Stay and grow, or run for the hills?

[Mahogany]

My husband Bo recently asked for an open marriage after admitting he had a mistress (call her Bess). I am working on forgiving him, and have agreed to working towards a poly relationship with his mistress/secondary.

I am deeply hurt. I manage to push it away and forget about it, but it comes back strong periodically throughout the day. I feel like I am in mourning, like I am slowly healing from a great loss.

I want my monogamy back, but I like Bess... I don't want her out of MY life completely. This is so weird. This is how I feel genuinely on my own about her. She is very loving to me, caring, giving.

I tell Bo about my pain. I cry to him from time to time. He asks me, "What is it that hurts you? What is it that you cannot do?"

But with the boundaries set the way they are, I CAN do this. The agreement is that our poly will always and only include Bess, with me and him, that if she is to be with him, sexually or otherwise, I need to be involved and present as well, and comfortable. I like this a lot, and am comfortable with this. We have had sex together, the three of us. I hope I don't offend anyone by stating that. We have been on dates together, all three. She has spent the night at our house.

I get jealous at times when they show affection to each other, but at other times it doesn't bother me at all.

When she is around me, I feel good. I feel love, companionship, happiness and a strong connection with her. But when she is away, I dread her return. Bess and I have argued twice, regarding our feelings, etc. But we have managed to re-connect, despite everything.

If I can grow and heal, I can see the benefits and happiness potential in this. Sometimes, when I think of her, I just want to hug her, and greet her with a kiss, not like a girlfriend, but like a sister. But there is a part of me that gets so mad and hurt by her presence.

I feel love for her in her absence, but in her presence I feel hatred sometimes.

QUESTIONS:
If this is all true, then why do I hurt?
Has anyone gone through this, or have a partner go through this?
Are these normal growing pains, or red flags that I can't do this at all?
Does it sound like I can do this, and I just need time to adjust?
Or should I run for the hills?

 

[FlameKat]

Welcome, Mahogany.

My two cents: you are grieving over the loss of what you thought your future was with Bo, just the two of you.

You are probably very angry and hurt and feel betrayed by the fact he had a mistress and was therefore cheating on you. You are grieving over the loss of your image of your past relationship with Bo.

All the while, you are enjoying and adjusting to your new relationship with Bess, and developing further together.

Give yourself a break. It's all new. It's hard. It's going to be a bumpy road. You don't have to be perfect.

It sounds like you are doing really really well, actually. I admire the strength you obviously have to be where you are today and sound so positive. There are plenty on here in the same spot, who have nowhere near the peace you seem to enjoy on occasion.

Hugs

 

[BlackUnicorn]

I want my monogamy back. But I like her and I don't want her out of my life completely. This is so weird. This is how I feel genuinely on my own about my husband's mistress/secondary. She is very loving to me, caring, giving.

It's not weird. Read up on compersion, a neo-term coined to describe the opposite feeling to jealousy.

I like this a lot, and am comfortable with this. We have had sex together, the three of us. I hope I don't offend anyone by stating that.

People here are not famous for their judgmental attitudes towards group sex.

I get jealous at times when they show affection to each other, but at other times it doesn't bother me at all.

Jealous for him, for her, or both?

When Bess is around me I feel good. I feel love, companionship, happiness and a strong connection with her. But when she is away I dread her return. We have argued twice about our feelings. But we have managed to re-connect...

It sounds like you talk. Talk more. Explain why you have these conflicting feelings about her. She might be going through the same thing.

If I can grow and heal, I can see the benefits and happiness in it. Sometimes, when I think of her, I just want to hug her, and greet her with a kiss, not like a girlfriend, but like a sister. But there is a part of me that gets so mad and hurt by her presence.

I feel love for her in her absence, but in her presence I feel hate sometimes.

It sounds like ambivalence. From the psychology I've read, normal healthy relationships involve ambivalent emotions. You have a lot of unresolved issues with Bess and Bo. You're hurting. You don't hate her as a person, and don't really believe she is evil through and through. Wham! Ambivalence.

If this is all true, then why do I hurt?

Because you have been wronged! Your life, and what you imagined it to be, have been turned upside down basically overnight. The two people who did this to you are happy to be able to be together openly at last, and have a hard time sympathizing with you. Those are just a few suggestions.

Does it sound like I can do this and I just need time to adjust? Or should I run for the hills?

Nobody can, and more importantly, nobody has the right to tell if you can do this or not. Whatever you do, do it for yourself. You will need to face the consequences. In your situation, there are no easy choices.

It's still all very new.

 

[redpepper]

But with the boundaries set the way they are, I can do this. The agreement is that our poly will always and only include her with me and him. If she is to be with him, sexually or otherwise, I need to be involved and present, as well, and comfortable. I like this a lot, and am comfortable with this. We have had sex together, the three of us. I hope I don't offend anyone by stating that. We three have been on dates. She has spent the night at our house.

