Help (new triad)

A

als1986

New member
So me and my husband of 21 years are new to polyamory. We have met this amazing woman. The thing is is since we have started dating her my husband seems like he's happier with her and seems like he enjoys sex with her more. I have tried to address my insecurities with him about this, because we always communicate, but he has started telling me that I always seem to have something to complain about or something negative to say.

He has also told me recently that I need to stop worrying about money and finances and where money goes, since I don't make the money. I'm a stay at home mom and wife.

I don't have any real friends to talk to about this because our long-time friends aren't exactly comfortable with us adding another woman to our relationship. I don't have any real family other than his family.

I love him, but I can't help but feel like he has fallen out of love with me and has fallen in love with her. I also like her a lot but I don't get to see her but maybe once a week due to school and work, but he goes and stays the night with her once a week. Any advice is appreciated.
 
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Hi and welcome. :)

I wonder how much you and your husband spent researching how polyamory works before taking the plunge and starting to date? I ask this because it's very common for spouses married a long time, and new to polyamory, to expect to "share a gf" and have everything be all balanced and equal, while it hardly ever is.

Your configuration is called a "triad." We have hundreds of threads here on triads, going back to 2009. You can do a search for the term "triad" and read all the spectacular ways they usually go up in flames. Your case is typical, almost universal.

Your shared gf is what is called a "unicorn." She is supposed to just fit in to your relationship, be indeed, "added to your relationship." But no. There are actually four relationships.

you+gf
you+your husband
gf+your husband
all three of you

Each dyad (2-person couple) and the triad need their own time to be nurtured and grow.

Here is more reading on the topic.

Our request for all couples posting in our Dating section seeking a "third to share":


What to do when your long-term partner is newly infatuated with someone else:

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

Triad or "V"?

www.readyforpolyamory.com

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...
www.readyforpolyamory.com www.readyforpolyamory.com

Are you a "unicorn hunter"?

davidlnoble.livejournal.com

So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter?

This article is a long, technical discussion of what being a "Unicorn Hunter" means, what's wrong with it, and how people in such a situation can try to avoid the negative stereotypes associated with such behavior and get the things that they are ultimately looking for. It is written in a…
davidlnoble.livejournal.com davidlnoble.livejournal.com
 
Hello als1986,

It sounds like your husband has NRE for this new woman, it is convincing him to focus on her and neglect you. NRE can last anywhere from three months to three years, so you may have to endure it for a while. You are not being negative, you have a legitimate concern and you are trying to convey it to him, however because of the NRE he is not listening. I don't blame you for feeling frustrated about that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What you’re feeling is completely understandable, especially when you’re new to poly and dealing with a lot of changes at once. It makes sense that you’d feel insecure when your husband seems very excited about the new relationship, most people struggle with that in the beginning.
It’s also okay to want reassurance and open communication. Your feelings are not “complaining.” They deserve to be heard without being dismissed.

The comment about money is concerning, though. Being a stay-at-home mom is real work, and it contributes to the household. That shouldn’t take away your right to be part of financial decisions or to express concerns.
It might help to have a calm conversation with your husband where the goal isn’t to argue, but to explain what you’re experiencing and what you need to feel secure. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable, just respect, reassurance, and a voice in your shared life.

You’re not alone, and these feelings don’t mean your relationship is failing. But it does mean something needs attention and care.
 
He does go stay the night with her once a week. But he says he's not sure if I should have one-on-one time with her, because he's says he's scared I'll mess things up. But me and her get along so well, and really do like each other.

I usually only see her in passing for just a few minutes during the week. On weekends she comes to our house and spends a night with us.

When I do try to talk to him, he is still saying I need to stop being negative and complaining, that me needing to talk several times a week is a turn off.

He has told me he enjoys sex with her more because she likes things rougher than I do. He has said he has deep feelings for her and is in love with her, and how she doesn't always need to talk about things or, in his words, "complain."

Idk what to do.

We have been together for 21 years and have 2 children.

