In a relationship with a polyamorous woman, need some input.

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polymono

New member
Hi All,

I'm in my early thirties. I'm dating a woman, 29, who is polyamorous. We've been together for a bit longer than 6 months. Early in the relationship, during our 3rd date, she told me she was inclined to polyamory. At that time she'd been seeing another guy for some time already. As our relationship evolved, we got closer together and we are in love now. We've been together on a long holiday. That's when we really grew closer to each other, and we had amazing times.

Myself, right now, I don't think I'm polyamorous. I didn't really know what it involved when we started dating each other. I had some idea, but didn't really think of the emotional consequences, as I was just happy to getting to know her and to be with her. I got somewhat interested in the subject, and started reading the famous book, The Ethical Slut.

She knows my difficulties with the polyamorous thing, but I want to make an effort towards it. After we came back from our holiday, we were separated for some weeks, as she had some work obligations in another city. Before leaving each other, we made an agreement, we wouldn't do anything that could possibly hurt each other. If anything came up regarding polyamorous relationships on either side, we would talk to each other first.

While she was in that other city, she told me she got close to another guy and they kissed. Afterwards, she called me to tell me about it. I'd hoped the polyamorous thing was somehow behind her, as we were really close and we had some plans to move in together after she would be back. So when she told me that she kissed, I felt betrayed because of our agreement. Her reason for telling me was because of our agreement. She wanted to let me know that something more might eventually happen with that guy.

Picturing her getting close to him, saying things to him she told me too, being very intimate with him, is very painful right now. Today, I'm wondering if I should go on with our relationship. It hurts when I think of breaking up with her, but my fear is that I might get hurt more if I go on in the relationship. As I said, I want to make an effort towards polyamory, but I feel I need to do it carefully, take my time, and get support from her.

As you might expect, I have a lot of questions regarding polyamory nowadays. When I think about the idea, it really makes sense to me. I believe it is possible to be in love with different persons. I myself, have attractions for other girls when I am in relationships. I think it's natural. Those attractions have been emotional and sexual. But when I'm in a deep relationship with someone, I don't need to give those attractions a follow-up, as I find it strengthens that special bond I have with that one particular person. Also, I don't have the feeling that something is missing in my life or the relationship.

By posting on this forum, I hope I might get some different input, ideas. How do other polyamorous and non-poly persons handle this? What are their experiences on the subject? Am I definitely not polyamorous, or is it possible to evolve towards it?

Thanks for taking your time to read this. I tried to be as clear as possible about how I feel and what I think. If some parts do need some more clarification, please do ask.

Cheers!
 
Not pretending to be a great guru of polyamory myself, but I think part of the difficulty might be that you and gf are still very new to your relationship, and are more or less still in love, or in NRE. I take it you are somewhat long-distance?
 
Do a term search here for "poly/mono." You might have to play around with the terms a bit. I'm technophobic so I'm not much use, but I know they're there. If you go a way back in General Discussions you'll find "The Struggling Mono thread."

If you want to go off the forum for support, I write a blog (link in signature). Check out the earlier threads, when I was struggling with poly/mono.

You ask: are you definitely not polyamorous, and can you evolve towards it? These are good questions to be asking, but I don't think you can really know, at this stage.

Many of us (me included), try out polyamory just because we are in a relationship with a polyamorous person. We think it will make it easier, but in my experience and observation of others, it doesn't. I think you first have to work through all the emotions that you're currently going through before it will really become clear whether you could "evolve into polyamory." I don't think "evolve" is a very good word, because it puts polyamory on a higher level than monogamy, and I don't agree that it is, necessarily.

I started out monogamous, and have moved to what I call being "poly-friendly." For me, that means that while I'm open to it, I'm not at all looking, and I'm very content with my relationship as it is. My partner has another love.

Read, participate in the forum and ask specific questions, you'll get plenty of support.

This will be a challenging time, but if you open your heart and your mind, also a very rewarding one.
 
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Hey Polymono,

I was just in a similar situation. I felt like things were not how I actually wanted, and it was painful to be in the relationship, but just as painful to think about breaking up.

Try to get a general sense of how things are going, that is, the way in which you communicate and develop as a couple. Is this difficult time just from the natural ups and downs of a relationship, or is there some fundamental personality trait that is going to be causing friction for a very long time?

If you can look at things like that, maybe you can get a better idea of whether this is something you want to work through, or if you'd rather work on getting over this love you have. Just see if you can spot a light at the end of the tunnel, or if you'll be going down a very rough and painful path.
 
I am in the best relationship I have ever been in. My friend feels the same way. We are in a spiritual partnership, where transcending the issues of the human condition are a large part of us being together.

We have just started discussing this poly phenomenon, because I have always been poly, but didn't know the word. I just never could understand the feelings I was having throughout all my other relationships. Now that I have something I can wrap my mind around, such as a word, I can explain what my heart is all about to her.

So this is kind of new to us. I'm not in a poly relationship at the time, just a mono with her, but I know I will go poly eventually, and hope that she will learn and grow with me through it. I don't expect her to go poly, but hope she will accept me as such. I believe she will.
 
