Advice please - Partner & I ended it, after 3 yrs with third

[Aloneforadvice]

Hi there,

I’m so thankful to have found this site. It’s been really hard to know how to navigate the situation I’m in currently and any advice is welcome.

My parter of 16 years and I ended our relationship with our third partner in March. The three of us had been together for three years. While there were issues we each brought to the table, our third was lying to us too often and we parted ways.

The issue I’m having now is that my primary partner is no longer willing to entertain ideas of having other partners under new conditions. I would prefer to keep things playful and caring, but not move into a “throuple” scenario. I actually never wanted that before, but loved aspects of what we all had. Also, as I am now very interested in having experiences with more than my primary (I loved it), my primary is no longer motivated to do so. So we’re not only experiencing the breakup with our former partner, we’re also fighting about a path forward for the two of us.

It may be immaturity, but I am feeling very betrayed by all this. I made accommodations previously, but my primary just won’t now. I have been completely honest about my feelings and desires, and the response I get back feels like judgement- as in, I’m now a sex fiend for wanting to be poly in a new way. This really hurts.

Has anyone been through this?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Aloneforadvice,

I'm sorry you had to end your three-year relationship with a third. MF + F is commonly thought to be the thing that the word polyamory refers to, but you don't have to stick to that model, poly comes in all sorts of shapes and forms. Maybe your partner would be willing to do a new configuration. I'm sorry your partner is being so difficult about it, maybe it's time for the two of you to part ways, although I hope it doesn't come to that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi there,

I’m so thankful to have found this site. It’s been really hard to know how to navigate the situation I’m in currently and any advice is welcome.

My partner of 16 years and I ended our relationship with our third partner in March. The three of us had been together for three years. While there were issues we each brought to the table, our third partner was lying to us too often and we parted ways.

Well, that was unfortunate! Lying and distrust are not good foundations for any relationship.

The issue I’m having now is that my primary partner is no longer willing to entertain ideas of having other partners under new conditions. I would prefer to keep things playful and caring, but not moving into a “throuple” scenario. I actually never wanted that before, but loved aspects of what we all had.

Many formerly mono couples (especially MF) new to polyamory think the only way they could ever do poly is to "add a third to our relationship." Actually a triad is almost the hardest way to do poly. (Quads are probably worse.)

There is always going to be imbalance. And if you're all thinking you're poly-fidelitous (no dating others outside the triad), that makes it worse, if anyone is afraid the other two won't like it if they develop feelings for another. Is that what happened with your gf?

Also, as I am now very interested in having experiences with more than my primary (I loved it), my primary is no longer motivated to do so. So we’re not only experiencing the breakup with our former partner, we’re also fighting about a path forward for the two of us.

It may be immaturity, but I am feeling very betrayed by all this. I made accommodations previously, but my primary just won’t now. I have been completely honest about my feelings and desires, and the response I get back feels like judgement-- as in, I’m now a sex fiend for wanting to be poly in a new way. This really hurts.

Has anyone been through this?

It hurts to be accused of being a "sex fiend." I have a much higher libido than my female partner, and when we first started out, we were poly from the start, but she once asked me if I had a "sex addiction." That term was new and thrown around a lot then, around 10-15 years ago. It's true I love sex, but I'd be happy with 3X a week. Since she can go a week or two, that doesn't make me an addict lol.

(We found that once I had another partner with a libido matching my own, it counter-intuitively increased her desire for sex, since the pressure was off. Ah, estrogen is a weird thing. I'm AFAB, but non-binary and post-menopausal, so I'm in a different hormonal state from hers.)

But anyway, even though more sex is a definite draw to polyamory (if that's your desire), the main draw, and the point of it, is more love. It seems like your husband is still feeling burnt from the end of your triad, and that might be part of his hostility to the whole idea of continuing with poly now.

Feel free to vent and share more details. If often helps just to get it all out on the screen!

Meanwhile, please check out our Golden Nuggets section for books, articles, a podcast, and lots of consolidated archived threads we have going back to 2009 on any poly topic you could think of. Hopefully as you learn, you can reassure your husband about your motivations and desires in a way he can accept.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

If that's not enough, you could seek counseling with a poly-friendly therapist, as well.

