How do we deal with jealousy and insecurity when it's trauma-based?

[Blah blah blah 12345]

I've made one or two posts in the past asking how to deal with the jealousy and insecurity of this lifestyle. It's a lifestyle I believe in, but I never anticipated it would be this hard. But in the past few weeks, the context for this jealousy and insecurity has completely changed. Maybe the advice would still be the same, but with all that's changed, I feel like there has to be more.

So, I freaked out during a threesome (I'm gonna be light on details here) and by happy coincidence, I had my therapist the next day. As I was telling her about it, this childhood memory came up. I started shaking and crying; it was violent and sexual. It wasn't exactly a repressed memory; it's not like I had forgotten it happened, but I was kidding myself that it was just an unpleasant thing from the past that had no effect in the present. I had to try and work out how it related to the threesome freakout, and while there were certain parallels, for the most part, it was simply that sex itself was a trigger. I have never had a normal sex life, and it would seem that trauma is the reason.

This narrative of sexual imposter syndrome has embedded itself in my psyche. I feel like someone who doesn't get to have a sex life, and any attempt to live differently is dishonest and stressful. So I made the decision to step back from sex for a while. It feels empowering for it to be my choice, I don't have that stressful feeling of being an imposter participant. And it's easier for my wife to do whatever she wants without me, because most of my stress was about being involved.

*Most of...*

We always had this difficulty where even talking about it was stressful. But I have relaxed since stepping back, and she's relaxed and has been having a good time too. But last night I was triggered again when she started talking about spending the night with a guy. She's never done that before, so that was an escalation. In the interests of not freaking out, I told her to do whatever she wanted, and that I would deal. She told me that she didn't want to, but felt obliged, since he'd paid for a hotel room, but she'd always prefer sleeping to sleep at home.

Knowing that made me a little happier, but I still wasn't happy about the situation.

From being in denial of my trauma, I can tell you that the mind makes up stories to justify why we're upset, when we don't know, or are in denial of why we're upset. And so even though I am in a place where I could process and analyse it, in the moment, I had a whole lot of false beliefs around why this upset me. They might be false, but there's a clue in everything.

At first, I swore she'd promised to stay the night, but when I questioned that, I couldn't remember ever having that discussion.

It also felt like rejection. When I was feeling insecure, she'd always assured me that I was the one she was coming home to, now she literally wasn't. We're hierarchical, we're married, she just likes to have her fun, and I'd like her to as well. But staying the night feels more like romance than fun.

See, clues, in all that, there's the rejection.

There's really no reason to associate staying the night with romance; people stay the night with casual lovers all the time... or so I am told. Remember when I said I had never had a normal sex life? Yeah, I have no sense of what people do. I am damaged goods. I don't get to have what she takes for granted, what this guy took so for granted that he paid for a hotel room.

And while stepping back is healthier than plugging away in denial, getting more and more stressed, and it's empowering that it's my choice, it has its drawbacks. I miss human touch, and I don't get the validation of another human being choosing me. I can tell myself that this does not support the idea that I am not good enough, because it's a choice that I made, that's really hard in moments like these.

I figure that trauma recovery is never absolute, and we all have to decide what recovery means to us. Absolute recovery would mean getting to a place where the trauma may as well never have happened, and that's just not possible. So I am still trying to figure out what my version of recovery will look like. The scary thought is that I never get to have the sexual confidence to be wanted, and that recovery will mean making peace with that. I have people other than my wife, who I can talk to about this, and they tell me it gets better. I am sure it does, But will better mean swallowing my sadness at being so close to the warmth of human sexuality, yet so far?

I don't need to be told the future, to be told what my recovery will look like, or for someone to do the work for me. I don't need the world to meet me half way, or make concessions. I guess I just want to hear that, provided *I* do the work, I'll be worthy of that warmth. It feels so distant right now. If I say in general that I don't feel worthy, that's treated with sympathy, because that's something we all feel from time to time. But it's also treated as the irrational product of a low mood, not something that's being constantly reinforced.

This isn't about what the future may hold; it's about the general principle that everyone is deserving of happiness and intimacy; I guess I want to hear that that applies to me too, and not just in the abstract.

What I like about the philosophy of this lifestyle is the openness. But I am just not feeling the connection that accepts the vulnerability of discussing this in anything other than the abstract.

And likewise, I don't know what "stepping back in" will look like either. I figure something like non-sexual cuddling will help me to trust touch again, but organising that is like herding cats (really not good for that narrative of not being wanted. Wouldn't this be easier if I had a normal, desirable sexuality? Meanwhile, I see on an almost-daily basis that if normal, desirable sexuality is what you have to offer, you can practically just dial someone up.) How do I step back into something that doesn't want me?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi TSA,

You might find the book "Polysecure" (by Jessica Fern) to be helpful, I have not read it, but everyone who has read it has given it glowing reviews. The thing about trauma is, you have to heal from it, before you can tackle the symptoms such as jealousy and insecurity. You have to dig back to the trauma in the past, you have to address it directly. What would you say to a loved one who was going through the same kind of trauma? That's what you have to say to yourself. And, you have to work on your ability to make friends.

You should be aware that you are worthy, *right now,* of the warmth of human touch and validation. You don't have to change in order for that to be true. You are taking a step back from sex in order to give yourself some space to collect your wits. By no means does that mean that others don't, or no longer, desire you. They are just respecting your need for space, and your right to give or withhold your consent. Try not to get sucked down a rabbit hole.

Empathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

"Polyamory" means "many loves." It sounds like you and wife are looking more for "open to casual sex" from your post. Is that true?

I'm glad you stopped doing group sex. It's not a requirement in polyamory. It's also not a requirement in open relationships. You and your wife could share casual sex with other people 1:1 rather than doing group encounters together.

She's never done that before, so that was an escalation. In the interests of not freaking out, I told her to do whatever she wanted, and that I would deal. She told me that she didn't want to, but felt obliged, since he'd paid for a hotel room, but she'd always prefer to sleep at home.

To me it sounds like both you and your wife are not making firm decisions there.

You are all, "Do what you want, I'll deal," when you seem to want to say, "That's scary to me. I'm not ready for you to spend the night elsewhere. Can we figure out a plan for easing into that instead?"

She's all, "Well, I don't want to spend the night, but he's paid for hotel, so I feel obligated." When really, if she doesn't want to spend the night, she could just tell Dude, "I'm up for a date that includes sex, but I don't want to spend the night." Dude could cancel/change his reservation to another time or use it for himself.

It's normal to crave human touch, to want to be wanted. Do you share that with your wife? Are you open to dating other partners eventually?

