I am new to all of this and I would label myself as confused, conflicted and scared! My husband wants a relationship with me and another woman. I am open to the idea but terrified. To put into perspective, we have been married 20 years. I really want to glean from the community and learn, experience. I also want a safe place to share, as not many friends or family want to sit and have coffee and discuss this. I don't want anyone to slander my husband because he has opened his heart to another woman and loves her. I have met her, had her over, she met the kids. Of course they are clueless. She is a lovely person.
New here, confused, conflicted, scared
- Thread starter Serenity
- Start date
It is all very new, married and have been with my husband ever since. So it's scary to open up and expanding my comfort zone. 20 years with one man is a long time. He explained and expressed how his heart is big enough to love more than one person and I said I have a big heart too. I am unsure of what a relationship of 3 is supposed to look like.
It looks like time sharing, finance dividing, and great communication that means each individual is confident advocating for themselves and their own needs. On a deeper level, that means understanding *why* one has those needs and if they can be met in ways that are currently unfamiliar.
A good hinge, which is what your husband will be, should be great at being present with the person he is with. He will also need to ensure that he has time is his week that is his, not about being with either of you, or at work, or with kids or parents if you still have those in your daily or weekly lives.
And you will need to hone, or develop, your ability to both entertain and nurture yourself while he is out with her. There's no point sitting around pining or catastrophising. This is your era to have more autonomy. If you've been married 20 years you deserve that time! Go explore you
And now and then you can catch up for lunch or dinner all three of you, just so you're friendly enough that you can cooperate if you're ever both at his hospital bed. But please don't think that polyamory automatically means she has to be a full time part of *your* life. That's pretty rare, and takes time to develop.
silver-genie
Member
You and your husband are in a monogamous marriage, but he's "opened his heart to another woman and loves her"? Because that would be cheating.
It also sounds like he expects you to date this woman as well; is that correct?
It also sounds like he expects you to date this woman as well; is that correct?
In our Guidelines we explain that it is important/required to be gentle with newbies. Accusing her husband of cheating seems harsh and unwelcoming. He came to her and confessed he had feelings for another woman. Catching feelings for someone else and admitting them to your spouse is not cheating.
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This forum was founded on the idea that communication, empathy, and the functional relationship skills so necessary for poly relationships should be fostered here. The primary rule of this board is for members to be considerate towards each other. Other guidelines for board members include (but...
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I also don't see where the OP said they were currently in a monogamous marriage. She said they were opening up.
Serenity, you are not suddenly in a "relationship of three." You are in what we call a "V." Your husband is the "hinge." You and the new person are the arms of the V.
(You might want to choose nicknames for your husband and his new dating interest person, for ease of reading and getting feedback.)
What this new V looks like is up to the three of you. For example:
You don't have to have her over often, spending time with your children, for one thing. In fact, many people with new partners don't introduce them to their kids for a good long while. If the kids establish a bond, but the new partner doesn't work out, and suddenly stops coming around, they might be sad and upset and ask uncomfortable questions.
You personally don't need to hang out with the new person often, or even at all. You don't have to have a deep relationship with her just because your husband feels he loves her. If you only meet her in passing at the door, being polite, that is fine. We have a term for it: "parallel polyamory." If you see her occasionally on special occasions, such as birthdays and holidays, we call that "garden-party poly." If you three all hang out often, getting along great, it's called "kitchen-table poly." Finally, if you and she begin to be sexually attracted to each other, or romantic, and decide to have sex, your V becomes a "triad." (Some people call this a "throuple," but I personally don't like that made-up word.) You are in no way required to date this woman.
In fact, if you get your head wrapped around polyamory, and you continue to open your heart, you might find yourself attracted to a new person too, start dating another person for yourself, independent of the relationship between husband and New Woman. And this person might be female, male or some other gender you might be attracted to. Don't let your husband assume polyamory means you and he "share" this one woman! That is not fair. You might not even enjoy a close platonic friendship with her.
Please check out our Golden Nuggets section for links to many articles on polyamory, as well as a list of books, a helpful podcast, and links to our own archived consolidated threads on every aspect of polyamory imaginable (going back to 2009, hundreds of threads!).
You might start with the books Opening Up, and Designer Relationships. Polysecure is also very popular and helpful.
The idea would be to date her. Is loving cheating if lines haven't been crossed? We can love many people. We are in discussion mode and communicating.
Thank you!
Hello Serenity,
It sounds like you have been polybombed. You would rather be monogamous, but now you feel obligated to go along with your husband's desire to be polyamorous. He wants a relationship with another woman; I wonder if he would be okay with you having a relationship with another man? if that would even be something that you would want to do.
