How do I tell her?

[EpsilonLyr]

Hello, and thanks for reading/replying.

A few days ago, I didn't even know what polyamory was, but I already have a lot of respect and admiration for those of you who have nurtured such complex, beautiful, and at times stressful relationships as those I've read about here. I was hoping to share my dilemma with you. It may not be unusual, but it's been giving me hell.

The story:

My wife (let's call her Sofia) and I have been together for six years, married for two. We took it slow, lived together, talked things out. We are very compatible. People around us believe we are exquisitely happy together. In truth, we are... most of the time.

But twice now, another woman has walked into my life and spun my world out of control. I'm not talking about lust. It's something much deeper than that. I have feelings for these women. They are special to me. I still think about them fondly today, even though nothing ever happened between us. I never cheated or even tried to go out with these girls. It's just a lot of guilt and frustration that I never tell Sofia about. I just swept it under the rug and all is supposedly forgotten.

Fast forward to last November:

It happened again, for the third time. When I met this woman, Emily, the sparks were flying right away. It was completely unexpected! I didn't go after her, it just... happened.

Emily feels different from the others. It's not just some infatuation for me. And I am certain she feels the same, though it must be confusing for her to be interested in a married man. I see Emily for two precious hours every Monday at work and I am in heaven. We talk and talk. I can just feel the connection between us. Honestly, I couldn't escape this even if I wanted to (which I don't). I look forward to those precious few hours all week. I believe I am falling for her.

All last month, I was miserable. I questioned my marriage, wondered about divorce. How could I keep doing this to myself? Finally I shared it all with a good friend. He had helped me last time. I cursed monogamy, asking why people can't share their love and why we have to force ourselves into these restrictive social contracts that so often don't work! And he said, "I wonder if you're polyamorous." To which I replied, "Poly-what?"

It was an awakening. I've done a good bit of research in the last few days and it led me here. I am confused. I believe I'm in love with two women. I think of Emily all day and dream of her at night, wishing that I could just act on the feelings we have share... and in the morning I want to reach out and touch Sofia, but I hold back because of the guilt I've been programmed to feel for having "non-monogamous" thoughts. It is damaging an otherwise happy marriage. If only I could openly share my love with both of them, I would be happy. But I am afraid that neither would understand or be willing to entertain the possibility.

What do you think?

 

[redpepper]

Yes, it sounds like you might be polyamorous. Congrats on starting the journey.

I would suggest looking into it, because it's come up over and over again, and not because of the woman you see once a week. You seem lost in "NRE" (new relationship energy), and what *could be* at the moment. I think it's wise to get your ducks in a row before going down that path, for the sake of your marriage to Sofia, and for Emily.

First off, there is the task of telling Sofia. That could put a damper on your feel-good situation with Emily for awhile. Depending on what Sofia is like, she could become very concerned and emotional. Make sure you are ready for that.

Some sources of info and some knowledge behind you might help, at least in building your confidence that you are okay. Why not start there and give it some time? Or you could tell Sofia right away, and do the work together. It depends on how the two of you operate together.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

I believe I'm in love with two women. I think of Emily all day and dream of her at night, wishing that I could just act on the feelings we have share. In the morning I want to reach out and touch Sofia, but I hold back because of the guilt I've been programmed to feel for having "non-monogamous" thoughts. It is damaging an otherwise happy marriage. If only I could openly share my love with both of them, I would be happy. But I am afraid that neither would understand or be willing to entertain the possibility. What do you think?

I think you are definitely infatuated and fantasizing like crazy. Happens all the time to a lot of us. It may well be that you do see/feel the call to being polyamorous. In so many aspects it just makes sense and feels right/normal.

But time out for a reality check.

We do feel this connection to people at times, and when we do it's a message that something is there for us. But it's not always love. It can be many things, including growth and wisdom, and there can be some potential there. Despite the obvious attraction and bells going off, you probably know very few intimate details of Emily's life, her views on many things, her history, etc. All that has to come out before you can determine whether she is the type of person you'd respect and actually love.

