Jealousy over types of dates

[greenapple]

Hi, my husband and I are new to poly, about 6 months, after many years of monogamous marriage. I am not dating anybody else, my life feels pretty full, and my husband has one partner besides me.

I find myself jealous not of my husband spending time with someone else but of the types of things they can do together that he and I cannot do together. We have a child who has a disability who needs significant assistance, and it's very very hard to get a babysitter for our child. My husband and I have one day off a week that coincides while our child is at school, and we go on dates then, and we spend time together at home after our child goes to bed at night. Our child is 9 years old and although we are decently off financially now and can afford weekends away and going to concerts and things, we couldn't really afford that before we became parents. My husband and I had maybe two just-for-fun, no kid and not visiting family, trips together in 18 years of marriage, both before we had our child.

I do feel like I get enough time with my husband, and he makes sure I get kid-free time to pursue my hobbies. But I don't get to do the same kinds of things with my husband that he does with his girlfriend. They're currently away for the weekend. They've been to concerts and wineries. They've had board game nights and karaoke nights with friends (both things he and I used to do together before parenthood). Because all of our dates have to be during the day on a weekday, we usually just go to lunch and a movie matinee, or walk around the mall, or go on a local hike. No live concerts, no game nights with friends, no weekend at the hot springs. I'm sad that he gets to do those things with his girlfriend and I'm not getting the same kind of dating experience with him that she gets. I could do those things alone or with a friend or my mom, or we can do things as a family with our child along, but it's not the same.

It's not an easily solvable problem. The childcare situation is just genuinely difficult, we've tried to figure out how to have an occasional evening or overnight away together and it's just not going to be doable until our child is older and hopefully more independent. Just having a sad day right now, missing my husband and wishing he and I could do more fun things together that our family situation just doesn't allow.

I don't know what I'm asking for here. Maybe just sympathy.

 

[CoralRose]

To me, this isn't jealousy but grief. It’s grief for a version of your marriage that didn’t get much time to exist before parenthood took over and that your husband is getting to live a slice of life with someone else that you never really got with him.

And that hurts. You are handling this situation with so much emotional intelligence, which is abundantly clear. You're not resentful or asking for anything impossible.

Choosing to be a good parent to a child who needs you more than, say, my four year old toddler is a different version of love. And it sounds like you and your husband are both choosing to do that together, which is beautiful.

Since you said you could do some of these activities with friends, it doesn't sound like you're missing the activity but the chance to be "dated" by your husband in a less structured way. Polyamory doesn't magically give us more time nor does it give us less.

If all you need today is sympathy, then here it is: I'm really sorry. I wish you didn't have to feel these feelings. It sucks.

I wonder if you could gently explain to your husband this sadness and see if he can incorporate some new things into the time you do spend together to make it feel more like "real dating?" My husband and I have been together for nine years, but we still try to "date" each other by trying new things together that we don't do with anyone else. For instance, on nights in, we have a movie cookbook where we cook a meal together based on a movie (Think Blue Hawaii and fish curry with pineapple) and watch it together.

I don't have any way to fix this for you, but I just wanted to let you know your feelings are valid and real and it's okay to express that life just...isn't fair sometimes. I hope you're able to find a new way to date your husband. <3

 

[kdt26417]

Hello greenapple,

It's not fair for you to not get to do the same things with your husband that he does with his girlfriend. However, that isn't your husband's fault, and it is complicated. Things might get better after your child gets older. Can you wait that long?

I'm very sorry you're going through this.
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi Greenapple And welcome to the forum

Hi, my husband and I are new to poly, about 6 months, after many years of monogamous marriage. I am not dating anybody else, my life feels pretty full, and my husband has one partner besides me.

How much study and research did you do prior to opening your marriage ? And how, why, or what after 18 yrs caused you to make this transition ? You’re not dating anybody because of a mono “ principle “ / mindset need or because added drama and pressure to your already full plate ?