And likewise, I don't know what "stepping back in" will look like either. I figure something like non-sexual cuddling will help me to trust touch again, but organising that is like herding cats.

Could start low risk -- like holding babies at the NICU as a hospital volunteer. Or holding kittens and puppies at the animal shelter to help them become more adoptable. Or attending a cuddle party. Or getting a massage once a month. Maybe think about a dance class where you dance with a partner, in whatever style of dance. There is nothing sexual about any of those, just starting to include touch in your life.

You deserve happiness and good treatment. Keep going with your counseling.

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

I've made one or two posts in the past asking how I deal with the jealousy and insecurity of this lifestyle. It's a lifestyle I believe in, but I never anticipated it would be this hard.

Yes, I vaguely recall one of those.

How long have you and your wife been married?
When and why did you decide to open your relationship?
How much research/study did you do on the various stumbling points, i.e., jealousy, insecurity, risks, etc., before opening up?

With all you’ve written in this thread (and I’m sure you provide more detail and history in your other threads), maybe you need to face the reality, with your trauma history, that having an open/ENM/swinging/polyamorous relationship is just a bad idea at this time.

Maybe start small and try to have a “normal“ sex life fix that, and you won’t feel like a sexual imposter.

But last night I was triggered again when she started talking about spending the night with a guy. She's never done that before, so that was an escalation. In the interests of not freaking out, I told her to do whatever she wanted, and that I would deal. She told me that she didn't want to, but felt obliged, since he'd paid for a hotel room, but she'd always prefer to sleep at home.

A GUY? Not a bf?
Not the guy you had the freak-out with during the threesome?
A hook-up off Tinder or Craigslist?
How many guys is she seeing/hooking up with?
I'm trying to understand where the jealousy and insecurity are coming from.

Trauma recovery: what happened with the threesome freak out? That sounds traumatic to me. Did you just excuse yourself and go off and break down in private, or was it a full-blown thing in front of your wife and a strange guy? "Party over, go find my pills" sort of thing? Horribly awkward and embarrassing?

I'd think with your history past and present, that the "lifestyle" is an open source for more triggers and/or trauma.

Wasn’t the warning label on Viagra "Consult your doctor to see if your healthy enough for sex?" This is sort of the same consult your doctor/therapist/shaman/brother/uncle to see if you’re healthy enough for an open/poly relationships, where sex is the primary currency in trade.

A guy with all these sexual triggers and traumas might want to step back from that. Just sayin.'

 

[Blah blah blah 12345]

Thank you for the book reccomendation. I love practical advice like that.

The thing about trauma is, you have to heal from it, before you can tackle the symptoms such as jealousy and insecurity. You have to dig back to the trauma in the past, you have to address it directly.

I very much agree. Unfortunately real life often doesn't let us do things perfectly in sequence. You can't put tackling jealousy and insecurity on the backburner until after you've healed from trauma. Because respecting the sequence would be the ideal way of doing it, it's good to try and do it like that, but you have to make accommodations for these issues intruding on your healing. This is what I am doing by stepping back. Jealousy and insecurity are less of an issue as long as I am stepped back. But sometimes they still get triggered.

I guess maybe I have answered my own question "How do you deal with jealousy and insecurity? You do your best, and accept that jealousy and insecurity will butt in from time to time."

You should be aware that you are worthy, *right now,* of the warmth of human touch and validation. You don't have to change in order for that to be true. You are taking a step back from sex in order to give yourself some space to collect your wits.

I realise this, rationally. But I am kinda sick of self-censoring to sound more rational. Plus, only letting the rational part of me speak seems unhealthy. This is my feelings speaking, and my feelings still need convincing. In fact, because stepping back is my choice, I don't feel as unworthy as I would otherwise.

They are just respecting your need for space, and your right to give or withhold your consent.

I guess what I am saying does sound like a contradiction. I want to step back, but also have the validation of sex. I am struggling to put into words how this makes sense (maybe it doesn't).

I guess it goes back to the detail about the hotel room, and how that triggered me because it's symbolic of what I never had. If I could put into words what I do want, I think that would make it make sense. Feelings are really good at wanting, so I find it handy to analyse feelings through the framing of "what do I want?". And this is the sort of desire I'd usually suppress in order to be rational. So in the interests of not doing that, what I want is for someone to say that, if I weren't stepping back, I'd be a welcome part of their sex life. It's a jealous and insecure need, and I don't know what to do about it.

 

[kdt26417]

There's nothing wrong with expressing your needs. If what you need is for your loved one to say they still desire you, even while you are stepping back, then that is exactly what you should say to them. Ask them to give you that reassurance. It is a small thing to ask, really, if indeed they still want you and I believe they do.

 

[Blah blah blah 12345]

"Polyamory" means "many loves."

It sounds like you and wife are looking more for "open to casual sex" from your post. Is that true?

Maybe I am wrong, but I didn't think polyamory split hairs about this. The "-amory" part comes from Latin, which has different words for romance and erotic love; amor is love, not sex. But since English uses "love" for both, I thought "polyamory" covered everything from open relationships to swinging to kitchen table.

Anyway, the short answer is casual sex is where she's landed. It scratches an itch. But having regulars is what she's aiming for, and when does a "lover" become a lover? We're heirarchical, she's not looking for other relationships equal to our one. But apart from that...

By your definition, polyamory is still the goal, even if it's not what we're practicing, strictly speaking.

I'm glad you stopped doing group sex. It's not a requirement in polyamory. It's also not a requirement in an open relationship. You and your wife could share casual sex with other people 1:1 rather than doing group encounters together.

Yeah, that's exactly what *is* happening. She does have sex with others, with and without me. I just liked to be involved from time to time.

So of course I have put that on hold. But not just that. Sex itself is the trigger. I am not doing anything at all right now.

To me it sounds like both you and wife are not making firm decisions there.

You are all, "Do what you want, I'll deal" when you seem to want to say, "That's scary to me. I'm not ready for you to spend the night elsewhere. Can we figure out a plan for easing into that instead?"

She's all, "Well, I don't want to spend the night, but he's paid for hotel, so I feel obligated" When really, if she doesn't want to spend the night, she could just tell Dude, "I'm up for a date that includes sex, but I don't want to spend the night." Dude could cancel/change his reservation to another time or use it for himself.

That's what *ended up* happening; she didn't want to stay the night, so she didn't. And I suspected all along that this would happen, she's not exactly a push over.

I guess she didn't want to be in a position where she felt obligated to stay, but also felt like she couldn't because of me. She wanted the choice to be hers; she didn't want the decision to be all about whether to make him or me happy.