As to her or Sofia not knowing about or understanding polyamory, you're likely correct. And either or both of their reactions could be... sketchy New concepts that break cultural rules usually are. But that is something you can do something about. From what you've explained about your views and feelings, I think it's time for that cat to come out of the bag. Does it mean anything will progress with this particular person? Hard to say. But if this feels right to you, it's going to keep surfacing in your life until you deal with it. Maybe now is the time to start.

You might open the discussion (along with supporting resources such as books, online materials such as this forum, etc.) with Sofia by explaining, much like you did here. Explain the connections in the past and that you had passed up potential opportunities because of your commitment to her, your marriage and cultural values, but that it always bothered you, and you questioned why it had to be that way, because it doesn't feel natural to you.

I wouldn't bring up Emily just yet. That could be intimidating and sabotage the discussion/education process. I'd wait until sufficient information was out there and openly discussed.

If, after some reasonable discussion, it's apparent that Sofia is rigid in her views, you will be in a position to make some hard decisions. But explore first, before you assume. Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

[EpsilonLyr]

I would suggest looking into this, because it's come up over and over again, not because of the woman you see once a week. You seem lost in "NRE"... and what could be. I think it wise to get your ducks in a row before going down that path, for the sake of your marriage, Sofia and Emily.

First off, there is the task of telling Sofia. That could put a damper on your feel-good situation with Emily for awhile. Depending on what Sofia is like, she could become very concerned and emotional. Make sure you are ready for that.

A heavy case of NRE? I can believe that.

Yes, telling Sofia is going to be the hardest part... opening up and telling her. Hmm...

My natural impulse is to sit and internalize it all, rather than share what I know she doesn't want to hear. But you are right. I can't keep doing this. I've ignored this pattern in my life since I was 15 and it ain't healthy. I'm excited to change that, if I can.

More to say later, but must go to work. Thanks!

 

[sage]

Hi,

Check out my blog, www.polyamorouspeople.com. I started it up for my mono self to cope with a partner who is polyamorous. I found that there are lots of people out there that need help meshing polyamory and monogamy. Sometime forums can be daunting for "the stunned" (people whose partners inform them they're polyamorous). My blog seems to help, especially the early posts when I was also struggling.

Good luck. It's a process, but it can work.

 

[polycouple]

I know this sounds trite, but it has rung true in many instances in my life; sometimes the more afraid I am to do something, the more I know I need to do it. Telling Sofia might be difficult. It may even have devastating consequences. But telling her is the first step towards you leading a more authentic life.

 

[greeneyes]

one n00b to another

Helloo there. I know that I'm just sort of dipping my toe in the water with all this stuff, and most of y'all have a lot more experience here, but I have to say that I would ask first how the dynamics in the current relationship are, before advising.

I think that honesty is definitely the best policy. As someone with a partner who's recently sort of been at the helm of our relationship going in a non-monogamous direction, I would want to know if there were any immediate interests in other partners, if this were an influencing factor on my relationships foundations being "rocked," as it were. Some folks might not feel that this is actually what happens when a person "comes out" as poly, but I think it might be a common feeling for folks who had their mind sort of "set" on a monogamous relationship and then that changes relatively suddenly.

I would definitely want to know if any actions were being planned. I think if my partner were to leave things out (deliberately) I would feel like I was being deceived. If she tells me up front, it will possibly hurt, but at the same time, it 1. gets the hardest part out of the way more quickly, and 2. it would let me make a fully-informed decision about what kind of actions I want to take going forward to prepare/acclimate myself to what is going on.

I think you might have said this, but I did want to ask: does Sofia know anything about non-monogamy? Is she the type that gets jealous easily, or is easily hurt if she feels she has to "share" you? These things may color your approach. But even if she is this type of person, I would be thoroughly honest, regardless, to be fair to her. I don't think you would want her to "hide" things from you, right?

