How to cope with OSO's "unplanned pregnancy"

[Needsupport]

I’m going to be very honest and vulnerable with this post. My husband and I decided to open the relationship for him to have another relationship. I’m not super familiar with all the terms. I know that I am his wife. She is his girlfriend. She’s my meta. We have had a great friendship through all of this and now there have been some changes to the relationship dynamic. She is pregnant. One of the boundaries that we had set in place was that they would use protection/birth control to avoid a pregnancy. Now that this has happened, how do I show support and come to peace with my own feelings of betrayal and heartbreak. I’m not going anywhere and I do still support their relationship. It just makes it a lot harder for me to know that a baby is coming into this world that is not mine with my husband.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Needsupport,

You actually seem to have a pretty good grasp of the terminology so far. I know I shouldn't speak of abortion, but I wonder if that is a route for your metamour to consider. She and your husband agreed not to get her pregnant, now they have broken that agreement and there are consequences for doing that. The only thing you can do, as far as coping goes, is remind yourself that you did not cause this problem, you did everything you could to prevent it. So the result is on them. If they carry this child to term, they should be the ones who care for that child, you shouldn't have to participate (unless you really want to). Anyway, sorry this is happening.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi and welcome to the forum

I’m going to be very honest and vulnerable with this post. My husband and I decided to open the relationship for him to have another relationship.

How long have you been married and how long has your relationship been open ?
Did you both educate yourselves as to what to expect on choosing to open ?

I’m not super familiar with all the terms. I know that I am his wife. She is his girlfriend.

Is the gf poly and dating also ?? If so how are we 100% sure your husband is the father ?

She’s my meta. We have had a great friendship through all of this and now there have been some changes to the relationship dynamic. She is pregnant. One of the boundaries that we had set in place was that they would use protection/birth control to avoid a pregnancy.

Has it been confirmed they blew off birth control use in the heat of the moment or were super lax OR does this fall into the statistical failure rate/ shit happens ?

Now that this has happened, how do I show support and come to peace with my own feelings of betrayal and heartbreak. I’m not going anywhere and I do still support their relationship. It just makes it a lot harder for me to know that a baby is coming into this world that is not mine with my husband.

I’m not sure they deserve your support. At least not in the short term. I think the burden would be on them to try to heal this

 

[Needsupport]

How long have you been married and how long has your relationship been open ?
Did you both educate yourselves as to what to expect on choosing to open ?

We have been married 14 years and been open since April. We did do research and tried to educate ourselves and know and agreed that we did not want a pregnancy to happen.

Is the gf poly and dating also ?? If so how are we 100% sure your husband is the father ?

As far as I know she is not dating anyone else and has not been with anyone else. So pretty positive.

Has it been confirmed they blew off birth control use in the heat of the moment or were super lax OR does this fall into the statistical failure rate/ shit happens ?

There was some “lost” birth control and my husband also admitted that he had not been using condoms.

 

[Needsupport]

Hello Needsupport,

You actually seem to have a pretty good grasp of the terminology so far. I know I shouldn't speak of abortion, but I wonder if that is a route for your metamour to consider. She and your husband agreed not to get her pregnant, now they have broken that agreement and there are consequences for doing that. The only thing you can do, as far as coping goes, is remind yourself that you did not cause this problem, you did everything you could to prevent it. So the result is on them. If they carry this child to term, they should be the ones who care for that child, you shouldn't have to participate (unless you really want to). Anyway, sorry this is happening.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you. She has decided she is keeping the baby and they are excited about this. My husband is trying to be supportive of me and still show support and joy to her. I hope that I am able to accept this eventually and heal from this. I am just on an emotional roller coaster right now.

 

[Tinwen]

Omg, this is under half a year! So fast. I'm so sorry this is happening, and you seem to be handling this very bravely.

Do you have kids of your own with your husband, or is this all the more difficult because you couldn't?

You have every right to feel mad because they were sloppy with birth control. You also have every right to cry a lot. I cried when meta got pregnant, and that was planned, but it took away my last half-conscious hopes she would ever be out of his life. Hopefully there are people, friends or professionals you can vent to.

But, although you don't say so, you also seem to perceive a baby as a positive joyous thing in itself.
There's some advantages of sharing the responsibilities in poly parenting if you have a good relationship with meta and are up to that. You will be a significant person in a child's life.

There's also a lot of logistics to sort out starting with your living situation (two appartment, same house works best for us).

Best of luck!

 

[Needsupport]

Omg, this is under half a year! So fast. I'm so sorry this is happening, and you seem to be handling this very bravely.

Do you have kids of your own with your husband, or is this all the more difficult because you couldn't?

You have every right to feel mad because they were sloppy with birth control. You also have every right to cry s lot. I cried when meta got pregnant, and that was planned, but it took away my last half-conscious hopes she would ever be out of his life. Hopefully there are people, friends or professionals you can vent too.