I find myself jealous not of my husband spending time with someone else but of the types of things they can do together that he and I cannot do together. We have a child who has a disability who needs significant assistance, and it's very very hard to get a babysitter for our child. My husband and I have one day off a week that coincides while our child is at school, and we go on dates then, and we spend time together at home after our child goes to bed at night. Our child is 9 years old and although we are decently off financially now and can afford weekends away and going to concerts and things, we couldn't really afford that before we became parents. My husband and I had maybe two just-for-fun, no kid and not visiting family, trips together in 18 years of marriage, both before we had our child.

It sounds like more fomo / envy. Are you feeling that you’re missing out on the experiences or that time to have said experiences / memories with your husband ? It gets tricky trying to separated all of that.

I don't know what I'm asking for here. Maybe just sympathy.

You have my sympathy …the transition IMO a is never easy

 

[Tinwen]

I hear you. Parents have a hard job. It's one of the things I'm afraid about regarding parenthood... little time for focused, fun activities. Is it really not solvable? Were you able to express this to your husband? Maybe you can aim at at doing these things at least now and then and always having a date to look forward to, even if it's weeks or months away... I hope things work out for you one way or another.

 

[greenapple]

Hi Greenapple And welcome to the forum

How much study and research did you do prior to opening your marriage ? And how, why, or what after 18 yrs caused you to make this transition ? You’re not dating anybody because of a mono “ principle “ / mindset need or because added drama and pressure to your already full plate ?

My husband and I both grew up very religious and married young, neither of us seriously dated anybody before each other. Now in mid-life he's been doing some serious therapy work, fallen away from religious practice, and started looking into other ways of living life. He did also have an affair. After the affair he expressed interest in polyamory. I know there is a lot of suspicion around that kind of thing, that some men claim interest in enm or polyamory as a way to basically get "approval" for affairs, but he's been really communicative and open. I wish it hadn't happened because of cheating, but his affair really opened his eyes to the idea that the religiously-informed monogamy that had been presented to us from childhood wasn't the only option, and also that he had a lot of internal crap that he needed to deal with in therapy, which he's been doing. We've read books and articles and listened to podcasts, and he started going to a poly meet up group. Admittedly, I wasn't feeling totally ready for it the day he came and said he'd met someone at the group that he wanted to date, but I agreed anyway. I'm not sure that anybody's ever totally ready for something like this in the same way that nobody's ever totally ready for parenthood--you can do all the research in the world but you don't know what it's going to be like for you until you're actually in the trenches. I haven't met his girlfriend but I can tell he's really happy and she seems good for him--a huge contrast to his affair partner who I did meet and who was a toxic mess. When he came home from being with her he always came back late, distracted, couldn't re-integrate into family life and was constantly texting her. It was awful. When he's been with his current girlfriend, he comes home when he says he will, happy to see us and ready to be mentally present with me and our daughter.
I'm demisexual, introverted, busy, and have sensory issues. My husband has said he would be fine with me dating, and maybe at some point in the future I'll want to, but right now I'm not interested. My husband and I met at 18 and married at 22. I'm 40, have literally never been on the dating market, and frankly it sounds terrifying and not at all fun to me. I'm kind of squicked about bodies and bodily fluids and the idea of having to get used to a new man's body and smells and sensations isn't very appealing. I have a few friends and my daughter and my mom and my job and a couple of hobbies and my husband, and that feels like a full life. I don't need a lover and I don't really want to expend the energy it would require to find a decent one.
A couple of good things for me has come of all this. I was having a little whine to my husband one time that nobody has hit on me since I was in my early 20s. One of my friends recently got hit on in a grocery store, and my husband gets hit on all the time. My husband told me that three of his friends from the poly meet up group had seen pictures of me on his social media and asked if I would be interested--all women! I'm straight and would only really expect to be hit on by men, but apparently I give off some kind of sapphic or bi vibes so maybe women have been subtly hitting on me all along and I was oblivious Definitely gave me a much-needed confidence boost about my attractiveness.
My relationship with my husband in the bedroom has also improved. Freed of the shackles of religious adherence, and with better communication skills, we've been trying some new things and having a lot of fun.

It sounds like more fomo / envy. Are you feeling that you’re missing out on the experiences or that time to have said experiences / memories with your husband ? It gets tricky trying to separated all of that.