You are very welcome to tap into this community, it sounds like you are willing to be polyamorous, it's just new, and sudden, and scary. It's rare to have friends and family with whom you can talk about it; that's what Polyamory.com is for. Let us know how we can help. We'll do our best. It does sound like you like the woman he is interested in; that certainly helps.
Sincere regards,
Kevin T.
It sounds like you have been polybombed. You would rather be monogamous, but now you feel obligated to go along with your husband's desire to be polyamorous. He wants a relationship with another woman; I wonder if he would be okay with you having a relationship with another man? if that would even be something that you would want to do.
You are very welcome to tap into this community, it sounds like you are willing to be polyamorous, it's just new, and sudden, and scary. It's rare to have friends and family with whom you can talk about it; that's what Polyamory.com is for. Let us know how we can help. We'll do our best. It does sound like you like the woman he is interested in; that certainly helps.
Sincere regards,
Kevin T.
silver-genie
Member
Thank you for letting me know, and I'm sorry that my comment came across as harsh. My intention was to look out for someone who I feared was on the receiving end of mistreatment, but I'll be more mindful of my phrasing in the future. I'm a little confused by the rule though. At what point is someone no longer considered a newbie and therefore deemed able to handle more direct communication? What if it sounds like someone is in an abusive relationship; is it okay to point that out, or is that considered harsh? I will note that being on the autism spectrum, my natural and preferred style of communication is direct, so it's possible something I consider to be a neutral way of communicating would be considered overly direct by others. But I'm receptive to being asked to modify my phrasing.
The reason why I thought the husband might be cheating is because OP says he opened his heart to her. And he didn't tell her he was developing feelings for someone else until they were already in love. Also, it didn't seem like the husband is giving her a choice of whether or not they transition to polyamory - I got the impression he was saying that this is how it is now, take it or leave it.
Serenity, I think it's important to ask yourself if polyamory is something you actively want for yourself, separate from what your husband wants. Do you want to form romantic relationships with other people, separate from your husband? If not, it's okay to say no to opening up the relationship.
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Yeah, the phrasing is important. Rather than saying "... because that would be cheating," a softer way to put it would be, "I wonder if you feel like he cheated on you," or, "In my opinion, opening your heart to another while in a mono relationship sounds like cheating." There are other options, of course.
Being direct is fine, but coming across as just stating your own opinion, or saying something like, "This is the impression I get... correct me if I'm wrong," is gentler.
Everyone here deserves compassion and respect, newbie or regular, but newbies are taking a big risk just by posting here, so we don't want to overwhelm them with judgement right off the bat and risk losing them immediately. I hope that helps clarify. (I'm going on at length not just for you, but for anyone reading this.)
There's a range between, "This guy's a jerk, and you're stupid to stay with him," and, "You're being overly sensitive-- just trust him. Enjoy the threesome," you know?
We could ask her if that is how it is for her.
Yes.
Just a question for Serenity. Why do you also have to date the woman your husband loves? Are you attracted to women? Is she? Are you attracted to each other, compatible, and actually interested in dating each other?
Sometimes people who are new to poly think that poly means threesomes or that the only way to open up a marriage is to create a relationship of three people.
In fact, most poly people, even married poly people, date separately from their spouse and have their own separate relationships.
So, your husband could have a relationship with the new woman, while continuing to have a relationship and marriage with you. You and the woman wouldn't need to date each other.
And you could have the freedom to find a second partner of your own, too.
That's what many poly marriages look like.
Sometimes people who are new to poly think that poly means threesomes or that the only way to open up a marriage is to create a relationship of three people.
In fact, most poly people, even married poly people, date separately from their spouse and have their own separate relationships.
So, your husband could have a relationship with the new woman, while continuing to have a relationship and marriage with you. You and the woman wouldn't need to date each other.
And you could have the freedom to find a second partner of your own, too.
That's what many poly marriages look like.
silver-genie
Member
That makes sense. Thank you for clarifying.
I don't have to date her, Its an idea. She and I both message back and forth. Right now everything is really a snails pace mostly because of me. Fear of the unknown. I have never been with anyone except my husband. So lots of fears and insecurities. I am not closed to the idea or at least communicating with Lady. She and I get along well. In the end she and I might just be friends. Maybe the only thing I have to offer is just love.
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But you didn't answer the question of whether either of you are actually bisexual, and if you are, actually feel attracted specifically to each other. If the answer to the first question is No, the second question is moot. There is no possibility of girl-on-girl action.
