I struggle with L, so I'm gonna call him "Leo," ok?
Sigh. I mean this kindly, ok?
Get your head back into your parenting job.
I get that you and your wife are newbies. You will make newbie mistakes. That doesn't make you bad people. But your behaviors impact others -- including your kids. Don't make kids "pay" for adults' actions.
Leo may think dating your wife is "cool," but he is not fully mature yet. 20 is closer to teen than not, so I include Leo as a "kid."
I get you are managing anxiety and other challenges with a new open marriage, but your kids have to take priority, not your anxious feelings.
The timing of me contacting the kids could not wait more than like 30 minutes. I needed to make sure they remembered to take something with them. It's normally something I take them to, but my wife and L were going to take them. I only checked the cameras to be considerate...
You called the kids/wife to remind them to take X with them when they went somewhere? I think they could've lived without it, or gone back home to get it, if they forgot.
You could have let them deal with it on their own. Controlling behavior disguised as "caring" is still controlling behavior. It's not ok.
Why are there so many cameras in your home in the first place? Maybe it's time to reduce or relocate or take them down? Maybe shut off the "talking through camera" feature? What worked before may not work now.
I only checked... to try and be more considerate of what might be going on. If they were all playing a game together, I didn't want to call in the middle of it.
If it was me, I'd rather you just let me deal with remembering the item, shoot me a text about it to remind me, and then I will get to it when I get to it, or actually take a phone call from you to remind me, than have you peeking in home cameras and hearing the voice of doom going, "You need to call me." That part is creepy/spying/controlling.
You sound like you
know that, and did it anyway, and are now feeling ashamed and trying to say, "But I only did it because..." to cover and not really own it. Could that be true? Is this a habit with you?
If the married parents are in the shower together, the kids learn this is something married people do. Wife and Leo are not married yet. They do not do it. But, if Mom and her "friend" are in there together, the kids learn it's ok to be in there with "friends." So, what if Leo (or not Leo, but some other dude later) tells them it's ok for them to watch them/him shower because "friends do that"? Mom's previous behavior kinda helped pave the way for a creeper, didn't it? Not everyone out there in the dating world is healthy. You could slow down people having access to your kids and your kids' home.
If you make it "normal" for you to watch them on camera, and to hear the voice of doom coming over the speaker, issuing commands, what are your kids learning is "normal" in romantic relationships? What will they accept from their own dating partners later on, doing things like that? Do they learn they do not have any space or privacy? That all partners spy on each other? That one must obey everything a partner commands? That jealousy is "normal," or "proof" they are loved? Are you gonna accidentally send them into the world "pre-groomed" and make it easier for a creeper to target them?
Even 20-yr old Leo, if this doesn't pan out with your wife, and they break up peacefully-- she's sent him out thinking it's ok to date a 39-yr old. And the
next one might not be so nice to him.
Kids don't get a voice in this. They get to deal with whatever household setup the parents create/fail to create.
You got to leave because you were uncomfortable around Leo. Awesome.
The kids don't get that option, to just get up and take themselves elsewhere if they feel uncomfortable, not til they are older than this. Kids this small
get stuck with whatever the parents provide/fail to provide.
You are asking your kids to remain in a situation you get to opt out of. Why do you do that? If this is actually about kid safety, be home to be an extra chaperone, or to be able to whisk them away. Or take them with you in the first place. Or arrange a trusted babysitter so Mom can have her in-house date with Leo and you can go out. Make it so the kids have
someone on Team Kid whose sole job that day is to tend to them.
You were absent. Mom was twitterpated and distracted. Do better for your kids.
It's not fair to ask children to deal with something you get to opt out of-- Mom having her BF over.
If Mom is NRE-drunk and annoying, guess what? All her annoying behaviors are coming out for the kids too -- just maybe in different ways than for you. "Mom said her friend Leo was coming to play, but Mom parked us on the couch with a movie and hogged her friend Leo to herself."