 

[Aloneforadvice]

I can’t express how much I appreciate being heard here. Thank you so much. Love really is the reason for my desire to have more partners, and care. I feel like it’s like my chosen family. I also miss the physical experience.

reDefining how we love other people is my protest. It’s part of my purpose. Thank you so much.

 

[Aloneforadvice]

Well, that was unfortunate! Lying and distrust are not good foundations for any relationship.

Many formerly mono couples (especially MF) new to polyamory think the only way they could ever do poly is to "add a third to our relationship." Actually a triad is almost the hardest way to do poly. (Quads are probably worse.)

There is always going to be imbalance. And if you're all thinking you're poly-fidelitous (no dating others outside the triad), that make it worse, if anyone is afraid the other two won't like it if the develop feelings for another. Is that what happened with your gf?

It hurts to be accused of being a "sex fiend." I have a much higher libido than my female partner, and when we first started out, we were poly from the start, but she once asked me if I had a "sex addiction." That term was new and thrown around a lot then, around 10-15 years ago. It's true I love sex, but I'd be happy with 3X a week. Since she can go a week or two, that doesn't make me an addict lol.

(We found that once I had another partner with a libido matching my own, it counter-intuitively increased her desire for sex, since the pressure was off. Ah, estrogen is a weird thing. I'm AFAB, but non-binary and post-menopausal so I'm in a different hormonal state from hers.)

But anyway, even though more sex is a definite draw to polyamory (if that's your desire), the main draw, and the point of it, is more love. It seems like your husband is still feeling burnt from the end of your triad, and that might be part of his hostility to the whole idea of continuing with poly now.

Feel free to vent and share more details. If often helps just to get it all out on the screen!

Meanwhile, please check out our Golden Nuggets section for books, articles, a podcast, and lots of consolidated archived threads we have going back to 2009 on any poly topic you could think of. Hopefully as you learn, you can reassure your husband about your motivations and desires in a way he can accept.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

If that's not enough, you could seek counseling with a poly-friendly therapist as well.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate this.

 

[Aloneforadvice]

Hello Aloneforadvice,

I'm sorry you had to end your three-year relationship with a third. MF + F is commonly thought to be the thing that the word polyamory refers to, but you don't have to stick to that model, poly comes in all sorts of shapes and forms. Maybe your partner would be willing to do a new configuration. I'm sorry your partner is being so difficult about it, maybe it's time for the two of you to part ways, although I hope it doesn't come to that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

This is so kind, Kevin. Thank you for being so welcoming. I’ve been having a hard time with this.

 

[Aloneforadvice]

Well, that was unfortunate! Lying and distrust are not good foundations for any relationship.

Many formerly mono couples (especially MF) new to polyamory think the only way they could ever do poly is to "add a third to our relationship." Actually a triad is almost the hardest way to do poly. (Quads are probably worse.)

There is always going to be imbalance. And if you're all thinking you're poly-fidelitous (no dating others outside the triad), that make it worse, if anyone is afraid the other two won't like it if the develop feelings for another. Is that what happened with your gf?

It hurts to be accused of being a "sex fiend." I have a much higher libido than my female partner, and when we first started out, we were poly from the start, but she once asked me if I had a "sex addiction." That term was new and thrown around a lot then, around 10-15 years ago. It's true I love sex, but I'd be happy with 3X a week. Since she can go a week or two, that doesn't make me an addict lol.

(We found that once I had another partner with a libido matching my own, it counter-intuitively increased her desire for sex, since the pressure was off. Ah, estrogen is a weird thing. I'm AFAB, but non-binary and post-menopausal so I'm in a different hormonal state from hers.)

But anyway, even though more sex is a definite draw to polyamory (if that's your desire), the main draw, and the point of it, is more love. It seems like your husband is still feeling burnt from the end of your triad, and that might be part of his hostility to the whole idea of continuing with poly now.

Feel free to vent and share more details. If often helps just to get it all out on the screen!

Meanwhile, please check out our Golden Nuggets section for books, articles, a podcast, and lots of consolidated archived threads we have going back to 2009 on any poly topic you could think of. Hopefully as you learn, you can reassure your husband about your motivations and desires in a way he can accept.

https://polyamory.com/forums/golden-nuggets.26/

If that's not enough, you could seek counseling with a poly-friendly therapist as well.