You have my sympathy …the transition IMO a is never easy

I'm not missing out on the experiences themselves, because I could do all those things on my own or with someone else. I'm sad that I don't get to do those things specifically with my husband. I don't begrudge him sharing that with someone else, but I wish I could have something similar, because I didn't ever get adventurous or fancy dates or romantic weekend getaways with him.
I realize that I get to have experiences his girlfriend will not have. We live together and have a child and share finances, go on family vacations, and celebrate holidays together. I'm just jealous that I want to be able to do those fun things with my husband too and I can't right now. I feel very depressed when he's gone all weekend. I get happy again within hours of him coming home, so it's not a long term sadness. But yeah. I think fomo is probably a good description. I'm sad that my meta gets to have a kind of dating experience that's very different from the one I get or have ever had. It's not that I can't go out of town for the weekend, or that I don't want him to take her out, it's that I wish he could take her out of town this weekend and then take me next weekend, but that's not how our life works.

 

[Tinwen]

I'm demisexual, introverted, busy, and have sensory issues. My husband has said he would be fine with me dating, and maybe at some point in the future I'll want to, but right now I'm not interested. My husband and I met at 18 and married at 22. I'm 40, have literally never been on the dating market, and frankly it sounds terrifying and not at all fun to me. I'm kind of squicked about bodies and bodily fluids and the idea of having to get used to a new man's body and smells and sensations isn't very appealing.

I can relate , and thank you for writing this out so openly. Kissing and sex (exchange of bodily fluids basically) are not something I warm up to easily. It may be part of the reason why I stay monogamish. I have enjoyed attraction, touch, kink, even falling in love with other men during my relationship with Idealist occasionally, but I'm weirdly blocked when it comes to actual sexuality. I'm not sure if it's a residue of monogamous upbringing, some kind of issue, or just the way I am.
Polyamory is very different for different people. I find that, although my experience with other men have been rather sparse (well, apart from that year we did tantra regularly) and despite never going "all the way", they have been very enriching, even transformative. If you ever feel like it, maybe once your child is older, or the next time you get hit on by a woman , I suggest you may consider exploring the grey area of intimacy between "just friends, no touch" and a full-on second relationship - it's full of surprises.

 

[greenapple]

If you ever feel like it, maybe once your child is older, or the next time you get hit on by a woman , I suggest you may consider exploring the grey area of intimacy between "just friends, no touch" and a full-on second relationship - it's full of surprises.

In our discussion about how women seem interested in me, my husband asked me if I'd ever considered that I might be bi. I said I had given it some thought, and I'm really not--I have zero desire to have sex with a woman. It's not just old religious hangups or whatever, just genuinely only would want to have sex with a cis man, if I ever wanted to have an additional sexual relationship. However, I would be interested in romantic friendship with a woman or someone else who wasn't a cis man. Cuddling (clothed), affectionate touch, maybe closed-mouth kisses, that I could do. I actually sort of wanted that with my college best friend. I used to tell her I loved her, and hug her, I tried to get her to greet me with cheek kisses European-style. She majored in French, which I had studied too, and we used to speak French to each other and obsess about French culture, so I thought she might go for it, but that was where she drew the line. I think my displays of affection were a little uncomfortable for her sometimes and neither of us had the vocabulary or bravery to have a frank discussion about it the way I would be able to talk about it now. I am aware that romantic friendship is a better-known relationship choice now in a way it maybe wasn't 20 years ago, so that's something I might eventually look for. I'm glad that there are others out there like me!

 

[Ryan Minti]

A huge life event, like having a child, let alone one that has special needs, is a huge disruptor. You have all the sympathy I have to offer. Let me try to break this down for you.

First I'd recommend redefining your relationship as romantically closed and sexually open (how it sounds to me). This means that your partner has, not a girlfriend, but a FWB. My ex used to corner me about the amount of time and money I would spend with FWBs and wanted more 'quality time' and 'dates' with me, but she failed to see 2 important things. We can have quality time at home with our partner when co-habiting, which I gather you are. But this isn't as easy with FWBs because of logistics (can't go to yours and can't even perhaps go to theirs because they have a primary or live with parents or housemates and want to be private about the lifestyle). We have to go out often, and going out means spending money, especially the guy who will be earning more because of age and career choice statistically. If you have an issue with the frequency at which he sees his friend, then that's another issue for which there is guidance.

