Poly or not?

Mark1npt said:
Redpepper, I wouldn't consider your situation cheating, even though you drive a good distance to see Mono, because your husband knows what you're doing. In that other relationship, the other guy's wife has no clue. To me, that's a cheating situation.
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So what you are saying is, because I don't live with both of them I am cheating? Huh? Yes, if anyone didn't know, and didn't have a relationship with each other, then I would agree. But I am unclear why you think I am cheating.
 
redpepper said:
So what you are saying is, because I don't live with both of them I am cheating? Huh? Yes, if anyone didn't know, and didn't have a relationship with each other, then I would agree. But I am unclear why you would think I am cheating.
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No, it looks like he said the other people are cheating.
 
redpepper said:
So what you are saying is, because I don't live with both of them, I am cheating?
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Mark,

I just talked to Redpepper about this statement she made. She misunderstood your statement and wants you to know she understands what you were saying now. She is a very passionate woman when the idea of cheating comes up. Sorry for the misinterpretation.
 
Mono, I haven't had time this AM to reply til now. Tell Redpepper not to fret, I guess I didn't state it clearly. I never meant to imply that she was cheating. It's RG's wife's other guy who's hiding things from his wife, while he undertakes this internet affair with RG's wife.

If he were to drive a good distance to see RG's wife, without his own wife's knowledge of him doing that, well then, that's cheating. That's not poly. I wouldn't consider RG's wife to be poly, only a cheating spouse.

I think you can be poly and not live with someone.

It's the secrecy, the underhandedness, that makes it cheating. From what I can see from this board, real caring, loving poly people don't cheat in their relationships.

Keep loving, you two, er, three!
 
I'm typing this from my phone. I hope it is working.

I totally understand what you were saying now, Mark. It was too early for me to read properly, obviously.
 
The distance between my wife and her other love is almost 2000 miles, so he's not going to just drive over for a quick visit. With the cost of gas and airplane tickets, a trip is pretty major investment, and none of us are rich (although my wife and I are a little better off than the other guy is).

I can imagine that he might make a trip, though. Love inspires people to do lots of things that don't make sense. More worrisome is the possibility that his marriage will fall apart.
 
If he's keeping this all from his wife, then his marriage has probably already come apart. If that's the case, and he has reconnected with your wife, and they have any inkling of getting back together, well then, issues have to be addressed.

Even though your wife thinks she wants and can be poly, can he? If he can't, and/or you don't want to live in a poly relationship, then more than one family will be hurt.

I hope this turns out okay for you, RG, and that you get treated fairly in all this.
 
I asked my wife if she would like to take a trip to visit her other guy. She said she didn't really want to meet him in person, because he might not be the man she imagines him to be. Her fantasy guy, based on the man she knew years ago, plus the one she's talking to, is the one she loves, and it might not match up with the real thing.
 
I have been quietly reading along, trying to see where my situation fits. My husband just got back from spending a week and a half with his other. It is not open or honest, because he cannot call me when they are together. In fact, I believe that she is hoping that he will leave me for her. I don't know if he even knows what polyamory is.
 
cjj23464 said:
It is not open or honest, because he cannot call me when they are together. In fact, I believe that she is hoping that he will leave me for her. I don't know if he even knows what polyamory is.
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A simple answer, from my perspective: no, he doesn't, and you have every right to feel hurt and disrespected. The idea of not being "able" to call you is not a good sign that his other understands or even wants a polyamorous relationship. He's a grown man. He chooses not to call. No one can stop him. If this is the norm in their relationship, I would consider it to be more of an affair situation. I highly recommend all three of you sit down and have a long discussion about expectations and openness between you all.

I hope things change for the better, no matter what that is.
 
It definitely started as an affair. There have been others, and they have been married, as well. She is single.

I don't think he anticipated the degree of emotion he experienced this time. At this point, I would welcome meeting with her, but I don't think she would be as open to it. He says he suggested it once, and she got rather upset. Of course, he could just be saying what he thinks I want to hear.
 
cjj23464 said:
It definitely started as an affair. There have been others, and they have been married, as well. She is single. I don't think he anticipated the degree of emotion he experienced this time. At this point, I would welcome meeting with her, but I don't think she would be as open to it. He says he suggested it once, and she got rather upset. Of course, he could just be saying what he thinks i want to hear.
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Your husband's actions are in no way indicative of the honesty, consideration and love that a polyamorous or any relationship should have. He is very lucky to still have you in his life. You deserve better. I hope others include their comments, as this could be its own separate thread. Put yourself first in this, please. No one else is going to, apparently.
 
Raleigh Guy and cjj, you both sound you like you have total heels for spouses, at least going by what's been said about them on here.

Neither of your spouses/SOs (significant others) are being totally open and completely honest. That is not poly, but most importantly, they are hurting you.

I have no idea how much either of you has invested in your current relationships, but to me it sounds like it's time to take a stand and make some new rules, or let them go if they can't even be honest with you. Decide what you want, and then go get it. Your relationships involve you. They should make you happy, not hurt and upset you and make you unhappy.