Plenty to consider

When looking at this, there is a broad spectrum of considerations that may not have been looked at. What do you want out of a long-term relationship down the road? Can she fulfill that? Let's say you fall madly in love with her and want to get married and have kids. How will you feel about introducing her to your parents and friends? Are you prepared for that possibility? There are a lot of external factors that will come into play when you invest deeper. I'm not trying to be negative, just trying to get you to look further down the road at other issues which may take the forefront when NRE wears off.

Mono-poly can work, and can be wonderful, but I recommend you really look at your needs in the future as a couple before investing more of yourselves.
 
Well, you are not alone here. It's a good idea to do some reading on here. It seems you haven't yet. Keeping to the "New to Poly" forum will indicate in a short time that there are many that have gone before you. The suggestion of doing a tag search is a good one-- "mono poly" "monopoly," "mono/poly," "polymono," are all good terms to search. If you go to the tool bar and press search you will find the tag search option. A cloud of tags will come up. You can pick from that, or think of your own tag ideas... if you read a tagged thread you will see the other tags at the bottom of the thread. You might get some ideas from those on what would be useful to you.

As to the bond that you have with this woman, that is a lovely thing, and to be cherished. She might feel bonded in the same way to you, or she might just enjoy it in the moments she has with you as attention she gets. I don't know. It could go either way. I have a non-sexual boyfriend that gives me a lot of attention and I enjoy it. I love him for it, even. The bond I have with him is not as strong as the one I have with my other men, though. The bond I have with them is huge. It has been important to me to see the difference and acknowledge that, accept it. My bond with my gf Derby is different again, yet similar. Different people, different bonds and levels of connection and commitment into the future.

I think your best bet is to be open to her love, yet be wary. It has not been a long time. You likely are still riding on your NRE for her. Enjoy that while it lasts, but put the future into perspective. Do you want a girlfriend that has other lovers, really? Or do you want someone that is going to commit to building a life of love and family with just you? Is she able and willing to do this with you? Would she require doing this with others too? Or is she content to be on her own and have lots of lovers?

There are huge differences in how people do their poly. It sounds like all of that is to be discovered and discussed at some point.

Right now, though, I think I would just enjoy her. Later, when things have settled into a dull routine of work, dates, housework, holiday obligations blah blah blah... you will see what the path to the future is. It's when the mundane aspects of life become evident, more than the relationship, that real growth to the future happens, in my experience.
 
kreeativ said:
I am in the best relationship I have ever been in. My friend feels the same way. We are in a spiritual partnership, where transcending the issues of the human condition are a large part of us being together.
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Hi kreeativ,

Not trying to be negative, but how does one go about "transcending the issues of human condition"? In my experience, SOMEONE in a relationship has to cook the dinner, go to work and do the shopping. ;)
 
I'm talking about deeper issues than the daily grind of things. I'm talking about the ego and all its little tricks that contribute to our suffering as human beings.
 
kreeativ said:
I'm talking about deeper issues than the daily grind of things... the ego and all its little tricks that contribute to our suffering as human beings.
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We strive for the answers to all that bollocks too, in between the shopping and cooking the dinner. :rolleyes: haha
 
BlackUnicorn said:
Not pretending to be a great guru of polyamory myself, but I think part of the difficulty might be that you and gf are still very new to your relationship, and are more or less still in love, or in NRE. I take it you are somewhat long-distance?
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Hi, BlackUnicorn. Thanks for your reply.

NRE = new relationship energy, right? I guess so, yes. The relation is somewhat new, a bit more than half a year. Indeed, right now, we are far away from each other. I don't really understand what you mean with part of the difficulty related to new relationship and more or less in love. How is it that this is part of the difficulty? Can you elaborate? Thanks!
 
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sage said:
You ask: are you definitely not polyamorous, and can you evolve toward it? These are good questions to be asking. I don't think you can really know at this stage.
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Why do you think that, sage? I know there is probably a process I have to go through. It has probably already started. Do you mean that it is too early? My girlfriend wasn't polyamorous before, and for her the transition was quite easy.
 
polymono said:
My girlfriend wasn't polyamorous before. For her the transition was quite easy.
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How many people don't realize they are gay until later in life? Just because she didn't have multiple relationships before doesn't mean she wasn't polyamorous. This might just be the first time it has become manifested because she has actually connected with more than one person.

Her transition looked easy probably because of one main thing. She wants it.
 
polymono said:
I dont really understand what you mean with part of the difficulty related to new relationship and more or less in love. How is that part of the difficulty?
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In my understanding (and experience) of New Relationship Energy, there is a strong tendency of 'not being able to get enough of your partner'. When you are not with them, you want to get a text from them, or want to call them, or just daydream about them. Everything seems dull and gray in comparison. You want to be with that special person so bad that you're almost angry with everyone else who's not them. Long-distance makes it so much harder, because it takes so long to get used to them being there. Every time you see each other, is a little like falling in love all over again.

So knowing your partner has someone who gets to spend time with them when you don't? Green-eyed monsters have been let loose for a lot less.
 