Yes, my partner felt our triad needed to be monogamous. Our third was not able to do that. However, the issues were much more profound. Our third was actually a type of financial hustler, which we ended up seeing in action with others and has made this all kind of traumatic. I understood why they needed to navigate life this way, still do. Just made our ‘love’ feel completely inauthentic. And, we had so much love between us. Ah, it’s really a grief in my heart still today.

Thank you for asking and for your wisdom.

 

[Magdlyn]

You're very welcome. If you search the term "triad" here you'll see many dumpster fires and trainwrecks. This kind of arrangement often attracts immature naive "thirds," but it can also attract users, liars, hustlers, you name it.

Bisexual (usually female) unicorns might think an established MF couple will fulfill all their needs. But it's often an insecure unstable place to be, with family resistance, no legal protection, being the "dirty little secret," etc. Sometimes unicorns have little to no money and need a place to stay. Sometimes, on the other hand, they are exploited by the couple as a housekeeper, nanny or sex toy.

 

[Aloneforadvice]

You're very welcome. If you search the term "triad" here you'll see many dumpster fire and trainwrecks. This kind of arrangement often attracts immature naive "thirds," but it can also attract users, liars, hustlers, you name it.

Bisexual (usually female) unicorns might think an established MF couple will fulfill all their needs. But it's often an insecure unstable place to be, with family resistance, no legal protection, being the "dirty little secret," etc. Sometimes unicorns have little to no money and need a place to stay. Sometimes, on the other hand, they are exploited by the couple as a housekeeper, nanny or sex toy.

This is also very helpful. Thanks so much.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry to hear about the break up.

March is 4-5 mos ago, depending on the date. Could it be you are ready to move on and date again and your partner is still grieving?

It may be immaturity, but I am feeling very betrayed by all this. I made accommodations previously, but my primary just won’t now.

This experience may have changed each of you in different ways. Like, you changed and want more polyamorous experiences. They changed and went the other way. They don't want polyamory any more.

Plus, just because you made accommodations in the past, doesn't mean they are obligated to make any now.

Just because you lent me books in the past, doesn't mean I HAVE to loan you my books today.

I have been completely honest about my feelings and desires, and the response I get back feels like judgement- as in, I’m now a sex fiend for wanting to be poly in a new way. This really hurts.

You could take the judgements and emotional language out of it, especially since this break-up happened relatively recently. What is left?

• You want to continue to practice polyamory and date separately.
• They want to stop doing polyamory.

If this cannot be a "mixed" relationship, where you do your thing on your side, and they do their thing on their side, and you date each other, both of you may have to accept that this break-up is not "original couple and that other person over there" but "all the way down to everyone single." Sometimes triads break up paired up differently. Sometimes it goes to the "original couple + that other person." Sometimes it goes all the way to everyone single again.

I suggest you come to calm, then have the honest talks you need to be having with each other. I don't know if reading about NVC could help the conversations go better.

4-Part Nonviolent Communication (NVC) - PuddleDancer Press

Express and receive communication empathically using the four-part Nonviolent Communication process developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

nonviolentcommunication.com

Marshall Rosenberg wrote several books, but I like this one best.

Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation: Rosenberg, Marshall: 9781604077872: Amazon.com: Books

Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation [Rosenberg, Marshall] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation

www.amazon.com

Or maybe working with a counselor could help guide your conversations so they are more productive.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

Maybe both things. But have those needed conversations, however it is you have them.

Galagirl

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm going to guess. I might guess wrong, but maybe it helps you.

Yes, my partner felt our triad needed to be monogamous. Our third was not able to do that.

Is that why the idea of you dating separately is wigging out your partner? They don't want to date anyone else right now, and you dating separately on your own changes that whole "polyfidelity" or "closed to just us" thing?

Our third was actually a type of financial hustler, which we ended up seeing in action with others and has made this all kind of traumatic.

Is it also making your partner upset that the other person wasn't who they thought? So now the idea that there will be "a new weirdo" wigs them out? Have they become risk averse?

I understood why they needed to navigate life this way, still do.

Is it making your partner upset that you are willing to "understand" the hustle, and so they are leery of you being a hinge again, because you are "too nice, too understanding?" They don't feel safe enough with you? (Kinda ties into the "fear of the unknown weirdo" thing.)

You don't have to answer any of that here. I'm just trying to put myself in your partner's shoes and guess what might be worrying them, so you can ask them directly, if they aren't articulating well.