But for me, the damage was done. The possibility of her staying the night was the trigger, not the fact of it. That's why I didn't say anything like "I'm not ready for you to do that", because it wasn't as if I'd have been untriggered if she'd said "okay, I won't".

Basically, she wasn't making the decision to stay the night, she was making the decision to mention the possibility of it to me. And I wasn't saying "do what you want and I'll deal with the consequences", I was saying "do what you want, and I'll deal with my feelings"

At the end of the day, philosophically and theoretically I really like this lifestyle. That's why I don't want to put conditions on it. I might have to, in much the same way that I didn't want to step back from sex, even though that's been a positive decision for me. But the decision to put conditions on polyamory would affect her as well, not just me. It's a last resort.

It's normal to crave human touch, to want to be wanted. Do you share that with your wife? Are you open to dating other partners eventually?

Million dollar questions: Do I share [touch] with my wife? There's so much water under the bridge. I have freaked out at touch so much, before I understood why, that she's understandably afraid. It's halting. It's not like it is with her lovers. (Maybe I've buried the lead here.)

[Am I] open to dating other partners eventually? I would've said "that's just not our dynamic". Another reason we got into this lifestyle is because I fantasised about her with other men. She does not have fantasies about me with other people. So our dynamic has always been her sleeping around, and me not. She's still against me dating others. I think that would change if that was a need; I've thought many times that it might be a need, but always at times of stress and anxiety, so it's probably for the best that we haven't gone down that path.

But sure, once you break the seal, anything's possible. She's done it, so it's not exactly taboo. But the problem is that, while stepping back is definitely temporary, stepping back in feels very distant. So I can't even decide right now if I'd want to date other partners.

Could start low risk -- like holding babies at the NICU as a hospital volunteer. Or holding kittens and puppies at the animal shelter to help them become more adoptable. Or attending a cuddle party. Or getting a massage once a month. Maybe think about a dance class where you dance with a partner. Nothing sexual about any of those, but starting to include touch in your life.

Of course I am reading about trauma, and how it alienates you from your body, and how things like this get you back in touch. These sorts of ideas are all exciting possibilities. I'd never thought of babies.

You deserve happiness and good treatment. Keep going with your counseling.

 

[Blah blah blah 12345]

Yes I vaguely recall one of those.

You'd get those kinds of posts twice a week, wouldn't you?

How long have you and your wife been married and when and why did you decide to open your relationship?

13 years, and about two or three years open.

Part of the reason this trauma narrative makes sense is because I have never been reliably sexually functional, and it's gotten worse. This is a way for her to have that need met. But it's not something I agreed to reluctantly-- I fantasized about her with other men.

How much research/study did you do on the various stumbling points, i.e., jealousy and insecurity, risks, etc., before opening up?

We know people in poly. Maybe the majority of our social circle is in the lifestyle. I guess that made us complacent.

With all you’ve written in this thread... maybe you need to face the reality that with your trauma history that having an open/ENM/swinging/poly relationship is just a bad idea at this time.

Maybe. But neither of us wants that. I mean, reality is reality, but we're clinging to the possibility that this is not reality.

And I genuinely believe it's not. This is hard for me *sometimes,* but it's easy most of the time, and it's easier when I do healthy things like working on myself. If the choice is between developing a healthy sense of self, or controlling her sexuality, I know what I'd rather do.

Maybe start small and try to have a “normal" sex life would fix that and you wouldn’t feel like a sexual imposter.

Normal is not a choice, unfortunately. "Normal," in this context, is a euphemism for functional, which I am not.

A GUY? Not a bf? Not the guy you had the freak-out with during the threesome? A hook-up off Tinder or Craigslist? How many guys is she seeing/hooking up with? I'm trying to understan where the jealousy and insecurity are coming from.

A guy, a hookup from Tinder, or something like it. Not the threesome guy. I think she'd prefer a boyfriend, or at least a regular, but guys are flakes.

I don't know how many she has. I don't know if that's relevant to my jealousy and insecurity. If she had just one boyfriend or regular, he'd be a focus for my jealousy. This way, they're all just faceless dicks. I should interrogate that.

Trauma recovery: What happened with the threesome freak out? That sounds traumatic to me. Did you just excuse yourself and go off and break down in private, or was it a full-blown thing in front of your wife and a strange guy? "Party over, go find my pills" sort of thing… Horribly awkward and embarrassing???

That's what I was deliberately vague about, because she didn't exactly act righteously either, and I didn't want this to read like AITA.

It's the middle of summer here, like 30 degrees. So when we were just sitting around talking, we had the air conditioner on. I turned it off when we went into the bedroom, because it's a different room, but she got uncomfortably hot and said, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you turn it off?"

So I said, "Okay, this is over," and walked out. I closed the door. (But she remembers I slammed it.) I angry-cleaned the kitchen until she came out and apologized.

I would argue with anyone who said I freaked out. I think she acted worse than I did. But I use the term myself because when I think about what happened, I was definitely being triggered. The fact that the trauma story came out the next day confirms that it was a trauma reaction.

Her temper can be explosive. That's not cool, I know, and I tell her every time. But I don't usually respond like that. The context was why I reacted like I did. I was burning and not thinking straight. Just because I kept myself from doing anything outrageous, I was still triggered. Just because I may have arguably done nothing wrong, doesn't mean there's nothing to question.

Then the next couple of weeks were some of the darkest in my life. Her harsh words don't usually do that.

I'd think with your history, past and present, the "lifestyle" is an open source for more triggers and or trauma.


Wasn’t the warning label on Viagra consult your doctor to see if your healthy enough for sex? This is sort of the same consult your doctor, therapist, shaman, brother, uncle to see if you’re healthy enough for an open/poly relationships where sex is the primary currency in trade. A guy with all these sexual triggers and traumas might want to step back from that… Just sayin.'

Like I said, I don't want to dismiss this possibility. I just don't want it to be the case.... I don't think it's that serious. But I am trying to prepare myself for the possibility that it is.

"Sex is the primary currency in trade"-- that's an interesting way of putting it. It feels like the sort of cynical statement everyone I know in poly would argue against. If that's the case, then it's a no-brainer that I shouldn't be a part of it.

At the end of the day, I am stepped back. I am stepped back as much as I can without it affecting my wife. Stepping back further is not a decision for me to make, but a thing to ask her to do.

 

[Magdlyn]

First of all, to address your question above:

Maybe I am wrong, but I didn't think polyamory split hairs about this. The "-amory" part comes from Latin, which has different words for romance and erotic love; amor is love, not sex. But since English uses "love" for both, I thought "polyamory" covered everything from open relationships to swinging to kitchen table.

