I know its just a garden variety affair, but...

U

unwitty

New member
Warning- long.

I am engaged to Ned and would consider us to have a happy, healthy relationship. We have been together for four years and are getting married in August.

I met Tom at work and felt a strong physical attraction. As we began to talk more I really developed some emotional bonds with Tom. We began to have an affair. Now we are in the throes of NRE.

Honestly, I felt I was going crazy, because the thought of loving and caring for two people at once was so crazy. I always just thought people looked for affairs when they were unhappy in their relationships. I was very happy with Ned when I met Tom. But then I began to doubt my relationship with Ned, because how could I love two people at once?

Ned and I have discussed polyamory, because we both had sex with other people. We have discussed opening our relationship sexually to others, or if something happens, it being okay. We never discussed being emotionally attached to others, because both of us felt that you can't love more than one person at once. I am finding this to be untrue.

I know Ted wants me to be in his life, no matter what. Even just as a friend, if that's all I can do. I want to be more than friends with him. For so many reasons that I won't go into now (emotionally and logically) I don't think Tom and I would really work out if I left Ned to be with him.

I guess I am just discovering via an affair that I am polyamorous and monoamory is not for me. Ned knows that I would like to be open sexually. I know I will have to tell him one day that I am polyamorous, but it terrifies me to lose him.

I am also struggling with the idea of accepting that I am poly. I feel that this is me. But it's not the societal norm, and I find it hard to go against the grain. I am also struggling because I know lying is wrong, and cheating is wrong. But I am so happy with Tom. I have some issues with self-harm and don't want to beat myself up so much about my actions and end up hurting myself.

I know what I am doing is not poly, because that requires you to be honest, which I am not doing. I am also having an amazing time and am very happy with both of them. I don't want the happy time to end just yet.

Help.
 
Help with what? What kind of help? It sounds like you already know the difference between right and wrong, but are choosing to ignore it.
 
Why can something that is wrong make me feel so happy?

I don't know how/when/if I should tell my fiance. I don't know how/when/if I could ever break it off with my lover.
 
unwitty said:
Why can something that is wrong make me feel so happy?

I don't know how/when/if I should tell my fiance. I don't know how/when/if I could ever break it off with my lover.
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I think you can ask that of drugs and alcohol. Every wrong decision has an almost immediate and happy payout.
 
I am also struggling with the idea of accepting that I am poly.
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You're not poly. Poly is specifically "consensual non-monogamy". What you're describing is cheating.

Why can something that is wrong make me feel so happy?
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The short version? Because in everything you mentioned you ignored "How Ned feels." You mentioned fear about going against societal norms, your feelings about Tom and Ned, et cetera, but not how Ned would react, not the pain you will cause him by cheating.

Therein lies your answer. It can feel good because you're not giving regard to how Ned will be crushed. You might be aware that it will happen, but your sense of empathy towards it hasn't kicked in.
 
I know what I am doing is not polyamory. But I feel that I would like to live the polyamorous lifestyle. I just don`t know how to transition from cheating to poly.
 
Don't wait. Tell Ned what is happening now. You will never get what you want by lying. Every moment you wait, especially considering that your feelings for Tom are genuine, there is another lie poised to come back and bite you in the ass. Face it. There is nothing else to do if you love and respect yourself and the ones closest to you. It's all going to be hard. Everything is hard. Give yourself a chance in hell and be honest.
 
It is possible to transition from cheating to poly. My husband and I have done so. (He was the one who cheated.) I don't know how long you've been with Tom, but every single day that you continue lying to Ned is going to make it more painful to him when you finally do tell him. So tell him, and do whatever is necessary to rebuild trust and heal the relationship. Do whatever you can to make him feel loved. With us, it's taken months of talking, and a lot of crying, but I feel like we are stronger than we were before. It will be difficult, but so are most things worth doing.
 
Rachelina said:
It is possible to transition from cheating to poly. My husband and I have done so (he was the one who cheated). I don't know how long you've been with Tom, but every single day that you continue lying to Ned is going to make it more painful to him when you finally do tell him. So tell him, and do whatever is necessary to rebuild trust and heal the relationship. Do whatever you can to make him feel loved. With us it's taken months of talking, and a lot of crying, but I feel like we are stronger than we were before. It will be difficult, but so are most things worth doing.
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I 100% agree. Brutal honesty is the way to go. Lies don't do anyone any favors.
 
I suggest that you do a search in the tags and stickies on here under cheating and affairs. It will bring up a lot of really good threads that a lot of us have already been talking on, and might help.

In a nutshell, having read the other posts and agreeing with just about all that is said, I think if I were you I would end your engagement right now, tell him what is going on and brace yourself.

I'd be finding a place to stay, just in case. Make sure you have your finances in order, as you might have to take care of yourself and say good bye to Tom for a bit. Then I'd tell Ned.

You've got some serious work to do, I think. Number one? I think you need to change your attitude. You are mainstream. You are cheating. That is mainstream. Leave the poly thing alone for now. You have a lot more to think about. Building integrity, respect, honest open communication and empathy is what you should be doing, as these are the foundations of poly, at least to me, and I know many others that would agree. You not only have none of these, it seems, you have less than none. That is a lot of work to do.

Poly is, by the closest definition for most, the ability to love more than one in an open and ethical way. You are not even close, so I'd be getting on it.
 
I let him read my post and the responses. He has accepted it, or, at least, is willing to start to learn to accept it.

