with pain and that you are not ok. Your health is getting dinged.
98% of you doesn't want this.
You are angry, but maybe don't know what to do with this feeling of anger.
You will find out after these two more times what he does next. You will find out if you run up against your dealbreaker or not.
So at this point in time I guess you just wait and see. Then YOU get to decide what you want to do next.
In the meantime, you could get more rest, and think about making a doctor's appointment for a check-up. I encourage you to do your self care.
Galagirl
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Sorry, it was just a lot of questions and I answered what seemed most relevant first. My son is 13 and autistic and that does entail extra stress. I don't work outside the home but do have my own friends, hobbies and bank account. Still, I often do feel stuck in domestic drudgery. My husband and I were caretakers for two developmentally disabled people who lived with us. Both of them died last month from totally unrelated causes, leaving us simultaneously in shock and mourning for two household members who had become like family to us, and without income. At the same time I was sick with the same flu that killed the older one, and unable to leave the house to see friends or do the nature walks that keep me sane. So it's really no wonder I was having a nervous breakdown -- all of this (girlfriend, deaths, my illness) was happening at the same time. The girlfriend came first though. I think you may be right that the jealousy is related to being too much tied to the home and domestic duties. I appreciate your invitation to consider it in the context of my whole life rather than just looking at the marriage. Thank you.
Hi Rachelina,
When I read your first post on this thread, my first thought was that maybe you were having a mental health issue rather than that you should consider leaving your husband.
You described yourself as previously happy in a mono/poly marriage and having a good relationship with your ex-metamour, but that you were now suddenly writhing on the floor in pain and uncharacteristically obsessed with your new metamour. To me, that sounded like a mental health change.
GalaGirl asked why your husband was okay with causing you so much pain that you're writhing on the floor in agony, but my first thought was, "Well, because he's not doing anything that he didn't previously do in their longtime poly marriage and because her reaction seems disproportionate to the situation."
However, now that I've read more of your context, I understand why you're not okay with the situation. I understand why there's so much going on in your life that you're having such a strong reaction. I understand that your husband has been doing poorly at communicating with you about your metamour and with her about you.
Maybe the key is that you thought, since 2020, that your husband was done with needing to be poly. Maybe you were looking forward to growing old with him a calmer, monogamous marriage. It was a shock to find out he wants another serious partner, and that he wasn't very honest about it.
Then you've got the illness and the deaths of your household members and the loss of income. That's a mega load of stress at once!
Then you try to meet the metamour and it turns into a bigger disaster. And you feel guilty at your part in getting angry at the metamour, but also you're rightfully disappointed that you weren't given any grace in the situation.
I wonder if you were doing the big household cleaning not just for the metamour but as part of the grieving process after the recent deaths? (Not sure if I have the timing wrong on when the metamour dinner was in relation to the deaths). But my mom and I have just spent a whole year cleaning and redoing our house after my dad passed away (following 10 years of illness with Parkinson's). The way the house was set up for caretaking could finally be changed/improved, we went through my dad's things, etc. Grief and new beginnings.
My advice would be to just let things settle more. Recover from your illness and grief. Let your husband's relationship develop and see what happens.
I do think you could ask for some limits on his new relationship in terms of how it affects you. Maybe try a more parallel style of poly where the two metamours don't need to interact with each other. You don't need to meet your metamour right now.
Maybe think of some boundaries for yourself and what you want for your life in your mono/poly marriage. For example, if you don't ever want to live with another metamour again, you can say so. Would you prefer a poly structure that is more primary/secondary (where you and your husband are primary partners with entwined lives, and any other partners are less involved)? You can ask for that.
Your husband may not agree, but it might give you an idea of how you can be happy in a mono/poly marriage or whether it will no longer be the life you want at all.
When I read your first post on this thread, my first thought was that maybe you were having a mental health issue rather than that you should consider leaving your husband.
You described yourself as previously happy in a mono/poly marriage and having a good relationship with your ex-metamour, but that you were now suddenly writhing on the floor in pain and uncharacteristically obsessed with your new metamour. To me, that sounded like a mental health change.
GalaGirl asked why your husband was okay with causing you so much pain that you're writhing on the floor in agony, but my first thought was, "Well, because he's not doing anything that he didn't previously do in their longtime poly marriage and because her reaction seems disproportionate to the situation."
However, now that I've read more of your context, I understand why you're not okay with the situation. I understand why there's so much going on in your life that you're having such a strong reaction. I understand that your husband has been doing poorly at communicating with you about your metamour and with her about you.
Maybe the key is that you thought, since 2020, that your husband was done with needing to be poly. Maybe you were looking forward to growing old with him a calmer, monogamous marriage. It was a shock to find out he wants another serious partner, and that he wasn't very honest about it.
Then you've got the illness and the deaths of your household members and the loss of income. That's a mega load of stress at once!
Then you try to meet the metamour and it turns into a bigger disaster. And you feel guilty at your part in getting angry at the metamour, but also you're rightfully disappointed that you weren't given any grace in the situation.