No, you are wrong. Completely wrong. Polyamory is specifically about loving romantically more than one person, with the knowledge and consent of all. Polyamory is under the umbrella of "ethical non-monogamy," along with swinging and open relationships.

Swinging is about casual sex, where there is almost always one primary couple who do not consent to either of them actually falling in love with another person. It's sex, maybe friendship, and that's it.

And open relationship usually means both members of a couple can go seek casual sex with others. If they "play" together, it is swinging. If one or both fall in romantic love with a casual sex partner, it morphs into polyamory.

"Kitchen-table poly" is a sub-category of polyamory, where newer partners come and hang out often, platonically, with their lover and that lover's established partner or partners. There is also "parallel poly," where the arms of a V are aware of each other, but don't meet, except maybe in passing. And there is "garden-party poly," where multiple loves of one person may hang out occasionally for special occasions, birthdays, holiday events, etc.

Part of the reason this trauma narrative makes sense is because I have never been reliably sexually functional, and it's gotten worse. This is a way for her to have that need met. But it's not something I agreed to reluctantly-- I fantasized about her with other men.

We know people in poly. Maybe the majority of our social circle is in the lifestyle. I guess that made us complacent.

Maybe. But neither of us wants that. I mean, reality is reality, but we're clinging to the possibility that this is not reality.

And I genuinely believe it's not. This is hard for me *sometimes,* but it's easy most of the time, and it's easier when I do healthy things like working on myself. If the choice is between developing a healthy sense of self, or controlling her sexuality, I know what I'd rather do.

Normal is not a choice, unfortunately. "Normal," in this context, is a euphemism for functional, which I am not.

A guy, a hookup from Tinder, or something like it. Not the threesome guy. I think she'd prefer a boyfriend, or at least a regular, but guys are flakes.

I don't know how many she has. I don't know if that's relevant to my jealousy and insecurity. If she had just one boyfriend or regular, he'd be a focus for my jealousy. This way, they're all just faceless dicks. I should interrogate that.

That's what I was deliberately vague about, because she didn't exactly act righteously either, and I didn't want this to read like AITA.

It's the middle of summer here, like 30 degrees. So when we were just sitting around talking, we had the air conditioner on. I turned it off when we went into the bedroom, because it's a different room, but she got uncomfortably hot and said, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you turn it off?"

So I said, "Okay, this is over," and walked out. I closed the door. (But she remembers I slammed it.) I angry-cleaned the kitchen until she came out and apologized.

This AC conflict happened while the threeway sex session was in progress? Your wife cursed at you for turning off the AC? I'd be upset to be cursed at too. Does she often curse at you for little things like this?

By the way, I am sorry you were violently sexually attacked as a young person. I applaud you stepping back from sex while you heal through therapy.

I would argue with anyone who said I freaked out. I think she acted worse than I did. But I use the term myself because when I think about what happened, I was definitely being triggered. The fact that the trauma story came out the next day confirms that it was a trauma reaction.

Her temper can be explosive. That's not cool, I know, and I tell her every time. But I don't usually respond like that. The context was why I reacted like I did. I was burning and not thinking straight. Just because I kept myself from doing anything outrageous, I was still triggered. Just because I may have arguably done nothing wrong, doesn't mean there's nothing to question.

Then the next couple of weeks were some of the darkest in my life. Her harsh words don't usually do that.

Again, I am sorry she is regularly "harsh" to you. That bears looking at. Why do you accept her harshness? Or is it mutual, the harshness, cursing, etc.?

Like I said, I don't want to dismiss this possibility. I just don't want it to be the case.... I don't think it's that serious. But I am trying to prepare myself for the possibility that it is.

"Sex is the primary currency in trade"-- that's an interesting way of putting it. It feels like the sort of cynical statement everyone I know in poly would argue against. If that's the case, then it's a no-brainer that I shouldn't be a part of it.

For the record, most polyamorists would not agree with dinged that "sex is the primary currency" of polyamory. Love is. Love is the point. Sex is something most adults do when in love. But some people aren't much into sex. Even asexuals can be polyamorous.

Sex can seem like the main point early on in a relationship, during the intense hormone-dump phase called "new relationship energy," or infatuation. Experienced polyamorists keep their "NRE" in check.

At the end of the day, I am stepped back. I am stepped back as much as I can without it affecting my wife. Stepping back further is not a decision for me to make, but a thing to ask her to do.

Stepping back from sex, but being interested in non-sexual touch, like cuddling, or massages, could help you. It is often recommended by sex therapists to take sex right off the table, and give each other massages, but do not let sex be the expectation or outcome.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you were hurt traumatically when you were younger. Nobody deserves that.

"Polyamory" is not the broad word. "Non-monogamy" is the broad word. The other words you used -- swinging, polyamory, KTP, a cuckold kink -- are types of non-monogamy. Like "soup" is the broad word. And tomato soup, clam chowder, chicken noodle are types of soup.

I'm not following some things. Would you be willing to clarify?

Jealousy and insecurity are less of an issue as long as I am stepped back. But sometimes they still get triggered.

So in the interests of not doing that, what I want is for someone to say that, if I weren't stepping back, I'd be a welcome part of their sex life. It's a jealous and insecure need, and I don't know what to do about it.

Just to be clearer... if jealousy is "I have something I'm afraid someone will take away" and envy is "They have something I wish I had for myself"... is this jealousy? Envy? Or a mix of both? I could be wrong, but it sounds like you envy wife (and maybe others) being able to share sex more freely without trauma. Or you envy her dating skills.

So when we were just sitting around talking, we had the air conditioner on. I turned it off when we went into the bedroom, because it's a different room, but she got uncomfortably hot and said, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you turn it off?"

Her temper can be explosive. That's not cool, I know, and I tell her every time.

How is she addressing this? Living with her temper like that, and/or verbal abuse, isn't going to be great for you, especially when you have your own healing to do.

It's also not a turn-on to share sex with someone who talks like this or has a sharp temper. You wouldn't feel totally safe.

Million dollar questions: Do I share [touch] with my wife? There's so much water under the bridge. I have freaked out at touch so much, before I understood why, that she's understandably afraid. It's halting. It's not like it is with her lovers. (Maybe I've buried the lead here.)

When you add this history, sharing touch or sex with your wife might feel stilted.

It's not like that with her other lovers, for her.

It might not be like that with other lovers, for you, especially since hopefully they aren't hot-tempered people who talk violently to you.

Part of the reason this trauma narrative makes sense is because I have never been reliably sexually functional, and it's gotten worse. This is a way for her to have that need met. But it's not something I agreed to reluctantly-- I fantasized about her with other men.

