Husband trying to sort of talk his wife in having a lover/s

[Reed]

Hi All,

It is a long story. For a start, it's all about that I want my wife of 20 years married and we only 38 years young. I met her in school and we got together and married at age 18. Now we have 2 kids.

In the first two years of being together I was very (sickening) jealous to the point that it wasn't normal, for even my parents.

A year into our relationship we finished school (action in Europe).

We were living in her parents' house. One day, her father had a delivery of oil, and at home was only my wife. So she received the goods. The courier guy had her number from her father. Fast forward two weeks later, I catch her texting the guy. It was going for all two weeks. We had argument and she stopped. Nothing happened between them, just texting. But after a few weeks, they met each other on a date. I know nothing happened again.

Then half a year later, similar situation happened with close friends. Brother, this one was going for a half a year. They might have done something, but she denied.

Some time later, she went on a date with the guy from work, a few months of dating. She said nothing happened.

I always hated that and was going crazy about it. BUT I LOVE HER SO SO MUCH. She was and still is and always will be. Myself, I have never even flirted with another woman.

Despite all that, she got again with the guy that she dated in the past for half a year, texting and dating. But this time I was not jealous, but rather very excited. I felt strange like never before. After her date with the guy I was very excited and it felt like I loved her even more. I done everything at home, looking after kids, main family income is from me, I was even cooking for all family.

I felt like I want her to have him as a lover, because it started to drive me insane how I liked the idea of her with another man. So one day I told her everything how I feel and I told her that I know that she is dating another guy and that I am ok with it, and I am ok for her to continue. But she was shocked and surprised. She went bonkers and said that physically she never had any intimacy with any of the guys ever and don't want to have it. She just like to flirt with others but nothing more.

And she stopped doing that for what now is 16 years. She never flirted or dated anyone apart me. But me, on the other hand, going crazy and can't drop the idea of her having lover or more. It drives me crazy, I tried several times to bring this up. She did not said no, but rather, quote, "I would, but I am scared to fall in love with some other men."

What I want to ask, or maybe someone has experience and can give suggestions or thoughts about all this-- how should I try to get her into this?
I would even be ok for here to bring him to our home.
What is happening with me?? What should I do?

Sorry for grammar mistakes. Not mother language.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Hi Reed, and welcome!

The feeling that you have discovered is called "compersion." It's a very normal and joyous feeling when you know your partner can date and love someone else.

It is possible to have your metamour over at your house. Some people do have only dinner together, some people live together, it's called Kitchen Table Polyamory.

First talk to your Wife, do some reading about polyamory and perhaps after you could slowly date separately. Take it step by step.

There are many different structures. How do you see it for yourself?

 

[Reed]

Hello LaminarFlow,
To be honest, my perfect structure would be for her dating and having relationships outside, and sharing details of her experiences, and if it was joyful and reaching heavenly experience.
But I would not mind if she and her lover would take act in front of me, but only if both of them ok with it.
Bring him home would be challenging to adapt but 100% possible, only if she wants.
But when I start talking about it, she don't really like or want to talk much about it. Sometimes, after few drinks, she will at least talk about it, but low chances. I don't want to push her. I want her to want this. I want her to enjoy the all idea and experience. Otherwise it will be opposite of what makes me want her to have this relationship with other men.
I am not sure if I am expressing myself clearly.
I think I tried a lot of times talking, but not sure. Maybe there is some good suggestions how to talk her into this.

 

[LaminarFlow]

To be honest, my perfect structure would be for her dating and having relationships outside, and sharing details of her experiences, and if it was joyful and reaching heavenly experience.

This forum is about polyamory, which is about love, loyalty and commitment.

But I would not mind if she and her lover would take act in front of me, but only if both of them ok with it.

If you are looking for sex mostly, that's more ENM/Open Relationship.

Bring him home would be challenging to adapt, but 100% possible, only if she wants.

Do you mean just for sex? Friendship? Romance? More?

But when I start talking about it, she don't really like or want to talk much about it. Sometimes after few drinks she will at least talk about it, but low chances.

Simple. If she doesn't want it, end off.

I don't want to push her. I want her to want this. I want her to enjoy the all idea and experience. Otherwise it will be opposite of what makes me want her to have this relationship with other men.

Seems she has made up her mind for now.

I am not sure if I am expressing myself clearly.
I think I tried a lot of times talking, but not sure. Maybe there is some good suggestions how to talk her into this.

There is no talking her into it. She either chooses and consents, or she doesn't want it. It sounds she has no interest in it, so please do not coerce her in something she doesn't want to do.