Also, when she's around us, he's super helpful with the kids, because she has 2 and we have 2. But when it's just me and him and our kids at home, I'm the one who handles the chores and the kids 95 percent of the time. If I ask him to help with our autistic son, who throws tantrums sometimes, he gets upset with me, saying how he works all week and all I do is sit at home.
 
It sounds like you’re carrying a lot right now, and it makes complete sense that you’re feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. What you’re describing—trying to navigate a poly situation while also managing a household, children, and your own emotional needs—is incredibly challenging. It’s understandable that you’re struggling to feel supported and seen.

It seems like there’s a big imbalance in emotional labor and household responsibilities, and that’s separate from the polyamory dynamic, it’s very valid for you to expect help with chores and with your autistic son. Feeling dismissed or criticized when asking for support can be exhausting and hurtful, and it’s okay to set boundaries around that.

In terms of your partner’s relationship with her: it’s natural to feel conflicted when he expresses that he enjoys different aspects of her than he does with you. That doesn’t make your feelings any less valid. Wanting connection, communication, and shared responsibilities is not “complaining” or “negative”, it’s part of a healthy partnership.
It may help to have a calm, structured conversation with him about division of labor, emotional support, and your needs, separate from the poly dynamics. You deserve support and partnership just as much as he does. It might also be useful to consider seeing a therapist, either together or individually, to navigate both the poly aspects and the family/household stress.

You’re not overreacting, and your feelings matter. It’s okay to ask for help, to want more communication, and to expect fairness in parenting and household responsibilities.
 
www.thehotline.org

Power and Control

Power and Control Wheel: A useful lens for examining domestic violence, these are tactics an abusive partner may use in a relationship.
www.thehotline.org www.thehotline.org
 
XTremeMeow said:
It sounds like you’re carrying a lot right now, and it makes complete sense that you’re feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. What you’re describing—trying to navigate a poly situation while also managing a household, children, and your own emotional needs—is incredibly challenging. It’s understandable that you’re struggling to feel supported and seen.

It seems like there’s a big imbalance in emotional labor and household responsibilities, and that’s separate from the polyamory dynamic, it’s very valid for you to expect help with chores and with your autistic son. Feeling dismissed or criticized when asking for support can be exhausting and hurtful, and it’s okay to set boundaries around that.

In terms of your partner’s relationship with her: it’s natural to feel conflicted when he expresses that he enjoys different aspects of her than he does with you. That doesn’t make your feelings any less valid. Wanting connection, communication, and shared responsibilities is not “complaining” or “negative”, it’s part of a healthy partnership.
It may help to have a calm, structured conversation with him about division of labor, emotional support, and your needs, separate from the poly dynamics. You deserve support and partnership just as much as he does. It might also be useful to consider seeing a therapist, either together or individually, to navigate both the poly aspects and the family/household stress.

You’re not overreacting, and your feelings matter. It’s okay to ask for help, to want more communication, and to expect fairness in parenting and household responsibilities.
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Thanks. I have tried to have several calm conversations with him about all of this, and every time he starts with saying, "Here you go again complaining."

Before we met this amazing other person, everything was great between me and my husband. Better than it has ever been. Then when we start officially dating her, all of a sudden he doesn't want me spending alone time with her, while he goes and stays the night with her, and sees her sometimes on lunch breaks to have sex, because she lives very close to where he works.

I try suggesting we all do a lunch date and he doesn't seem to want that.

It's almost like he wants both of us. He wants me because I'm familiar to him and we have a family together, but he wants her for all other aspects. The only time I get to see her or anything is here at our house while he's here and she stays the night.

When us and her first decided to all date, I was under the understanding that this would be a throuple, but now he's saying he doesn't want me to spend one-on-one time with her, but he wants one-on-one time with her.
 
Well he is not treating you right, in a number of ways including poly. You have a right to complain when he treats you like this.
 
So your husband wants you to raise the children and do the housework with very little help from him, and he doesn't want to go on lunch dates with you, and he prefers sex with someone else (who he can get rough with), and he thinks you should stop "complaining."