I think, and I hope I'm not off base in saying this (because I am a n00b in this world), that if there's a chance you want to proceed, and come out as poly in a healthy way, with informed and enthusiastic consent on all sides, then slowing waaay down might be a good idea.

 

[EpsilonLyr]

Time out for a reality check. We do feel this connection to people at times, and when we do it's a message that something is there for us. But it's not always love. It can be many things, including growth and wisdom. There can be some potential there.

Hmm... can you expand on this thought? Are you referring to this becoming a friendship between me and Emily? I could easily see that happening; it would be the least intrusive option, though I'm sure the temptation would still be there. Honestly, I have not tried to make female friends since I met Sofia. That would be interesting.

From what you've explained about your views and feelings, I think it's time for that cat to come out of the bag. Does it mean anything will progress with Emily? Hard to say. But if this feels right to you, it's going to keep surfacing in your life until you deal with it. Maybe now is the time to start.

You have a point there. I guess, at this point, I don't believe there could be anything between myself and Emily. What are the odds that I plucked another poly-curious person out of the air just as I was discovering it myself? I couldn't really expect either Sofia or me to be ready for something like this anytime soon.

At the very least, it has gotten me thinking.

 

[preciselove]

What you describe with these other women I'm sure nearly every man has felt at some stage whilst in a committed monagamous relationship. So you're not special in that regard. It's simply that most mono people do nothing about it (or cheat), because that's how we are raised.

The best way to start educating Sofia, imo, is to watch movies with her that have these concepts in them. Start with Summer Lovers, then move to Vicky Christina Barcelona. See how she reacts to them. Then maybe watch a few documentaries containing the concepts. I wouldn't tell her yet that you've had this "great idea" until she is familiar with the concepts. Easier that way. Converting a mono woman could take a year or two before she is fully educated on it and able to participate.

 

[angeleyes]

Converting a mono woman could take a year or two before she is fully educated on it and able to participate.

Wow. I know I sure wouldn't want some man thinking he was going to "fully educate" me so that I could be "converted," which I guess is why I stick with wimmin.

My thoughts are more along the lines of my partner, greeneyes, although I'll also mention that I'm a little disturbed by her describing me as "at the helm." We did come to a point in the discussion where I felt I did have to say, "Look, you don't own me, my body, or my sexuality." But there are some mitigating factors here. First, we are Anarchists, so strongly against "ownership" in a general sense, not just when we want to get our rocks off. Secondly, declaring my sovereignty did not mean I immediately went to work on exploring what that meant with other people. Just because I have a right to do something does not mean that I stop caring about how my every decision (sexual or not) affects the person who is most important in this world to me.

Maybe before worrying so much about "educating" this womon to whom you are married, an alternative would be to explore *together* what it means to live life in a more natural sense, rather than defaulting to the culture of mainstream society (which seems to be disintegrating, anyway). Be willing to have an open mind *yourself*, and I think you'll be more likely to encourage that kind of thinking. Look into what it meant to live in pre-agrarian foraging society. Eventually y'all will make your way to some of that Sex at Dawn stuff that's over on another thread.

I hope that helps.

 

[preciselove]

Wow. I know I sure wouldn't want some man thinking he was going to "fully educate" me so that I could be "converted," which I guess is why I stick with wimmin.

What's wrong with raising the veil of ignorance? There's nothing inherently wrong in my mind with growing into something better. But to each their own.

Maybe before worrying so much about "educating" this womon to whom you are married, an alternative would be to explore *together* what it means to live life in a more natural sense, rather than defaulting to the culture of mainstream society (which seems to be disintegrating, anyway). Be willing to have an open mind *yourself*, and I think you'll be more likely to encourage that kind of thinking. Look into what it meant to live in pre-agrarian foraging society. Eventually y'all will make your way to some of that Sex at Dawn stuff that's over on another thread.