If this is all true, then why do I hurt?
Has anyone gone through this, or have a partner go through this?
Are these normal growing pains, or red flags that I can't do this at all?
Does it sound like I can do this, and just need time to adjust? Or should I run for the hills?

It sounds like there is some light. I am glad for you.

The first paragraph I quoted is a red flag to me, a minor one, but something to be aware of, just the same. I underlined the parts I wish to address. It is not the best idea, speaking from my experience, to set anything in stone. It is likely that your man will wander again and will go through many changes in his life with polyamory, as will you, now that you are aware of it.

After all, the nature of poly is that one loves many. No one has any idea where that love will come from. With monogamy/monoamory, it comes from loving one person, but that can fail, and both parties can move on to loving others. In poly, relationships don't always end. They can morph into something else as new lovers come along. While people sometimes go by the wayside as the natural course, there is very little need for a break-up when new people come into our lives to love. It is likely that holding to this promise of ALWAYS and ONLY will become a constraint at some point. (Read my blog over the last 6 weeks and you will see my point.)

In polyamory, you can, and often do, create what works for you. The rules are thrown out the window. Whatever works for those involved is what is the path, a changeable path. Please don't think you can "monogamize" your polyamorous husband. That could be dangerous and unfair. He himself has said that he has loved many women over the years. That is likely to continue. Let it. Embrace it. It is what makes him special.

As for the (group) sex, that is also a red flag. Please consider that they will not want you around all the time, for all their sex, until their dying day. It just isn't realistic or fair. Again, it's trying to "monogamize" a poly relationship. You could enjoy sexy times with them both, but it is important that they have their own times, and you have your own times with him, and with her, as friends or otherwise. Privacy in relationships is very important and necessary. Security and trust depend on it, for the long term, I think.

If you gonna get this thing to work for the long haul, then I suggest eventually letting go of what you think "the rules" should be, and seeing where "the flow" takes you all. However, I know you are still in pain. Of course it's okay to make compromises right now. You need that and deserve it!

They are likely very concerned for you and want you to feel as loved as as possible. This is a huge gift from them and one that you should cherish, I think. After a time, start giving them the gift of privacy, "compersion (do a tag search for this)," and trust with your heart. Take your time. Ask them for what you need. Be considerate of their needs. You are just as important as they are! Creating a wall around your life is not an option anymore, if he is poly.

Give them their freedom when you are ready. They are going at your pace right now. That is a good thing.

It sounds like you are doing the work needed to make this work for you all. Good for you!

Have you read these forums much yet? Please, I urge you too. You are not alone.

There is no need to ask if this is all normal. If you read in the "New to Poly" section alone, you will see almost every thread is the same as yours in some way. Please read and search on here and elsewhere. I highly encourage that for all of you. That is what this forum is for, as much as for expressing what is going on for us.

 

[Mahogany]

Redpepper, first, I want to apologize in advance. My anger is not directed to you at all. I hope you understand.

I will NEVER respect their betrayal-relationship. If they need/want alone time, they can have it. They are two grown people. I can't stop them. But they will NEVER have my blessing or support of it.

I suffered postpartum (a moderate case) after my baby twins were born. I was left at home with TWO... TWO infants (!), while they were out screwing, laughing and loving. He spent time with her and HER kids, but NO time with me and his newborns!!!

As a woman, how could she even do this??? As a mother, how could she have done what she did??? I have a deep deep hatred for her because of this.

She knew everything about us. She admitted it. She even hoped I would leave him when I found out about their affair!

I used to beg him not to leave me, having NO idea what he was up to. I explained my anxiety, etc. But almost always he left me, anyway. Left me and our twins, to be with her.

I hate him for that, but I LOVE him too, so I am working really hard to forgive him. I don't love Bess like that, so you can only imagine what it is going to take to even begin to think about forgiving her.

I know my hatred towards Bess is unfair. But life isn't fair at all, right? If it was, I wouldn't be exposed to this, a woman sleeping with a married man, who had newborn twins, knowing all the while her actions could destroy our family.

What about my babies and their need for their father? What type of woman could be so selfish???

Poly seems wonderful, and in the future, when we do it the right way, I will give it my all, to respect his and any of his future other partner's relationship needs. But not with Bess. I will not.

If they want to be alone, they can go right ahead. It will hurt, but I will NOT be a part of it, in the end. Why should I care about their well-being when they never considered mine, during a very fragile time in my life???

I hate everything she represents!

Again, Redpepper, please know that I genuinely love your replies and support. You are truly a wonderful, intelligent being. Please continue to be honest with me and communicate. But I wanted to return the favor through my honesty, in hopes I will not offend you.