Normal is not a choice, unfortunately. "Normal," in this context, is a euphemism for functional, which I am not.

When you say "functional," do you mean you have mental blocks? I'm not sure of your gender -- but you can't get wet/hard? Something else? A combo of things? You don't have to say here online. But since you would have to address some of these things with the right doctor, when you see one, it would help to be super clear about what you experience.

[Am I] open to dating other partners eventually? I would've said "That's just not our dynamic." Another reason we got into this lifestyle is because I fantasised about her with other men. She does not have fantasies about me with other people. So our dynamic has always been her sleeping around, and me not. She's still against me dating others.

This is not okay, to me. I get you started because of a cuckold kink, but I think it could be open on both sides.

I can't think of a nicer way to say this. I mean it kindly, okay?

A trauma background? Open just for her and not you? Living with her temper/violent words? I'm concerned you accept poor behaviors/treatment from her because it's "better" than the trauma. So you think it's "good." But it is not great or healthy. And until these things change, you won't be able to heal your trauma well, because you live with a certain level of violence in the home, as a matter of course.

Even with kink, it needs to be healthy kink. So you might have to reflect if this cuckold kink is actually healthy for you in this unhealed state.

I think that would change if that was a need; I've thought many times that it might be a need, but always at times of stress and anxiety, so it's probably for the best that we haven't gone down that path.

You don't have to actually start dating other people this minute. In fact, don't. Heal some first. But I do think it could be open on both sides, so when you ARE ready, you can date other people. Right now you don't have the option at all. So part of your healing might be changing the agreement so both having the option to date others, and you get to decide when you actually use it.

Choosing to step back made you feel empowered. I think you need more of that.

Galagirl

 

[GalaGirl]

These stuck out to me, but I'll put them in a separate post. It may not be something you can address with your wife right now. But you might want to talk it over with a counselor for when you do want to talk to your wife about it.

I don't need to be told the future, to be told what my recovery will look like, or for someone to do the work for me. I don't need the world to meet me halfway, or make concessions. I guess I just want to hear that, provided *I* do the work, I'll be worthy of that warmth.

Who do you want to hear that from? Your wife? Does she treat you coldly sometimes?

It feels so distant right now. If I say in general that I don't feel worthy, that's treated with sympathy, because that's something we all feel from time to time. But it's also treated as the irrational product of a low mood, not something that's being constantly reinforced.

Who are you saying it to? Who is treating this like that? You wife?

Are you saying your wife will be sympathetic if you say you don't feel worthy in a broad way? But at the same time, she acts like this is a temporary thing from a low mood that will pass, so you feel dismissed?

But this isn't a passing mood for you. You have it a lot. Are you dealing in depression? You worry about it, and she dismisses you when you raise concerns around it?

This isn't about what the future may hold; it's about the general principle that everyone is deserving of happiness and intimacy; I guess I want to hear that that applies to me too, and not just in the abstract.

It does apply to you. But you seem like you want to hear it from your wife. And not just hear it, actually receive those kinds of behaviors from her. Could that be true?

But then, she's the one who doesn't want you to date other people. Only she gets to date other people. And then she's got a temper/violent words for you. And she doesn't listen great/dismisses you.

So basically, you are cut off from receiving warm/kind behaviors from her, or the possibility of receiving them from other dating partners.

What I like about the philosophy of this lifestyle is the openness. But I am just not feeling the connection that accepts the vulnerability of discussing this in anything other than the abstract.

It sounds like you want to connect with your wife in vulnerable ways, but she doesn't want to do that with you, like, it's not her skill set, her interest area, or she's kinda closed off to that sort of talk.

Part of your trauma healing might eventually include assessing if you and she are still compatible roomies, or compatible in general. I'll be honest. It sounds like you love her a lot, and are maybe kind of tangled up in her. But if you live in a harsh environment with a lot of temper and violent words from her, unless she is willing to change her behaviors, I'm not sure she is a healthy roomie for you to be living with during your healing time.

How can you heal from old traumas if you live with her temper and mean words at home? How can you clear old "ugh" piles out of here when there's new "ugh" coming in?

I encourage you to take care of your various health issues. See the doctors/counselors you need to see for each part. But think about your home life and whether it supports healing or not... even if that part is hard to think about.

Galagirl

 

[Blah blah blah 12345]

No, you are wrong. Completely wrong. Polyamory is specifically about loving romantically more than one person, with the knowledge and consent of all...

Thanks for the clarification. I thought it was the other way around, polyamory coming under the umbrella of ENM...

Anyway, I would say it still counts. I don't think she's in love with anyone other than me, but I know that is her goal. I guess it comes down to if polyamory is a lifestyle or a practice. If there's no one else she or I are in love with, then we're not practicing polyamory, but if we have a dynamic that allows for that, then we're in the polyamory lifestyle.

I imagine it's a blurry line. Like I said, when does a "lover" become a lover?

"Kitchen-table poly" is a sub-category of polyamory, where newer partners come and hang out often, platonically, with their lover and that lover's established partner or partners. There is also "parallel poly," where the arms of a V are aware of each other, but don't meet, except maybe in passing. And there is "garden-party poly," where multiple loves of one person may hang out occasionally for special occasions, birthdays, holiday events, etc.

Yes. This is why I would still count us as polyamorous, because we've discussed these dynamics.

Our dynamic is in flux, so I can't say which one we are, but I think we agree that kitchen table would be ideal. Initially, when I stepped back, we downgraded that to parallel, but that proved to be a bit much for me. So we're hovering somewhere below parallel.

But even if we get to kitchen table, it will always be hierarchical. Whoever else she's in love with, she'd be more in love with me (or else why be married?). Not sure how we feel about whether or not that counts. But I would argue it does.

This AC conflict happened while the threeway sex session was in progress? Your wife cursed at you for turning off the AC? I'd be upset to be cursed at too. Does she often curse at you for little things like this?

Yes and no. She's frequently harsh; this was particularly harsh, but not beyond the pale for her.

And no, she doesn't get it back.

I don't know if I am going to sound like a pushover, but putting up with this feels like something I can live with. She's unhealed in ways I relate to. I feel like if I didn't put up with it, I'd be holding her to a standard I myself couldn't meet.

We teach others how we want to be treated. So I do see the downside here; I am teaching her that I am someone who can be talked to like this (that's why I always push back, telling her as calmly as I can that it's unacceptable). But hopefully I am also teaching her that I am a safe space for her anger, and that we can accept each other's occasional irrationality.

