Moving a far away partner into your place

[redpepper]

Time and time again, I read about people here who have hooked up with someone and started a long-distance relationship. They plan to move their new love into their place, parent their kids together and become a unit, a family.

I find this notion simply heartwarming and lovely, and it makes me feel good to hear that people want family in this way. I want family in this way.

However, I have always been of the opinion that moving someone in that is only known from far away, vacations, and mostly online or by other media is not a good idea. I am of the opinion that things need to be taken slowly. That a person should find their own life in a new place, a new job, their own friends, their own independence and pursue their own hobbies BEFORE joining parenting techniques, money-spending habits, household chores, etc. I think it creates co-dependency. I think it makes the job of having a relationship overly strained and it can't be sustained eventually. This, and the dynamics between all the members become too intensified. It seems that the whole thing collapses in on itself.

It makes me sad, but sadder still that what could've worked with some time, patience and getting to know each other becomes a mess of emotions. What is saddest is that sometimes kids are involved. It has made me VERY cautious about moving in with Mono and has made me question what the point of living with anyone is! I think I just want to live alone at some point.

Are we all just too stuck on the whole thing that society says we are eventually supposed to live with the partners we have? Is it a conditioned response? Or nature? Why can't people be married or in a serious relationship and not live together for the rest of their lives? I never wanted to live with my husband and he didn't really see it as necessary to live with me. We ended up doing so because it was cheaper. Is that good enough motivation?

I would love to hear if anyone has experienced this or has experienced something different.

 

[rubyfish]

Even though I knew him for two years beforehand, I'd only started dating my husband three weeks before I moved three thousand miles away from him. With my car packed, in the parking lot of his building, I asked him to move with me. Not exactly the most rational thing I've ever done, but I digress.

He ended up moving in with me a couple of months later. He struggled to find work in a college town where I was in grad school. We struggled to get to know each other and learn to live together all at once. More than once, I felt like it was all too much, too soon and utterly out of my control.

In those early days, we set some bad patterns of codependency, among other things. More than once, those problems have nearly driven us apart. It's only in the past several months that we've really worked through all of that, and honestly, in the last few weeks that I can honestly say things are better than they've ever been.

I want that same dream of a warm and loving poly family as you do. I want so much that I've made myself understand adding anything or anyone to our lives and our loves must be done slowly, because while our relationship makes a cute and romantic story with a happy ending, I wonder how many tears could have been saved if we had gone about it smarter.

 

[ladyjools]

i agree with you completely,

but
for some reason, there is that urge to live together. i'm not sure if its social pressure or if it's nature to nest.

at the moment, i live with montainboy, and i'd say we are pretty successful with the living arrangements, in the sense that if we do argue it's rarely because we live together, or because of anything to do with the house. but it was not easy getting to that point. living together is a HUGE challenge. i think why not spend the time getting to know each other in your own space before starting out on that massive challenge? it's fun and lovely to move in together, but it's also hard work.

but then
there is another part of my brain, a less logical part, that would love R to live with us, but i am sure for now that is not part of the plan. i am enjoying my nights at his and i enjoy his visits. i want to get to know him without that added complication.

jools

 

[GroundedSpirit]

Living together

Hi Redpepper. Yeah, our experience in living together has taught us a lot. It's not easy, at times next to impossible. There's something very intrinsic to human nature to need our own space. Bringing too many people together in close quarters violates that and usually ends up causing problems where, as you suggested, there maybe should not have been. We learned that early on from participation in communal living, and not even in poly loving situations.

On the other hand, there can be many benefits to living closely with other like-minded people, but our basic natures need to be acknowledged.
You may be aware of a maturing philosophy that is becoming more and more common these days. It seems especially more so in Europe than here in the states. It's most commonly referred to as intentional communities. It's a model built from some of the hard early lessons of communes, etc. They are usually built (membership) around some central set of ideas, principals etc. I can see not better application than polyamory for such communities.

They often take pages from organizations similar to condo associations, in that there is some central governing organization that helps run some of the bureaucratic necessities that are desired. These may range from communal meals, food coops, assistance with maintenance and upkeep of central facilities (communal kitchen, recreation areas, school facilities, etc.). But the all-important need for private space is a key element. Each individual or maybe couple has their own place they can retreat to for solitude when desired.

