Advice please - Partner & I ended it, after 3 yrs with third

Came in just in time for the update and to recommend up to 18 months* of mourning for the breakup before expecting much excitement about anything, let alone a new one.

That said, if you consider yourself polyamorous and would like to continue to explore that on your own while your partner takes time to grieve, there’s nothing wrong with that. If your partner needs you to be sad too, red flag.

Maybe some emergency relationship counseling is in order.

*the rule of thumb I like is half the length of the relationship, which you said was 3 years
 
Magdlyn said:
I'm sorry you're still struggling. It can take quite a while to come to terms with having grown apart, no longer seeing eye-to-eye, no longer being compatible as lovers or partners. It's gut-wrenching, frustrating and often depressing. It's also complicated, if you own a home (and have poured money and heart into renovations and the garden), have minor children, maybe multiple pets, lots of shared furniture, cars, other assets. Can you tell I've been there?

The only way I was able to get out was to get a bunch of counseling, to clarify my thoughts and desires. My therapist helped me feel more empowered to move on and make choices that suited my authentic self, whom I'd become, or the self I always was and had buried to meet social expectations, etc.

I also had a group of caring, intelligent, independent women I was able to talk to, online friends I'd made on a parenting forum, all of whom I did end up meeting in person, too. I learned from their examples, their choices, the risks they'd taken to create the lives they needed to live. They were incredibly supportive-- and also really funny. And goodness knows, having laughs really helped.
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Thank you for your kindness and compassion, Magdyln. I’m working through the ‘noise’ and aiming for somewhere better. Your insight is not taken for granted. New connections not only seem healthy, but necessary. It’s encouraging to know you found yourself through grief. Perhaps I’ll do the same.
 
FeralGeek said:
Came in just in time for the update and to recommend up to 18 months* of mourning for the breakup before expecting much excitement about anything, let alone a new one.

That said, if you consider yourself polyamorous and would like to continue to explore that on your own while your partner takes time to grieve, there’s nothing wrong with that. If your partner needs you to be sad too, red flag.

Maybe some emergency relationship counseling is in order.

*the rule of thumb I like is half the length of the relationship, which you said was 3 years
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I’ll keep this in mind, FeralGeek. The grieving process after this significant life change is unlike any I’ve known before. Perhaps it’s due to the closed triad split, leaving me with my primary mono after three years (which I’ve never been through before), or maybe I’m just getting old (nah;). I’m typically more of a rebounder in mono splits, but that’s not happening because I’m faithful to my current partner regardless of whether we stay together. I’m frankly a bit sick of looking after anyone other than myself right now. So, your note about timing makes sense to me.
 
GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry things are rocky still. :(

Did you actually agree to monogamy with the remaining partner since the break up? Or they assumed this since the break up? Because people break up in polyamory and they are still doing/seeking polyamory. It doesn't "automatically" become monogamy when there's 2 people left.

If this is abusive and toxic... are you thinking about breaking up with the remaining partner? Are you now working with a counselor?

I imagine this is rough right now. I hope things get better.

GG
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Hey GG,

I did not agree to monogamy, but am honouring what my partner needs from me. I don’t like it though. The resentment feels terrible, and I’ve been very angry. This is not me.

I booked us counselling, even paid for it, and it has not helped. I’m going to spare myself from more disappointment and just look after myself for awhile.

Though this whole heartache is due to the ending of my first long-term poly relationship, I think it’s helping me find myself. I loved both my partners, and it’s been so special to understand this expansive view of romantic love. I don’t regret it.

How are you? How’s love and life treating you?
 
I did not agree to monogamy, but am honouring what my partner needs from me. I don’t like it though. The resentment feels terrible, and I’ve been very angry. This is not me.
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You can always say, "Partner, I'm making you aware. I've done this monogamy thing for __ long. I won't be doing it any more. I'm going back to polyamory. If that means we are no longer compatible, I prefer to part as peacefully as possible, under the circumstances."

You don't have to do things you don't like, especially if you are growing anger and resentment with yourself for doing something you don't really want to do.

I booked us counselling, even paid for it, and it has not helped. I’m going to spare myself from more disappointment and just look after myself for awhile.
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You might want to get individual counseling for just yourself, then.


Though this whole heartache is due to the ending of my first long-term poly relationship, I think it’s helping me find myself. I loved both my partners, and it’s been so special to understand this expansive view of romantic love. I don’t regret it.
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That's good. It's okay to grieve the break up. Then move on to your next chapter.

How are you? How’s love and life treating you?
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In general, I'm doing okay. I hope things get better for you.

GG
 
Hi again, everyone!

I have some great news to share, after months of conflict, my partner and I have resolved some differences and started dating another third! It’s still very new, but it’s been terrific so far. We are getting together with them again this weekend and we’re both very excited about it. The third person is really kind and has their shit together. We all communicate really well with one another. It’s feeling like this step is helping to create some closure from our breakup last year. Thank you again to this community for being so supportive!