But, although you don't say so, you also seem to perceive a baby as a positive joyous thing in itself.
There's some advantages of sharing the responsibilities in poly parenting if you have a good relationship with meta and are up to that. You will be a significant person in a child's life.

There's also a lot of logistics to sort out starting with your living situation (two appartment, same house works best for us).

Best of luck!

Thank you so much. We do have one child and have been trying for another. I do have a great support system of friends and I have done a few counseling sessions. I do believe that I will continue to have a good relationship with meta and share responsibilities. This helped a lot. As far as living arrangements go, we do have separate places and my husband spends time at each home.

 

[LoveBunny]

Oof, that's tough, sorry that happened to you. Is this marriage open for you as well, or only your husband?

May I ask, is an open marriage something you truly wanted, as in you are joyful about it, or are you "poly under duress," doing it because you don't want to "lose" him? You've got a child already, and you and the meta "share responsibility," so is it a sister-wife, religious situation or do you both truly enjoy each other's company and raising each other's children? Is your husband an active, involved parent who joins in the work of parenting, or is he too busy toggling between two women who are both monogamous to him?

If you are struggling with major feelings of heartbreak and betrayal....well, I would, personally, take these big feelings as a sign that my trust was misplaced, and that perhaps my relationship wasn't functioning correctly.

You say you're staying, and of course, that's great if this is truly the life you want. I just want it to be because the relationship brings out the best in you, builds you up, and meets your (and your child's) physical and emotional needs--not because you feel like you have to stay for your child's sake, or that this is the best you can get.

Either way, I'm rooting for your happiness and fulfillment.

 

[Needsupport]

Oof, that's tough, sorry that happened to you. Is this marriage open for you as well, or only your husband?

May I ask, is an open marriage something you truly wanted, as in you are joyful about it, or are you "poly under duress," doing it because you don't want to "lose" him? You've got a child already, and you and the meta "share responsibility," so is it a sister-wife, religious situation or do you both truly enjoy each other's company and raising each other's children? Is your husband an active, involved parent who joins in the work of parenting, or is he too busy toggling between two women who are both monogamous to him?

If you are struggling with major feelings of heartbreak and betrayal....well, I would, personally, take these big feelings as a sign that my trust was misplaced, and that perhaps my relationship wasn't functioning correctly.

You say you're staying, and of course, that's great if this is truly the life you want. I just want it to be because the relationship brings out the best in you, builds you up, and meets your (and your child's) physical and emotional needs--not because you feel like you have to stay for your child's sake, or that this is the best you can get.

Either way, I'm rooting for your happiness and fulfillment.

The marriage is not open for me but that is my choice. This is something that we both talked about and agreed upon. I am happy with the relationship with my husband and with my meta. Although changes have happened I still do not wish to change anything on the relationship side of things. I believe that we truly do enjoy each other’s company. It’s not a religious situation. I do believe that trust was misplaced also since she is pregnant and there is nothing I can do to change that now so I am just trying to figure out where I fit in. My husband is an amazing and active dad. I could not have asked for a better father for our child. He does go back and forth but he also takes responsibility and makes sure that I am getting the support and love I need. I feel like with the pregnancy he is struggling to balance how to feel excited and supportive for her and supportive for me and my feelings of betrayal and heartbreak. It’s all so new and I know this will take time. Thank you so much. It helps a lot to get these feelings out and feel supported in a group that understands.

I will say that we have been in the swinger lifestyle in the past and when we originally opened the marriage it was a strictly physical arrangement but as time went on we both developed strong feelings for my meta. For me it is best friend love and he does truly love her. So we talked about the dynamic changing and did a lot of research. I probably should have said that in my original post.

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh, well, I'm glad you and Meta are friends. I'm sure that helps in some ways, but could make the betrayal worse, as well.

As for me, I'd be PISSED. She "lost" her birth control? What, pills? He "admitted" he had not been using condoms, with a fertile woman, perhaps knowing she wasn't covered by her pills??

WTF???

The lack of responsibility on both their parts I find appalling, to be perfectly honest. Since they both only admitted this after an entire human being was conceived, I'd consider this a particularly egregious form of cheating. I'd look at it as them both secretly wanting this baby all along. It seems to go beyond actual carelessness.

Adding in that this relationship is still new, NRE is still happening, and you're still transitioning to polyamory from swinging, just makes this worse.

Just my two cents, from a place of shock.

 

[Needsupport]

Oh, well, I'm glad you and Meta are friends. I'm sure that helps in some ways, but could make the betrayal worse, as well.

As for me, I'd be PISSED. She "lost" her birth control? What, pills? He "admitted" he had not been using condoms, with a fertile woman, perhaps knowing she wasn't covered by her pills??

WTF???

The lack of responsibility on both their parts I find appalling, to be perfectly honest. Since they both only admitted this after an entire human being was conceived, I'd consider this a particularly egregious form of cheating. I'd look at it as them both secretly wanting this baby all along. It seems to go beyond actual carelessness.