The other woman doesn't live with him, or share children with him, maybe she doesn't consider him a serious candidate for a full-time partner, so she doesn't demand much of him. You and she are discouraged from getting close to each other, maybe because he doesn't want you two to become allies. Maybe he doesn't want you to have any allies.

There seems no point in trying to talk him into treating you well. You've already pleaded your case, but he just wants you to shut up so he can continue to do whatever he wants and still come home to a clean house and warm dinner. He's selfish and thinks he's worth more than you. In short, you have a serious power imbalance in your relationship, because he's learning he can do whatever he wants and you won't leave him.

In my experience, once someone gets away with treating you this poorly, it's unlikely to get better. My advice would be to turn your precious energy away from him (he's a black hole) and turn it towards building up a support system elsewhere (friends, family, community, a lawyer?) figure out your financials, and think about getting out before he breaks you down completely. The longer you wait to stand up--not arguing or explaining, but with ACTION: the less he will respect you, the worse he will treat you. I'm sorry you're going through this, but this is how men act when they don't love their partners, but still want their partners to provide services to them.
 
I don't know if this helps you any. But these stuck out to me.

He has also told me recently that I need to stop worrying about money and finances and where money goes, since I don't make the money. I'm a stay at home mom and wife.
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If you are his dependent, then you do need to worry about money. If you don't have separate banking already, make it so. There could be a joint account for home bills and kid bills, then his personal and your personal accounts.

Think about getting at least a part-time job, if not full time.

Are your wills, hospital papers, advance directives and all that in order? If not, get them sorted. If he gets hit by a bus, then what? You and the kids are super vulnerable like this.

I don't have any real friends to talk to about this because our long-time friends aren't exactly comfortable with us adding another woman to our relationship. I don't have any real family other than his family.
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You sound isolated. It's time to start making new friends and build community, because there's nobody to help you if things go south.

Is there some reason you can't date your own person separately, and not date the same person as him? You and she like each other, but maybe it's enough to be polite and friendly but not date each other? It's not like you get lots of time together, and it's early on. So you could pull back and end it with her.

But he says he's not sure if I should have one-on-one time with her, because he's says he's scared I'll mess things up. But me and her get along so well, and really do like each other.
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Scared you will mess things up how? Or he just doesn't want to deal with the kids alone?

You could end it with her. Then he won't have to worry about that, because you aren't dating her anymore, and you aren't competing with each other for her attention. You go date your own person.

You also don't have him dictating how your relationships should go. Right now he's super controlling of everything.

When I do try to talk to him, he is still saying I need to stop being negative and complaining, that me needing to talk several times a week is a turn off.
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Him treating you poorly/talking down to you is not a turn on for you.

If he wants to be a hinge with two partners, then he has to attend to both partners, not obsess over one and neglect the other. Sheesh.

You are in poly hell.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

Do you have a healthy relationship with him? Polyamory has a way of magnifying all the cracks that were already there.



Also, when she's around us, he's super helpful with the kids, because she has 2 and we have 2. But when it's just me and him and our kids at home, I'm the one who handles the chores and the kids 95 percent of the time. If I ask him to help with our autistic son, who throws tantrums sometimes, he gets upset with me, saying how he works all week and all I do is sit at home.
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It sounds like he's posturing just to look good in front of her.

If you are basically a single mom, you might think about actually being a single mom, and not dealing with him, and getting breaks from the kids when they are off with him. You could reflect on that. The breaking-up part stinks, because all breakups come with grief. But once you areon the other side, could it be better? Feel like relief? Maybe you want to talk to a counselor about all this stuff.

www.polyfriendly.org

might help you find one.

I'm sorry, though. This sounds hard I'm not sure what direction you want to take, but you have my sympathy.

Galagirl
 
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als1986 said:
So me and my husband of 21 years are new to polyamory. We have met this amazing woman. The thing is is since we have started dating her my husband seems like he's happier with her and seems like he enjoys sex with her more. I have tried to address my insecurities with him about this, because we always communicate, but he has started telling me that I always seem to have something to complain about or something negative to say.

He has also told me recently that I need to stop worrying about money and finances and where money goes, since I don't make the money. I'm a stay at home mom and wife.