• "Is it that you don't want to date, but also don't want to give up the idea of 'closed to just us/our group,' so the idea of me dating separately bothers you?
• "Is it that our 'third' turning out to be a financial hustler came out of left field, and now you are worried about NEW unknown weirdos coming in here? You don't feel safe?"
• "Is it that you are uncertain of me as a hinge? You think I'm too nice to people, and might bring new weirdos into your life? Or that I will get hurt and you'll have to deal with the aftermath?"

Stuff like that.

At the same time, "No" is a complete sentence. If they just don't want polyamory, and you do, there's no point in picking at it. You have become incompatible over time.

Galagirl

 

[Aloneforadvice]

Is that why the idea of you dating separately is wigging out partner? They don't want to date anyone else right now, and you dating separately on your own changes that whole "polyfidelity" or "closed to just us" thing?

Is this also making your partner upset? The other person wasn't who they thought, so now the idea there there will be "a new weirdo" wigs them out? They have become risk averse?

Is it making your partner upset that you are willing to "understand" the hustle, so they are leery of you being a hinge again, because you are "too nice, too understanding?" So they don't feel safe enough with you? (Kinda ties into the "fear of the unknown weirdo" thing.)

You don't have to answer any of that here. I'm just trying to put myself in partner's shoes and guess what might be worrying them. So you can ask them directly if they aren't articulating well.

• "Is it that you don't want to date but also don't want to give up the idea of 'closed to just us/our group,' so the idea of me dating separately bothers you?
• "Is it that 'our 'third' turning out to be a financial hustler came out of left field, and now you are worried about NEW unknown weirdos coming in here? You don't feel safe?"
• "Is it that you are uncertain of me as a hinge? You think I'm too nice to people, and might bring new weirdos into your life? Or that I will get hurt and you'll have to deal with the aftermath?"

Stuff like that.

At the same time, "No" is a complete sentence. If they just don't want polyamory and you do, rgere's no point in picking at it. You have become incompatible over time.

Hi Galagirl,

Thanks so much for asking all these questions. It is helpful to read them and think about them.

After a couple of more days of fighting about this, I have decided that I need to change course. My commitment to my primary partner is very strong, but as you’ve pointed out, we’re not on the same page right now.

The accommodation I made in the past is going to continue, as I won’t be getting what I had hoped for, and yes, I am in a place where opening up our relationship feels beautiful/right to me. I’m alone with these feelings, though.

My goal is more love and more desire, which is being interpreted as less love and less desire for my primary. I know this is not true. I’m a faithful person. I’ve told them to take the lead on this if they’re interested in ever being poly again. I don’t need to control this, never wanted to. We’ll see what happens, if anything.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am in a place where opening up our relationship feels beautiful/right to me. I’m alone with these feelings, though.

So, you would like to practice polyamory, but no so much that you want to break up with partner over it so you can move on to poly-dating on your own. Is that about right? If so, how are you managing your feelings of betrayal?

My goal is more love and more desire, which is being interpreted as less love and less desire for my primary.

Is that the incompatibility? They believe "love is scarce," you believe "love is abundant," and this causes friction? Did they actually call you a "sex fiend," in those words?

Do you feel like you are being put into a box?

Could this article's list of beliefs help any? What beliefs does partner have?

kathylabriola.com - UNMASKING THE GREEN-EYED MONSTER: MANAGING JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS

By Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse JEALOUSY IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS In my counseling practice, I work with many people who have chosen to have open relationships--to have more than one intimate sexual relationship. The biggest obstacle to creating successful and satisfying open relationships is

www.kathylabriola.com

I know this is not true, I’m a faithful person.

That is not the issue. Some poly people are very faithful, and want MORE commitments with their partners, not less.

Deep compatibility with this particular partner is the issue.

I’ve told them to take the lead on this if they’re interested in ever being poly again.

How is this you aligning your behaviors to your goals?

How does you urging them to take the lead help YOU meet YOUR goal of more love and more desire?

Are you two not going to talk about a mono-poly arrangement?

I don’t need to control this. We’ll see what happens.

I could be wrong, but at this time, it sounds like you are willing to stop poly dating, and limit yourself to dating only your current partner, so they can feel okay enough in a closed relationship of two.

