Raleigh Guy and cjj, you both sound you like you have total heels for spouses, at least going by what's been said about them on here.
Neither of your spouses/SOs (significant others) are being totally open and completely honest. That is not poly, but most importantly, they are hurting you.
I have no idea how much either of you has invested in your current relationships, but to me it sounds like it's time to take a stand and make some new rules, or let them go if they can't even be honest with you. Decide what you want, and then go get it. Your relationships involve you. They should make you happy, not hurt and upset you and make you unhappy.
RG, I still say forget the other guy's wife. She's not your concern. She is his problem and there's nothing you can do to help her from being hurt. I bet she has some inkling of what's happening, anyway. But you need to talk with your wife and let her know what is and is not acceptable to you and let her know how much she is hurting you right now
cjj, that is not cool at all. This nonsense about him not being able to contact you while with her, there is soooooo very much wrong with that. There is no trust or truth on his and her part, it sounds like. I have a huge issue with "kinda poly," that involves lying, so I am sorry if I sound harsh.
But you are all going to get so hurt if you don't talk about things and set ground rules and limits. Again, like I suggested to RG, sit down with him, talk out what you want, what he wants, and consider including her if you feel it's important. Poly does not mean letting your SO do whatever they want. It's an agreement. Don't be hurt. Make him sit and discuss things with you and tell him what you want and expect
I truly hope you both find some happiness, whether it's with your current SOs or without them. Stand up for yourself, and remember it's a two-way street. They have to give back to you, too, not just take.
*hugs* to you both.
Again, excuse me for being harsh. I just don't like seeing folks get hurt.