I'd also encourage you to explore redressing your stance that you aren't interested in playdates. It sounds like you'd be very much open, but on the terms where the pros outweigh the cons. And the biggest con is that you'd have to leave your little one with someone else. Is your partner helping here? I think that you would make this an even split of responsibility. As for attracting a FWB, it requires work. It requires swiping on the apps, or getting out there, and having the confidence to approach and be approached. One of the main drivers for opening a relationship is to apply pressure to ourselves to be a higher value conversational and sexual companion, for you and your partner by extension.

Things will get better, as you yourself admit. Stay strong.

 

[Tinwen]

First I'd recommend redefining your relationship as romantically closed and sexually open (how it sounds to me). This means that your partner has not a girlfriend but a FWB.

Why? Where do you get that impression? I see nowhere in greenapples writing that this is just a fwb, not a poly relationship. We have no idea if their partner is "in love". Since they identify as poly, not open, this would imply love is an accepted option.
"Romantically closed, sexually open" is an agreement that often brings a lot of trouble when people fall for their sex partners, which is natural, but seen as a breach of trust under this arrangement.
"Romantically closed, sexually open" is pretty much antithetical to what greenapple wrote she'd consider for herself. She's more open to platonic or cuddly romance than sex.
I can't understand why you'd point the OP in that direction. It doesn't make any sense at all.

I see you're a therapist in training and want to specialize in non-monogamy. So I think it's legitimate to ask you to please defend your view.

 

[Ryan Minti]

My invitation to reframe comes from the description of the primary relationship and the absence of a declaration of love in the secondary.

When people fall in love with their friends, not declaring it, depending on the relationship terms, is not an immediate breach. It's absolutely okay to deal with (de-escalate) emerging dynamics with FWBs on one's own, whilst staying consistent to the dynamic of the primary relationship.

Yes @greenapple does seem to put more focus on quiet companionship rather than sex, but also expresses the intimidation of getting into the SMP.

Opening up a marriage or dating after divorce are common quandaries, but the particular situation and characters at play here make for a rarer, more intriguing case.

 

[Tinwen]

My invitation to reframe comes from the description of the primary relationship and the absence of a declaration of love in the secondary.

When people fall in love with their friends, not declaring it, depending on the relationship terms, is not an immediate breach. It's absolutely okay to deal with (de-escalate) emerging dynamics with FWBs on one's own, whilst staying consistent to the dynamic of the primary relationship.

Yes @greenapple does seem to put more focus on quiet companionship rather than sex, but also expresses the intimidation of getting into the SMP.

Opening up a marriage or dating after divorce are common quandaries, but the particular situation and characters at play here make for a rarer, more intriguing case.

SMP?

 

[Magdlyn]

My invitation to reframe comes from the description of the primary relationship and the absence of a declaration of love in the secondary.

When people fall in love with their friends, not declaring it, depending on the relationship terms, is not an immediate breach. It's absolutely okay to deal with (de-escalate) emerging dynamics with FWBs on one's own, whilst staying consistent to the dynamic of the primary relationship.

Yes @greenapple does seem to put more focus on quiet companionship rather than sex, but also expresses the intimidation of getting into the SMP.

Opening up a marriage, or dating after divorce,are common quandaries, but the particular situation and characters at play here make for a rarer, more intriguing case.

I've seen you use the acronym "SMP" twice in 24 hours, on your first day here. As far as I can tell, you are referring to the "sexual marketplace." You also mention becoming a "high value" partner, another term used in the "incel/red pill/manosphere" universe. These terms and this outlook are not really relevant to polyamory. It is a whole different approach to dating, mating and romantic adult relationships.

I just wanted to point this out to members who might be confused about perspectives and motivations in your posts (since you are new and seemingly unfamiliar with polyamorous culture).

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, my husband and I are new to poly, about 6 months, after many years of monogamous marriage. I am not dating anybody else, my life feels pretty full, and my husband has one partner besides me.