What about you? Are they at least willing to talk to you about your poly thoughts and feelings without shaming you, or calling you things like "sex fiend," so you can feel okay enough in a closed relationship of two? Or are you supposed to pretend that part of you doesn't exist?

I don't know this this blog entry of mine helps you any.

If you truly are willing to give up polyamory, great. Align yourself to the goal of monogamy with this partner, then.

If you are just doing this for now, hoping they will come around over time... what if they never do? Then what? Would you build resentments? Be mad at yourself for making this choice?

"Wait and see" is a valid option, especially since the break-up was relatively recent. But if you are going to do that, at least put a time limit on it. Like another 6 or 12 mos, and then you make the final call. Don't spend YOUR life "on hold" forever.

I suggest you do your soul searching.

Galagirl

 

[Aloneforadvice]

Thanks Gala,

My partner didn’t call me a “sex fiend” with those words. The exact situation is a bit more frustrating, as they have encouraged me to seek out potential third partners, to be friends or otherwise, and when I’ve thought there was a potential match, the idea of actually being with that person was offensive. The conversation turns to “Why am I not enough for you?” or “I only did this for three years with our third to make you happy," which are traps and outright lies. I saw how in love my two partners were, and it’s why I worked my ass off to be a peacemaker for all of us for our entire time together. My adoration of their love was precious to me as their "third"! I suggested I move out this past weekend because, as you said, deep incompatibility may now be the issue with my primary.

After more talking and contemplation, I decided to stay. There is a time limit, but it’s not because of me being poly on its own. It’s because the behaviour described is abusive and I can’t tolerate it. I am comfortable waiting and seeing for now, as you’re also correct that our split with our third is somewhat recent, and perhaps this angry and manipulative behaviour will improve with counselling.

Wanting more love is real for me, and my patience at this point is in part because I don’t believe love comes easy. Reading about the complex challenges of having multiple partners on this site has immediately been helpful to me, as has the insightful and caring comments from members like you.

I’ve suggested this site to another person I know in real life who is in a triad. Until now, they were the only person I could talk to about this in any sort of meaningful way, and we only met recently. I imagine this site will be helpful for them, as well.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm going to guess in case it helps you any. I might guess wrong.

they have encouraged me to seek out potential third partners, to be friends or otherwise, and when I’ve thought there was a potential match, the idea of actually being with that person was offensive.

So, they are only "supportive" in words to feel good about themselves or look good? But when the reality of you dating separately might happen, they fuss, so you give up on the idea?

Is this like coercive control?

https://twitter.com/x/status/1805945219344486824

Is this loyalty testing?

Testing — Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD

Definition : Testing - Repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to a relationship. Pop Quizzes of the Heart Many people with Personality Disorders frequently test the love, commitment and emotional state of mind of those closest to them. The behavio

outofthefog.website

The conversation turns to “Why am I not enough for you?” or “I only did this for three years with our third to make you happy," which are traps and outright lies.

Is Partner one of those "feelings are facts" people? What matters is what they feel in the moment, not actual facts?

Are they changing the narrative to suit?

Is this DARVO stuff?

DARVO - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

I saw how in love my two partners were, and it’s why I worked my ass off to be a peacemaker for all of us for our entire time together.

But why do you have to do more than your fair share? Why do you have to "work your ass off?"

Is it that Partner doesn't like the idea of dating separately, because then they would have to do the emotional labor for themselves in a new (Partner + New Person) dyad, as they wouldn't have your assistance in that anymore?

My adoration of their love was precious to me as their "third"! I suggested I move out this past weekend because, as you said, deep incompatibility may now be the issue with my primary.

Why "suggest?" If you just don't want to live together any more, you get on with your moving plans.

After more talking and contemplation, I decided to stay. There is a time limit, but it’s not because of me being poly on its own. It’s because the behaviour described is abusive and I can’t tolerate it.

If this is abusive, tread with caution. The leaving time is sometimes the dangerous time, because of that whole "If I can't have you, no one can!" thing.

In case you need a hotline and are thinking about a safe leaving plan, assume they track/peek in all your devices.

List of domestic violence hotlines - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

I am comfortable waiting and seeing for now, as you’re also correct that our split with our third is somewhat recent, and perhaps this angry and manipulative behaviour will improve with counselling.

Even if they improve and move on to date others without resorting to anger, manipulation, or abuse, you might be done. Too little, too late. Like, great, they did the work, and hopefully it works out better for the next one. But it crossed too many lines for you, so you are done. No more second chances here.