Sounds interesting. I'm somewhat similar to you in thoughts about society. Though, of course, in a real anarchist society you'd need some front man gorilla to protect you, as women typically are physically weaker than men and don't present much of a threat deterrence. Without some form of protection service, many weaker people would be taken advantage of. But I'm sure you know this and have it all worked out. You just have to convert a man through education.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Watch movies with her that have these concepts in them.

I think this is a very practical and cautious way of bringing up the idea. Don't let your enthusiasm blind you to the potentially huge impact this could have... maybe positive, maybe not. Some questions cannot be un-asked.

 

[angeleyes]

What's wrong with raising the veil of ignorance?

There is nothing wrong with "raising the veil of ignorance." I can raise my veil, and I trust you and everyone else can raise their own veils. When someone else decides to touch my veil, it angers me, because I consider it presumptuous.

Here, you've asked a question, and so I've answered. If people want to share thoughts, experiences, and personal opinions, that's always appreciated. I may hear how someone else lifted their own veil and decide to do the same, or I may decide that I'd rather lift my veil differently. The issue for me is in the presumption that someone else knows better than I do what it is that I need... which is why I'll trust that you can figure out anything wrong about your presumptions about "real anarchism," preciselove.

 

[onivel]

How to tell her

This is my first message on this board, My wife *T* and I have been lurking and reading for a couple of months. This may belong more in the Introductions section, but, for what it's worth, I find your situation very similar to my own. I've been married for 15+ years to a wonderful woman. Our marriage was and is still rock solid. For over 17 years we have both been monogamous and faithful to each other without any desire to find someone else.

Then *J* came into my life. Ironically, it was *T* who introduced us over a year ago. During the ensuing year I became friends with *J* and as time passed, more and more attracted to her. I thought the feeling was mutual.

Early last December, it finally reached a point that I could no longer just ignore my attraction to *J.* For a few days, I tore myself up inside to the point of making myself sick. Luckily, *T* and I have multiple friends who are poly. After a long talk with one of them, and spending time reading this board, I 'manned up' and told *T* of my feelings for *J*. Then I asked her to consider opening our marriage, and allowing me to tell *J* of my feelings for her.

This was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I was very afraid of the damage I was going to do to my marriage, and the amount of hurt that I was going to inflict on *T* in the process. She had a pretty understandable reaction: shock, hurt, fear, jealousy, anger, you name it. But she was also understanding and relieved that I trusted her enough to tell her of my feelings. There was some comfort in that I trusted her enough to tell her, rather than cheating on her. After a couple of weeks of talking and soul-searching, she gave me her permission to tell *J* and see where it led. Unfortunately, I had misread *J*. She didn't feel the same way. Looking back, this was probably for the best.

At this point in time, *T* and I have taken a step back and are very slowly and deliberately examining the possibility of opening our marriage. This time, we're not working under an imminent threat. Nothing has been decided. We're reading these boards and the recommended links, information, and books. We're lucky enough to have a number of close friends in active poly relationships who are willing to share their experiences, and coach us, if necessary.

I would very much like to explore polyamory. *T* doesn't have any real desire to do so herself. She can't see finding a partner for herself. But she is willing to try to understand this change in me. She's doing some serious soul-searching to see if she can accept this. We have started discussing what we would be comfortable with, and how things could work if we decided to open up.

How long will this take? Dunno. As long as it takes.

The above is fairly long winded, but having been in very similar shoes, I offer the following bits of advice. Most of it is a rehash of wisdom that you can find all over this board, but it's definitely worth repeating.