Because I have had anger issues myself. I know that anger is the only negative emotion that we don't associate with weakness. Negative emotions generally make us feel powerless; whereas anger makes us feel like we're in control (even when we're not). I see that dynamic first-hand in her; the anger masks sadness. And I love her too goddamn much to try and force that mask off. I'd have lived a much harsher life if people had done that to me.

Her words, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" stung, because it reflects a belief that there is something wrong with me. I have done, and continue to do way too much work on myself, to be sent back by some words that she doesn't mean.

And I know I sound like a real pushover, insisting that she doesn't mean it, but her anger is explosive, it passes in a minute. She can't possibly mean it when she wouldn't even say it a minute later.

Explosively blurting out abuse over minor oversights and inconveniences is a brokenness I can't bring myself to punish.

By the way, I am sorry you were violently sexually attacked as a young person. I applaud you stepping back from sex while you heal through therapy.

Thank you.

Again, I am sorry she is regularly "harsh" to you. That bears looking at. Why do you accept her harshness? Or is it mutual, the harshness, cursing, etc.?

I just wrote a frigging essay about that question, and reading it over, it does feel a bit like over-justification.

But the one thing I would add is that I've had a few people in my life like this. I used to think it was what I deserved. That's not a healthy belief. But as I no longer believe that, I am constantly weighing up the harshness against those justifications. I am under no delusions that I deserve this, and I am watching for if it gets too much.

I was actually weighing up an exit the morning after the threesome.

Anyway, the harshness is not irrelevant, but it is incidental. It's not like I am misattributing the trigger to my past trauma, when it's actually her harsh words.

For the record, most polyamorists would not agree with dinged that "sex is the primary currency" of polyamory. Love is. Love is the point. Sex is something most adults do when in love. But some people aren't much into sex. Even asexuals can be polyamorous.

Not to be contrarian, but I think dinged's statement was poorly worded, overly cynical, but there is a point.

Literal currency is an imperfect simulacra of value. It doesn't always reflect real value, and it can exist absent of real value. But we use it to exchange value, where simply exchanging real value would be impossibly complicated, due to the amorphous, subjective nature of value.

Likewise, sex can be an imperfect simulacra of love. It doesn't always reflect love, and it can exist absent of love, but we use it to exchange and show love in an uncomplicated way.

While, of course, some people do it the hard way. An asexual polyamorous person would have to put a lot more thought into how they show love. And traumatized people have a hard time showing love (I should know). That's why risky or impulsive sexual behavior is one of the signs of CPTSD, because it's an uncomplicated, (albeit unreliable) shortcut to intimacy.

If sex is the "primary currency" of this lifestyle, that doesn't mean you can't do without it, you'd just be an outlier.

The point is, it's a sexually charged lifestyle. In a monogamous relationship, no sex means no sex. In poly, no sex means *I'm* not having sex (an asexual polyamorous person would presumably not object to their partner having sex). And maybe, if sex is a trigger, that's a bit much for me.

I really don't want it to be that way. Part of why I think sex itself is a trigger is because, even though I didn't realize it, it always has been. I was insanely me of my ex and her past. And why else would sex she hsf before she even knew me trigger me? I have worked on that, so I am not so bad there, but if sex itself is the trigger, then other people having sex that doesn't involve me is difficult, and so maybe an environment where sex is freely shared is not for me.

We can quibble about whether sex is the "primary currency", but as long as it's happening, and openly, dinged's point that maybe this lifestyle isn't for me is sadly plausible.

On the other hand, I am the master of my destiny. If I don't want it to be too triggerable/vulnerable for poly, I have the power not to be. People have the right to their sex lives. If the choice is between isolating myself from a lifestyle that I believe in ethically and morally, or controlling other people's sex lives with my trauma, I'm looking for the third option.

Sex can seem like the main point early on in a relationship, during the intense hormone-dump phase called "new relationship energy," or infatuation. Experienced polyamorists keep their "NRE" in check.

I am not an experienced polyamorist, so I am not second guessing you, but in my limited experience, this has *really* not been my experience (and I am not even talking about my wife). So it's interesting that you say this, and I wonder what you mean by keeping it "in check".

In my experience, sex might not be the primary currency, or even the main motivation of poly, but poly prides itself on being a community of healthy attitudes towards sex, where it *can* happen freely, even if you're not personally having sex, and there's no jealousy around it.

(Even though I really like poly, one of the few drawbacks, in my experience, is the pretense. I find this forum fascinating because I feel like it's people admitting to problems that they wouldn't admit to otherwise, and that the community generally likes to deny.)

So that doesn't match with experienced polyamorists feeling the need to keep NRE in check. So why would they do that? Is it because there are delicate feelings around sex that could be upset if it's flaunted around? That makes total sense, but it doesn't fit with my perception of poly (asking honestly, because I know I have a lot to learn).

 

[Blah blah blah 12345]

Wow, speaking of pacing myself, turns out there's a 10,000 character limit to comments! I gotta pace myself *here*

Stepping back from sex, but being interested in non-sexual touch, like cuddling, or massages, could help you. It is often recommended by sex therapists to take sex right off the table, and give each other massages, but do not let sex be the expectation or outcome.

Yes, exactly what I am thinking. I didn't realize this might specifically be what sex therapists recommend, so I am proud to get there by myself.

But I think I mentioned above the frustration in making this happen. There's not really anyone I can share non-sexual touch with, at the level of intimacy that would be therapeutic. And cuddle parties don't seem to be happening around me. I am actively searching, but being the hunter, not the hunted, can have its own negative effect on self-esteem when you're vulnerable. I like making things happen when they're not, but I have to pace myself on this one.

I have also thought of a sex therapist. But I have a regular one who's expensive enough, and I am seeking a second one who specializes in trauma (which would be covered by insurance). I only have the bandwidth for so much therapy at a time.

But everything worthwhile has its frustrations, which we endure because they're worthwhile.

 

[Blah blah blah 12345]

Just to be clearer... if jealousy is "I have something I'm afraid someone will take away" and envy is "They have something I wish I had for myself"... is this jealousy? Envy? Or a mix of both? I could be wrong, but it sounds like you envy wife (and maybe others) being able to share sex more freely without trauma. Or you envy her dating skills.

Yes, exactly. I didn't think of the distinction between envy and jealousy, but how you describe "envy" is exactly it.

It's an unspoken thing that I strongly feel that non-sexual intimate touch would be good for me. But as I am having trouble finding that, it feels like she can just dial someone up.

I hate thinking about it in such superficial terms, but I want what others have, I am anguished by that. I don't want to feel that way, I want to feel happy for people who have what they want. Mostly I am, but that gets hard in these dark moments.