Is that where you are? I imagine this is very hard.

Galagirl

 

[Aloneforadvice]

Hi Gala,

Are you a therapist? Ha!

Again, you’ve shared many good points. I had never heard of DARVO, and believe this to be a good description of the irresponsibility/manipulation I’ve witnessed.

Basically, I’ve found space for myself in my current partnership to ‘embrace some solitude’ and enjoy my own company. This is what’s helping me decide what to do next in my life. It’s true that I have carried too much for others, and I know I don’t need to in some ways, but in others, like financially, I have less of a choice. For me to move out would mean still carrying expenses associated with a household I would no longer be living in. And, it took over ten years of effort to have this household. Nothing has been handed to me.

I went and did a sweat lodge a few weeks ago, and when it got to my turn to ask the grandfather spirits for guidance, I had no specific grief for them to take from me. Rather, I felt immense gratitude for where the footsteps of my life had taken me (in that very exact moment). I told them I was looking for more ways to share joy in the world. I’ll keep meditating on that before making big changes right now.

With gratitude!

 

[GalaGirl]

No, not a therapist. Just older and seen a lot of things.

I'm sorry you are dealing in DARVO stuff with them "flipping it around" on you. It's not great behavior.

It’s true that I have carried too much for others, and I know I don’t need to in some ways, but in others, like financially, I have less of a choice. For me to move out would mean still carrying expenses associated with a household I would no longer be living in. And, it took over ten years of effort to have this household. Nothing has been handed to me.

You don't have to share your personal finances online in detail. But why would you still be carrying expenses in a household you no longer live at? When you say "household" what does this mean? Renting? Because if it is up soon, you could give notice to the roomies that you don't plan on renewing the lease, and when it's done you are out. Or if it is far away, you could pay to break the lease early, and get your name off it, and whoever is there takes over the lease, or they get a roomie to take over just your part of it. Schools will start soon. There are going to be college students seeking housing everywhere, and then again, when they figure out their dorm mate or flat mate is not compatible, and they want to switch out.

If you own your property, it will take longer to detangle. But properties can be sold or rented out.

Definitely don't rush to make big changes. But if you are done, there's peace in having decided that in your head. You could do that this week, or even today, and then take your time in making your exit plan. Once it's been made, you count the days until your day of escape, and execute the plan.

Take whatever time you need to reflect. If you are being abused, that's not like a regular break-up. It can be dangerous, so be careful. Think about talking to a counselor or other professional.

Galagirl

 

[Aloneforadvice]

I thought I’d provide an update on this, as sadly, things have continued to break down in my now monogamous relationship. In fact, there is so much resentment between us that it’s become a toxic relationship. I’ve continued advocating for polyamory, and my partner is now completely against it. I suspect the grief we’ve carried with us from our breakup with our third is also contributing to a very bleak moment together.

I hope everyone is doing well and holding their loved ones tight. Life can change so quickly.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm sorry you're still struggling. It can take quite a while to come to terms with having grown apart, no longer seeing eye-to-eye, no longer being compatible as lovers or partners. It's gut-wrenching, frustrating and often depressing. It's also complicated, if you own a home (and have poured money and heart into renovations and the garden), have minor children, maybe multiple pets, lots of shared furniture, cars, other assets. Can you tell I've been there?

The only way I was able to get out was to get a bunch of counseling, to clarify my thoughts and desires. My therapist helped me feel more empowered to move on and make choices that suited my authentic self, whom I'd become, or the self I always was and had buried to meet social expectations, etc.

I also had a group of caring, intelligent, independent women I was able to talk to, online friends I'd made on a parenting forum, all of whom I did end up meeting in person, too. I learned from their examples, their choices, the risks they'd taken to create the lives they needed to live. They were incredibly supportive-- and also really funny. And goodness knows, having laughs really helped.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry things are rocky still.

Did you actually agree to monogamy with the remaining partner since the break up? Or they assumed this since the break up? Because people break up in polyamory and they are still doing/seeking polyamory. It doesn't "automatically" become monogamy when there's 2 people left.

If this is abusive and toxic... are you thinking about breaking up with the remaining partner? Are you now working with a counselor?

I imagine this is rough right now. I hope things get better.

GG