Does your husband assume there must be hot girl-on-girl action for his benefit in polyamory? Ask him before you waste anymore time "trying" to get hot for his gf. It sounds from your posts like he does think you two need to "share" a gf. And you fudged your answer by saying you have a "big heart," whatever that means to a long-time married woman who is inexperienced at dating, who has only ever had one sex partner. How is your heart "big," and how does that relate to lesbian sex, in your mind?
Do you think polyamory requires threeway sex? Is that what your husband is telling you? Answer: it doesn't. Most poly people do not have group sex.
I know there can be FMF sexual threesomes where the Fs don't actually touch, and just attend to the M. But for you, that would entail watching your husband touch and be touched by this new person. Kissing, squeezing, breast play, oral sex, intercourse, eye-gazing. Hair pulling? Ass slapping? Moaning and groaning. Do you want to see and hear and smell that? Or does even me mentioning it kind of turn your stomach?
Likewise, are you enough of an exhibitionist to want this strange woman to watch you in the throes of sexual intimacy with your husband of 20 years? Yikes! That's a big leap. It's quite all right not to want threeway sex just because FMF sex is the most common male fantasy. Fantasy does not equal reality.
Or, you may not even be friends, you know. You can be polite acquaintances. That is perfectly fine.
You don't have to offer "love" to your metamour (your partner's partner). Indeed, it is possible to almost entirely ignore them.
Take me. My bf Aries has been dating a woman, who lives over an an hour away from us, for a good year now. I have never met her, never talked to her by text or a phone call, am not FB friends with her. Nothing.
She, Sadie is a (former?) swinger, and asked to meet me when Aries first started dating her. I saw no need. Swingers tend to be couple-centric, and have more possessive feelings, jealousy issues, and tend to cope by only "playing" as couples. I am independent. I didn't even want to meet her until Aries had been dating her a while. (And I sure didn't want to have threeway sex. I have seen her picture and I don't find her attractive, even though I am into women in general.) If it didn't work out with them, I'd have wasted my time. A couple months ago, I offered to Aries to meet her, but he has little free time to arrange such a meeting, what with the distance. So it hasn't happened.
I trust Aries. I didn't/don't need to "vet" Sadie. And she didn't need to assume he was cheating, and need to check in with me personally to vouch for him. He was obviously a man of his word.
Fortuitous
New member
Since when does love only mean sex?
It's good you know you don't have to date her.
It's also only natural to want to be friends with your metamour - it does make things easier. If for whatever reason that doesn't happen, it's fine to be polite acquittances, as Magdlyn states.
I read the 'big heart' statement to mean you are at least on a philosophical level ok with polyamory. That's good, a good start at least.
Relationships don't have a good happiness rate if there's a mono person only doing this 'for' their partner. There has to be some advantage for yourself as well. Maybe you also try dating (or flirting, or exploring sex-positive spaces) and get to know a side of yourself that would have otherwise stayed burried. Maybe you allow yourself a crush or a relationship and find out it's indeed possible for yourself to love more than one in your big heart. Maybe you find you can't do it and you just want your husband. Maybe you can ballance your marriage and outside relationships, maybe you can't and you'll either close or divorce... In any case, since he already has someone and took you by surprise, it's going to be rocky for you at first. It's your turn dealing with his NRE, New relationship energy, aka being in love; it's your turn discovering all your jealousy triggers and trying to resolve or work around them.
I hope your husband at least also takes on his share of studying about polyamory and thinking about all the pitfalls and his own jealousy triggers.
It's good that you are open to poly at least on an intellectual/ spiritual level. It's no guarantee, but people overcome all kinds of hardships believing in their ideals, and polyamory does offer a whole new set of ideals to believe in.
hetcurious19
Member
hiii, Im also new into this. What does "understanding why one has those needs"? I would like to know more about exploring if I am poly or not before discussing it with my partner to avoid accidentally hurting her.It looks like time sharing, finance dividing, and great communication that means each individual is confident advocating for themselves and their own needs. On a deeper level, that means understanding *why* one has those needs and if they can be met in ways that are currently unfamiliar.
A good hinge, which is what your husband will be, should be great at being present with the person he is with. He will also need to ensure that he has time is his week that is his, not about being with either of you, or at work, or with kids or parents if you still have those in your daily or weekly lives.
And you will need to hone, or develop, your ability to both entertain and nurture yourself while he is out with her. There's no point sitting around pining or catastrophising. This is your era to have more autonomy. If you've been married 20 years you deserve that time! Go explore you
And now and then you can catch up for lunch or dinner all three of you, just so you're friendly enough that you can cooperate if you're ever both at his hospital bed. But please don't think that polyamory automatically means she has to be a full time part of *your* life. That's pretty rare, and takes time to develop.