-- Do not cheat on Sofia. Even if she doesn't like the idea of non-monogamy at all, trust me, she'd much rather hear that you have an attraction to another woman than find out afterwards that you have actually had an affair. Your odds of a good outcome are much better if you're honest with her and don't destroy her trust in you.
-- Be prepared to reassure her that it's nothing that she's done (or not done). It isn't that you don't love her any more or any less. You aren't trying to replace her, and in fact, she can't be replaced. And I don't mean once. Continually.
-- Be honest and open. This is a recording.
-- Be prepared to date her again. Come to think of it, you should regularly date your wife, regardless of whether she's willing to consider non-monogamy or not.
-- Be prepared to be fully open and communicate with her on a level that you've rarely (if ever) done before. I can attest to this. Whether *T* and I ever reach the point of opening our marriage, our relationship is actually much stronger that it was before. We are closer and have talked more in the last seven weeks than we have in the previous seven years. I won't get too graphic, but our sex life has also dramatically improved as well. All of this is a GOOD THING (tm).
-- If Sofia is willing to at least consider the idea of opening your marriage, be prepared for this journey to take a lot of time and effort on both your parts. Your biggest temptation will be to rush and "push" her. Even knowing that this is not a good thing, I've fallen into this trap a few times. *T* and I are still in the middle of this process. We have our good days and our not-so-good days.
-- Understand that as hard as it was for you to even tell her of your feelings for other women, and then broach the subject of non-monogamy, it's going to be even harder for her to process. Be understanding, sympathetic and patient. Reread this point ten more times; I'll wait until you're done.
-- Read this board, learn from others here, follow their good advice.
-- If Sofia is interested, show her this board. Read it with her.
-- Read Sage's blog -- www.polyamorouspeople.com. It's been incredibly helpful to a lot of people, including my wife and me. Also, get her ebook. (Sage, a kickback would be appreciated here.... )
-- Take Redpepper's and Sage's advice to heart. They know what they're talking about. I know that I'm forgetting to mention at least a dozen others by name here, but you'll find out very quickly who they are...
-- Open, by Jenny Block and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino are excellent books. *T* is currently reading Open and will be reading Opening Up as soon as I have finished it.

There are probably a hundred things more that I've learned but am forgetting to mention here. Good luck. And yes, it is worth it.

 

[EpsilonLyr]

I think you might have said this, but I did want to ask... does Sofia know that anything about non-monogamy? Is she the type that gets jealous easily, or is easily hurt if she feels she has to share you? Those things may color your approach. But even if she were this type of person, I would be thoroughly honest regardless, to be fair to her. I don't think you would want her to hide things from you, right?

Nope, she is pretty traditional in terms of "one SO at a time," rather than sharing a person with someone else. Also I can easily describe her as competitive by nature, which isn't a huge leap from jealousy. I have never tested this jealousy, having basically no close female friends in the city we live in. So I imagine she is going to have trouble understanding all this.

On the plus side, we sort out our differences pretty well, as long as everyone is in the mood to talk calmly. I am certain I will tell her, but it is going to have to wait a bit due to some other issues she is dealing with right now. I certainly can't expect a good outcome by bombarding her when she's already stressed! Thanks for your input.

 

[EpsilonLyr]

Status Update (P.S. I'm a moron)

First, thanks to all.

Onivel, I can really see the similarities between our situations, all the way down to the fact that your *J* was the catalyst for change, and yet she didn't pan out as an intimate relationship. Well, mine probably won't, either. I certainly would welcome Sofia exploring this if she felt compelled to explore poly, too. It's only fair to give her the freedom I would seek, and yet I am sure she wouldn't. So we are in the same boat, and I take your suggestions to heart.

Well, it was a long three day weekend for Sofia and me, very therapeutic. I couldn't get on here and share my thoughts and questions at the time, for obvious reasons. But it was a strange and amazing thing. Just absorbing these poly concepts and encouragement has lifted a lot of guilt off my shoulders. I was able to just relax and enjoy being with her. Why? Because it was okay to have feelings for more than one person without utter self loathing. Not that I suddenly thought either of us could function in a complicated mono-poly/poly-poly/whatever relationship, magically, tomorrow. But at least I am encouraged to be honest without guilt. It's not evil. It's not 'mental cheating,' as people have started calling it. How insane! They presume to restrict our very thoughts now?