I find myself jealous not of my husband spending time with someone else but of the types of things they can do together that he and I cannot do together.

This does sound unfair, and is causing you "envy." You get stuck home doing childcare while hubs is out living the life of a free and single man. I would hate that too.

My ex husband did that when we had three children and opened our relationship. I was pretty busy with the kids (one of whom had/has BPD, making her a challenge) and had no energy to date others. He found a gf at a party we attended. She actually lived 300 miles away, so to visit her, a 3 day weekend was required. He started trying to go see her once a month, which really threw off his ability to be engaged with the family, keep up with household responsibilities, date me, etc.

We have a child who has a disability who needs significant assistance, and it's very very hard to get a babysitter for our child. My husband and I have one day off a week that coincides while our child is at school, and we go on dates then, and we spend time together at home after our child goes to bed at night. Our child is 9 years old. Although we are decently off financially now and can afford weekends away and going to concerts and things, we couldn't really afford that before we became parents. My husband and I had maybe two just-for-fun, no kid and not visiting family, trips together in 18 years of marriage, both before we had our child.

My ex and I also had time for dates before kids, but not a lot of money, but our income had increased by the time we opened our relationship.

I do feel like I get enough time with my husband, and he makes sure I get kid-free time to pursue my hobbies. But I don't get to do the same kinds of things with my husband that he does with his girlfriend. They're currently away for the weekend. They've been to concerts and wineries. They've had board game nights and karaoke nights with friends (both things he and I used to do together before parenthood). Because all of our dates have to be during the day on a weekday, we usually just go to lunch and a movie matinee, or walk around the mall, or go on a local hike. No live concerts, no game nights with friends, no weekend at the hot springs. I'm sad that he gets to do those things with his girlfriend and I'm not getting the same kind of dating experience with him that she gets. I could do those things alone or with a friend or my mom, or we can do things as a family with our child along, but it's not the same.

It's not an easily solvable problem. The childcare situation is just genuinely difficult, we've tried to figure out how to have an occasional evening or overnight away together and it's just not going to be doable until our child is older and hopefully more independent. Just having a sad day right now, missing my husband and wishing he and I could do more fun things together that our family situation just doesn't allow.

I don't know what I'm asking for here. Maybe just sympathy.

In my case, I asked my ex-h to stop dating his new gf, since he wasn't meeting his responsibilities, and also making me feel like a drudge, a second-class citizen, just the "mom," while he could go and have uninterrupted conversations, sex and romantic dates with another, a complete getaway and escape into his infatuation. Having children and practicing polyamory needs to be done very delicately, or it causes pain and stress to the spouse left at home, and can cause pain and stress to the children and disorder to the homelife in general.

Our kids were 8, 11 and 13 when we first tried to open. I found it worked better when they were older, 16, 19 and 21.

You do have my sympathy!

 

[greenapple]

I'd also encourage you to explore redressing your stance that you aren't interested in playdates...

One of the main drivers for opening a relationship is to apply pressure to ourselves to be a higher value conversational and sexual companion, for you and your partner by extension.

Well, I appreciate your attempt to give advice, but this is not helpful. I don't know who opens a relationship to make themselves a "higher value" companion but that isn't our story. We decided to pursue polyamory because my husband felt that he had enough love to share with more than one partner. He's also demisexual, although in a different way from me, and that's why we specifically went for polyamory rather than something else under the ethical non-monogamy umbrella. He doesn't want casual hookups or a FWB, he wants real, full relationships with more than one person. And I'm ok with that, but the transition is challenging and brings up a lot of feelings, especially since he had a past affair and I subsequently have some issues about trust and jealousy. Jealousy in nonmonogamy is normal, we just all have to figure out how to manage our feelings and be sensitive to each other.

Also, I don't need to be a higher value sexual or conversational partner for my husband. He didn't have an affair or seek polyamory because I'm not enough, or because he wanted to get more experience. He fell in love with someone else but he still also absolutely adores me, and we have a lot of fun together. It's just different fun than he has with his girlfriend, and I'm struggling a bit with that.