He said I am a shitty liar and he has known for the last few weeks that I have felt differently about Tom.

Wow. I am the luckiest women alive.
 
redpepper said:
Easy does it, unwitty. It's early days yet.
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True.

However, if these two/three all dance this out most lovingly and honestly, there's a real chance that lead can be transformed into gold.
 
unwitty said:
I let him read my post and the responses. He accepted it, or at least is willing to start to learn on accepting it. He said I am a shitty liar, and he has known for the last few weeks that I have felt differently about Tom. Wow. I am the luckiest women alive.
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Good for you. You have taken the first step. Congratulations and best wishes on your journey.
 
Hi Unwitty. I understand in part where you are coming from, the part about falling in love with someone when you were happy with the one you had, and the confusion about what it says about you, etc. After years of being a poly couple in a relationship with a swinger couple, I can tell you that I felt love for our couple, but it wasn't the head-over-heels kind.

I can have sex with someone without needing to be "in love" with them, or even just love them. So when my best friend asked to have a sexual relationship of sorts with me, we agreed. I never expected to fall in love with him. I certainly handled it poorly, sneaking him over for sex while my husband was away, lying instead of being open about it, all because I didn't know how to deal with being head-over-heels in love with two people at the same time.

It took about 5 hours for my husband to get me to 'fess up that we'd been intimate while he was gone, and has taken the last year and a half to repair the damage done to our trust. (His turn to realize how it feels to be the cheated-on party.) We're still working on things, but I'd have died if I lost him, and I certainly didn't want to leave the husband for our best friend/my now boyfriend.

You need to be honest with yourself, Ned and Tom. Your fiance might not be as awesome as my husband was, but continuing to cheat is NOT the answer, and NOT telling him will only bite you all in the end.
 
I understand where you are. I love Bill with my heart and soul, but thankfully for us I could never lie to him. We were swingers before Josh came into our lives. I was open and honest with Bill from day one about "wanting to do Josh." Bill always said go for it. It was almost a joke, but then it started happening. Josh and I have developed a deep bond, and we are friends. I have spent time alone with him, with Bill's knowledge and consent. This is KILLING Bill, however, and we have had discussion upon discussion about this. BUT I NEVER CONSIDERED LYING to him.

Interestingly enough, Josh does not condone lying either, so neither of us could have had an affair. I can EASILY see how folks do it, but it's so NOT for me.

I'm suffering the pain of trying to get Bill comfortable with having Josh in our lives.

There are FOUR relationships here:
Me and Bill
Bill and Josh
Josh and me
The three of us

This is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I've ever done. Hurting Bill has killed me. But I can't deny who I am, nor do I want to walk away from Josh. Bill, to his credit, is letting me play this out, even as it kills him.

I think I would DIE if I had to lie to Bill. Part of my joy is sharing stuff with him that happens with Josh that makes me happy. None of it is sexual. Josh and I have not consummated our relationship yet.
 
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whatamIdoing said:
I understand where you are.

I love B with my heart and soul, but thankfully for us, I could never lie to him. We were swingers before J came into our life. I was open and honest with B from day one about "wanting to do J," and B always said go for it.

It was almost a joke. But then it started happening. J and I have developed a deep bond, and we are friends, I have spent time alone with him with B's knowledge and consent. This is KILLING B and we have had discussion upon discussion about this, BUT I NEVER CONSIDERED LYING TO him.

Interestingly enough, J does not condone lying either, so for either of us we could NOT have an affair. I can EASILY see how folks do it, but it's so NOT for me.

I'm suffering the pain of trying to get B comfortable with having J in OUR lives, because there are FOUR relationships here.

HURTING B has killed me, but I can't deny who I am, nor do I want to walk away from J. Bill, to his credit, is letting me play this out, even as it kills him.

I think I would DIE if I had to lie to B. Part of my joy is sharing stuff with him that happens with J that makes me happy. None of it is sexual. J and I have not consummated our relationship yet.
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I still don't know where that first day of lying came from. I didn't know I was capable of it. Both of my guys are big on honesty, as I am, which sometimes leads to conversations where we hurt each other, because we're over-analyzing and trying NOT to hurt each other.

All we can ever do is take the leap of faith that those we love will keep loving us for being our true selves, and keep being honest with ourselves and each other.
 
DrunkenPorcupine said:
You're not poly. Poly is specifically "consensual non-monogamy". What you're describing is cheating.
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I disagree. In my opinion, a polyamorous relationship is consensual non-monogamy, yes. However, an individual being polyamorous just means they have the ability to love more than one person at the same time. So cheating doesn't mean you are not polyamorous. It doesn't mean you are, either, as there are plenty of mono cheaters, as well.

I think we need to differentiate between poly as a relationship description and as a love orientation, in the same way a gay person can happen to be in an opposite-sex relationship at some point, for a variety of reasons. His relationship isn't gay, nor is he straight.

Going back to the problem, I'm glad you were honest with him in the end. Good luck with the rest of your journey!
 
Tonberry said:
I disagree. In my opinion, a polyamorous relationship is consensual non-monogamy, yes. However, an individual being polyamorous just mean they have the ability to love more than one person at the same time. So cheating doesn't mean you are not polyamorous. It doesn't mean you are, either, as there are plenty of mono cheaters as well.

I think we need to differentiate between poly as a relationship description and as a love orientation, in the same way a gay person can happen to be in an opposite-sex relationship at some point for a variety of reasons. His relationship isn't gay, nor is he straight.
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Couldn't agree more. :)
 
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