I wonder if you were doing the big household cleaning not just for the metamour but as part of the grieving process after the recent deaths? (Not sure if I have the timing wrong on when the metamour dinner was in relation to the deaths). But my mom and I have just spent a whole year cleaning and redoing our house after my dad passed away (following 10 years of illness with Parkinson's). The way the house was set up for caretaking could finally be changed/improved, we went through my dad's things, etc. Grief and new beginnings.
My advice would be to just let things settle more. Recover from your illness and grief. Let your husband's relationship develop and see what happens.
I do think you could ask for some limits on his new relationship in terms of how it affects you. Maybe try a more parallel style of poly where the two metamours don't need to interact with each other. You don't need to meet your metamour right now.
Maybe think of some boundaries for yourself and what you want for your life in your mono/poly marriage. For example, if you don't ever want to live with another metamour again, you can say so. Would you prefer a poly structure that is more primary/secondary (where you and your husband are primary partners with entwined lives, and any other partners are less involved)? You can ask for that.
Your husband may not agree, but it might give you an idea of how you can be happy in a mono/poly marriage or whether it will no longer be the life you want at all.
Hi @Rachelina, I hope you and your husband have found ways to make you feel better even though it's not April yet!
I'd like to offer a quote that I've had on my daily planner for quite some time until I've absorbed it into my blood. Unluckily, I did not note where the quote came from. The quote is about behaviour, but I believe it equally applies to feelings:
> Pretend your unwanted behavior is the result of a person in your head who wants to help you but is not really good at it, like a small child helping you cook dinner. Ask what they are trying to do (remember: to help you!). Take their perspective. Don't dismiss them, understand them. Then, if your mindset hasn't already shifted into something new, decide whether you now endorse the behavior or not, and if not, find other ways to achieve what they were trying to achieve.
I'd like to offer an idea that your jealousy knows something you don't / didn't realize consciously. Maybe it's that you're treated unfairly in your relationship, as others have hinted. But then it could also be that this particular woman has characteristics that would make your future metamour relationship painful to you (I certainly would be angry that no second attempt at meeting in person was ever attempted; and I am very happy you're clear about what kind of metamour relationship would be good for you and what kind not - there's no obligation to quietly accept that your meta doesn't want to meet you!!!). Maybe it's telling you that it's time to seek new adventrues in life (on the work and hobbies front, not necessarily in the relationships realm). Maybe the jealousy is so strong because you're overworked or the balance of hormones in your brain is off due to nutritional deficiency (I've been severely depressed at the same time that I was B12 and omega-3 deficient, and it didn't occur to anyone for 7 long years)...
And a quote I happen to have on my planner these days:
> If you think something's supposed to hurt, you're less likely to notice if you're doing it wrong. (Paul Graham)
Please be kind to yourself!
I'd like to offer a quote that I've had on my daily planner for quite some time until I've absorbed it into my blood. Unluckily, I did not note where the quote came from. The quote is about behaviour, but I believe it equally applies to feelings:
> Pretend your unwanted behavior is the result of a person in your head who wants to help you but is not really good at it, like a small child helping you cook dinner. Ask what they are trying to do (remember: to help you!). Take their perspective. Don't dismiss them, understand them. Then, if your mindset hasn't already shifted into something new, decide whether you now endorse the behavior or not, and if not, find other ways to achieve what they were trying to achieve.
I'd like to offer an idea that your jealousy knows something you don't / didn't realize consciously. Maybe it's that you're treated unfairly in your relationship, as others have hinted. But then it could also be that this particular woman has characteristics that would make your future metamour relationship painful to you (I certainly would be angry that no second attempt at meeting in person was ever attempted; and I am very happy you're clear about what kind of metamour relationship would be good for you and what kind not - there's no obligation to quietly accept that your meta doesn't want to meet you!!!). Maybe it's telling you that it's time to seek new adventrues in life (on the work and hobbies front, not necessarily in the relationships realm). Maybe the jealousy is so strong because you're overworked or the balance of hormones in your brain is off due to nutritional deficiency (I've been severely depressed at the same time that I was B12 and omega-3 deficient, and it didn't occur to anyone for 7 long years)...
And a quote I happen to have on my planner these days:
> If you think something's supposed to hurt, you're less likely to notice if you're doing it wrong. (Paul Graham)
Please be kind to yourself!
I want to recheck about Rachelina's overwhelm with household drudgery.
Taking care of an autistic teenager, two developmentally-delayed adults (the care of whom brought in income), just recently deceased, plus at least two of her husband's children on the weekend (by another woman)-- my goodness, that's a lot of work. And there's grief about the simultaneous passing of the two adult household members to be gone through.
Maybe the husband does an equal amount of care of all these dependent folks. Maybe not! Maybe it's all on Rachelina. And now, hubs is off in NRE lalas with his new partner, going away to "do art projects" and "fall in love," while our OP is still home, still seeing to half a dozen other people's needs, homework, laundry, cooking, dishes, home repairs, auto maintenance, doctor's appointments, taxiing to activities, on and on and on... Let's not forget money worries on top of it all. These are all things women/mothers often do invisibly, unthanked and certainly unpaid.
And all hubs can suggest to make everything hunky dory is to host the new and shiny lover, which he, of course, couldn't possibly do the cleaning and cooking for?!