XOXO

 

[Mahogany]

FlameKat, you are so right. I am mourning the loss of my husband, or at least the man I thought I married. At the same time, I am happy I know now, because we know each other and have a much stronger connection.

I hope when I am done mourning, a greater love emerges from within me for him and polyamory. That is my prayer.

Blackunicorn, my jealousy is directed at him, not her. (I don't want her!) Although Bess is a nice person (or is tricky enough to have me believe she is!), she wants my husband, and even hoped I would leave him when I found out about them. Come on, how messed up is that? She is a home-wrecker.

I need to look into the words ambivalence and compersion. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom.

I have a lot of thinking and resolving to do. I hope I didn't upset you with my reply.

XOXO

 

[FlameKat]

It sounds a lot like you need some time out. I would hope that Bo respects your relationship enough to give it to you. To me, given the huge differentials in your posts, you NEED him to (for a defined period) give you and your relationship absolute precedence, particularly if Bess is to remain your metamour.

You are absolutely entitled to time and space to adjust, and have every right to ask for boundaries that SUIT YOU, not them, for a defined period. If that goes to the extreme that he isn't to see her for a time, that is fine and good! Get whatever it is that YOU NEED to deal with the losses you are feeling, and then start moving forward together at your pace.

I am very sorry you are feeling so much pain and anger. It truly sounds like he is not handling this very well. Even if he is being compassionate, he is NOT giving you the time and space away from Bess, or the attention from him that you obviously need to deal with this situation.

 

[Magdlyn]

I suffered postpartum (a moderate case) after my babies were born. I was left at home with TWO... TWO infants. (!), while they were out screwing, laughing and loving. He spent time with her and HER kids, but no time with me and his newborns! As a woman, how could she even do this??? As a mother, how could she have done what she did??? I have a deep deep hatred for her because of this.

She knew everything about us! She admitted it. She even hoped I would leave him when I found out about their affair.

This really makes me angry for you. Twin newborns, and you're having PPD, and he's off with his secret mistress? Disgusting.

And now you've found out she wanted him to leave you for her! In the poly world we call that a cowgirl. It's the height of immorality. (She might still wish for him to leave you.)

I don't blame you at all for feeling ambivalent. It takes a while for trust to rebuild after a betrayal like that (if it is even possible).

 

[SNeacail]

This really makes me angry for you. Twin newborns, and you're having PPD, and he's off with his secret mistress? Disgusting.

This!!! I've got HUGE problems with anyone who runs off leaving a PPD mom to fend for herself and their baby (much less twins)! Babies have died, and men have been put in jail for such neglect.

I don't mean to make it worse, but there are bigger problems here than just him falling in love with someone else. I think this situation needs some professional help.

 

[Mahogany]

Good morning FlameKat, Magdlyn, SNeacail, Redpepper, and Black Unicorn. I hope you all had a restful night.

Yeah, what happened is sad. I wonder if Bo was having issues of his own trying to adjust to it all? He seemed to have been running, or maybe just not knowledgeable about it. He just seemed to lack understanding...

Or maybe I am making excuses for him.

We have talked about it, and Bo says he was not ALWAYS with her. He also participated in other recreations... I guess it was basketball, football, baseball, and hanging out with friends, as well as seeing Bess (on top of school and work)!

She seems to have been a piece of the reasons behind his absences. But because it hurt me so bad, I tend to focus on that piece, the cheating, more than the others. My bad.

He has greatly reduced his relationship with Bess, in hopes that we can re-grow our connection. He has been giving to me, and is now sacrificing. He has genuinely expressed that he wants me, loves me, and will fight to restore and undo the hurt. I have asked him to go (never really wanting to lose him, only wanting to lose the pain) He only embraces me, and says he loves me too much, and knows he has so much more happiness to give me.

I am sorry this has turned into a bash on him, but I only speak the truth about our past, in hopes you all understand me and my growth in the process.

I now know he does love me, because he could have left me and started anew with her. She often asked him to choose. No matter how she tries to paint it as though she was on my side during their betrayal... I am not stupid.

She has apologized numerous times for her part in it, and has been respectful enough to be honest about her being wrong in wishing I would just leave him. But the fact that she is a cowgirl bothers me.

How can she go from WANTING him for herself, to wanting to share him with me??? She is single, living at home alone with her children. How could she be ok with being alone more often than being with him???

She has asked him things like, "Who do you love more?" and, "Who are you going to choose to be with?" etc.

He has explained to her that he will not be a part of her household the way she needs, and that she needs to date in hopes of finding her own primary. But she says she cannot do it, because she is mono and her heart is with him.

How is her being my metamour alone going to be enough for her??? How is she going to get what she needs??? This bothers me, too.