How is she addressing this? Living with her temper like that, and/or verbal abuse, isn't going to be great for you, especially when you have your own healing to do.

It's also not a turn-on to share sex with someone who talks like this or has a sharp temper. You wouldn't feel totally safe.

How i justify this is in a big stinking essay in response to madglyn's comment. But regardless of how I justify it, your point about it presenting certain difficulties is right.

I figure it's either her cross to bear, or mine. Either she can learn to control her temper, or I can learn to live with it. And she's never showed any sign of even understanding that, so me learning to live with it is the easier/better option.

Because one thing I did point out in my essay is that I honestly feel she doesn't mean it, it's explosive, over in a minute. In a lot of ways, I have already learned to feel safe around that. Learning to feel safe with it in bed doesn't feel like a huge leap

When you add this history, sharing touch or sex with your wife might feel stilted.

It's not like that with her other lovers, for her.

This is one of those things that makes sense when I am in a good mood, and makes no sense when I'm not. When I am in a good mood, it feels like an unfortunate consequence of my situation, when I am in a bad mood, it feels cosmically unfair.

She understands enough to see that I am sometimes upset by physical touch, while her other lovers simply don't have that problem. And if course, I am learning about how trauma alienates you from your body. It's stilted and halting on my end too, and has been all along, ever before I realized or understood why.

It might not be like that with other lovers, for you, especially since hopefully they aren't hot-tempered people who talk violently to you.

It will be. Because it's stilted on my end too, and it's trauma, and you don't just forget trauma, it will be. Her temper and my trauma are two separate issues, they intersect greatly, but they exist separately.

The great thing about non-sexual intimate touch is no performance anxiety. Who cares if it's stilted.

The ultimate goal might be the confidence and safety to let it flow. But recovery will mean letting myself be awkward, vulnerable, and stilted.

When you say "functional," do you mean you have mental blocks? I'm not sure of your gender -- but you can't get wet/hard? Something else? A combo of things? You don't have to say here online.

Yeah,I've been deliberately vague about this because it's embarrassing. But being asked directly is less embarrassing, if that makes sense (doesn't feel like inflicting TMI on you if you ask).

I am AMAB non-binary, and I can't get hard. Like at all. I used to have involuntary erections (like morning wood) (which is why I thought the problem couldn't be physical, but even those don't happen anymore.

Meanwhile I haven't had an erection in a sexual context in maybe ten years. I'm only 41!

But since you would have to address some of these things with the right doctor, when you see one, it would help to be super clear about what you experience.

I am, with doctors. But the problem is "no one says "gee, that sounds like trauma", they say "erectile dysfunction isn't a priority. Try cutting out caffeine and here's some Viagra". So I instinctively play down the physical aspect of it.

This is not okay, to me. I get you started because of a cuckold kink, but I think it could be open on both sides.

It could be. I think it would be, if I said that was a need. But I think we're both too committed to returning to the previous status quo. She's against it in the sense that it's not the dynamic she wants. It's not really the dynamic I want either. But yes, it could be a need, not a want.

Having said that, we've discussed that, and that non-sexual intimate touching, and she's okay with that. We're okay with my current need for intimacy with others.

I can't think of a nicer way to say this. I mean it kindly, okay?

I get it. I am grateful.

A trauma background? Open just for her and not you? Living with her temper/violent words? I'm concerned you accept poor behaviors/treatment from her because it's "better" than the trauma. So you think it's "good." But it is not great or healthy. And until these things change, you won't be able to heal your trauma well, because you live with a certain level of violence in the home, as a matter of course.

I know it sounds bad, and I am not saying "no, actually it's good." But it's a choice, freely made and rationally weighed up

Although I will say that I am not accepting her poor behavior *because* it's better than trauma. I am accepting it for various complicated reasons, and my trauma makes that whole dynamic even more complicated. But I am not sitting here thinking "at least she's not my mother".

I used to really judge my dad for not leaving my mother sooner. But now I admire the effort he put into making it work. I think the shame is that she wasn't worth his efforts. She wasn't a good enough person. So I am extremely aware that the question with my wife is qualitative, not quantative. 'Is she a good enough person to be worthy of me and my efforts,' not 'is she better than my mother?'

And the answer has never not been 'yes.'

Even with kink, it needs to be healthy kink. So you might have to reflect if this cuckold kink is actually healthy for you in this unhealed state.

It is not healthy for me rn. I am not too proud to say that. The cuck dynamic is the status quo we're both too committed to. And while I don't know what "stepping back in" will look like exactly, that will definitely be the last thing I feel safe returning to.

You don't have to actually start dating other people this minute. In fact, don't. Heal some first. \But I do think it could be open on both sides, so when you ARE ready, you can date other people.

The objection on both sides is simply that that's not the dynamic. But I'll be rebuilding a sexual identity from less than zero. So you never know what I might want. I am excited to find out.

Right now you don't have the option at all. So part of your healing might be changing the agreement so both having the option to date others, and you get to decide when you actually use it.

That's a bit chicken and egg. I have proposed dating other people before, but always when I am in a state of anxiety. It's not felt good demanding something I wasn't sure I wanted, because I was feeling desperate. So you're talking about agreeing to date others now, but waiting til I'm healed to do it. I'd be more inclined to heal, then change the agreement, if I want to.

With all these complicated feelings going around, I don't want to make the decision to date others out of jealousy. Jealousy really goes against my philosophy of how this should go.

Choosing to step back made you feel empowered. I think you need more of that.

Very much so!

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

You wrote a lot. Cool! It was interesting to read.

To just address your one question to me, what do I mean by "keeping NRE in check?"

It's something I've learned to do. It isn't easy. NRE is a fast and furious hormone dump. When you feel interest in, and lust for someone, even before you touch, perhaps, you get that excited, obsessive, warm, hot, feeling. You feel extra alive. It's almost overwhelming, like you're a dumb teenager.

Your imagination goes wild. You might fantasize about this new person, masturbate about them. You can't wait to see them again, even just be near them. Heck, I remember when I was new to poly, I'd hug my phone when I saw a new message from the guy du jour. lol

So, say you're in a poly relationship. You have one person you totally love and trust, are sexual with, they are wonderful. But you're poly, so a new person comes along. Those NRE feelings pump up, flood your blood, body and brain. Suddenly your established lover can seem to pale in comparison.

I've learned to tamp down my NRE, to laugh inwardly at myself and that excitement. I might enjoy it, but I know it's just hormones, until proven otherwise. Usually, new relationships don't work out. I've been rejected a bunch, ghosted after promises were made, etc.