 

[Reed]

This forum is about polyamory, which is about love, loyalty and commitment.

If you are looking for sex mostly, that's more ENM/Open Relationship.

Do you mean just for sex? Friendship? Romance? More?

Simple. If she doesn't want it, end off.

Seems she has made up her mind for now.

There is no talking her into this. She either chooses and consents, or she doesn't want it.

Understood. We love each other and very happily married.
In all fairness, now I am even more confused. Thank you for your replies. Where should I go, to what groups, to talk about this?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Reed,

The thing about poly, is that one can be in love with multiple people, without breaking up with anyone. You could tell your wife that it would be fine if she fell in love with another man, she could still be in love with both of you and not have to choose. Of course, you must keep in mind that she is her own person, and if she doesn't want to do it, that is her right. I don't know of any tips or tricks that would guarantee she would be convinced to go for it, you just have to assure her that you will support her no matter what. I don't know, maybe if she's not poly she would choose, and you would lose her. But that again is her right to choose.

Good luck whatever you do,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

It kind of sounds like you've realized you have/want a cuckold/sharing/hotwife kink. You want your wife to date other people and share sex with them, and then come home and tell you all the details.

For that to be ethical, all parties involved would have to consent to participating in that kink.

• You want to go there. You have that part -- consent from you.
• The theoretical guy she dates may NOT want his sex details broadcast to others -- and may not like your wife telling you about them. There is no consent from the potential dating partner. What if he wants to date your wife and NOT have their sex details told to you? Then what? Would you be up for that?
• But more importantly than the theoretical person who isn't even here... Wife herself doesn't want to go there. She's already told you "No, thanks." There is no consent from her.

Why would you want help from internet strangers to pressure your wife to do things she does not want?

Can you meet your kink need another way? Like reading stories? Or sharing fantasies? Maybe she'd be okay with making up stories for shared fantasies with you, but not actually seeing anyone. But if she wants no part of this, respect her decision.

If you still really want this, and she does not, decide if you two are still compatible for marriage or not. If not, you could break up. Then you are free TO seek partners who want to share this kink, and she is free FROM kink stuff she doesn't want.

Galagirl

 

[Reed]

Hello Reed,

The thing about poly, is that one can be in love with multiple people, without breaking up with anyone. You could tell your wife that it would be fine if she fell in love with another man, she could still be in love with both of you and not have to choose. Of course, you must keep in mind that she is her own person, and if she doesn't want to do it, that is her right. I don't know of any tips or tricks that would guarantee she would be convinced to go for it, you just have to assure her that you will support her no matter what. I don't know, maybe if she's not poly she would choose, and you would lose her. But that again is her right to choose.

Good luck whatever you do,
Kevin T.

Kevin T, I am so grateful for your response and opinion.
The last thing I want is for my wife is to feel any push or unnatural feelings or more over unnatural "mental push". I only want her to do such things if she wants it naturally. If nothing like that, I refuse my unconscious fetish dreams or surreal expectations.
The last thing I want is her to be offended or hurt by my words or thoughts on "unnatural expectations."
It has to be only if she decides that she wants it to be it so. Then I am ok with it. If it is forced I don't want to have anything to do with it. I love her more than myself. She is my world to me, and our kids, our family.

 

[kdt26417]

I think you have the right idea, she is her own person, but you would like it if she would see someone else and that was her own feelings.

 

[Reed]

It kind of sounds like you realized you have/want a cuckold/sharing/hotwife kink. You want wife to date other people and share sex with them and then come home and tell you all the details. For that to be ethical, all parties involved would have to consent to participating in that kink.

• You want to go there. You have that part -- consent from you.
• The theoretical guy she dates may NOT want his sex details broadcast to others -- and may not like your wife telling you about them. There is no consent from the potential dating partner. What if he wants to date your wife and NOT have their sex details told to you? Then what? Would you be up for that?
• But more importantly than the theoretical person who isn't even here... Wife herself doesn't want to go there. She's already told you "No, thanks." No consent from her.

Why would you want help from internet strangers to pressure your wife to do things she does not want?

Can you meet your kink need another way? Like reading stories? Or sharing fantasies? Maybe she'd be ok making up stories for shared fantasies with you, just not actually seeing anyone? But if she wants no part of this, respect her decision.

If you still really want this and she does not, decide if you two are still compatible for marriage or not. If not, you could break up. Then you are free TO seek partners who want to share this kink. And she is free FROM kink stuff she doesn't want.