 

[Penny]

Limerence, loneliness, fear, and desperation can lead us into making horrible mistakes, the like of which fills us with shame. On that level, I can sympathize with your metamour's position.

People are capable of change, and forgiveness is a transforming virtue.

That being said, though, I'd personally trust her about as far as I could spit a rat, and I doubt (though I can't say for certain) that I'd suffer her presence in my life in any capacity.

Really, you are the only person who can make that call. You were treated with outrageous callousness, but you also have something you feel is worth hanging on to.

I am a big fan of polyamory. I think it's wonderful for those who are called to it. But no one should have it foisted on them unwillingly. That feels almost like a form of rape to me, and it makes me sick to think about it.

 

[Penny]

Meanwhile, my husband Thumper says that forgiveness is over-rated. I will not repeat his opinion of Bo, who is, after all, the one who had a personal responsibility towards you and his children.

I suspect you are redirecting some of the rage you should be feeling for Bo onto Bess, because it is too painful and scary to feel it toward him. That is pretty common in these situations.

 

[redpepper]

Yes, she is a cowgirl, if what you heard she said is true. I would wonder then how much you are feeling competitive, and refusing to dump him, so that she doesn't get him, rather than realizing that you are finished with him? That idea might be worth looking at at some point.

I were in your situation, I would think long and hard about my future and that of the babies. I would look at my finances, where I stand with child care and options therein, whether I could function by myself, where I could get help.

I would consider what it might be like to find a man (eventually) who would be excited about being a daddy figure, and able to do so, while being monogamous, and committed to me. Then I would make a decision to do what it took to move towards those goals.

Chances are that this current relationship could end. You could be alone and looking after your kids by yourself, or at least part time.

Rationally, realistically, all emotions aside, what do you need to do to make your life the way YOU need it to be? Put Bo aside. Just you. Consider what you can do to raise your trust level in men/people, to become empowered, to raise your feelings of self worth and worth to others. Then take action.

Even if you and Bo repair your marriage, you likely will be glad you looked into your options. You will be stronger in knowing that you have yourself to rely on. You have your own power within you to stand on your own two feet and show yourself, the world, and most of all, your kids, what it means to be a confident, proud and amazing woman.

 

[Mahogany]

Yes, she is a cowgirl, if what you heard she said is true. I would wonder then how much of this is you feeling competitive and refusing to dump him so she doesn't get him, rather than realizing that you are finished with him?

Good point!

I have felt this way at times. I ultimately love him with all my being. I do know that to be the truth.

But wow, so true.

 

[Mahogany]

Meanwhile, my husband Thumper says that forgiveness is over-rated.

I like that. We are always expected to forgive, but sometimes people's actions are beyond that.

 

[NeonKaos]

I like that, we are always expected to forgive.....but somtimes peoples actions are beyond that....

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for the person you are forgiving. Anyone who "expects" forgiveness is way off target.

 

[Mahogany]

Man, Neonkaos, you have just taught me a world-life lesson.

 

[NeonKaos]

You still don't HAVE to forgive them. But it's about what YOU need, not what THEY need.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not forgiving, as long as you're not festering in unhealthiness over it.

 

[Mahogany]

I agree

 

[BlackUnicorn]

She has asked him things like, "Who do you love more?" and, "Who are you going to choose to be with?" etc.

He has explained to her that he will not be a part of her household the way she needs, and that she needs to date in hopes to find her own primary. But she says she cannot do it, because she is mono and her heart is with him.

How is her being my metamour alone going to be enough for her??? How is she going to get what she needs??? This bothers me too.

Good morning to you, too! (It's late night here now.)

Chances are, Bess won't get what she needs. Your situation will not be enough for her, and she will keep on pestering Bo until he either leaves her, or leaves you. All three of you have a major paradigm shift in front of you, if you are going to make this work.

For me, polyamory isn't about me, it's about us, like an extended family, with a twist. It's me, you, my partners, your partners, our partners. Kids and pets go first. Then partners in the order they have been added to the bundle. Old before the new.

I could never be in a situation where my metamour couldn't stand me. It would feel as traumatic as fighting with my siblings over the inheritance of our parents. When kids fight over the broken china of their parents, it's not about broken china, it's about who Mummy and Daddy loved the most.

This is like your situation with your metamour. Things will only worsen until both of you realize love is measured in quality, not in quantity, and decide if you are okay with that.

It sounds like Bo loves you, and is in love with Bess. The situation can't be helped. She seems to think that him being in love with her means he no longer loves you, or loves you less than he does her. This is not true, if he truly is poly. Either you weather this bit of NRE out, or you don't. The same goes for her. I'm not mono, so I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for two mono ladies to love a poly man. I can only offer you my deepest sympathy.