But my long-term partner has been there, for almost 17 years. I am soooo in love with her. I don't let my NRE get in the way of giving her attention. I don't neglect her.

NRE lasts 3 months to 2 years. 12 months is common. Then the new person stops being the god of your idolatry.

Read the article in our Golden Nuggets section called "Are you in poly hell?" It goes into the hazards of NRE.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info.

You have a LOT going on. I encourage you to talk to a counselor to help you identify all the layers and then help you make a strategy for addressing each one and in what order.

Internet people might be able to give you ideas for one or two things, but I really think working with a counselor is your best bet in a complex case. But then you have to get past this hurdle first.

I am, with doctors. But the problem is "no one says "gee, that sounds like trauma", they say "erectile dysfunction isn't a priority. Try cutting out caffeine and here's some Viagra". So I instinctively play down the physical aspect of it.

You might have to stop playing things down. It is YOUR appointment. Take up all the space in it!

You might have to start being more direct and say "I'm struggling to heal from past trauma. I think my ED problems are tied to that in some ways. Solving ED is a priority for me. I also deal with temper/verbal abuse at home from my wife. I may also have depression and struggle with certain thoughts. I need more help figuring out what all my health issues are first and then making a plan to address them in order."

You pay for your health care. Why wouldn't you give them all the puzzle pieces from the start? You might not know ALL the puzzle pieces. But of the ones you do know? Don't play them down. Plunk them on the table.

Meanwhile I haven't had an erection in a sexual context in maybe ten years. I'm only 41!

What was different 10 years ago? Was this before you dated wife?

If the choice is between isolating myself from a lifestyle that I believe in ethically and morally, or controlling other people's sex lives with my trauma, I'm looking for the third option.

How are you controlling people with your trauma?

FWIW? I think you answered yourself on a third option. You healing while living on your own.

I was actually weighing up an exit the morning after the threesome.

You might think about that more.

Explosively blurting out abuse over minor oversights and inconveniences is a brokenness I can't bring myself to punish.

You don't have to punish her for anything. You just don't have to cohabitate right now and receive more. You could remove yourself. Maybe flats in the same complex. You still see/date each other but have a little more separateness.

She can keep on being how she is. Or she can work on self control and not behaving like that any more with the temper and violent words.

Right now when you say it's not ok? It is better than being silent. But if you keep sticking around? Nothing actually has to change. You teach you will put up with it. You enable.

You talk about being committed to various dynamics... but I don't read that you are committed to healing/your well being. At least... not super clearly.

I'm not sure you are ready to think about a trial separation so you can heal your trauma away from the temper/verbal abuse. And so she can learn to stop doing that kind of anger/temper and verbal abuse. And then you come back together and try again and see if "New You" and "New Her" are compatible or not.

Although I will say that I am not accepting her poor behavior *because* it's better than trauma. I am accepting it for various complicated reasons, and my trauma makes that whole dynamic even more complicated. But I am not sitting here thinking "at least she's not my mother".

Would you like simpler? What would that look like for you?

I have proposed dating other people before, but always when I am in a state of anxiety.

And I'm suggesting you propose it in a state of calm.

With all these complicated feelings going around, I don't want to make the decision to date others out of jealousy. Jealousy really goes against my philosophy of how this should go.

I'm suggesting you propose changing the agreement to "Both of us can date other people" from a desire for equality -- same on both sides -- to help your mental health healing. I'm not suggestion you do it from jealousy. And not because you want to run out and date people this minute. But so you can feel more empowered about taking up space in your own body, your own mind, your own LIFE.

Functionally, nothing has to change in the dynamic. You might decide to leave the dynamic how it is. Where you just don't date other people ever. But then that happens because YOU choose that, and not because you don't have the option at all.

Which is more empowering to you? To get to choose and you choose to decline at this time? Or you do not even get the choice because it's not even on the table for you?

You seem to shrink yourself a lot. Maybe it's ok to stop doing that?

And you worry a lot about your motivations stemming from "ok reasons" or "not ok reasons." Maybe it's ok to stop doing that too?

I don't know if this applies in your case, but in case it helps you with some of the puzzle pieces.

www.coda.org

Choosing to step back made you feel empowered. I think you need more of that.

Very much so!

What decisions/choices can you make so help empower you? So you feel like you are more in charge of your own life? How can you start taking up more space in your own life? You don't have to answer any of that here. Just maybe something to think about?

GG

 

[Tinwen]

I don't think polyamory or ENM is automatically off-limits for you because you have trauma. Poly could mean endless triggers, but it could also become a philosophy empowering enough for you to seek and fulfill your real needs, those that monogamy tends to ignore. You say "I don't have a normal sex life", and I say "who cares"!

The poly community is full of weird people and, having a big overlap with kinky and tantric communities, open to a wide range of less-then-common experiences of sexuality. And full of people with various kinds of trauma compensating or seeking their way to healing in various kinds of way. Don't think swingers and threesomes. Think things like
- cuddling with a friend you see twice a year on conventions without a second thought if this is ok with your partner
- exploring attraction and touch in the controlled setting of a tantric seminar, where you can say "thank you" to stop the interaction any moment it gets slightly too much to process
- enjoying nudity with no shame attached
- exploring ritual or energetic sides of sex, deep eye contact, tension, possibly orgasms with no physical touch at all
- a massage where arousal either happens or not and it's just noted as something going on (or not)
- exploring your kink, whatever makes you tick
- freely experimenting with all levels of emotional and physical intimacy without the necessity to define someone as a partner.
Any of these sound interesting?

For me, poly doesn't mean getting more PIV sex.
My poly means (as experienced this spring):
being tied up by a man I picked at a rope jam, after taking all my courage to speak to him
enjoying his soft stroking touch while surrendering to the tight pull of ropes
getting deeply aroused while fully clothed, him never touching any "sexual" parts of my body
falling in love unexpectedly and intensely
being tied several more times but never progressing any further due to (mostly his) preferences
parting ways due to life circumstances, but still having the pictures I drew to process my experience on display half a year later, bringing up bittersweet memories of those life-giving moments
carying life-long memories of this intimate encounter, that could never have happened had I sworn monogamy.

My trauma (in this case) means eg. being extremelly happy with a relationship where I never have to reciprocate the kind of touch he gave me.

You are not less sexual because you don't want to (or can't) participate in PIV sex.
Not having an errection doesn't mean not having a fulfilling sex life.
Use poly as an empowering framework to explore your options.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi TSA,

I thought of another thread that might help you ... What are your tried and true methods for working with emotions felt as intense bodily reactions (such as jealousy, disgust, etc.)?

Kind regards,
Kevin T.