Even without the shower thing, does this let a kid grow trust in Mom's word or not? Does this feel like micro-rejection from Mom? And you are gone, so not playing either? Is this going to set the kids up to be hungry for attention,
any attention?
"Stranger danger" sometimes happens, but way more often kids are harmed by people they know, who are in their orbit. They don't need to be "pre-groomed."
I understand that checking the cameras can be invasive, and that's why I didn't sit there and spy on them the whole time... the voice from the camera was inappropriate. But I was very upset at the moment... me being unable to get a hold of her has been a problem.... If me discovering a boundary has been crossed, especially one that was agreed on, isn't considered important, then how should I approach it?
I'd come home immediately, if possible, so the kids would have an
on-site chaperone I trust -- ME!
Then I'd wait until Leo went home, and their date was totally over, and I'd tell Wife I want to talk and set up a time for that. When that time comes around, I'd say:
"On your last date, I was worried about you all forgetting to take X with you. Nobody was responding to my reminder texts, and my anxiety got the best of me. I know checking on cameras is invasive, but I peeked. I apologize and take full responsibility. In future, to prevent peeking, I want to talk about relocating, reducing, or removing the cameras entirely.
I learned that you and Leo were in the bathroom together, and the kid was on the couch. I learned you didn't uphold our shared agreements. I'm not going to tell you to break up with Leo, but can we agree on no more new potentials until we get a hold of a couples counselor and go see them? I'm not happy with how we are handling opening up. This is too roller coaster for me right now, and bringing out sides of me I don't like. I want us to get through the transition better than this. We need help making agreements
both of us can stick to. We both could make better agreements for kid care too."
Then you sort the rest with a counselor present, including when it's ok and when is too soon for your kids to meet a potential/dating partner.
If your partner agreed to take someone else out to your favorite restaurant, and you see their car in the parking lot, do you just let it go or do you call/text them?
People can go eat at places, including my favorite restaurant. I do not call/text them and ask what is going on. I'd assume people in restaurants are eating. If this is an open marriage, your spouse can take their date out to eat.
If this is making you so anxious that you want to latch on and control
something just to feel better? You pick something better to control than favorite restaurants or where your spouse's car is parked.
You could talk to a counselor, or even a doctor, to see if anxiety meds are appropriate in your case.
But sometimes your feelings are are not "wrong" -- they are the smoke alarm telling you there's a fire. You don't smack the alarm with a hammer to get it to stop beeping, then sit on the couch while the fire burns the house down. If this is a case of-- an open marriage sounded great, you'd love to be able to do it, but you find that you actually don't have the skills for it, either pause to learn them, or let the idea go.
Originally you wanted group sex with your wife, not polyamory. Maybe you could date, on your side, someone who likes going to sex clubs for group sex (if that person is not your wife), while your wife dates on her side for polyamory. Would you be ok with a "mixed marriage" like that?
Changes are sometimes scary and come with uncomfortable feelings. That's part of the price of admission.
But if it's too much, too fast, but you are determined to change to open marriage, so the transition period can go easier on all-- SLOW DOWN. Poly has a way of magnifying all the cracks that were already there.
If she's not wanting to slow down; if you're in poly hell:
COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com
... if her dating people way too young makes you feel gross; if you are worried about your kids, there are bigger problems here than her going out to eat in a restaurant with a date.
Internet people might be able to help with one or two things, but a professional counselor may be needed when there is a whole collection of things. If there is a whole collection, you have to identify what they all are, and put them in some kind of order, and tackle them one at a time.
You might also look into support groups like
www.coda.org or
www.adultchildren.org, if either of those applies. Both teach people how to have healthy boundaries and recover from the things that brought them to the support group.
Galagirl
) - I want at least some picture how that went! - or if he's upstairs with Meta. I'm also not interested in hearing about their intimacy (of any kind), ick. 
www.multiamory.com