Also, has anyone else here ever been banned from Tinder for trying to date as a couple? I only had the account for a couple of weeks, but was banned indefinitely for posting as a couple seeking a third. I had even chosen the category of seeking friendship, which is precisely what our third would be at first. Seems a bit discriminating to me.
 
What changed in your existing partner, especially since they didn't want any counseling?

Also, why date the same person?

If a new triad thing works, great. People can arrange themselves how they want. But there are problems with dating as a couple seeking a third, such as couple privilege, etc., enough that people get leery. Might look at:


In your case, tread with caution. The other triad breakup was only last year and there was lots of rocky. Your partner wanted to do monogamy, had a hard time with you dating separately. Maybe there's some DARVO?

I'm hoping this is turning a corner for you, and not like a brief NRE upswing, and then crashing back down again.
Go slow.
I hope things work out.

GG
 
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GalaGirl said:
What changed in your existing partner, especially since they didn't want any counseling?

Also, why date the same person?

If a new triad thing works, great. People can arrange themselves how they want. But there are problems with dating as a couple seeking a third, such as couple privilege, etc., enough that people get leery. Might look at:


In your case tread with caution. The other triad breakup was only last year and there was lots of rocky. Your partner wanted to do monogamy, had a hard time with you dating separately. Maybe there's some DARVO?

I'm hoping this is turning a corner for youm and not like a brief NREm upswing and then crashing back down again. Go slow. I hope things work out.
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Thanks so much for your care, GG!

The change has come from counselling (which started and is going well now) and hard, ongoing communication. It’s in no way perfect, but I think we’re more aligned for the time being (I’ll take it). Also, moving past our prior, long-term triad has led to a lot of learning about ourselves and as a couple. My partner does it in their way and I do it in my way.

I’ve been preparing to leave this situation for months, but have also wanted to move through it to see what was on the other side. Lots of reading and sharing my ‘truth’ with people I care about, has helped me understand who I am in this relational world, much more so than I ever understood when I was suffering silently in a monogamous life. I’ve even gone back to my passion for painting and worked on a piece for six weeks which symbolized my recent breakup and our triad dynamic. It was hard to do and I grieved as I painted, but the beauty of the final piece made it obvious that our sharing of love is not merely kink or a phase. All this being said, I really appreciate your insight, sharing of terminology and resources. I do not take any of this lightly.

The new person that we’re dating is already being well cared for. We’re all middle aged and this person is not a tourist to this dynamic. The NRE is definitely a nice ‘vibe,’ but it’s not the motivator. It’s new and feels playful and we are all genuinely connecting. One good date and then the holidays have kept us from seeing one another. However, the three of us text endlessly, laughing and sharing harder aspects of who we are. The communication is pretty remarkable and has been going on for weeks now. We’re all excited to see one another again on Saturday for our second date. :)

How are things going with you, BTW? What’s been happening in your world?

Happy New Year! Thank you again for all your generous advice and kindness. I’ll provide updates and will read the article you’ve shared.
 
Hi Aloneforadvice,

Thanks for updating us on your situation, I am super glad that you have found someone special, and that all three relationships are good. I just want your new third to last and last, a lot of it's just NRE for now, but there seems to be something deep here too.

Kind regards,
Kevin T.
 
Aloneforadvice said:
Hi again, everyone!

I have some great news to share, after months of conflict, my partner and I have resolved some differences and started dating another third! It’s still very new, but it’s been terrific so far. We are getting together with them again this weekend and we’re both very excited about it. The third person is really kind and has their shit together. We all communicate really well with one another. It’s feeling like this step is helping to create some closure from our breakup last year.
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Well, I'm glad you feel better. Truly. But I hope, since you put it like this, the new person helping to somehow create closure from the previous one, and all the toxicity and possible abuse from your nesting partner, this is not Rebound City. Please be cautious.
Aloneforadvice said:
Thank you again to this community for being so supportive!

Also, has anyone else here ever been banned from Tinder for trying to date as a couple? I only had the account for a couple of weeks, but was banned indefinitely for posting as a couple seeking a third. I had even chosen the category of seeking friendship, which is precisely what our third would be at first. Seems a bit discriminating to me.
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Tinder is not recommended for polyamorous people. And, since most poly people date as individuals, posting a couples account on a dating site is generally not highly recommended, even on more poly-friendly sites like Feeld. We do not prefer people post here as a couple, since the reality is that all couples are composed of individuals with unique preferences, writing styles, souls, spirits, hormones, genitalia, interests, communication styles, tastes, histories, families of origins, etc.

Since you said you'd read that one article GG recommended, I want to remind you of this thread in our Golden Nuggets section:


And these articles on dating as individuals or as a couple:

Detangling: https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

Triad or V? https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/triad-or-v-what-s-more-complicated

Someone called you a unicorn hunter? https://davidlnoble.livejournal.com/176039.html
 
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