Adding in that this relationship is still new, NRE is still happening, and you're still transitioning to polyamory from swinging, just makes this worse.

Just my two cents, from a place of shock.

I have felt all of these things. I feel like I was too accommodating, meaning that I wanted them to have time and space to explore the new relationship. Yes it was pills, and I did know that he had disregarded my request for condom use, but also thought she was on birth control so it was not a huge deal for me at the time. Lesson learned. Thank you for your perspective. I really appreciate all the feedback I can get right now.

 

[FeralGeek]

I'm sorta with Magdlyn on this in that it seems far too close to looking for forgiveness than permission, for my comfort. I don't see such explanations of carelessness jiving with the desire to avoid a pregnancy in the first place.

That said, I don't see anything inherently wrong with you being down with your husband's girlfriend and their new kid, or reason why you can't all move on from this, but I think part of learning from this should be making sure that everyone is being fully honest with you, because I really doubt that that has been happening.

Also, are you dating? You opened this by saying you opened the relationship so your husband could have a girlfriend, and now he's started a whole second family. Are you getting yours?

 

[Needsupport]

I'm sorta with Magdlyn on this, in that it seems far too close to looking for forgiveness than permission, for my comfort. I don't see such explanations of carelessness jiving with the desire to avoid a pregnancy in the first place.

That said, I don't see anything inherently wrong with you being down with your husband's girlfriend and their new kid, or reason why you can't all move on from this, but I think part of learning from this should be making sure that everyone is being fully honest with you, because I really doubt that that has been happening.

Also, are you dating? You opened this by saying you opened the relationship so your husband could have a girlfriend and now he's started a whole second family. Are you getting yours?

I am not. I don’t have any desire to, at this point. That may change in the future, but I don’t have anyone I am interested in.

Thank you for your input. I feel that it was a mistake on my husband's part, because he thought that she was on birth control. He did also say that he did not know she missed almost a month of her birth control. But then again, he did not use protection. I did know that he did not like using protection, but I still expressed my boundaries about that, and he chose to disregard them.

We have made steps to increase communication since finding out. I honestly thought we were having open and honest communication about everything, aside from the actual bedroom activities.

 

[Needsupport]

I have an add-on question. I have asked that he use protection again. I know that she is already pregnant and can’t get pregnant again, but for my mental health, this is something that would make me feel more secure. His thoughts are that it will make her feel less than, because he was not using protection and if he starts now it will hurt her. Do you think I am being unreasonable for asking him to do this? I feel like his mind is already made up. We have all made mistakes, and one of mine was not sticking to my boundaries regarding protection/birth control.

 

[Magdlyn]

There are more reasons to use condoms than birth control. They also reduce the risk of STDs quite a bit. Has anyone been tested recently? If gf would go a month without taking her pills, and have sex bareback, it's like, freaking obvious she wanted to get pregnant, and was using your husband to achieve her goal, without telling him. You don't have sex bareback after "losing" your bc pills unless you want to get pregnant. Now she is knocked up by her BF of just a few months.

I'm sorry, but that's terribly deceptive and disrespectful of him and you and your present child.

So if she'd be that deceptive and dishonorable, I wouldn't trust her to tell the truth about anything. I'd think she was being nice to both of you just to get pregnant. And she might be having sex with others, for all you know. Therefore, I'd want my bf to break up with her, and failing that, at least keep using the damn condoms.

I am so angry for you.

I'd also want him to keep using condoms with me for six weeks after complete negative test results from all of you. Her feelings be damned! There is nothing ethical happening here. This is not ethical non-monogamy.

 

[FeralGeek]

This is not ethical non-monogamy.

I had typed out my own version of this before Magdlyn beat me to all of it. You're getting shafted and I can't see what context I could be missing that would make it any less true.

 

[Needsupport]

Thank you both. This does give me a lot to think about. I am guilty of thinking the best of people.

 

[FeralGeek]

I am guilty of thinking the best of people.

This makes you better than most. You deserve better than most.

 

[KND]

I support you for being honest, thoughtful, open minded, and considerate of others-- as well as yourself to some extent. But, you know, sometimes people do wrong and need to be held accountable. They can't be held accountable if we make excuses for them. In an effort to be understanding, you may also be enabling. Holding folks accountable doesn't necessarily mean the end of a relationship.

I'm in line with FeralGeek and Magdlyn particularly as regards to gf.

 

[Needsupport]

I support you for being honest, thoughtful, open minded, and considerate of others-- as well as yourself to some extent. But, you know, sometimes people do wrong and need to be held accountable. They can't be held accountable if we make excuses for them. In an effort to be understanding, you may also be enabling. Holding folks accountable doesn't necessarily mean the end of a relationship.

I'm in line with FeralGeek and Magdlyn particularly as regards to gf.

Do you have any suggestions for ways to hold them accountable without disrupting everything? I feel like I’m in the numb stage of this. I wanted all the answers at first. And now I’m just feeling like “whatever”. The first appointment is in a few weeks so this is all still really new.