Taking care of an autistic teenager, two developmentally-delayed adults (the care of whom brought in income), just recently deceased, plus at least two of her husband's children on the weekend (by another woman)-- my goodness, that's a lot of work. And there's grief about the simultaneous passing of the two adult household members to be gone through.
Maybe the husband does an equal amount of care of all these dependent folks. Maybe not! Maybe it's all on Rachelina. And now, hubs is off in NRE lalas with his new partner, going away to "do art projects" and "fall in love," while our OP is still home, still seeing to half a dozen other people's needs, homework, laundry, cooking, dishes, home repairs, auto maintenance, doctor's appointments, taxiing to activities, on and on and on... Let's not forget money worries on top of it all. These are all things women/mothers often do invisibly, unthanked and certainly unpaid.
And all hubs can suggest to make everything hunky dory is to host the new and shiny lover, which he, of course, couldn't possibly do the cleaning and cooking for?!
My relationship status: I self-identify as mono or poly with current poly-saturation = 1. In the past, I've been in monogamous relationships. In the relationship with my ex-husband, I fell in love but the other party was not interested in a relationship with me - if they were, my husband would have put up with a polyamorous setup, but it wouldn't have been his choice. Since almost four years ago, I'm one of the monos in a poly-mono V. The relationship has been somewhat troubled throughout to the point that we've recently split up and only got back together after three weeks. So not only am I the mono in a poly-mono relationship, but I've chosen to be in it despite the obvious problems. Right now, our relationship has many aspects of NRE - there is renewed trust and joy and even sex-drive.
This relationship is better than my earlier (monogamous) relationships by a great margin. While Fasaani isn't always sensitive to other people's needs and moods, he's willing to talk about issues that come up; we often end up having endless discussions about the foundations of a relationship, as we come with very different expectations (e.g. concerning the extent to which Fasaani as the hinge partner should take part in certain chores, or expectations about what a person should do when they're unable to follow up on a promise). What I particularly value about Fasaani is that if I persist, he eventually changes his attitude and behaviour, so we've actually seen improvement in many of the issues that we've had in the past. I also feel more heard than I did in my marriage, even though not always enough.
I do value certain aspects of poly-mono relationships:
- I expect that people in long-term relationships fall in love with other people and I choose to be in a relationship in which both sides can openly communicate when this happens, and in principle can act upon the interest if they choose to do so;
- I usually enjoy having roughly every other evening for myself;
- in all close relationship, there is a tension between interdependance/closeness and independence/autonomy, and I tend to be the anxiously attached and hence too dependant type; I think the poly-mono relationship forces me to keep a higher level of autonomy, and work on my psychological issues, in a good way;
- I've chosen to be childless, but this particular relationship allows me to be a significant adult in Kenguru's life (Fasaani's and Hiiri's child).
However, the poly-mono setup that we have (with very equal division of Fasaani's time, energy, and finances) is often hard/painful for me (and for Hiiri as well!). It is, however, the case that I choose being in this particular relationship (with this particular partner, and this particular metamour and their kid) to the alternative of breaking up, dating, and eventually putting up with a different but also less-than-ideal relationship (because real life is never quite ideal).
Thank you for your kind and understanding comments, Sisilisko!
Thank you for sharing your experience as a mono in a poly relationship - I appreciate and relate to the same things that you value.
Recently I came across the concept of compersion - a feeling of joy when one's beloved is with another person. I realized that in the past I did feel compersion, but in this case it was almost completely lacking. For me compersion is always mixed with pain and often with sexual desire - a very complex feeling, but overall, one that I WANT to feel. And I wanted to feel it with this new woman too, which is why I kept trying so hard in spite of the pain. Now I wonder if I can't feel it anymore, or if I just can't feel it with this woman. I suspect the latter. I do find myself almost hoping that my husband will fall for someone else in the future so that I can feel it again - but after this experience I will need a long break.
Yes, I think you are onto something here! Even though I never met her I had an idea of who she was, from reading her messages and spending hours checking out her Facebook posts going back years. And something must have been off, or incompatible. I can't put a finger on what it was exactly, but I think I picked up on some subtle signal that this just wasn't right for us.
Thank you for sharing your experience as a mono in a poly relationship - I appreciate and relate to the same things that you value.
Recently I came across the concept of compersion - a feeling of joy when one's beloved is with another person. I realized that in the past I did feel compersion, but in this case it was almost completely lacking. For me compersion is always mixed with pain and often with sexual desire - a very complex feeling, but overall, one that I WANT to feel. And I wanted to feel it with this new woman too, which is why I kept trying so hard in spite of the pain. Now I wonder if I can't feel it anymore, or if I just can't feel it with this woman. I suspect the latter. I do find myself almost hoping that my husband will fall for someone else in the future so that I can feel it again - but after this experience I will need a long break.
It's a disaster your newest experience of polyamory got associated with a lot of difficulty, such as grief and your husband withholding information, leading to a relationship crisis and a mental health breakdown.
It's understandable you will have to do a lot of healing
It's understandable you will have to do a lot of healing