So what's next? I am exhilarated, but nervous to say anything, to say the wrong thing, to hurt her... all of it!

But there's another problem. A big reason why I should be hesitant to tell: because we all work together. I'm an idiot, and failed to point that out when I started this thread. It changes things a bit, does it not? It wasn't intentional. I was trimming down my first post (can you believe it was longer?), and took it out. But there it is. So even if I try to tell Sofia about my situation, I risk all manner of wrath, awkwardness, and confusion being misdirected at this poor woman who doesn't deserve it, when really it should be reserved for me. The three of us are working in the same place for at least another six months. I hate to drag her into this.

But ultimately, it doesn't change what I have to do. It just affects how I do it. I'll keep doing my homework here and elsewhere (Sage's blog) in the meantime.

 

[redpepper]

Personally, I wouldn't tell Sofia about Emily. I would work on the poly stuff first, and keep Emily at bay. Let the six months ride out and see where you are when it's over. Quite often, these things dwindle and then there was no reason to cause drama. I would just let it go for now, at the very least. I am glad you are excited and NREing on polyamory. But take it for what it is and see where it goes with Sofia. Emily was the catalyst, but not necessarily the second woman of your dreams. Why complicate it? In six months, if you still feel for her, then maybe its time. By then you will have learned some stuff and be more settled about what this poly shit means to you.

 

[angeleyes]

It's funny, last night my partner was asking about a sexual relationship from my past from before my gender transition (when I was living as a man, rather than as a womon). I hadn't talked or even thought much about it in a while, but it was probably my most significant experience in terms of exploring an ongoing relationship with more than a couplehood.

So like you, I was the "husband" at the time, and then there was the womon I was married to at the time, and the womon we were both dating. My partner and I were discussing last night what had gone wrong and how the relationship had ultimately fallen apart. Part of it was circumstance, but there was also jealousy. My conclusion (some ten years now after the fact) is that I played a significant, yet unrecognized role in destroying everything by my attempts to "manage the situation."

Raised as a middle class, white "male" in the culture of American suburbia, I was so entrenched in a culture that was conditioning me from birth to "manage" and "administer" the world around me that it was a condition I was completely oblivious to. In other words, what is the ocean to a fish who has never been out of it? Having recognized the condition, I can't even say that I try to avoid it, since that would almost be a kind of management in and of itself. I just recognize management for how I see it: authoritarian.

I won't have to live with the decisions you make, so I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do. I'm just going to say that I trust you can figure it out, if you let go of your ideas of "should" and focus more on observing what "is." I don't try to work out long-term strategies any more; I don't scheme; I don't try to say everything perfectly; I let myself fuck up; I let myself apologize for fucking up; I let people see me as human; I let people see me as they need to. In short, I don't seek to interject myself into the situation. I let things "work themselves out," although I also recognize I am one of those things working itself out.

Life is complicated, and sex is a very complicated aspect of life. The more I try to "figure it all out" consciously, as if there are 5 steps or 12 steps or 11,342 steps that can be written down and committed to memory, the further I get from "truth." Learn from these wimmin and develop your *respect* for them (and their intuition). Love will follow the respect, and then feelings of love will lead to acts of love.

I'm sorry to sound all Deepak Chopra, but if you just get your idea of how things "should" work out of the way, you may find that what needs to happen will come much easier.

As an example, if the opportunity to present itself comes up in conversation (it finds you, not the other way around), you could try just saying something to your significant other such as, "Sweetheart, you know I would never be unfaithful to you. But you know Emily from work? I really think she's awesome. I wanted to say something to you, because I hope that's okay, and I wouldn't want the two of us to be too friendly and then you either had to wonder or else have your feelings hurt."