Hi polymono,

You said you had a conversation with her about not doing anything that would possibly hurt each other. Were the two of you specific in what that meant to both of you? There have been a lot of discussions on boundaries here, and one of the things that comes up frequently is that one person's definition of what crosses a boundary is not always the same as another person's.

I also saw you say that you had hoped that she had moved past being poly. That's not how it works (usually). She may agree to move slowly with anyone else in her life, in respect for your feelings, but chances are, if you tell her that she must be monogamous with you forever, she may very well fall in love with someone else and hide it from you.
 
Derbylicious said:
There have been a lot of discussions on boundaries on here, and one of the things that comes up frequently is that one person's definition of what crosses a boundary is not always the same as the other person's.

I also saw you say that you had hoped that she had moved past being poly. That's not how it works (usually). She may agree to move slowly with anyone else in her life, in respect for your feelings, but chances are if you tell her that she must be monogamous with you forever, she may very well fall in love with someone else and hide it from you.
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I didn't ask her to become mono. I don't believe in changing people. About the boundaries, you are right, they were pretty open and subject to interpretation. Also, these agreements were made when we were alone together on our trip. Now that we are far from each other and she is moving on with her life, I think she might realize that she really wants/needs to be poly.

I start realizing now that maybe I had some false expectations, or mono expectations, of our relationship. When she goes with other guys, it is something she doesn't necessarily want to share with me. It is something between her and that other person. My idea was that she would talk about it, share it, even if I had some difficulties with it. But it seems she doesn't like to do that, maybe also because of my reaction.

It still feels odd to me, though. Whenever she gets more distant (not physically, but emotionally), it is generally when she is involved with other people she likes. That makes sense. We all have a limited amount of time each day where we can do things we want to do. That is a strange and painful situation for me, as in a mono relationship I'm used to getting the full attention of my partner.
 
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BlackUnicorn said:
In my understanding (and experience) of New Relationship Energy, there is a strong tendency of 'not being able to get enough of your partner'. When you are not with them, you want to get a text from them, or want to call them, or just daydream about them. Everything seems dull and gray in comparison. You want to be with that special person so bad that you're almost angry with everyone else who's not them. Long distance makes it so much harder, because it takes so long to get used to them being there - every time you see each other, is a little like falling in love all over again.

So knowing your partner has someone who gets to spend time with them when you don't? Green-eyed monsters have been let loose for lot less.
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So true! Currently, I'm not the best person to be around, as my thoughts and attention go to her, while I know she is seeing other people. I know I won't see her again for a long time. It's like I don't know what to do with myself. I guess I have to accept the facts for what they are. She is poly, I'm mono, but willing to try poly.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
How many people don't realize they are gay until later in life? Just because she didn't have multiple relationships before doesn't mean she was't poly...this might just be the first time it has become manifested because she has actually connected with more than one person.

Her transition looked so easy probably because of one main thing. She wants it.
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Is it a need, a want, something related to a certain lifestyle and education? These are the questions that arise in me.

Is it hard to grasp for me because I was educated that way and because I have certain expectations of what I want out of life? Or could it be something that you just are, no questioning about it?

It's probably a bit of everything, but if you have some more insight about it, I'm open to hear it.
 
This might help, maybe. It's from http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq/

(more good stuff in that FAQ, simply expressed, if ya wanna check it out)


Subject: 11). How can I tell if I am polyamorous?

I'm not sure; only you will know, and according to the philosophy of some folks, people aren't polyamorous, although behavior can be. Some people find that approach useful, and others prefer to think of "polyamorous people".

Some polyfolk tend to recognize themselves in the descriptions, and can only be restrained with difficulty from jumping up and down and screeching, "See! See! I *knew* it wasn't just me! Hooray!" If you aren't sure you're poly, the best practice is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly to the best of your ability as you learn; come to think of it, that's the best practice for polyfolk, too, so you'll be one of the crowd anyhow. Besides, being polyamorous is not inherently "better" than being monogamous, so there's no need to feel like you have to pledge allegiance or anything like that just to hang out and look at the questions.

Another thing to consider is that the word "polyamorous" is, like all labels, just a tool. What you do and how you treat the people you love is probably more important to them, in the long run, than whether you fit a particular descriptive term, so don't sweat it, okay? And take good care of each other.

An alternate point of view:

"There aren't polyamorous and monogamous people; there are polyamorous and monogamous relationships. The same person may at various times be happy in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships at various times in his/her life. What is right depends on you and your feelings, and the feelings of those you are involved in relationships with. You may at some times be involved in a relationship that is monogamous, and that may be the right thing for the people in that relationship; at other times, you may be in a relationship which works better as part of a polyamorous network of relationships. In any case, the important thing is probably to act kindly and responsibly, and to communicate clearly with intimate partners and potential partners about these issues. Don't deny your feelings or the feelings of those that you care about. Get in touch with how you and those you care about really feel, rather than how society wants you to feel, or how you think it would be logical to feel, or how you've been told polyamorous people (or monogamous people) should feel. Then behave in ways which are honest, and which make you, and the people you care about, and the people they care about, happy and fulfilled. If this results in you having more than one intimate relationship at the same time, or being involved in a relationship with more than two people, those who are big on categorizing and labeling people will label you a 'poly person'."​
 
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