Hello Galagirl,
I'm so grateful for your response. Guessing by your name, you are a female, and female thoughts and suggestions in my situation are the thoughts and suggestions that I am looking for, because the reason I avoid other (want to be cuckolds) will be fantasy-based opinions, just like mine.

All I wish for is for my wife to tell me yes or no, because some weekends that we have a lot of sex, she tells me that she wants to give and help to bring my secret desire to life and do it, but then stops and never does. It's like she is traumatized from my jealousy from the first 2 years of our time together. I was a mess. So you understand, one day I am cool guy who trusts himself to own his wife, but the next like she don't care about me, "which drives me nuts in a good way".

Just so you know, at this point in our life, I am committed to her and our family. She is my world. But I think, considering my small "friend down there," I feel to be useless at it. She hates that.

She knows she can do whatever. And most of our close friends and family are aware of that. But she is so high high class in all around that age is capable to drive a number of people (male or female, at the same time). So if you think this is all about my desire, you are totally wrong.

She already had me "sort of humiliated," so I am over it, and I would do anything for her. It's a shame, I am 6.5 ft tall, but have really really small willy.

 

[Reed]

Hello All,

Ok, last night was a sort of interesting evening. My wife's best friend's brother popped over to our house accidentally. He works as a courier. This is the same guy she was dating before we got married, back somewhere in 2008.

She told me he is asking her to go out for the good old days. I acted as if this was absolutely neutral with me, not over-reacting, none the less. If she will deny it and say no, I will leave it to life or destiny.

Love you all.

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like she wants to hang out with her best friend's brother, like in the good old days. This could be your opening to the type of thing you have been hoping for.

 

[GalaGirl]

Your wife is giving mixed signals, like she’s still carrying fear from the past, or doesn’t feel totally safe with this idea. Like running hot/cold. I can understand how the up and down makes you want clarity.

To me, anything less than, "Hell, yeah! Let's do that" enthusiastic consent is a "working no."

I think you could say something like “Wife, I don’t want to pressure you. The fantasy excites me, but I don’t need it to be happy with you. Since it doesn’t feel like an enthusiastic yes right now, how about we treat it as a ‘No, not at this time'? Maybe we can check in again in a year [or whatever timeframe works for you], and until then we don’t have to think about it.”

That gives both of you stability, removes pressure from her, and gives you peace from the back-and-forth.

As for being self-conscious about your body: you didn’t choose your genetics, and you deserve to feel confident and sexual exactly as you are. Instead of putting yourself down, it might help to focus on healing that insecurity and building confidence. Many women care far more about emotional connection, skill, and presence than penis size.

You can also learn how to make the most of every part of you — tongue, fingers, penis, positions, etc. If you’re open to toys, there are thigh harnesses and strap-ons that can add lots of options. You and your wife can get creative and find what works for both of you.

Sex is supposed to be fun and something you explore together.

GG

 

[Magdlyn]

It seems to me others have given great feedback, but I will add one thing. Since you and wife got together so young, she was still just a teenager discovering who she was. So she enjoyed flirting with other men, testing her "powers," understanding her ability to attract, etc.

As she matured, she lost this need to "sow her oats" (even though, as you said, she never actually did anything sexual with these guys). She settled into being a loyal wife and mother.

But you, on the other hand, have developed a cuckolding kink, partly based on your smaller-than-average penis. Maybe it's not actually smaller than average? Average is 5." Perhaps in proportion to your height, it seems small. Perhaps it's still plenty adequate to bring wife pleasure. I don't know. She tells you it's a good fit for her. You don't believe her. (Some cucks have bigger-than-average penises, but enjoy being told they are small, and being humiliated for it.)

You also seem to enjoy being a "submissive," doing a large share of household work, parenting, earning more than her in your career, etc.

It seems like when you and wife are actually having sex, she goes along with your cuckolding fantasy. But fantasy bears no link to reality. She might still have no desire to date others, or flirt, as she did as a much younger woman, much less actually kiss or have sexual experiences.

We are a board for polyamory, which means "multiple loves." It doesn't mean cuckolding kink for sexual gratification. Your wife doesn't want to love more than one.

There is a forum called Fetlife which is a networking site, like Facebook for kinky people. There you will find thousands of men and women who share the cuckolding fetish (as well as any other kink you could possibly imagine). You might find comfort in reading their posts or talking to them there (if it's available in your country, since it is highly X-rated adult content).