I get the impression that you're trying to find problems in my situation to solve, but the problems you're solving are not my actual issues. I don't want or need to get out there in the sexual marketplace or "start swiping." My husband does look after our child while I spend time with friends or pursue hobbies. I'm not chained to the house. I'm just having some big feelings about wishing I could do things with my husband that are just not logistically realistic right now.

 

[CoralRose]

Also, I don't need to be a higher value sexual or conversational partner for my husband. He didn't have an affair or seek polyamory because I'm not enough, or because he wanted to get more experience. He fell in love with someone else but he still also absolutely adores me, and we have a lot of fun together. It's just different fun than he has with his girlfriend, and I'm struggling a bit with that.

Definitely agree with you on this. I didn't bring up polyamory to my husband because I wanted or needed him to be "higher value" in any way and frankly, that's a little insulting. My husband is enough. My partners are enough. I think the relationship with ourselves is the one we work on the most.

 

[GalaGirl]

It's not an easily solvable problem. The childcare situation is just genuinely difficult, we've tried to figure out how to have an occasional evening or overnight away together and it's just not going to be doable until our child is older and hopefully more independent. Just having a sad day right now, missing my husband and wishing he and I could do more fun things together that our family situation just doesn't allow.

I sympathize. While your kid is of the baby stage and that easies some things, kid is still in elementary school + special needs. You just aren't going to get those kinds of dates with husband for a while yet unless you mange to find a baby sitter who meets these extra care needs. It can be tough.

He can have these kinds of dates with another GF. You can have them with another BF. But having them with each other will take some time yet. It's ok to have some big feelings around that.

Parenting isn't easy.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, I appreciate your attempt to give advice, but this is not helpful. I don't know who opens a relationship to make themselves a "higher value" companion but that isn't our story. We decided to pursue polyamory because my husband felt that he had enough love to share with more than one partner. He's also demisexual, although in a different way from me, and that's why we specifically went for polyamory rather than something else under the ethical non-monogamy umbrella. He doesn't want casual hookups or a FWB, he wants real, full relationships with more than one person. And I'm ok with that, but the transition is challenging and brings up a lot of feelings, especially since he had a past affair and I subsequently have some issues about trust and jealousy. Jealousy in nonmonogamy is normal, we just all have to figure out how to manage our feelings and be sensitive to each other.

Also, I don't need to be a higher value sexual or conversational partner for my husband. He didn't have an affair or seek polyamory because I'm not enough, or because he wanted to get more experience. He fell in love with someone else but he still also absolutely adores me, and we have a lot of fun together. It's just different fun than he has with his girlfriend, and I'm struggling a bit with that.

I get the impression that you're trying to find problems in my situation to solve, but the problems you're solving are not my actual issues. I don't want or need to get out there in the sexual marketplace or "start swiping." My husband does look after our child while I spend time with friends or pursue hobbies. I'm not chained to the house. I'm just having some big feelings about wishing I could do things with my husband that are just not logistically realistic right now.

Hi greenapple,

I just wanted to point out to you and others that Ryan Minti has been banned for spamming and trolling. He seems to have had a "manosphere" or "incel" agenda he wanted to push. I encourage everyone who sees this thread to not be concerned with his irrelevant POV. It had nothing to do with the topic at hand, or polyamory in general.

 

[Magdlyn]

I sympathize. While your kid is of the baby stage and that easies some things, kid is still in elementary school + special needs.

I don't understand this part I bolded. She is 9 years, not a baby. What do you mean, "easies some things" in referring to babyhood?

Also, we don't know if the daughter is in elementary school daily, or a special school part time, or what.

You just aren't going to get those kinds of dates with husband for a while yet unless you mange to find a baby sitter who meets these extra care needs. It can be tough. He can have these kinds of dates with another GF. You can have them with another BF. But having them with each other will take some time yet. It's ok to have some big feelings around that. Parenting isn't easy.

 

[Tinwen]

I don't understand this part I bolded. She is 9 years, not a baby. What do you mean, "eases some things" in referring to babyhood?

Also, we don't know if the daughter is in elementary school daily, or a special school part time, or what.

She thinks caring for a 9 year old is easier than for a baby. I guess that's usually true, but if you mean it doesn't need to be for a special needs kid, you're probably right.