Wife wants me to drop the other woman and just be friends

[poobah123]

After an emotional affair where I almost left my wife (Sarah), I discovered polyamory. I have struggled trying to explain it to Sarah. She is just not approving of it.

I think I must end the relationship with this other person (Sunny) and just be friends. It's just too difficult not being able to express my love, and it isn't fair to Sunny. I don't know how to be just friends. I find myself questioning which love is stronger. I entertain thoughts of being with just Sunny. I don't want to break up her marriage, though.

So, how do stop the way I feel? Can I just be friends? Or am I just postponing the inevitable? What happens when one day we are alone and we can't control our feelings? Will we do something we regret? Do I push this more with my wife and risk losing her?

 

[Somegeezer]

I, personally, would just say, "Hey, this is who I am, take it or leave it."

Possibly you could say this in a more thought-out and less harsh way, but that would be the basic message of it. If you're not happy with only one person, you shouldn't have to stay with only one. Your own happiness is the most important. Those who don't agree with you and your polyamory are free to go find someone else.

 

[FlameKat]

I think you need to slow down and really get introspective here. Your post is a little frantic...

Take the time you need to figure out what you want, ideally, then figure out if what you want is something you are capable of working towards. Keep your wife involved in what you are doing. If she can't handle your self-discoveries, she will let you know and a choice will be made. On no account should that choice involve someone external to your and Sarah's relationship.

If Sunny is right for you, and it is meant to be, then the relationship will survive the self-discovery you need to do. Sunny should also be on her own journey, given you said she was married, and being in a relationship with you would break up that marriage.

Please do the work on yourself before you do anything else. Read my thread. I do understand.

 

[IndieSolo]

What happens when one day we are alone and we can't control our feelings? Will we do something we regret? Do I push this more with my wife and risk losing her?

Oh geez. It's called self-control. Though you may not be able to control your feelings, you can monitor them and rein them in. You absolutely can control your behavior. Don't use feelings as an excuse to make poor decisions in your actions. Why do guys always think they're going to be at the mercy of their dicks? If you can use thoughts and imagery to get off, you can do the same to keep it in your pants.

It seems you're feeling sorry for yourself now because you can't have your way. Honor the relationship and commitment you have with Sarah, keep communicating, and go slowly. It may very well be that you will have to let go of Sunny in order for your relationship with Sarah to heal and become stronger, or strong enough to embrace a poly situation. Just don't be disrespectful of what you already have.

If you're afraid of breaking up Sunny's marriage, I take that to mean that she was also emotionally cheating on her husband, and he is not approving of her being polyamorous either. Or has she even told him? There are a lot of factors here that need consideration, too many potential broken hearts, and none of this can be taken lightly nor handled without thought and caring.

 

[redpepper]

I feel for you. I am experiencing something similar in my life-- a monoamorous partner that is not willing or able to stick around if I am to live to my fullest polyamorous potential.

I have made a choice to honour him, and what we have, and dull my nature down. I am willing to do this to see how my love expands with him, not with another man I love.

I was not convinced for some time that I should have to make a choice between men, and put myself in a situation where my monoamorous partner considered my actions to be those of a cheater. I was heartbroken, as I didn't think so. But that doesn't matter. I broke our agreement and I needed to own that and find a better path.

It is very easy to jeopardise one's ability to "not touch" by putting yourself in situations where it "could" happen. "Could" eventually becomes "will" for me, so I plan to avoid it. You know your own nature. You decide what would be a situation that you could cheat in and avoid avoid avoid. Cheating is not the answer, as far as I am concerned. Do a tag search and see what the results have been for those who have cheated. Quite often they are grim.

As to whether this is worth it-- to me, it is. But I have an amazing relationship with my mono guy, and a lot to lose without him in my life, far more than what I would gain if I were to add another man. Not only that, but the situation has brought us closer together, and we are better as a unit because of what happened and who we are in our natures.

Ask yourself if Sunny is worth being with. What are the pros and cons? What is to be gained by leaving Sarah? What is to be gained by staying? Do the math, and then start moving forward.

 

[Mahogany]

This sounds all too parallel to what my husband and I have just gone through. You can read my posts titled, "No Longer Feel Good" and "Stay and grow, or run for the hills?" if you want to know my background.