 

[edwardblackwood]

It seems to me others have given great feedback, but I will add one thing. Since you and wife got together so young, she was still just a teenager discovering who she was. So she enjoyed flirting with other men, testing her "powers," understanding her ability to attract, etc.

As she matured, she lost this need to "sow her oats" (even though, as you said, she never actually did anything sexual with these guys). She settled into being a loyal wife and mother.

But you, on the other hand, have developed a cuckolding kink, partly based on your smaller-than-average penis. Maybe it's not actually smaller than average? Average is 5." Perhaps in proportion to your height, it seems small. Perhaps it's still plenty adequate to bring wife pleasure. I don't know. She tells you it's a good fit for her. You don't believe her. (Some cucks have bigger-than-average penises, but enjoy being told they are small, and being humiliated for it.)

You also seem to enjoy being a "submissive," doing a large share of household work, parenting, earning more than her in your career, etc.

It seems like when you and wife are actually having sex, she goes along with your cuckolding fantasy. But fantasy bears no link to reality. She might still have no desire to date others, or flirt, as she did as a much younger woman, much less actually kiss or have sexual experiences.

We are a board for polyamory, which means "multiple loves." It doesn't mean cuckolding kink for sexual gratification. Your wife doesn't want to love more than one.

There is a forum called Fetlife which is a networking site, like Facebook for kinky people. There you will find thousands of men and women who share the cuckolding fetish (as well as any other kink you could possibly imagine). You might find comfort in reading their posts or talking to them there (if it's available in your country, since it is highly X-rated adult content).

Yeah, that actually right for him. His wife just grew out of that old flirting stage, and she’s solidly committed now. His side is more about a personal fantasy and a few insecurities, not real polyamory. And honestly… he’s starting to see that he might fit better in kink-friendly spaces — you know, places where people actually understand the vibe he’s putting out.

 

[Evie]

Yeah, that actually right for him. His wife just grew out of that old flirting stage, and she’s solidly committed now. His side is more about a personal fantasy and a few insecurities, not real polyamory. And honestly… he’s starting to see that he might fit better in kink-friendly spaces — you know, places where people actually understand the vibe he’s putting out.

Hi Edward. Just to check, are you personal friends with Reed? Because you seem to be speaking *for* him here.

 

[edwardblackwood]

Hi All,

It is a long story. For a start, it's all about that I want my wife of 20 years married and we only 38 years young. I met her in school and we got together and married at age 18. Now we have 2 kids.

In the first two years of being together I was very (sickening) jealous to the point that it wasn't normal, for even my parents.

A year into our relationship we finished school (action in Europe).

We were living in her parents' house. One day, her father had a delivery of oil, and at home was only my wife. So she received the goods. The courier guy had her number from her father. Fast forward two weeks later, I catch her texting the guy. It was going for all two weeks. We had argument and she stopped. Nothing happened between them, just texting. But after a few weeks, they met each other on a date. I know nothing happened again.

Then half a year later, similar situation happened with close friends. Brother, this one was going for a half a year. They might have done something, but she denied.

Some time later, she went on a date with the guy from work, a few months of dating. She said nothing happened.

I always hated that and was going crazy about it. BUT I LOVE HER SO SO MUCH. She was and still is and always will be. Myself, I have never even flirted with another woman.

Despite all that, she got again with the guy that she dated in the past for half a year, texting and dating. But this time I was not jealous, but rather very excited. I felt strange like never before. After her date with the guy I was very excited and it felt like I loved her even more. I done everything at home, looking after kids, main family income is from me, I was even cooking for all family.

I felt like I want her to have him as a lover, because it started to drive me insane how I liked the idea of her with another man. So one day I told her everything how I feel and I told her that I know that she is dating another guy and that I am ok with it, and I am ok for her to continue. But she was shocked and surprised. She went bonkers and said that physically she never had any intimacy with any of the guys ever and don't want to have it. She just like to flirt with others but nothing more.

And she stopped doing that for what now is 16 years. She never flirted or dated anyone apart me. But me, on the other hand, going crazy and can't drop the idea of her having lover or more. It drives me crazy, I tried several times to bring this up. She did not said no, but rather, quote, "I would, but I am scared to fall in love with some other men."

What I want to ask, or maybe someone has experience and can give suggestions or thoughts about all this-- how should I try to get her into this?
I would even be ok for here to bring him to our home.
What is happening with me?? What should I do?

Sorry for grammar mistakes. Not mother language.

It’s normal to have fantasies, but your wife isn’t into it. Respect her boundaries, talk openly, and maybe see a sex-positive therapist to explore your feelings safely.