I can see where a similar philosophy could work if a smaller group just had a big house. Multiple bathrooms, media rooms, kitchens, etc.

We'd had live-in triads, for example, and some of the silly stuff that comes up that causes real strains is amazing. Different sleeping patterns/preferences. Media preferences (music, movies, etc.). Hair in the bathroom sink. Silly stuff, but important. K will say that a lot of these things are a much touchier subject with the women than the men. Minor differences between the definition of clean can be all it takes.

Yeppers. Been there, done that. We've said "never again" unless we get a mansion, or were to find the right intentional Community to join, with heavy emphasis on private space.

If you haven't run across this before, check it out. Lots of potential there. We think it may be the future of how most people live, for practical, ecological, etc. reasons. Polyamory would just make it that much more.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I would never take a long distance person and move them in as a lover or equal. But, admittedly, we have a "open-door policy" for anyone who needs a safe place to land. For example, my sister is living here now in the midst of her divorce, but she intends to get a house once her divorce is finalized. We've had families stay here for a few months when trying to recover from a major financial loss. We have had children who stayed with us due to family problems, getting kicked out, etc.

But in every case (well, except my sister), we don't have a "partnership" relationship with these people. It's GREAT to be able to build a family like that, but the reality is it takes time to build relationship and confidence, especially with kids.

 

[preciselove]

A little codependency all round never hurt anyone. For instance, you may have someone in your life that is very good at something, so your skills in that area wane as they take that role. I don't really see what is bad about this, it's optimization and making the group run better, in my opinion. Of course, if someone leaves the group there is going to be pain, but that's life.

I've had someone move in from far away, and while it takes some tweaks early on, we had no problems with it in the long term. Of course I've only dealt with closed relationships, where possibly there is more desire to work at something. When things are open, I'm sure there is a lot of extra stuff to deal with that complicates matters further, and also gives you an easy escape hatch that some humans love.

 

[ray]

I think the best word is interdependent. It's sort of becoming a buzz word. In American society, independence is so highly valued that we forgot, often, that we do need each other and it's not wrong to need other people. But it is a fine line between independence, interdependence and just plain old dependence.

I agree wholeheartedly with Redpepper that moving in is a huge decision, and you should take your time on that one. I've heard of intentional communities. I actually lived in one for a short time. It didn't end up working out so well, as no one had much experience with it and most of the members were very young and immature.

Not to mention our house was like Grand Central Station. I like to have a lot of space and alone time. As much as I often wish I could spend more time with O, I am usually glad that we don't live together. I just spent about 4 days with him, and while it was fun, it was nice to get home. Also I'm a huge slob and he's pretty neat, and I would drive him crazy. When you live with someone and you're in a relationship, and it's having problems, you can't just come home and relax. It's always there. I think at the beginning, it can be nice to have some space while you're figuring lots of stuff out.

 

[Ariakas]

I would agree with the PO. Albeit and old post. When I moved out west to be with Pengrah I didn't live with her for 6 months. I am not a fan of relying on the relationship to hold me up while I move. It creates undue pressure and possible resentment. Stand on your own first, in the new location. Do I think its possible? yes. Anything is. But it would make things harder.

 

[preciselove]

I think the best word is interdependent. It's sort of becoming a buzz word.

Yes, I was looking for a word, so settled with a little codependent, but interdependence sounds like a good one. Codependence, whilst it sounds like it could be positive, the definitions suggest a completely negative thing in every case.

Interdependent hasn't been ruined yet, though, so I will use that one.

 

[Somegeezer]

I agree that I would not think moving them in as equals would be a good idea straight away. But living together in general, I don't see as much of a problem. I'd let them move in to start, just because of the cheaper bills for me (not that I actually have any right now). But then begin really moving forward on the relationship from there. Knowing someone long distance is certainly different to having them live with you, so you have to start learning these new things about your partner. But I think it is easier and a lot faster to learn those things straight in, rather than having them live over the road or at the other side of the city or something. It's more like a midpoint between long distance and living together. You'll see them slightly more (depending exactly how much closer they live), but you're not getting the whole experience.

I also want to end up living with my partner/s forever. I feel it is important. There's a good feeling I get when I know I'm coming home to someone I love, rather than my family.

But I know there are people who love to be independent and have their own place they handle on their own. I wouldn't argue with it. But I'd never get the same closeness as if they lived with me.