RG, I still say forget the other guy's wife. She's not your concern. She is his problem and there's nothing you can do to help her from being hurt. I bet she has some inkling of what's happening, anyway. But you need to talk with your wife and let her know what is and is not acceptable to you and let her know how much she is hurting you right now.

cjj, that is not cool at all. This nonsense about him not being able to contact you while with her, there is soooooo very much wrong with that. There is no trust or truth on his and her part, it sounds like. I have a huge issue with "kinda poly," that involves lying, so I am sorry if I sound harsh.

But you are all going to get so hurt if you don't talk about things and set ground rules and limits. Again, like I suggested to RG, sit down with him, talk out what you want, what he wants, and consider including her if you feel it's important. Poly does not mean letting your SO do whatever they want. It's an agreement. Don't be hurt. Make him sit and discuss things with you and tell him what you want and expect

I truly hope you both find some happiness, whether it's with your current SOs or without them. Stand up for yourself, and remember it's a two-way street. They have to give back to you, too, not just take.

*hugs* to you both.

Again, excuse me for being harsh. I just don't like seeing folks get hurt.
 
If anything close to poly is to come out of this affair, then it would start with the three of you sitting down together in a private place away from anyone's home, a neutral place. Boundaries should be explored, feelings expressed, etc.

From what it sounds like, he may not agree to this, and she may not either, but that could be your ultimatum. I would think there would be big changes for all of you if you all met. I try to get that part done as soon as possible to make sure everyone is comfortable and feels loved and respected.
 
Very sensible advice, ladies. These relationships are clearly not poly, as they currently exist, just a few cheating spouses, it looks like.
 
redpepper said:
If anything close to poly is to come out of this affair, then it would start with the three of you sitting down together in a private place away from anyone's home, a neutral place. Boundaries should be explored, feelings expressed, etc.

From what it sounds like, he may not agree to this, and she may not either, but that could be your ultimatum. I would think there would be big changes for all of you if you all met. I try to get that part done as soon as possible to make sure everyone is comfortable and feels loved and respected.
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I am bumping this as an example of the kind of advice newbies on this forum used to get a decade or more ago:

"If your committed partner is starting a relationship with someone else, you must sit down with your metamour and talk over the expectations for the new relationship, going forward, and as soon as possible."

In this case, Redpepper is strongly suggesting that RaleighGuy must "sit down" with a guy, an an old crush of his wife's, who she herself doesn't want to meet in person, a guy who lives 2000 miles away. This not only indicates this old attitude of "you must meet any potential metamour asap, to vet them and approve of their intentions" (as if you're an old-fashioned father), it also shows a lack of comprehension of the fact that this new guy lives 2000 miles away, and the wife doesn't want to meet him, he doesn't want to meet her, and no one can really afford a plane ticket anyway.

Bleh. Bad and impractical advice.

No one ever "needs" to meet a potential metamour. Perfectly good poly relationships can exist in parallel. A partner doesn't need to trust their metamour. They need to trust their own partner and respect that partner's choices.

Approaches to polyamory have definitely evolved in the past decade or two.

In this case, yes, the wife is having an affair, because her old flame's wife doesn't know he is falling back in love with an old gf. That's the only problem. It isn't polyamory, it is a cheating affair, and the guy is deceiving his wife, which could lead to problems, should she find out.
 
It's poly if it's a romantic situation involving three or more people (with the mutual consent of all the people involved). Of course, one does not have to apply the polyamorous label to oneself, if one doesn't want to. In a closed MFM V (where the female is the hinge), it is polyamorous for all three people as long as adding new partners would be considered okay for all three people. It doesn't have to be happening at the moment, it just has to be a possibility. A four-person situation (MFMF) is not polyamorous if the fourth person isn't aware of what's going on. That's called cheating.
 
kdt26417 said:
It's poly if it's a romantic situation involving three or more people (with the mutual consent of all the people involved). Of course, one does not have to apply the polyamorous label to oneself, if one doesn't want to. In a closed MFM V (where the female is the hinge), it is polyamorous for all three people as long as adding new partners would be considered okay for all three people. It doesn't have to be happening at the moment, it just has to be a possibility. A four-person situation (MFMF) is not polyamorous if the fourth person isn't aware of what's going on. That's called cheating.
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Right. I agree completely. But I guess that's not quite my point.

Let's call these people Raleigh Guy (RG), his wife Anna, her old flame Burt, and the unaware wife of Burt, Lisa.

What on earth good would it do for anything, for RG and Anna to "sit down and talk" to Burt? Even if he didn't live 2000 miles away, even if he were local, and wanted to have an in-person relationship with Anna, Lisa is unaware of the whole thing. Burt is cheating. But maybe Redpepper meant that Burt and Anna and LISA needed to sit down and talk.

The proper advice would be for Anna to stop having an emotional online affair with Burt until he (as the hinge) tells Lisa he is done and wants to break up, or confess to cheating and tell her he wants to open the marriage. Anna and RG don't need to talk in person to Burt and they certainly don't need to meet Lisa.
 
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