I don't have any real friends to talk to about this because our long-time friends aren't exactly comfortable with us adding another woman to our relationship. I don't have any real family other than his family.

I love him, but I can't help but feel like he has fallen out of love with me and has fallen in love with her. I also like her a lot but I don't get to see her but maybe once a week due to school and work, but he goes and stays the night with her once a week. Any advice is appreciated.
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Update, so after 3 months, our girlfriend has told me that she doesn't feel the same towards me as she does my husband, and that she doesn't feel right continuing the relationship with either of us if she cant feel the same towards us both. So she attempted to break things off.

My husband went and basically begged her not to break up with him. He is saying he's in love with her and all the sudden he's not sure how he feels towards me.

Remember we have only been with this girl for 3 months. Me and him have been together for 22 years. This is all happening out of nowhere.

Girlfriend did tell me that she really hasn't felt anything towards me romantically since we first started dating.

He still talks to her every day. He does see her sometimes and is still loving and affectionate towards her, but is distancing himself from me. The thing she doesn't know he has thought about leaving me for her, and she doesn't want to be the reason a 22 year marriage ends, especially because there are children involved.
 
Hi als1986,

Thank you for posting your update, it sounds like things are getting increasingly messy, your husband is letting NRE steer the bus. In all fairness, feelings in triads are rarely equally distributed, so I don't know that the imbalance of feelings is a good reason for your girlfriend to break up with you. However, she should probably break up with your husband when she sees how he is treating you. But, it sounds like just the opposite is happening. She is still presumably breaking up with you, and letting him convince her to take him back. You're getting the short end of the stick here, I feel bad about that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
After 3 months, our girlfriend has told me that she doesn't feel the same towards me as she does my husband and that she doesn't feel right continuing the relationship with either of us if she cant feel the same towards us both.
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All anyone needs to break up is: “I don’t want to do this anymore.” She doesn’t want to do a triad anymore. That’s enough reason.

Expecting to feel exactly the same about two partners in a triad is unrealistic, IMO—but those are her beliefs to manage, not yours. You already have enough on your plate without taking responsibility for her internal beliefs too.

You got broken up with. You have your own feelings to deal with.

She attempted to break things off. My husband went and basically begged her not to break up with him. He is saying he's in love with her. All the sudden, he's not sure how he feels towards me. Remember, we have only been with this girl for 3 months. Me and him have been together for 22 years. This is all happening out of nowhere. Girlfriend did tell me that she really hasn't felt anything towards me romantically since we first started dating. He still talks to her every day. He does see her sometimes and is still loving and affectionate towards her, but is distancing himself from me.
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It’s okay to be sad when a relationship ends. Not everyone we date will work out. But this level of emotion and destabilization is concerning. Is he going to react like this every time a poly partner breaks up with him? And you get left dealing with his up and down moods just because you live together?

So now, instead of just dealing with your own breakup feelings, you’re expected to manage his too? And on her side, he’s refusing to respect her “No, thanks. I'm breaking up” and bugging her daily? He doesn’t sound particularly kind or respectful to either of you right now.

It sounds like he’s emotionally overloading you—maybe treating you like a free therapist while also talking about leaving you. That’s a huge mental and emotional load to put on you.

At this point, I’d strongly suggest you focus on protecting yourself. Whether or not you and your husband ultimately work through this, becoming less dependent on him is important. Get your ducks in a row: separate banking, paperwork organized, and a clear understanding of your options.

The thing she doesn't know he has thought about leaving me for her. She doesn't want to be the reason a 22 year marriage ends, especially because there are children involved.
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She would not be the reason a 22-year marriage ends.

If your husband chooses to leave you, he would be the one ending the marriage. Place responsibility where it belongs. Do not allow him to shift blame onto someone else—especially not a three-month-old relationship.

I don't know if talking to a counselor could help you right now. I know I mentioned it before, but you sound like you need some support navigating this, however it turns out in the end.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

I'm sorry this is happening like this though. :(

You deserve to be treated well.

Galagirl
 
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