 

[EpsilonLyr]

I'm sorry to sound all Deepak Chopra, but if you just get your idea of how things "should" work out of the way, you may find that what needs to happen will come much easier.
As an example, if the opportunity to present itself comes up in conversation (it finds you, not the other way around), you could try just saying something to your significant other such as, "Sweetheart, you know I would never be unfaithful to you, but you know Emily from work? I really think she's awesome. I wanted to say something, because I hope that's okay, and I wouldn't want the two of us to be too friendly, and then you either had to wonder or else have your feelings hurt."

Very thought provoking post. I've been mulling over it for a few days. You've taken bold steps to take 'control' of your life. Okay, bad choice of words, but I couldn't help myself! And that's admirable. I agree with you on the overall point: I am, as you once were, very much entrenched in this society's norms. It's hard not to be, isn't it? And I'm surrounded by others who are either happy with this lifestyle, or pretending to be. The same fear that keeps me from being honest is working its collective power on everyone else too.

I remember a sociology teacher using the term sanctioning. Society will tend to its proverbial garden with a trim here, a prune there, and everything just looks so nice and proper, doesn't it? "Oh, and never mind the weeds. We'll take care of them soon enough." Must be why so many people are forced to keep such secrets, I guess.

So we seek to control our environment all the more when we feel out of control, as I increasingly do on various fronts in my life. This is just one. Am I doing the right thing? If I could wholeheartedly take your advice, that question would be irrelevant. It wouldn't be about right or wrong. It just is, and I either do something about it, or not. I have to believe that opening up to her will ultimately strengthen us. Ultimately I am persisting in this for my own well-being.

I should clarify that I'm not going to say, "Hey, guess what, I want to be with this other person and you at the same time." But I'm sure you knew I wouldn't be that direct. I'd be more inclined to lead into it the way you described, though I have reservations about revealing any affections for someone else yet. At any rate, Sofia deserves to know what has been burning inside me, regardless of whether she will like it. Of course, it's all easier said than done, but the seed is germinating.

And I get that a lot of people will conclude that I'm moving pretty fast with all this, which is probably true.

 

[greeneyes]

Here's my problem with the whole "tell her bit by bit," "only give her so much information," "don't tell her anything until...?" approach: I believe it puts the person from whom you're withholding the information into a non-consensual position.

She didn't decide to be with a person who couldn't simply be happy with her. She needs to know what is going on so that she can make informed decisions about her own life. I understand that these kinds of things often develop over time, and that one doesn't always know in uncertain terms what is going on, but honestly the FIRST time you had feelings for another person you really should have talked to her.

What is going on, until some sunlight disinfects the situation, is a power-play. You want to control the flow of information in the relationship so that you may experience the best outcome. Your partner right now doesn't have an opportunity to look at the all the facts, and decide for herself what is best for her.

I'm not trying to shine a bad light on you. You sound truly perplexed yourself. I wish I had known a lot sooner what the whole truth of my situation was. I don't know that I would have made any different decisions, but the opportunity to do that would have been there. Now, I have built a history with a woman I love dearly, and I have been put into a tight spot I didn't decide to be in. I don't think my partner was tricking me or trying to deceive. She just left out information that she thought I would find unpleasant.

Now, in my case, I am not leaving, because I see that my partner has been sacrificing expressing her desires in her own way and she has done that so that I would not be hurt. I feel like I have to at least try and face some of my own fears before I can say I want to go it alone. I don't know how it will turn out. I have been thinking all night.

I'm sorry if this is untimely and you have already resolved your issue. I have just been chewing on the best way to word my thoughts. You will have to put some trust into your partner and let her have the space to make her own decisions eventually. It is in better faith to be up-front than it is to try and "groom" her to accept what it is that you want, or to drop hints. One of these days, it is very likely that you will have lamented and thrashed about and you will act on one of these love interests- and she will not only be within her rights to terminate the relationship at that point, she will have a very valid reason to never trust you again.

If you are honest, and you speak to her before anything else happens, she might have more trust in you than you ever imagined. (Then again she might not. But in this case, it's my opinion that you are the one who has the burden of taking a "leap of faith.")