Have you imagined how Sarah must be feeling? You just told her your were having an affair. She is going through pain... so much pain. I am sure she is angry, hurt, confused, scared. I am sure she is dealing with a roller coaster of emotions I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Ask yourself,
"Do I want my marriage?"
"Do I want my wife?"
"Do I want my family?"
These questions are important.

Leaving to be with another woman through betrayal is usually a bad choice. I'm not saying that leaving is, but leaving solely for that reason can definitely be bad.

If you are polyamorous, how do you know you won't end up in the same situation with Sunny? Plus your judgement of Sarah is clouded now. While Sarah knew nothing about Sunny, did Sunny know about your wife? If she did, then she had an unfair advantage. Any woman will put their very best forward in hopes to outshine the wife. But that best foot is not all of who they are. These mistresses have flaws too. You just have yet to see them. Your comparison of your marriage to your relationship with your other may not be genuine and accurate....

Give Sarah time to digest what you have been doing behind her back FIRST. Do talk about what you need. But wow. She has a lot to go through.

If Sunny can give you a poly relationship, then she will understand and accept regressing for some period of time.

I am in real mourning over the loss of the monogamy my husband and I had. I have been going through this transition (the addition of his mistress) for 7-8 weeks. My husband has reduced his other relationship to a friendship in order to re-build our connection and foundation for a healthy future in poly, with me as his foundational partner (his primary). My husband accepts that our re-connection period and growth could mean to loss of his mistress. But he decided that he wants me to be his primary, his foundation. We both know there will always be another partner, so I have accepted our polyamory.

Do you want Sarah to be your primary?

Please don't think I am saying my husband is a saint, and you aren't. He has made horrible mistakes through our journey. Please don't take anything I say as negative towards you. I am only trying to help you see my perspective (being on the other side of something very similar).

Do not leave Sarah on an impulse to keep Sunny. If you leave, it should be about you and Sarah, and that relationship by itself. Would you leave even if Sunny didn't became your lover? That should be your question. I hope this helps.

 

[Catfish]

Ask yourself if this partner is worth being with. What are the pros and cons? What is to be gained by leaving? What is to be gained by staying? Do the math and then start moving forward.

Thanks, RP. I needed to read this today.

 

[SNeacail]

The situation has brought us closer together and we are better as a unit because of what happened and who we are in our natures.

I have seen this in my own life and a good number of others' here. We all make mistakes, and sometime those mistakes are nearly catastrophic, or sometimes they are little things that lead up to the catastrophe.

I see it like a cinderblock wall. It can stand firm for years, but over time seemingly small things can erode away at the entire structure. Water, erosion, tree roots, etc., will slowly eat away at the mortar holding it together, until one day a portion of it crumbles. Now there is this gaping hole in the wall and the entire thing is unsafe and in danger of collapsing.

Unfortunately, when we start the repairs, we may have to chip away even more brick and mortar than originally thought, until we find undamaged pieces. This is incredibly hard when we can't see the end result and all we see is a big mess with a hole that is getting bigger. Eventually, we can start laying the new concrete foundation. We can put in the new bricks and even add proper rebar supports that weren't there in the first place, and even more concrete. While we are at it, we beef up the rest of the wall that didn't come down. Now we have a wall that is much much stronger than the original was when it was new.

 

[Rarechild]

I see it like a cinderblock wall. It can stand firm for years, but over time seemingly small things can erode away at the entire structure, water, erosion, tree roots, etc., will slowly eat away at the mortar holding it together, until one day a portion of it crumbles. Now there is this gaping hole in the wall and the entire thing is unsafe and in danger of collapsing.

Unfortunately, when we start the repairs, we may have to chip away even more brick and mortar than originally thought, until we find undamaged pieces. This is incredibly hard when we can't see the end result and all we see is a big mess, with a hole that is getting bigger. Eventually, we can start laying the new concrete foundation. We can put in the new bricks and even add proper rebar supports that weren't there in the first place and even more concrete. While we are at it, we beef up the rest of the wall that didn't come down. Now we have a wall that is much much stronger than the original was when it was new.

I believe in this kind of constant rebirth and rebuilding. It is endlessly exciting to think about what can be laid down over years.

Thank you for walking me through this metaphor. It was lovely.